BDSM: Questions and Answers
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ChaoticLil
Really Experienced
- Joined
- May 24, 2001
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Re: Re: i have a question....
Thank you so much, it does help.
Quote Originally posted by Cymbidia
In my mind, a Dom/me is someone with whom you may have less of an emotional attachment than you might with a Master/Mistress. A Dom/me is someone you could feel fondly toward, could respect and admire, but not someone for whom you would necessarily feel love.
Thank you also for your response. Its really hard to explain a BDSM relationship to someone who has no clue. i've bought him books, searched the net for websites, my Master even tried to explain and show him. Nothing gets through. He looks at it as a game, as something that i should be able to live without.
i've lived without it for over 10yrs. It's like not being completely whole. My husband understood what i needed (it isn't as if i hadn't talked to him enough about it); he even agreed to me finding a Master. Now that i have, it's like i've done something terribly wrong.
Forgive me, i'm just very mentally tired right now.
Blackbich said:
Okay, I'm new to this but I'm going to try to answer this for you and someone, please correct me if I'm wrong. You have a Master/Mistress if you are a slave and you have a Dom/me if you are a sub. I may be way off base but that's my understanding.
Hope this helps.
Thank you so much, it does help.
Quote Originally posted by Cymbidia
In my mind, a Dom/me is someone with whom you may have less of an emotional attachment than you might with a Master/Mistress. A Dom/me is someone you could feel fondly toward, could respect and admire, but not someone for whom you would necessarily feel love.
Thank you also for your response. Its really hard to explain a BDSM relationship to someone who has no clue. i've bought him books, searched the net for websites, my Master even tried to explain and show him. Nothing gets through. He looks at it as a game, as something that i should be able to live without.
i've lived without it for over 10yrs. It's like not being completely whole. My husband understood what i needed (it isn't as if i hadn't talked to him enough about it); he even agreed to me finding a Master. Now that i have, it's like i've done something terribly wrong.
Forgive me, i'm just very mentally tired right now.
cymbidia
unrepentant pervert
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2001
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Re: Re: Re: i have a question....
For my part, i understand *extremely* well the pressures and tensions and agonies of the spirit that are inherent in trying to live in a manner that ignores an important part of one's basic emotional requirements and sexual needs.
I know what it's like to try to live without giving voice to the full flowering of your sexual needs. I know the pain of trying futilely to help a partner whose sexuality is not BDSM-oriented understand the vital necessity for the daily tug and pull of power exchange relationships in your life. I know the shame of a close partner thinking its only some kind of twisted game you want play, not a need, not an urgent part of your sexuality, not as real a part of who you are as is your laugh or your tender heart, but a choice - just like what you put on the morning under your work clothes is a choice.
I know what it's like to ache for the kind of relationship - not to mention sexual release - one can find *only* through the glory of submission offered or accepted, where shared passion plays out in an atmosphere of power imbalance, blazing trust, and absolute interdependence. I know what it's like to go through the motions of sex, too, with someone who doesn't understand, who might pretend to play kinky sex games but doesn't really feel the heat of need. I know what it is to cry alone at night for what you've traded away, and wonder for the millionth time if it what you gained in such a trade was really worth the imprisoning of a part of your most basic self.
Only you can decide what's best and right in your life, darlin'. Even though some of us have been approximately where you are now, none of us can tell you what to do. We can, however, sympathize and empathize and offer to listen.
I'm so sorry it's all so bad right now for you. So very sorry. Here's something that has carried me through a lot of bad times. I can't know if it'll mean anything to you, of course, but it's really all i have to offer.
Joy and Sorrow
Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was often times filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep in your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow", and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater".
But I say unto you, they are inseperable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your table, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet: http://www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibtable.html
No forgiveness is necessary, darlin', among those who understand and sympathize.ChaoticLil said:
For my part, i understand *extremely* well the pressures and tensions and agonies of the spirit that are inherent in trying to live in a manner that ignores an important part of one's basic emotional requirements and sexual needs.
I know what it's like to try to live without giving voice to the full flowering of your sexual needs. I know the pain of trying futilely to help a partner whose sexuality is not BDSM-oriented understand the vital necessity for the daily tug and pull of power exchange relationships in your life. I know the shame of a close partner thinking its only some kind of twisted game you want play, not a need, not an urgent part of your sexuality, not as real a part of who you are as is your laugh or your tender heart, but a choice - just like what you put on the morning under your work clothes is a choice.
I know what it's like to ache for the kind of relationship - not to mention sexual release - one can find *only* through the glory of submission offered or accepted, where shared passion plays out in an atmosphere of power imbalance, blazing trust, and absolute interdependence. I know what it's like to go through the motions of sex, too, with someone who doesn't understand, who might pretend to play kinky sex games but doesn't really feel the heat of need. I know what it is to cry alone at night for what you've traded away, and wonder for the millionth time if it what you gained in such a trade was really worth the imprisoning of a part of your most basic self.
Only you can decide what's best and right in your life, darlin'. Even though some of us have been approximately where you are now, none of us can tell you what to do. We can, however, sympathize and empathize and offer to listen.
I'm so sorry it's all so bad right now for you. So very sorry. Here's something that has carried me through a lot of bad times. I can't know if it'll mean anything to you, of course, but it's really all i have to offer.
Joy and Sorrow
Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was often times filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep in your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow", and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater".
But I say unto you, they are inseperable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your table, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet: http://www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibtable.html
cellis
Saucy
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You know I came home tonight, heart heavy and my mind weighed down and there was this post from from cymbidia... and it was just what I needed to hear.... thanks... I don't know how you do it with all you have going on in your life, cymbidia... but you and all the others here have helped me more than I can ever repay in the past few weeks....
ChaoticLil
Really Experienced
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cellis said:
That i have to agree with. Out of everyone i know (except for my Master and His spice), it seems no one understand anything about what i'm going through except for Cym and a few others on this thread. i have quite a few BIG decisions to make in the next few months. None of them will be easy, but i feel my sanity (or at least my sexuality) deserves it.
Thanks guys for everything.
ChaoticLil said:
Yes I understand that, but what about simply being loved and accepted? I mean, I can't live without sex, I need it as I need the air that I breathe. I am not getting it at home. What is a vixen to do? Oh yes, I can masturbate, read forums, all that sort of thing, but nothing beats a great session of lovemaking or BDSM with someone who wants to please... Not someone who simply looks at you and has an orgasm... leaving you more needy than you were before you got undressed. I don't mean to unload either, but like I said, what is a vixen to do?
ChaoticLil
Really Experienced
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Quoted from Rhandie
Yes I understand that, but what about simply being loved and accepted? I mean, I can't live without sex, I need it as I need the air that I breathe. I am not getting it at home. What is a vixen to do? Oh yes, I can masturbate, read forums, all that sort of thing, but nothing beats a great session of lovemaking or BDSM with someone who wants to please... Not someone who simply looks at you and has an orgasm... leaving you more needy than you were before you got undressed. I don't mean to unload either, but like I said, what is a vixen to do?
That's been what i've been wrestling with for the last six months. Since last June i've been sleeping in my daughter's bedroom (she and her brother are living with their father right now). The only sex that i get is when i put on a show for my Master on the web cam. He lives in Los Angeles and i live in Houston. i visited Him the first of Oct, and didn't want to come home. i'm moving there in January though.
i honestly don't know what to tell you. i do know that i can't live like this anymore. The denial of a vital part of me is killing me. If i lose my husband in the process so be it, but i can't (and won't) punish myself any longer for something that is as much a part of me as breathing.
Yes I understand that, but what about simply being loved and accepted? I mean, I can't live without sex, I need it as I need the air that I breathe. I am not getting it at home. What is a vixen to do? Oh yes, I can masturbate, read forums, all that sort of thing, but nothing beats a great session of lovemaking or BDSM with someone who wants to please... Not someone who simply looks at you and has an orgasm... leaving you more needy than you were before you got undressed. I don't mean to unload either, but like I said, what is a vixen to do?
That's been what i've been wrestling with for the last six months. Since last June i've been sleeping in my daughter's bedroom (she and her brother are living with their father right now). The only sex that i get is when i put on a show for my Master on the web cam. He lives in Los Angeles and i live in Houston. i visited Him the first of Oct, and didn't want to come home. i'm moving there in January though.
i honestly don't know what to tell you. i do know that i can't live like this anymore. The denial of a vital part of me is killing me. If i lose my husband in the process so be it, but i can't (and won't) punish myself any longer for something that is as much a part of me as breathing.
WriterDom
Good to the last drop
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For the Dom/me who has everything:
There is a flogger for sale on ebay made from water buffalo leather. I wrote the guy to see where you find water buffalo hide. Apparently, it's a fairly popular leather used a lot in England for shoes. Too thuddy for my collection now.
There is a flogger for sale on ebay made from water buffalo leather. I wrote the guy to see where you find water buffalo hide. Apparently, it's a fairly popular leather used a lot in England for shoes. Too thuddy for my collection now.
ChaoticLil
Really Experienced
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- May 24, 2001
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i'll have to keep that in mind for my Master
But what i'm really getting wet for is a set of talons advertised in Blowfish (www.blowfish.com). i'm going to order the small set tomorrow and have them sent directly to Wolf. The bad part about it is that i won't be able to feel them until January. But them with the violet wand......oh my, takes my breath away just thinking about it.
WriterDom said:
But what i'm really getting wet for is a set of talons advertised in Blowfish (www.blowfish.com). i'm going to order the small set tomorrow and have them sent directly to Wolf. The bad part about it is that i won't be able to feel them until January. But them with the violet wand......oh my, takes my breath away just thinking about it.
Lorindellia
Really Experienced
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- Oct 3, 2001
- Posts
- 111
i have a question....
Hi there, Actually, I think I mis spoke. I mean, I notice that very frequently people tell me in e-mIl about this master, that master etc... What I am trying to say is, despite the "need" to have this type of relationship; it isn't truly THERE without total trust/respect. Which IMHO, can not be built up overnight and certianly at the age of 22 (even if you start at 15 as I did) you really couldn't have had that deep of a relationship with a Master if you have had say 30 or more... Simply put I think that type, which I listen to a lot in my private e-mail, is more into role playing that a Master/Sex slave relationship.... But you know what? It doesn't matter. Not at all.
I wish thought that it was not so blatant as it is now.... I prefer the good old days, the excitement of doing something so special, secretive, etc was I think a part of the scene.
However where I live that secretive part still exists. I read yesterday where the police busted an adult only swinger party last summer in Decatur Alabama.
Anyway, thanks for posting a reply I look forward to reading more.
Yours for the Moment,
Lorindellia
cymbidia said:You know, there are times when i feel like a S&M slut. I haven't been with anyone but my own Master for a long time, and there are no plans for that to change (he's very possessive) but sometimes i feel as wild and free and open and available and slutty as... anyone in the world. And i'm a masochist, too, which puts me way into the realm of liking S&M. So, am i a S&M slut?
The problem with labels is that the second you get done neatly categorizing people into or out of a category, some other people come along and claim membership - or deny it - in your so-neatly-defined groups.
So, sometimes i'm a S&M slut, Lorindellia, and sometimes i'm not.
And sometimes there might be a sub/slave who needs to run around submitting to other men - and a Dom/Master/Mistress who needs to watch her doing that, all under the Dom/mes control, of course. For those people that sluttiness is a necessary part of their kink, of their sexuality, of their heat. It wouldn't do for me, or for you, but for them it's a good thing. Since i need pain with my sexuality, and think my Master sticking needles and pins into sensitive places on my body is *very* exciting, i'm the last gal to toss stones about people's peculiarities. And then there's the nillas who think we're all sick! It's sort of a reverse "grass is always greener" scenario, isn't it? Maybe we all feel good knowing we're definitely not the sickest puppies in the kennel.
Hi there, Actually, I think I mis spoke. I mean, I notice that very frequently people tell me in e-mIl about this master, that master etc... What I am trying to say is, despite the "need" to have this type of relationship; it isn't truly THERE without total trust/respect. Which IMHO, can not be built up overnight and certianly at the age of 22 (even if you start at 15 as I did) you really couldn't have had that deep of a relationship with a Master if you have had say 30 or more... Simply put I think that type, which I listen to a lot in my private e-mail, is more into role playing that a Master/Sex slave relationship.... But you know what? It doesn't matter. Not at all.
I wish thought that it was not so blatant as it is now.... I prefer the good old days, the excitement of doing something so special, secretive, etc was I think a part of the scene.
However where I live that secretive part still exists. I read yesterday where the police busted an adult only swinger party last summer in Decatur Alabama.
Anyway, thanks for posting a reply I look forward to reading more.
Yours for the Moment,
Lorindellia
WriterDom
Good to the last drop
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HBO Real Sex did a segment on pony girls and guys. Anyone had any experience with that? I've never given it much thought outside of a chat with a pony girl one night. But it looked like they were having a good time. It was nice to see bdsm activity portrayed in something other than a dark image in the media. Even if it was only HBO.
Lorindellia
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 3, 2001
- Posts
- 111
Hope you are all having a great weekend.
Got pretty cold here last night.
Burrrrr....
Makes my nipples hard.
Yours for the Moment,
Lorindellia
Got pretty cold here last night.
Burrrrr....
Makes my nipples hard.
Yours for the Moment,
Lorindellia
cymbidia
unrepentant pervert
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2001
- Posts
- 8,786
Merelan, for the 1,000th time - you aren't ignorant cuz you don't yet know!
From http://www.vabdsm.org/ponyplay/ :
Pony play is a special interest area of BDSM. It combines Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and a tiny amount of Sadomasochism with the opportunity to incorporate any or all of several fetishes, to produce a sensual, erotic, and engaging experience for the pony, the handlers, and the audience.
For the pony, the elements are:
Bondage
Do you like the feel of leather or ropes against your skin? What if the only thing touching your skin was leather? Like the feeling of being restrained? To be embraced by leather, rope, or rubber is a fantasy common to pony boys and pony girls.
Leather and/or rubber fetish
Depending on how you dress as a pony, you can incorporate leather and rubber fetishes into your play.
Sensory deprivation
Blinders take away a range of vision we are normally accustomed to. Human ponies are sometimes worked blindfolded so that they may hone in on non-verbal cues. Ear plugs are occasionally used as well. A real horse might sometimes be ear plugged as an attempt to quiet her when nervous.
Humiliation
Becoming an animal can be humiliating. The pony cannot use it's voice to speak human words, so it must express itself through body language or equine noises. Ponies are typically bitted, which serves as a kind of gag. Movements and communication are restricted to only those a horse is capable of. Some ponies have a tail that is held by a harness, others use a butt plug to which a tail has been attached. Many people find anal plugging to be humiliating.
Submission
The pony gives up the "choice of making choices" for the most part, so this is a very submissive role.
Exhibitionism
The pony gets to show off, or, rather, is displayed by the handlers.
The above is a very generalized and depersonalized overview of what is an intensely personal and individualistic kind of play, of course. As an example, what MS and i do with this doesn't ever include anyone else so the abovementioned aspect of exhibitionism isn't a part of this for us.
Here are a couple more links to info relating to this kind of play, should you be at all interested:
http://www.tdl.com/~thawley/ponyfaq.htm
http://www.rks-society.com/ariella/ponyplay.htm
http://www.dungeonnet.com/weblinks/Ponyboy_girl/
http://www.butchmanns.com/pony.html
A google search will doubtless net you many other links, should you want to pursue this.
From http://www.vabdsm.org/ponyplay/ :
Pony play is a special interest area of BDSM. It combines Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and a tiny amount of Sadomasochism with the opportunity to incorporate any or all of several fetishes, to produce a sensual, erotic, and engaging experience for the pony, the handlers, and the audience.
For the pony, the elements are:
Bondage
Do you like the feel of leather or ropes against your skin? What if the only thing touching your skin was leather? Like the feeling of being restrained? To be embraced by leather, rope, or rubber is a fantasy common to pony boys and pony girls.
Leather and/or rubber fetish
Depending on how you dress as a pony, you can incorporate leather and rubber fetishes into your play.
Sensory deprivation
Blinders take away a range of vision we are normally accustomed to. Human ponies are sometimes worked blindfolded so that they may hone in on non-verbal cues. Ear plugs are occasionally used as well. A real horse might sometimes be ear plugged as an attempt to quiet her when nervous.
Humiliation
Becoming an animal can be humiliating. The pony cannot use it's voice to speak human words, so it must express itself through body language or equine noises. Ponies are typically bitted, which serves as a kind of gag. Movements and communication are restricted to only those a horse is capable of. Some ponies have a tail that is held by a harness, others use a butt plug to which a tail has been attached. Many people find anal plugging to be humiliating.
Submission
The pony gives up the "choice of making choices" for the most part, so this is a very submissive role.
Exhibitionism
The pony gets to show off, or, rather, is displayed by the handlers.
The above is a very generalized and depersonalized overview of what is an intensely personal and individualistic kind of play, of course. As an example, what MS and i do with this doesn't ever include anyone else so the abovementioned aspect of exhibitionism isn't a part of this for us.
Here are a couple more links to info relating to this kind of play, should you be at all interested:
http://www.tdl.com/~thawley/ponyfaq.htm
http://www.rks-society.com/ariella/ponyplay.htm
http://www.dungeonnet.com/weblinks/Ponyboy_girl/
http://www.butchmanns.com/pony.html
A google search will doubtless net you many other links, should you want to pursue this.
Blackbich
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 13, 2001
- Posts
- 2,564
Ponies....
<sigh>
I have to admit, this is what had me the wettest when I read the Beauty books. Pony play. I don't know what it is but I LOVE ponies. Maybe it's that total submission aspect that cym mentioned in her post.
As usual, a wealth of information, cym!
MERELAN,
You are not ignorant, you're learning. There's a difference. If I had a computer, I'd post a picture for you but I can't do that with webtv.
I feel for both of you ladies and wish I could offer some advice on this. My friend went through something similar. Her Dom's wife wasn't into the lifestyle and agreed that he could have a sub. She wanted her to move in so she could 'make sure nothing else happened'. Once my friend got there, that all changed. She allowed her jealousy to interfere. She knew there was no sexual relationship between my friend and her husband. I'm guessing it was the level of intimacy she sensed. Or maybe it would have been any woman her husband glanced at, talked to, etc. My friend moved out due to the wife's jealousy. Things continued to go horribly wrong and the husband eventually moved out. He was not willing to continue living with someone that he'd have to repress his innermost feelings from. I say, if you KNOW that BDSM is as much a part of you as breathing, you can't stay with this person who isn't willing to help you explore this very essential side of yourself. Both of you are entitled to and deserve unconditional love. Rhandie, it's going to be hard, especially if he's going to drag you through the mud as you suspect. You're going to suffer a lot of whisperings, gossip and tongue wagging. Determine if you're strong enough to handle it. Based on what you've written, I think you are but you're the only one who can judge and decide that.
I will keep both of you ladies in my prayers.
<sigh>
I have to admit, this is what had me the wettest when I read the Beauty books. Pony play. I don't know what it is but I LOVE ponies. Maybe it's that total submission aspect that cym mentioned in her post.
As usual, a wealth of information, cym!
MERELAN,
You are not ignorant, you're learning. There's a difference. If I had a computer, I'd post a picture for you but I can't do that with webtv.
I feel for both of you ladies and wish I could offer some advice on this. My friend went through something similar. Her Dom's wife wasn't into the lifestyle and agreed that he could have a sub. She wanted her to move in so she could 'make sure nothing else happened'. Once my friend got there, that all changed. She allowed her jealousy to interfere. She knew there was no sexual relationship between my friend and her husband. I'm guessing it was the level of intimacy she sensed. Or maybe it would have been any woman her husband glanced at, talked to, etc. My friend moved out due to the wife's jealousy. Things continued to go horribly wrong and the husband eventually moved out. He was not willing to continue living with someone that he'd have to repress his innermost feelings from. I say, if you KNOW that BDSM is as much a part of you as breathing, you can't stay with this person who isn't willing to help you explore this very essential side of yourself. Both of you are entitled to and deserve unconditional love. Rhandie, it's going to be hard, especially if he's going to drag you through the mud as you suspect. You're going to suffer a lot of whisperings, gossip and tongue wagging. Determine if you're strong enough to handle it. Based on what you've written, I think you are but you're the only one who can judge and decide that.
I will keep both of you ladies in my prayers.
Thanks so much for your post; I wish you were near, I feel like you truly do understand me...
I also feel so lost down here. I can't talk to my parents about this; it is like being gay, and not ready to come out of the closet. I can't talk to my therapist about it either.... I have seen the laws in this state support unsealing of Dr. Paitient privledge over and over again....My best friend knows and can't talk about it with me. She said it is a side of me she wish I never told her about. Damn! I feel like burying my head in the sand.
The world is so full of people, so why do I have to feel so all alone?
You want WHAT FOR DINNER???
Rhandie
ChaoticLil
Really Experienced
- Joined
- May 24, 2001
- Posts
- 211
Blackbich said:
A humble thank you. It's nice to have a place to talk and people actually understand.
i know what my decision will be. Life is too short to be this unhappy; unfortunantly i won't be able to do anything until the first of the year when i have money. Yes, it will hurt.....but i can't continue to live the way i am.
Being this far away from the person who completes my soul is painful beyond words. But the journey will be well worth it.
MysticWolphi
Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2001
- Posts
- 49
Hello *blush* I am a sub. I just recently realized that I have been for most of my life. Now I'm just aware of it. I am alone though, and very lonley. I really WANT to have a Dom in my life, but i don't know what to do, as I am so new to this. I am going through a lot irl, and i am a little overwhelmed, but i am willing to go almost anywhere, do anything i can, be anything i am capable of, if i can find a Dom to be my master. But it is scary, looking for one thing and having the possibility of finding something else that I'm not into. Also I am disabled, and really naieve, and i am afraid to be taken advantage of. Obviously i am confused, i just want a Master to take care of me, and teach me. I posted a call of help and Cymbidia answered me and gave me a link that is exactly what i am looking for.
http://www.cyberhell.net/DsGuide/index.asp?page=chapter3
It was a lot of help detirmining what i was, and what i was looking for. But now i need to find it. Can someone please help?
Obviously i am confused, i just want a Master to take care of me, and teach me. I posted a call of help and Cymbidia answered me and gave me a link that is exactly what i am looking for. http://www.cyberhell.net/DsGuide/index.asp?page=chapter3
It was a lot of help detirmining what i was, and what i was looking for. But now i need to find it. Can someone please help?
~tehya~
Really Experienced
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- Oct 27, 2001
- Posts
- 163
O/our many thanks...
i just wanted to let all of you know how informative your posts have been to me. my Master and i are new to this and many of the topics that have come up here have been questions that He and i have had. Once again thank Y/you...
tehya
i just wanted to let all of you know how informative your posts have been to me. my Master and i are new to this and many of the topics that have come up here have been questions that He and i have had. Once again thank Y/you...
tehya
carrie-on
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2001
- Posts
- 7,010
Re: O/our many thanks...
Welcome tehya, this has been a wonderful place to learn. Anytime you need anything answered just post a question and someone will be sure to reply.~tehya~ said:i just wanted to let all of you know how informative your posts have been to me. my Master and i are new to this and many of the topics that have come up here have been questions that He and i have had. Once again thank Y/you...
tehya
Merelan
Lady's Love
- Joined
- Mar 29, 2000
- Posts
- 10,812
There I go blushing again. Guess I better get some more practise at this huh? Whistling innoccently. It kind of excites me a little. Hmmm...
Thank you for your help and answers. I thought that was what it was. As for doing searches and looking elsewhere for answers. Why should I? I have the best informed and most honest people right here. Thank you for all your help.
Thank you for your help and answers. I thought that was what it was. As for doing searches and looking elsewhere for answers. Why should I? I have the best informed and most honest people right here. Thank you for all your help.
cymbidia
unrepentant pervert
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2001
- Posts
- 8,786
Hello again, MysticWolphi. I don’t know where all the rest of the regulars are who post here. Looks like you’re stuck with my ideas, though as they wander in, they might help out with your questions and longings, too.MysticWolphi said:
Okay. So you’ve recognized and identified your longing for sexual submission. You’ve read a little bit about the whole thing and it resonated within you. Some place deep inside the not-yet-expressed needs you’ve been carrying along for a while rang like a bell as you read about submission and Dominance and Masters and slaves.
Now you want to get out there and do it. You want to sub. You want to bend. You want a Master, by the gods, to take over your life and teach you about this wildly exciting and wonderfully erotic new side of your sexuality.
Well, let me be the first to throw some cautions your way before you go rushing out hell bent on finding a Master and getting going. (Yes, yes, yes, please DO call me a wet blanket if you must but please DO listen to me, too.)
Your submission is a gift you make to a Dominant who is worthy of receiving such a precious thing from you. It’s not like your spit, something you have to spare, something that can be tossed out into the wind without second thought. It’s not like your hair where you can do anything to it and it’ll still, always, grow back just as nice as before.
Your need to submit is like your memory: as you use it, you’ll fine tune it and tone it and teach it how to work better. Your need to submit is like your sense of smell: always in the background, it colors and highlights everything you do, everywhere you go, everyone you brush against in your daily life.
Would you offer such a valuable part of who you are to just anyone claiming the abilities and headset of ‘Master’?
If you were in the market for a new vacuum cleaner and you’d researched and read and talked to other people about it, and you thought you knew what you wanted in that vacuum cleaner, would you trust someone who came to your door selling his brand vacuum cleaners and insisting they were better than any of the others in the world? Would you trust a salesperson in a vacuum cleaner store, the one who kept urging you toward the extra deluxe model? Would you trust the advertisement on TV, the one that claimed that particular vacuum cleaner could suck the paint off your walls, if that’s what you wanted it to do – and then would slice and dice your cucumber for you, too?
No. No you probably wouldn’t trust any of those people, those claims, would you? You’d go out there with an idea of how much you were willing to spend (sorry, that one costs too much… what do you have in my price range?), what you needed the vacuum cleaner to do (no thanks, I don’t need a carpet steam cleaner attachment for an extra $350), and whether you wanted an upright or one of the ones you have to pull behind you. You wouldn’t be sweet talked – or bullied – into buying what wasn’t right for you, would you?
So it is with your sexuality, with your submission.
There are a LOT of people out there, and in here, questing into BDSM sexuality. There are more and more all the time who want to find out if even a little of this eroticism is right for them. And unfortunately, at least some of those good-hearted, honestly seeking souls who begin a journey into area of sexuality will run afoul of the ugly BDSM pretenders out there who may hurt you, who may use you, and/or who don’t know what the hell they’re doing.
You can be badly hurt, emotionally and/or physically. You can be used. You can be abused. It happens all the time, unfortunately.
The line between consensual and beneficial BDSM between any two people and what is abusive and of benefit to only one partner is often fine, indeed. There are people out there who don’t know the difference, people who think being a Master means they get to beat you up whenever they like, then ass fuck you while you’re crying. There are people out there who think your being submissive means that you’ll kneel in the corner and shut the hell up until told what to do, and then you’ll do it, whatever it is, instantly. There are people out there who think your offering your submission to them means they instantly own your body, your soul, your money, your stuff – and that they have an instant right to your trust.
You can be well used and cared for. You can find the other half of your soul, of your heart, of dreams and desires – all in the form of one perfect-for-you Dominant. That’s tough to do, though, and especially tough to do when you’re so new to it.
Ask around. Ask people who are experienced with this how long it takes to find someone “perfect”. Ask if they’ve ever been hurt – or lied to – or felt used or abused in a BDSM relationship.
Just as if you were going out, cash in hand, to buy a new vacuum cleaner, you have to go out shopping for a Dominant with a very clear idea of what you want that Dominant to be like.
Are you looking for a romantic relationship in which the two of you will learn as you go? You know that new relationships are hard, right. Add an important new-to-you, maybe new-to-both-of-you sexuality into the mix and you’ve got grounds for problems unless you both stay very focused on growing the new relationship AND the new sexuality side-by-side.
Are you looking for a series of BDSM relationships, quick, intense, and passionate, with experienced players who will teach you the mechanics? You can find these pretty easily at places like www.alt.com and www.bondage.com but – beware! – it’s difficult to keep your heart out of it. Submission and love seem bound together for most subs. However, in short learning relationships, you’ll know going in that they’re not going to last, so guard your heart.
Are you looking for someone to mentor you, to teach you, to show the way?
Do you want him to love you?
Will that love come before the BDSM or after?
Will you love him?
Are you monogamous?
What if he’s bisexual?
What about limits (what you will and won’t do)?
Have you even thought about your limits at all yet?
At the very very very least, you **GOTTA** know where your limits lie before you ever try to talk to someone about doing this stuff with you. You gotta be able to very clearly tell that other person, that so-wonderful Dominant, that you will not have anything to do with animals, children, suffocation games of any kind, no whippings that will leave even slight marks, no canes, no hoods, no piercings, no permanent markings, and no fucking scat play, either. Here’s a form that might help you (anything you don’t understand, come back and ask – someone here will know): http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/over21/bondage/sub-checklist.html
You might benefit from more thinking and reading about the way in which you will take the HUGE world of BDSM sexuality and make it your own, by keeping that which seems important to you and discarding the huge amount that is confusing or frightening. You can always take back later what you’ve discarded for now. If there’s anything true of people who are interested in BDSM sexuality, it’s that we’re always trying new stuff, going new places, inching into new sensations – with or without a partner.
You scare me. You feel the need for this so intensely already but you’re so scattered, so new, so unfocused, that you scare me. I’m afraid the Big Bad Wolf will come to your door claiming to be Master Wolf. Since he’s the first Maser ever to knock on your door, you’ll not recognize the real danger he emanates as you invite him in and give him your life, your heart, and your innocence.
Listen – here’s a truth: There’s nothing wrong with waiting until you know what you want to go after it.
Read. Talk with others. Clarify your needs and wants and fantasies and desires a little (a lot, really) before you go out and offer your submission to the first one who happens along. All who claim to be Masters are not trustworthy or knowledgeable. Remember that.
Here are a few more good quality websites for newbies. Please take some time to look them over, okay? Additionally, there are a few tailored to submissives with disabilities, and though I can’t know what type yours is, I hope that something here is applicable to you.
Blackrose’s Introduction to Dominance and Submission
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Boardwalk/7978/index.html
Out Of The Shadows: BDSM and Kinky Sex Forum
http://www.submission.net/bdsm.html#contact
SubSpace: A Resource Learning Center for Submissives
http://www.castlerealm.com/subspace/subspace.htm
Submission Resources (a site with links to other sites – but good links, high-quality links, for the most part; scroll down to the sections that interest you; there’s a Disabilities section here, too)
http://www.submission.org.uk/resources.html
BDSM Online (you can find something on anything here)
http://www.bdsm-online.com/welcome2.htm
Steel-Door Newsletter: Handicapped in BDSM (Note: Mistress Steel is very well-known and almost always offers info tailored toward more experienced lifestylers but there’s some good info in here for newbies, too.)
http://www.steel-door.com/Handicapped.html
Go to the beginning of this thread - yes, way back there - and page through it until you come to WriterDom’s post on Online Predators. Read it. Print it out. Read it a couple more times.
Remember, you’re very vulnerable right now, at the beginning of this journey. To some people vulnerability looks like easy-pickings.
Be safe as you move into this new lifestyle, MysticWolphi.
Come back often to let us know how you’re doing.
Everyone has something of value to offer here, even those brand new to this BDSM thing. You can offer insights and commentary on the process you’re going through as you take these first steps. You can give voice to your delights and your worries. You can offer warnings that those of us who’ve been doing this a long time might never think to offer.
Choose your vacuum cleaner carefully and you'll get what you need from it for years and years and years - maybe forever.
cymbidia
unrepentant pervert
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2001
- Posts
- 8,786
I think I can speak for most of us here, tehya, when I say ‘thanks’ for your kindness in posting your appreciation of our collective thoughts. It’s a pretty human trait, I think, to want to help others, to want to feel appreciated, and to glow with pleasure at learning we’ve been of some real use to another person or two.~tehya~ said:
You’re certainly welcome to return often, you and your Master, of course, to ask questions and offer advice. Those who do so only enrich us all in the long run.
Yeh. It kinda excites me, too, Merelen.Merelan said:
