Bad Random Life Tips.

[mnbreastluver]

Want a girl to think you have a big dick? Make your own ruler.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you're out of condoms and you're at their house, then sneak into the kitchen drawers or pantry. Most people tend to save plastic bags from grocery stores. If she asks about the crinkly noise just say it's one of those new biodegradable condoms.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Got called for jury duty but you want to get out of it? Just tell the judge that you were the one who committed the crime and you're off the hook.

 

[Jada59]

Want to make zucchini bread? Just go door to door, telling the neighbors that you are out of ____ and ask to borrow some. Soon that bread will be yours!

 

[mnbreastluver]

Always be sure to get your address engraved on your house key. That way, if you lose it, it can easily be returned.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Feeling like exercising? Lie down until the feeling fades.

 

[mnbreastluver]

When the penis is held in the vagina for more than 20 seconds, the woman will be reverted back to factory settings

 

[mnbreastluver]

Glue a tiny mirror over the picture of you on your driver's license so when you hand it to the police, they get confused and arrest themselves instead.

 

[Jada59]

When buying grapes, pick them all off the stem first. Leave the stem in another person's shopping cart.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Rub salt in your eyes to stop them from watering.

 

[DarkSimian]

Want people to think you're smart? Read Mein Kampf (in the original German) out loud in public

 

[mnbreastluver]

Need a cheap breakfast? Stop by a cheap hotel and eat their free continental breakfast. As long as you look like you belong there, no one will question you.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Want to save money on adult diapers? Buy baby diapers at the dollar store. Then, put two pairs along side eachother and duct tape them together. Not only will you save $ but you'll have teddy bears or fairies on them to enhance the overall look.

 

[Jada59]

To boost your self confidence, walk around naked in public.

 

[Deleted member 3041612]

Try the food at a hot bar before you assemble it on a plate, you'll have dinner settled and you won't be hungry.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you're out of toilet paper you can just use a common house cat. They will self clean themselves and it's better for the environment.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Want more space and patience on the road? Don't put a "Baby on board" sticker. Get yourself a "Bomb on board" decal.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If your Fleshlight is damaged or lost, tacos are an adequate substitute. You can eat it afterwards as a healthy, protein packed snack.

 

[DarkSimian]

It is perfectly acceptable to use the n-word in public conversations. The louder the better

 

[Epheme]

Order your steak well done. And not butterflied. A1 sauce is your friend.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Masturbate and ejaculate multiple times minutes before having an unprotected sex. This will prevent you from impregnating your partner. Bonus: Foreplay will also last long because your dick will be flaccid as fuck which requires time to recuperate.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If a strange man gives you candy there's probably more in his van.

 

[Epheme]

Always trust an airline to check your carry-on bag for you.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Having sex with a bald girl but want to pull on her hair? Just attach a toilet plunger to her head!

 

[lovetopleasewomen]

Drinking before you drive will enhance your driving experience, especially after drinking Tequila.