A submissive's arousal...does it matter?

[Winter_of_62]

Ok, ok, I know - the last post was mine and from a Male Dom, but this very thing is what has really gotten my mind wondering and wanting to experience this very thing. As both a man and a Top, I so know what this quoted line alludes to and thinking that some things must be experienced to fully comprehend and appreciate. This is something I very much want to experience.

The power exchange is what I find so invigorating and exiting about BDSM and this seems to me to be the ultimate "exchange". It would be fascinating to be in position to serve and pleasure a dominant male while aroused and then for him to render me "impotent" and in a state of total "*loss* of arousal" and yet still be expected to serve/service as the poster so eloquently states to "be so vulnerable as the male who sees this sexual capability ebb away under the top's agenda".

Ebb away indeed...

Winter

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

bumping this one back up because of a similar discussion currently taking place on another board. many submissive women passionately claimed to be steaming, juicy, writhing balls of lust, to the point of having difficulty sleeping or functioning through the day if they did not experience a sexual release. this completely blows my mind, as someone with a fairly low key sexual response. and likewise most were incredulous about my stated lack of intense sexual feelings or desire for sexual release at any point.

so it made me wonder, is our capacity for these sexual feelings and urges hard-wired into us? are some folks just naturally "lusty," and others just naturally "meh?" or are these things conditioned into us through our sexual experiences, beliefs and values?

I *think* for him, my arousal is often inconsequential.

A lot of the time, he doesn't do anything to ensure my arousal, other than letting me get him ready to fuck. My touching him, sucking him, pleasing him, does make me aroused if I work at it long enough.

If he doesn't want to wait that long, and I haven't gotten wet, he just uses a bit of spit to make a smoother entrance. Of course, during the course of his fucking me, I tend to get godawfully aroused. And sometimes he lets me cum.


I'm not a writhing ball of lust. I *do* however, have trouble sleeping if I haven't masturbated and made myself orgasm, but that's really much more a habitual thing than anything else.

Generally, during sex, I enjoy my arousal, and I'm generally not focused on my own pleasure. Granted, most of our sex is focused on his pleasure, not on tormenting me to the point where I can't take it any more and I'm begging for release. I don't really experience that earth shattering release anyway. I certainly enjoy my orgasms, but they're mostly satisfactory. Sometimes they're amazing.

I don't know what my beliefs and values are! That's soemthing I'm going to have to think about. And my sexual experience is not exactly broad. So I'm going to have to settle on soemthing being hardwired inside me.

 

[sb2009]

I have been thinking about this.

For lots of reasons, if I am focused on the big O, it kind of takes the interaction part of it, *for me* - due to meds, my stress levels, etc, 75% of the time I can't come from sex, unless I concentrate so hard on it that I am basically alone in my head and he's just there for me to grind on or something.

HOWEVER, that doesn't mean I don't love sex. It feels GREAT, I love feeling him inside me and it thrills me, physically and mentally. I just have trouble jumping over that cliff and for a lot of reasons, I just don't think it's worth it to work that hard LOL I get plenty of orgasms from vibes.

I generally have no moisture troubles, when I was younger and married to my ex I was "too wet" and HE could rarely finish becuase he said he "couldn't feel anything but my wetness" :rolleyes smilie here

For my husband, sometimes, like middle of the night sex, super quickies, etc, he's not concerned other than making sure I'm wet so he doesn't get some chafing on his cock. I so express my pleasure in moans and stuff, I love sex, I just don't come with him inisde me a whole lot.

OH, and BiBunny - what you wrote resonated with me, sometimes it drives me crazy that I'm doing something I hate and I'm aroused anyway, and he laughs evilly at me :-(

 

[rida]

I can relate to sb2009 post above very well.

I used to be able to orgasm very easily, but very rarely from penetration alone. It was never a problem as I'll help out rubbing my clit or grinding on the guy to get there myself.

Between having to learn to take longer to cum (I used to react mostly as a man: after my O I did not want to be touched at all for quite some time) and changes that took place hormonally with pregnancies, psychologically and emotionally within the marriage and having kids, it has gotten much harder to cum during sex (by myself I can be very quick if I put my mind to it). The good thing though is that now I don't get almost any "refractory period" (ok, a second or two) and I've learned to be multi-orgasmic.

Now that being said, I'm glad that my own arousal and O is not a major concern with Hubby nor the Sadist. The pressure of having to be aroused or to cum is the sure way to kill any chance for arousal. Also, bringing me too many times to the verge without letting me orgasm, is also a sure way to make sure that my arousal will disappear and whatever brought me on the brink this time is not going to do squat next.

That being said, I enjoy penetrative sex and it always make me aroused, but very very very very rarely to the trashing OMG need to cum! stage.

As for wetness ... none of my partners had ever felt it a problem to start fucking me while dry (the sadist in them ) and the first stroke usually create enough wetness to continue. And if it is lacking, there is always lube.

So to conclude and answer the question: "A submissive arousal ... does it matter?"
Thankfully, in my D/s relationships, it does not.

 

[ownedsubgal]

So to conclude and answer the question: "A submissive arousal ... does it matter?"
Thankfully, in my D/s relationships, it does not.

rida, thanks for the contribution. i found your post very interesting...and have a question actually: while it is clear that your arousal does not matter to either your Husband or the Sadist during the course of using you sexually, do you think it matters to either of them that you experience either sexual arousal or sexual release at any point in your life? for instance, would either of them be bothered if you were unable to orgasm period, with yourself or anyone else?

 

[rida]

rida, thanks for the contribution. i found your post very interesting...and have a question actually: while it is clear that your arousal does not matter to either your Husband or the Sadist during the course of using you sexually, do you think it matters to either of them that you experience either sexual arousal or sexual release at any point in your life? for instance, would either of them be bothered if you were unable to orgasm period, with yourself or anyone else?

Hubby loves to bring me to the brink of madness as he loves to see me trashing about and wanting to beg for release. He also enjoys forced orgasms and one of his fantasy is to watch me orgasming while being fucked by another man or many men. That being said, if I were to tell him that I have become unable to orgasm, he would probably want me to get it checked to find out the reason. But I think he would probably accept it as a matter of fact, as far as it did not bother me.

With the Sadist we had this conversation not too long ago, when I expressed my gratitude for the fact that there is no pressure on my own orgasm from him. (If I could orgasm from pain it would just be perfect for him. )
As for his reaction if I were to become anorgasmic, as far I still let him do what he pleases, I would expect the same reaction as Hubby's. (he confessed to be surprised by the fact that I truly do not care whether I cum or not and that I truly love to fuck for the fuck in and on itself.)

One thing that I forgot to say in my previous post is that I LOVE to feel a man cum inside of me. There are times that it feels so good I'm as blissful (if not more so) then if I had cum myself.

I could not be with a man that put too much pressure on my Os.

 

[ownedsubgal]

so because it is there, it is a toy your Husband enjoys playing with at times, but if it were not there his pleasure in you would not be lacking. that is cool. too many men put pressure on a female to achieve something which may not even be possible for her (and especially impossible when pushed), and further may not even be something which she desires at all.

ooh and i love the feeling of man releasing inside of me as well...there is nothing better under the sun, imo. i savor every moment from the initial swelling of his cock as he is climbing the peak, to each and every pulsation accompanied by all that lovely warm seed. i love to listen to his pounding heartbeat, to run my hands across the tense muscles of his body. i love the sounds of pleasure and relief he makes, and the calm contentedness after. i love to get up and feel it sliding down my legs, or even better...when it has gone so deep that nothing will make its way back out. yum.

now who the heck needs an orgasm when you can have THAT?!

 

[rida]

so because it is there, it is a toy your Husband enjoys playing with at times, but if it were not there his pleasure in you would not be lacking. that is cool. too many men put pressure on a female to achieve something which may not even be possible for her (and especially impossible when pushed), and further may not even be something which she desires at all.

ooh and i love the feeling of man releasing inside of me as well...there is nothing better under the sun, imo. i savor every moment from the initial swelling of his cock as he is climbing the peak, to each and every pulsation accompanied by all that lovely warm seed. i love to listen to his pounding heartbeat, to run my hands across the tense muscles of his body. i love the sounds of pleasure and relief he makes, and the calm contentedness after. i love to get up and feel it sliding down my legs, or even better...when it has gone so deep that nothing will make its way back out. yum.

now who the heck needs an orgasm when you can have THAT?!

OK, now THAT description over there ^^^ made me hot! LOL
And I totally agree

 

[seela]

ooh and i love the feeling of man releasing inside of me as well...there is nothing better under the sun, imo. i savor every moment from the initial swelling of his cock as he is climbing the peak, to each and every pulsation accompanied by all that lovely warm seed. i love to listen to his pounding heartbeat, to run my hands across the tense muscles of his body. i love the sounds of pleasure and relief he makes, and the calm contentedness after. i love to get up and feel it sliding down my legs, or even better...when it has gone so deep that nothing will make its way back out. yum.

now who the heck needs an orgasm when you can have THAT?!

^This I totally agree with.

I don't like to have an orgasm and I try to avoid it every time I possibly can. I am capable of orgasming, but it feels quite unpleasant for me and it's certainly not something I wish to happen. This makes forced orgasms a very effective tool for him. He can make me orgasm, but it takes quite a while to build and is a battle of wills for us.

In my relationship my arousal doesn't really matter at all. It happens if and when it happens, if it doesn't happen, then it won't slow him down. However, I'm aroused quite easily and I love the feeling. All in all, I'm happy he doesn't care about my arousal or orgasms one way or another.

Nothing ruins my enjoyment of sex like being expected to orgasm. Well, maybe cunnilingus and especially being expected to orgasm from it. *shivers*

 

[kaycee217]

I have been thinking about this.

For lots of reasons, if I am focused on the big O, it kind of takes the interaction part of it, *for me* - due to meds, my stress levels, etc, 75% of the time I can't come from sex, unless I concentrate so hard on it that I am basically alone in my head and he's just there for me to grind on or something.

HOWEVER, that doesn't mean I don't love sex. It feels GREAT, I love feeling him inside me and it thrills me, physically and mentally. I just have trouble jumping over that cliff and for a lot of reasons, I just don't think it's worth it to work that hard LOL I get plenty of orgasms from vibes.

I generally have no moisture troubles, when I was younger and married to my ex I was "too wet" and HE could rarely finish becuase he said he "couldn't feel anything but my wetness" :rolleyes smilie here

For my husband, sometimes, like middle of the night sex, super quickies, etc, he's not concerned other than making sure I'm wet so he doesn't get some chafing on his cock. I so express my pleasure in moans and stuff, I love sex, I just don't come with him inisde me a whole lot.

OH, and BiBunny - what you wrote resonated with me, sometimes it drives me crazy that I'm doing something I hate and I'm aroused anyway, and he laughs evilly at me :-(

But why is that? Shouldn't doing something you hate not result in sexual arousal? Or does the submission turn you on so much, that even if you have to do something you don't want to, you're still turned on?

 

[ownedsubgal]

^This I totally agree with.

I don't like to have an orgasm and I try to avoid it every time I possibly can. I am capable of orgasming, but it feels quite unpleasant for me and it's certainly not something I wish to happen. This makes forced orgasms a very effective tool for him. He can make me orgasm, but it takes quite a while to build and is a battle of wills for us.

In my relationship my arousal doesn't really matter at all. It happens if and when it happens, if it doesn't happen, then it won't slow him down. However, I'm aroused quite easily and I love the feeling. All in all, I'm happy he doesn't care about my arousal or orgasms one way or another.

Nothing ruins my enjoyment of sex like being expected to orgasm. Well, maybe cunnilingus and especially being expected to orgasm from it. *shivers*

omg....chickadee we are going to be fast friends for sure!!

 

[ownedsubgal]

But why is that? Shouldn't doing something you hate not result in sexual arousal? Or does the submission turn you on so much, that even if you have to do something you don't want to, you're still turned on?

physical arousal is not always related to mental arousal. your body may respond to something that mentally and emotionally traumatizes you. it is rarely a black/white thing.

case in point, it is well known that many rape victims become aroused during their assault...this does not mean that they in ANY way like or enjoy what is happening to them, it only means a trigger was tripped on the purely physical level.

 

[Netzach]

I don't have orgasms from PIV alone or g-spot stim alone. Not with cock, fake cock, my fingers, her fingers, his fingers, curved G spot vibes, or meditation and chanting. No clit attention, no orgasm.

Once or twice a good solid pounding in the ass did it for me. My stuff must be arranged differently, nerve wise.

I *love* PIV fucking, however. It's just good times for my pussy my male or dick/wielding loved ones and me. It's not like "oh I have performed great service" it's just "wow" when your person of preference is in you and they get off. I like it. I make no great feminist apologia. If sex were a grim scorecard of his orgasm versus mine I'd be sad.

If you're going to put your face down there, you'd damn well better have a point to it. *poor* or *meandering* cunnilingus *is* torture. T is obsessed with having his face between my legs from the top as well as the bottom - and he's a demonic tease in the case of the former. I've always believed that those who really want to know what they're doing with that know what they're doing.

 

[seela]

I hate cunnilingus to a point that I've actually faked an orgasm just to get the guy stop.

I always run into people who say that I just haven't met anyone who really knows what they're doing in there and that's why I don't like it. I dunno, it could be possible, but I kinda doubt it. Mostly I just get pissed off when I run into people who cannot fathom the fact that I really, really don't want a tongue in the vicinity of my snatch and that I really, really am far happier if they don't expect me to orgasm.

I mean, that Cosmo stuff about men having to please their women and so on is all good. I just wish they added the little disclaimer that even the Cosmo tips aren't for everybody.

 

[Netzach]

I hate cunnilingus to a point that I've actually faked an orgasm just to get the guy stop.

I always run into people who say that I just haven't met anyone who really knows what they're doing in there and that's why I don't like it. I dunno, it could be possible, but I kinda doubt it. Mostly I just get pissed off when I run into people who cannot fathom the fact that I really, really don't want a tongue in the vicinity of my snatch and that I really, really am far happier if they don't expect me to orgasm.

I mean, that Cosmo stuff about men having to please their women and so on is all good. I just wish they added the little disclaimer that even the Cosmo tips aren't for everybody.

Oh, based on the fact that everyone who's poked away at my snatch HAD to be doing it better than the last person *ha* I am in no way suggesting you just haven't met the right tongue.

 

[seela]

I didn't mean it as a direct comment to you, I didn't get the idea that you were suggesting that I haven't met the right tongue yet. Your comment just reminded me of the various other people that have crossed my path and actually have said that I just haven't met the right guy yet.

 

[kaycee217]

physical arousal is not always related to mental arousal. your body may respond to something that mentally and emotionally traumatizes you. it is rarely a black/white thing.

case in point, it is well known that many rape victims become aroused during their assault...this does not mean that they in ANY way like or enjoy what is happening to them, it only means a trigger was tripped on the purely physical level.

But the mental arousal is still sexual, is it not? If not, what kind of arousal is it? And if it is mental, how can sexual mental stimulation/arousal not result in physical sexual arousal?

 

[kittyn_]

Guess I'm somewhat strange on the oral stuff, at least among the bottom-type people. I don't mind it, but if you go at it trying to get me to cum, and with the intent to make stuff feel good, I have no interest and there's a decent chance I'm going to squeal because that much stimulation hurts when I'm not into it. And not 'good' hurt. Just 'Make it fucking stop, yesterday.' It's nothing to do with my comfort zones, or lack of ability of my partner(s), I just can't get off from or enjoy oral with any serious intent. Which I should have never let the male know.

On the lust v. meh thing, I have no clue. I used to be constantly wanting sex, but not neccessarily to orgasm from. I like sex, I always have, and I will only rarely say 'no'. Couple times lately due to everything being wonky at 7 mo's pregnant and just not feeling right in general. But getting off has never been the goal, it's a nice bonus, and if he wants me to, I'll do my best, but I can't guarantee I'll be able to. So while in a way I'm constantly 'lusting' and horny, it's not really because I'm squirmy, soaked, and desperate. If you actually want all of that, it's a lot of work for everyone involved.

So I guess it's possible to be lusty and meh at the same time, basically. I wouldn't want to be one or the other all of the time anyway, just doesn't seem like it'd be much fun living on one extreme or the other, or at the very least, it's not for me at the current point in time.

 

[Kikori]

In response to Kaycee not getting it?

Rape. As one example.

 

[kittyn_]

But the mental arousal is still sexual, is it not? If not, what kind of arousal is it? And if it is mental, how can sexual mental stimulation/arousal not result in physical sexual arousal?

Not directed to me, but I'm answering anyway. Yeah, it normally is at minimum physical if not exactly sexual. It doesn't mean I like it any more than I did to start with, simply that I dislike it enough that my body has taken over and is trying to at least make it tolerable, or upon occasion, even enjoyable.

 

[rosco rathbone]

All this nonarousal is making me aroused.

 

[kaycee217]

In response to Kaycee not getting it?

Rape. As one example.

I don't think you can use that example, because it involves physical arousal, not mental arousal. I'm referring to the exact opposite situation: a submissive doing something they do not want to, but it results in mental arousal (sexually, presumably...I'm not sure) and even physical sexual arousal (again, presumably, I'm not sure, hence all my questions).

 

[kaycee217]

Not directed to me, but I'm answering anyway. Yeah, it normally is at minimum physical if not exactly sexual. It doesn't mean I like it any more than I did to start with, simply that I dislike it enough that my body has taken over and is trying to at least make it tolerable, or upon occasion, even enjoyable.

Thanks for chiming in . However, I don't quite follow what you're saying. Are you saying by being "forced" to do something you hate results in physical arousal all the time, and sometimes this physical arousal is sexual? If it's sometimes sexual, how do you explain that?

I just don't understand how doing something you hate (or otherwise do not want to do) can result in sexual arousal, whether it's physical sexual arousal or mental sexual arousal. I'm not calling out anyone on it, just trying to learn and understand, that's all.

 

[kittyn_]

I don't really have a 'logical' reason, I've tried explaining the 'whys' of it to my husband before, and I can't figure out a good way to explain it. I just know that I can allow or make myself do something that I really don't want to do, like, or find appealing, and at a certain point it's like the disgust, dislike, or whatever reason behind my hate of the act just doesn't matter. At that point, it's a weird kind of disconnect.

Yeah, a good deal of what happens past the point where I 'give in' to it can get me sexually aroused, but I think the actual arousal/pleasure is more from my mental state. I don't like it, but I'm doing it, and he won. No point in fighting it until next time, so I may as well find a way to enjoy the situation, and the fact that it may be an act I despise is just fuel for that.

I won't go so far as to say that all, or even many, people do that, submissive or not, but for me, that's what happens. I don't like it, but eventually I seem to realize it's not going to change, stop resisting/complaining, and from there it can go to actual enjoyment if the situation is right, at least til the next time it comes up.

 

[sb2009]

i don't waste too much time on it. Also, it's not like I get aroused doing laundry, and I hate that. I think for me its the idea that I'm submitting to a demand I do something that he knows I do not want to do, but I'm doing it anyway...and that turns me on.

Now, we are busy boring parents so it's not like this happens too much but when it does, it's hot as hell.