10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

[Phoenyx]

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will
agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

And first and foremost:

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

 

[Moridin187]

Heheh.. when I was younger.. I had a trick I used to love playing on the telemarketers.. I've had a deep, adult sounding voice since I was about 13.. and because of working as a secretary for the family business, I have a tendancy of dropping my voice an octave while I'm on the phone.. So.. I'd pick it up..

Telemarketer: "hello, is Mr. {Censored} home?"
Me: "Speaking."

Then I'd let them go through their whole spiel, ask the right questions, take up at least half an hour to an hour of their time..

Telemarketer:"So if you'll just give me your credit card number.."
Me: "I'm 15."
Telemarketer: "*click*"

 

[LukkyKnight]

I've always felt that alerting them that the call is being recorded and that you want them to be aware of this so that you won't be accused later of violating the relevant federal statutes has a way of putting them off their game.

 

[LRC]

I have asked them to hold on a second while I turned the stove off

and then I never get back on the phone.

 

[Baron]

I should be more creative, I guess.

I just always say "NO THANK YOU WE DON'T WANT TO BUY ANYTHING RIGHT NOW" real loudly. I say this as soon as I recognize it's a telemarketer, and I interrupt them if I have to, and then I don't let them interrupt me.

And I'm pulling the phone away from my mouthand back on the hook with the last two words so I can't hear them when I hang up.

 

[Cibo]

When my caller ID says Unavailable and I feel like joking around or if I'm mad...I pick up the phone...wait until they finally say hello and tell them to go to hell or another phrase like that and hang up. Makes me feel better.

 

[GuyJD]

There's a guy who was once on the Howard Stern Show who did an entire CD of such jokes and gimmicks with telemarketers.

He's pretended to be masturbating to the male telemarketers voice as the telemarketers spoke to him about the service that he was selling. The funny part was that the dumb ass never realized what was going on, even after the guy said, "You sound hot. What are you wearing?"

As another guy rembled on with his sales gimmick, the guy constantly belched on the phone. Finally, the telemarketer got pissed and began asking the guy how much more rude can he be. The guy's reply was, "About as rude as someone calling me at this fucking time and disturbing my fucking dinner. So if you want to call me now, you just have to put up with this since you're disturbing me during my private time."

As a personal trick, when a female telemarketer calls me, I flirt with them. (Unfortunately, I made the mistake of flirting with one who turned out to be an 18 year old.) When they complain about feeling uncomfortable with my flirting, I ask them "Then why did you call me?"

But my funniest one was when an AT&T telemarketer called to sell me their services, I asked the guy "Can you give me your number to call you back because I'm on long distance right now."
Just to hear his confused state made me break out in laughter.

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

Is it a bad thing that I have tried 95% of what has been mentioned in this thread?

 

[Harbinger]

Ask them if they would listen to your latest poem and give you an honest opinion. Make sure it's a really long one.

 

[Gilly Bean]

My two favorite ways include giving the phone to my 3 year old to talk with. He is a chatter. They are never still on the phone when I take it back.

The other is when they ask if I am home, I say Yes, I am. Then hang up. It's so nice of them to call and ask, don't ya think?

 

[wkdclwn]

Fun Fun Fun

I have got to print out this page and tape it by the phone. I love all of these. Also something that I have been doing since hearing it on a radio show is with junk mail. You get the credit card offer with the postage paid envelope and all. Just send it back empty. That way they have to pay for postage and they get junk mail back also. Sounded like fun to me so I still do it. Later.

 

[Gingersnap]

It must be my voice or something but telemarketers seem to ignore the polite "I am not interested". I have found several things stun them into silence. Barking loudly or telling them about the desperate case of diarrhea I contracted while eating sushi generally does the trick.

 

[brushstroke]

When BT started their call-back service, it seemed to take a few telemarketers a while to get the hang of how to block their number. I once checked and made a note of this guys number after he called, trying to sell me double-glazing. I called him back in the early hours, and asked the sleepy dude if he wanted to buy a second-hand car.

"Whaaaaat?"

"Would you like to buy my second-hand Ford Escort?... one carefull owner, very good condition...? Yes??..."

*click*
------------------------------------
Whenever I get these calls now, I usually say 'oh, just a moment, you need to speak to my father.' Then shout "DAAAAADDD...TELEPHONE!!!" and just leave them hanging forever. (my father died 16yrs ago)

And I still do that 'sending back the junkmail' thing.


Oh dear god, I've wasted my life

 

[LustyWench]

A local radio station used to play a tape that a guy marketed of his recording telemarketing calls he received at home. It was hilarious. One of my favorites was the one from the carpet cleaning company to which he replied: "great! can you come right away? there is blood everywhere, it is a big mess and I really need to get rid of it"

 

[AriaSilverfyre]

*rolls on the floor laughing her ass off* Those are all too good. I should try some of them. Here's an idea. When the company shows up on caller ID answer by saying "Domino's Pizza, how can I help you?" or something like that. I've done it to friends and got fun reactions.