Am I being selfish?

[Purrde Flower]

Ok I am the mother of 4 young children (ages 18 months - 7years). I am divorcing my ex (papers will be filed at the end of this month) who currently does not send them hardly any money for support. We live with my mother right now. I can not get a job because I can not afford the 100 dollar per child a week babysitting. Because one of my boys gets SSI we do not qualify for the CCMS babysitting.

Currently my mother and I have gotten into several arguments over childcare issues. I personaly don't think she has a say in anything because she was never around my brother or I as a child. In fact this is the first time she has been there for me in about 12 years. My mother will make snide remarks to my children and tell them that I do not love them enough to do this or that. It's her way of manipulating me to do what she wants. She takes her bad days out on me when she gets home and we end up fighting over something or another. I have gotten to the point that when she gets home I will just bring the kids into my room and we will watch cartoons or movies I have downloaded durring the day.

I am thinking of sending them to live with their father until school is out. So I can get a job full time and save as much as I can until I can get into Section 8 housing or HUD (or whatever it is). This summer I will start school again and I will be able to get all of the funding for childcare, housing help and things like that. He might be an ass but he is good one on one with the kids.


The only things that are holding me back is.. When I get divorced.. will I be able to get my kids back or will the court think I just took an easy way out and abandoned my kids. Will my kids think I abandonded them? Is this an easy way out?

I dunno. I am just so confused right now. I would really like to hear different opinions on this though. It might help me to see things from different sides.

 

[Kitte]

Ok in all honesty sweets, at least here, once you let them go it does make it harder to get them back. I am not sure what it is like where you are, you may want to go to talk to a lawyer...gimme a bit let me see what I can find online for your state (I think I sent you some stuff earlier..did you bookmark?)

I am not in your shoes hon, so I am not one to offer advice...just know I am here to listen.

 

[bad kitty]

Wow, honey you are in a tight spot. Would your ex use that against you to try and get the kids? The whole "you can't support them kinda thing?" Do you have anyone else close that you could possibly stay with for a while? It sounds as if your mother isn't what they or you need right now. Bless you heart and I pray you make it through this. You are indeed in a difficult spot.

 

[Purrde Flower]

Wow, honey you are in a tight spot. Would your ex use that against you to try and get the kids? The whole "you can't support them kinda thing?" Do you have anyone else close that you could possibly stay with for a while? It sounds as if your mother isn't what they or you need right now. Bless you heart and I pray you make it through this. You are indeed in a difficult spot.

I was thinking about getting him to sign a paper and get it noterized or something like that to say that I can get the kids back in the summe r for full custody.. I do not have any family in this area other than my brother. And he himself is going through a very very nasty divorce. Worse than mine.

 

[peachykeen]

I would say that the answer really relies on your relationship with your ex. I was fortunate enough to have parents that, when they split, were always able to leave my sisters and I out of any problem they were having, and make decisions about what was best for us girls together. There was a short period of time when I was about 10 when we were in a similar situation and we went to live with my dad for about six months, and then back to living with Mom in a new place.

You should really probably try to talk to a lawyer, though, just to establish what your rights are and what his are and so forth.

 

[Purrde Flower]

Ok in all honesty sweets, at least here, once you let them go it does make it harder to get them back. I am not sure what it is like where you are, you may want to go to talk to a lawyer...gimme a bit let me see what I can find online for your state (I think I sent you some stuff earlier..did you bookmark?)

I am not in your shoes hon, so I am not one to offer advice...just know I am here to listen.

I have looked at a bunch of law stuff. I have so much stuff bookmarked. hehe. *hug*

 

[bad kitty]

I was thinking about getting him to sign a paper and get it noterized or something like that to say that I can get the kids back in the summe r for full custody.. I do not have any family in this area other than my brother. And he himself is going through a very very nasty divorce. Worse than mine.

But still, paper or not, you know what kind of person he is. Would he get nasty and use it against you? The courts wouldn't really address it unless he makes it an issue.

 

[Purrde Flower]

But still, paper or not, you know what kind of person he is. Would he get nasty and use it against you? The courts wouldn't really address it unless he makes it an issue.

That's part of the problem also.. i don't think he will but I am not 100% on that. If he used somehting like that I could also say that he has sent about 200 dollars in about 7-8 months of seperation..

 

[Purrde Flower]

You should really probably try to talk to a lawyer, though, just to establish what your rights are and what his are and so forth.

Kitte found me the number to call for legal aid. Because well i just can't afford a lawyer! I'm going to call them up tomorrow.

 

[MissTaken]

Calling Legal Aid is the best first move.

No, you aren't being selfish. Your current situation isn't working.

Is there someone else you could stay with?

Also, ask legal aid aobut your ex's responsibility in terms of day care expenses. In NY, day care costs are split, pro rated based upon each party's income.

You also may find that there is some assistance somewhere to help you get set up in housing. Section 8 is a great deal as it is 30 percent of your gross adjusted income.

Definitely, do not let the kids go there unless a lawyer tells you it is a good idea. I doubt they will, honestly. Best wishes to you, I also lived with my mom for a bit, and it isn't always fun.

Hang in there,
MIssT

 

[bad kitty]

That's part of the problem also.. i don't think he will but I am not 100% on that. If he used somehting like that I could also say that he has sent about 200 dollars in about 7-8 months of seperation..

Then they would probably ask you why you would consider letting them stay with him. Very tricky situation. Legal aid seems the best bet.

 

[modest mouse]

Peachy, and others, are correct; please contact a lawyer. Its a difficult circumstance. It sounds like you want to do the best for your children, a lawyer can help you make sure that is what the court thinks as well.

Its unfortunate that your mother cannot be of more help. Good luck.

 

[Purrde Flower]

Calling Legal Aid is the best first move.

No, you aren't being selfish. Your current situation isn't working.

Is there someone else you could stay with?

I honeslty don't know. I have been cut off from a lot of my family for my entire marriage. All of their children are grown and moving out.

Also, ask legal aid aobut your ex's responsibility in terms of day care expenses. In NY, day care costs are split, pro rated based upon each party's income.

Until papers are filed he doesn't have to pay a thing. From what I understand.

You also may find that there is some assistance somewhere to help you get set up in housing. Section 8 is a great deal as it is 30 percent of your gross adjusted income.

Definitely, do not let the kids go there unless a lawyer tells you it is a good idea. I doubt they will, honestly. Best wishes to you, I also lived with my mom for a bit, and it isn't always fun.

Hang in there,
MIssT

*hug* Thanks for all.

 

[Purrde Flower]

Peachy, and others, are correct; please contact a lawyer. Its a difficult circumstance. It sounds like you want to do the best for your children, a lawyer can help you make sure that is what the court thinks as well.

Its unfortunate that your mother cannot be of more help. Good luck.

I'm calling legal aid in the morning. I do want to do what is best for them.

My mom has her good days. They are just feqw and far inbetween.

 

[Ezarc]

I wish you the best of luck. I don't have anything useful to say other then you are trying to do what is best for them and that is the most important thing.

 

[Purrde Flower]

I wish you the best of luck. I don't have anything useful to say other then you are trying to do what is best for them and that is the most important thing.

*hug*

Want to thank everyone. I feel tons better.

 

[bknight2602]

Ok in all honesty sweets, at least here, once you let them go it does make it harder to get them back. I am not sure what it is like where you are, you may want to go to talk to a lawyer...gimme a bit let me see what I can find online for your state (I think I sent you some stuff earlier..did you bookmark?)

I am not in your shoes hon, so I am not one to offer advice...just know I am here to listen.

That is correct, keep them however you can. Try biting you tongue until you get money saved to move out.

Best of luck.

 

[Purrde Flower]

That is correct, keep them however you can. Try biting you tongue until you get money saved to move out.

Best of luck.

I can't even get a job because I can't afford the babysitting

 

[Lancecastor]

My mother will make snide remarks to my children and tell them that I do not love them enough to do this or that.

This needs to be addressed with your mother right away.

It strikes me that you need to weigh the downside of your mother versus the loss of your children in the interim (and the legal affect of that interim change in de facto/day to day custody).

Based on what you have written here to date, I'd focus on that as one of the key things to discuss with your lawyer in terms of finding solutions to your parenting challenges in the year ahead.

Hope this helps.

Lance

 

[bknight2602]

I can't even get a job because I can't afford the babysitting

I understand that is why I said bite your tongue about what your mom says/does until you can afford it.

Maybe their might be a co-operative around where you live? Moms in the same predicament?

 

[Purrde Flower]

I understand that is why I said bite your tongue about what your mom says/does until you can afford it.

Maybe their might be a co-operative around where you live? Moms in the same predicament?

I can afford it in 4 years when I am out of school My mother could win the absentee mothers award along with my father winning the absentee father of the year awards. My brother who is 2 years older than me pretty much raised me since I was about 5.

 

[Purrde Flower]

Re: Re: Am I being selfish?

This needs to be addressed with your mother right away.

It strikes me that you need to weigh the downside of your mother versus the loss of your children in the interim (and the legal affect of that interim change in de facto/day to day custody).

Based on what you have written here to date, I'd focus on that as one of the key things to discuss with your lawyer in terms of finding solutions to your parenting challenges in the year ahead.

Hope this helps.

Lance

I have spoken to my mother. Many many times on this. I think what I said to her today might have finaly breached that negative barrior she has around herself 99% of the time it seems. I told her never to speak to them again if she doesn't have anyhitng nice to say. I told her didn't your mother tell you not to say things to others, especially family if it wasn't nice.. That seemed to shut her up pretty quick.

When I go talk to this lawyer I am going to have a list of questions to ask and find out as much information as I can. I do intent to file divorce papers at the end of this month or the beginning of the next.

 

[lorddragonwolf]

best thing to do is get legal aide or a lawyer. is there anyone else you can stay with? they might help babysit while you work. also some teens will babysit for a set amount per day. i can only hope that he will start to pay child support and stop giving the rest of us fathers a bad name.

 

[bknight2602]

I can afford it in 4 years when I am out of school My mother could win the absentee mothers award along with my father winning the absentee father of the year awards. My brother who is 2 years older than me pretty much raised me since I was about 5.

I understand, perhaps try to talk to mom and get her to lighten up a little. It may be that she "thinks" you're doing everything wrong. IWith a little dialog it might get solved.