❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[cookiecat]

We've talked about this before, haven't we? I don't think *I* could do it, but you've talked about being able to separate the feels from the kink, no?

It's more a matter of practicality. If I wait until I get the feels, love, intimate connection with someone, I might be waiting a long time. I'd rather have the experience of the thing - spanking, flogging, caning - than wait around until I'm in a relationship.

I'd prefer the relationship. I crave/need/desire the experience. So what's a girl to do?!

 

[AlwaysFara]

It's more a matter of practicality. If I wait until I get the feels, love, intimate connection with someone, I might be waiting a long time. I'd rather have the experience of the thing - spanking, flogging, caning - than wait around until I'm in a relationship.

I'd prefer the relationship. I crave/need/desire the experience. So what's a girl to do?!

I agree with this, now.

I once went 5 years without sex, because I was waiting for feels. I don’t know I would do that again, if the unlikely situation repeats.

 

[Tallcajun]

Fascinating discussion.
I can see all points made here.
I like the idea of a giver of maintenance spanking.
The ‘finding the release’ for someone.
But trust is a biggie in that type of exchange.

 

[cascadiabound]

Hello Cascadia,

The term ‘maintenance spanking’ is a great one. Seems that plenty here know just what you mean, although I’ve never had a single phrase for it - until now

Can I take it one stage further? I know there are specific moments when both D and S need this catharsis, but ‘maintenance’ implies something more regular to me. I’ve always liked the thought of a standing arrangement like ‘Every Monday morning at 10am, you will come to me in this room, and I will hurt you until you cry for me.’

Is it just me...?

I think that there are a lot of benefits to having *regular* care. Predictability is something that I find I crave.
Mainly - I think it is important to distinguish between sexy or sensual spanking that is entirely about foreplay vs. spanking that is about cartharsis for both parties - sometimes one partner needs that more than the other, but the doing of it creates that feedback loop between.

It is best for me to know that I can ask for this when I need it. And be able to trust that the vulnerability of asking for such a thing will be met.

There are times when I hurt so much inside that pain is the only thing that releases it for me, or at a minimum, momentarily distracts me. Unfortunately, these are most often the times where I also can't trust myself to stop. While I've never been spanked and not sure I would like it, the idea of having another person in control when I can't cope any longer appeals to me. Kind of like therapy. I might need that.

Indie - it is very much like therapy, imho.
and in terms of stopping when it is time... well, PYL's need to be able to and know when to safe word for both parties. It seems very possible to me to fall so deep into sub space that I am no longer able to safe word. That is when I have to trust my PYL to stop for me. For both of us.

Fascinating discussion.
I can see all points made here.
I like the idea of a giver of maintenance spanking.
The ‘finding the release’ for someone.
But trust is a biggie in that type of exchange.

Trust. Yes. absolutely necessary.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Surrogate dominants and/or varying degrees of polyamory or play partners other than life partners used to be a very common topic around here.

I wonder why it changed? I can see it being a good way to get introduced to the lifestyle, if one is curious and unattached.

 

[AlwaysFara]

*shrug*

The experienced posters that carried those conversations either aren't around or don't speak up about it anymore.

When I split from my ex I was going to look for just “service”. I even said I would pay for it.
I was completely shamed out of it. That I shouldn’t “have” to pay for it. I honestly just wanted to see what it was all about, and I wasn’t ready for emotions.
Never brought it up again.

Lol, well. Until just now.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Knee jerk response;

"well that's a shame"

*Cringe*

I have similar feelings about "having" to pay. On one hand it has value as a service, but on the other hand payment suggests that I don't. It would probably be impossible to convince me emotionally that I'm in any way desirable after an exchange of money.

In either direction oddly.

I don’t know. I didn’t do it, and then I fell in love with this Dommy dude that used to post here. So. All worked out in the end.

I was actually both hurt and humbled by my friends’ reactions, but it made me keep things like that closer to the vest in the future.

 

[LizVegas79]

Very much enjoyed catching up on the past two topics here!

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#38 (suggested)

Equality

Have you ever been apart of a relationship where one party gives unequally? What do you do when you are involved with a partner who doesn't put forth effort or meet your needs (after you've communicated them)? Have you been a part of a partnership that met your sexual needs but not your emotional needs or vice versa? This, of course, can happen in any average relationship but is it more imbalanced in a PYL/pyl dynamic??

 

[AlpineFresco]

#38 (suggested)

Equality

Have you ever been apart of a relationship where one party gives unequally? What do you do when you are involved with a partner who doesn't put forth effort or meet your needs (after you've communicated them)? Have you been a part of a partnership that met your sexual needs but not your emotional needs or vice versa? This, of course, can happen in any average relationship but is it more imbalanced in a PYL/pyl dynamic??

Ooh... equality is an interesting one. I've never felt anyone wasn't pulling their weight, but often the weight that can be pulled is different. Especially with finances - though this has yet to be an issue for me.

Sexually? I have long-distance partners (as in, someone needs to get on a plane), so my sexual needs... it's good, but it's nothing compared with in person. The solo 95% of the time? There's nothing physical, so... not met as I'd like.

Edit for the emotional side: initially I said I was happy, and taking the emotional side of my relationships in isolation I am, but given that so far sex and emotion are tied closely for me, the lack of fulfillment physically does lead to a lack of emotional fulfillment in that area too.

 

[LizVegas79]

#38 (suggested)

Equality

Have you ever been apart of a relationship where one party gives unequally? What do you do when you are involved with a partner who doesn't put forth effort or meet your needs (after you've communicated them)? Have you been a part of a partnership that met your sexual needs but not your emotional needs or vice versa? This, of course, can happen in any average relationship but is it more imbalanced in a PYL/pyl dynamic??

I have and it was not only very frustrating, it turned out to be very destructive (for me) because I kept trying to "fix" it.

It was a case where my sexual needs were not only met, they were wildly exceeded. But my emotional needs were virtually bankrupted. Very tough situation, especially because I was much younger than I am today and much more in-touch with my physical body and addicted to the pleasures of instant gratification than I was to my emotional body and her needs.

Looking back, I agree with a former therapist who suggested that because the genuine love and support I had become accustomed to from my mother and father and brother and extended family and friends, I had trouble rationalizing how someone I loved and (thought at least) loved me could be so emotionally AND SPIRITUALLY un-supportive. So, I kept trying, kept giving her another and another and another chance to give me what I really needed (besides orgasms lol).

Growing up is hard to do. And it still is, even though I'm almost 40. But it's a journey. A wonderful, exciting, thrilling journey IF we are honest about what we need with others, but most of all, with ourselves.

That's my two cents anyways. Looking forward to reading what others have to say.

 

[AveryElle]

#38 (suggested)

Equality

Have you ever been apart of a relationship where one party gives unequally? What do you do when you are involved with a partner who doesn't put forth effort or meet your needs (after you've communicated them)? Have you been a part of a partnership that met your sexual needs but not your emotional needs or vice versa? This, of course, can happen in any average relationship but is it more imbalanced in a PYL/pyl dynamic??

I think it's impossible to be completely equal in a relationship - people are wired differently and some are more needy than others, while some are better at interpreting that neediness than others. I have never felt that I was giving emotionally 'more' in any noticeable way. Now, pulling more weight - sure. I'm a woman married to a cis hetero man. I definitely pull more weight and it shows in my health and affection because I'm almost constantly exhausted (see: Pulpy's audiophile about 'women's mental load'). But that isn't the question here, I don't think.

My needs are simple, I'm fairly introverted and I don't at all consider myself needy so they are met and always have been. I've definitely been in a situation where my sexual needs were met but the emotional wasn't, and that is where I would be putting more effort in - "if the sex is amazing and I do whatever he wants, he'll actually like me". Turns out, that isn't really what happens!

On a regular basis, are my sexual needs met? Yes. Do I think my spouse's are? No, I don't. He's also much more emotionally needy than I am - reassurance, terms of affection, etc. I'm not like that at all. I'm also not cuddly, and he is. Which, for a top, is not my ideal. But I also know that his methods of communications aren't the status quo (ASD) and I accept that in terms of who he is.

For me, in long term cohabitation, it ebbs and flows. Sometimes we fuck every morning, sometimes we go weeks. We've gone a year+ because I had childbirth complications followed by pretty bad PPA, and I was touched out. I dont think any relationship is equal and "on" all of the time. I would find that exhausting. Probably part of why I don't enjoy the idea of an all encompassing lifestyle. I have different partners that fulfill different aspects of my sexual personality at any given time, which makes my overall sexual, and in some cases emotional, needs met.

And I have no idea if that answers your question of the week!

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#38 (suggested)

Equality

Have you ever been apart of a relationship where one party gives unequally? What do you do when you are involved with a partner who doesn't put forth effort or meet your needs (after you've communicated them)? Have you been a part of a partnership that met your sexual needs but not your emotional needs or vice versa? This, of course, can happen in any average relationship but is it more imbalanced in a PYL/pyl dynamic??

I agree with Avery I don't think any relationship can be really equal but I think we carry the burden when one of us needs to be strong for the other. However, I think the kind of equality being asked about here is more of an interest/effort equality.

I would say that almost exclusively mine have been unequal. I am usually the giver though not always (I can acknowledge that). I am very, very careful about whom I let close to my heart and I need to feel that reciprocated. I don't need love or communication or whatever reciprocated in my way but in theirs. I can appreciate that we express emotions differently but I need them to be clear. If I feel like someone is withdrawing from that, I can't help but brick up and shut down. (I feel like I could go into a lot of detail here but I won't bore you.)

What do I do when my partner doesn't meet my needs after being asked? I used to give endless second chances, because I would want someone to be merciful with me when I fuck up. But as I've gotten older and less naive, I've realized how many people take advantage of forgiveness. So my tolerance for lack of trying is very small. It's impossible to give and not feel resentful when you're not being given back to (or an excuse as to why that person is preoccupied). Writing all this makes me sound like I have crazy unrealistic expectations which I really don't.

I think most of my "real" relationships have met emotional but not sexual needs and the overwhelming majority of my online relationships have met sexual but not emotional needs. I'm trying to find that perfect balance. *fingers crossed* I do think in a D/s type relationship those imbalances can feel much more accentuated. Especially, when emotions themselves are used as tools for play.

I have no right answers here. I think just being open. Being able to nakedly state what you need and having a partner who can listen is the only way. Also by being a good partner to your person. It's not all take but a lot of giving.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

So... a few of you sent me question suggestions and I lost them in an inbox sweep.

I'm so sorry! I'm usually more organized than this but if you remember your questions (or have some new ones) please PM me?

My apologies

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

#38 (suggested)

Equality

Have you ever been apart of a relationship where one party gives unequally? What do you do when you are involved with a partner who doesn't put forth effort or meet your needs (after you've communicated them)? Have you been a part of a partnership that met your sexual needs but not your emotional needs or vice versa? This, of course, can happen in any average relationship but is it more imbalanced in a PYL/pyl dynamic??

Looking at this from the online perspective. I have had / have a couple of online relationships here. Mostly I discuss life. Every once in a while I encounter someone who wants an online sexual relationship. Essentially that means exchanging PMs. Typically we agree on boundaries, language and that sort of thing first. More than once I have started down that road to find that the exchanges go like this:

ME: write 3-400 words of pure lust

Her: Oh yeah Baby.

Me: writes another 400 or so words, even more explicit.

Her: Yeah, that's the stuff.

Me: writes 600 words of pure heat. I pull out all the stops and hit the agreed limits. I'm no Stephen King, but he can't write sex anyway.

Her: Cool

Me: Doesn't write for two days

Her: Where did you go?

With a couple of notable exceptions D) I get more out of seemingly mundane conversations with Litsters than "sex talk". There's a lot of fulfillment there. As for the exceptions: you rock. You understand "play", and that is very satisfying.

SO, FWIW, some free advice: If you decide to cyber with someone, make sure you know that it is a two-way street and be ready to participate

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Looking at this from the online perspective. I have had / have a couple of online relationships here. Mostly I discuss life. Every once in a while I encounter someone who wants an online sexual relationship. Essentially that means exchanging PMs. Typically we agree on boundaries, language and that sort of thing first. More than once I have started down that road to find that the exchanges go like this:

ME: write 3-400 words of pure lust

Her: Oh yeah Baby.

Me: writes another 400 or so words, even more explicit.

Her: Yeah, that's the stuff.

Me: writes 600 words of pure heat. I pull out all the stops and hit the agreed limits. I'm no Stephen King, but he can't write sex anyway.

Her: Cool

Me: Doesn't write for two days

Her: Where did you go?

With a couple of notable exceptions D) I get more out of seemingly mundane conversations with Litsters than "sex talk". There's a lot of fulfillment there. As for the exceptions: you rock. You understand "play", and that is very satisfying.

SO, FWIW, some free advice: If you decide to cyber with someone, make sure you know that it is a two-way street and be ready to participate

Oh, Tan, that is horrible and hilarious at the same time.

I'm dying of curiosity to know what on earth you said that took 3-400 words in your first message??

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#39

#38 (submitted with additions)

Sexting/Cybering

Let's talk about BDSM via cyber/sexting? Is there a word for this action that you prefer? Sexually explicit conversations come with the Lit territory - so let's discuss the nitty gritty.
*Do you enjoy textual relations? Why or why not?
*Do you like role play scenarios or just informal descriptions?
*How would you describe your style? Does it change depending on your partner? Are you a lengthy and languorous writer, fast and furious? Are you flexible to styles and topics?
*Does poor spelling or grammar hinder your enjoyment?
*Do you self stimulate while texting?
*Can the BDSM attitude be conveyed with just words?

 

[cookiecat]

re: cyber stuff

I got a new phone. It hasn't picked up my way of talking/texting yet so in a fun little exchange, tongue turned out as fungus, hole was bike and clit was clot.

It was more funny than hot.

More on the specific question, later.

 

[Bramblethorn]

ME: write 3-400 words of pure lust

Her: Oh yeah Baby.

Me: writes another 400 or so words, even more explicit.

Her: Yeah, that's the stuff.

Me: writes 600 words of pure heat. I pull out all the stops and hit the agreed limits. I'm no Stephen King, but he can't write sex anyway.

Her: Cool

This reminds me of that style of music where one person is singing something beautiful and complicated, and the other is just adding "uh uh yeah" every few bars.

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

Oh, Tan, that is horrible and hilarious at the same time.

I'm dying of curiosity to know what on earth you said that took 3-400 words in your first message??

This reminds me of that style of music where one person is singing something beautiful and complicated, and the other is just adding "uh uh yeah" every few bars.

Yeah, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Good analogy Bramble.

I don't want to hijack this thread with my Smitty musings, but I like to think it was part Lady Chatterly's Lover, part Dear Penthouse. Raunchy, but literate. I deleted the PMs in question anyway.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Yeah, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Good analogy Bramble.

I don't want to hijack this thread with my Smitty musings, but I like to think it was part Lady Chatterly's Lover, part Dear Penthouse. Raunchy, but literate. I deleted the PMs in question anyway.

I still remember one of the first Dear Penthouse letters i ever read. Damn.

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

re: cyber stuff

I got a new phone. It hasn't picked up my way of talking/texting yet so in a fun little exchange, tongue turned out as fungus, hole was bike and clit was clot.

It was more funny than hot.

More on the specific question, later.

My stupid new phone just changed "smutty" to "Smitty" above. Tits to fits, dick to duck, and on and on.

I think Android is a prude. Microsoft is ok with my filthy mind...

 

[Blase]

Sexting/Cybering

Let's talk about BDSM via cyber/sexting? Is there a word for this action that you prefer? Sexually explicit conversations come with the Lit territory - so let's discuss the nitty gritty.
*Do you enjoy textual relations? Why or why not?

I do if my partner and I are well matched, in terms of fluency with the language and D/s style.

*Do you like role play scenarios or just informal descriptions?

I don't really do roleplay when chatting live. I *will* do D/s. That is, I'll give instructions for my partner to follow. I may interweave a few fantasy elements as things go along, just to help her* visualization, but I'm not really pretending that we're anything besides two people at their computers (or phones) acting within a D/s context.

*How would you describe your style? Does it change depending on your partner? Are you a lengthy and languorous writer, fast and furious? Are you flexible to styles and topics?

I like to be take my time when I meet someone and we're just chatting, getting to know each other. When it comes to actual cyber sex, I tend to start out on the slow side (I once had a girl complain that I was teasing her when I thought what I was doing was simply foreplay), then pick up the pace as things approach their, you know, climax...

Now, if you're talking about assignments meant to be done later, there can be a lot of variety, depending on the interests and experience of the submissive involved.

*Does poor spelling or grammar hinder your enjoyment?]

Yes. I'm unlikely to even contact someone who does not express him or herself clearly and well.

*Can the BDSM attitude be conveyed with just words?

Yes. It carries the same challenges as conveying anything else via the written word, but it can be done.


*I don't top guys, just women or couples.

 

[AlwaysFara]

#38 (submitted with additions)

Sexting/Cybering

Let's talk about BDSM via cyber/sexting? Is there a word for this action that you prefer? Sexually explicit conversations come with the Lit territory - so let's discuss the nitty gritty.
*Do you enjoy textual relations? Why or why not?
*Do you like role play scenarios or just informal descriptions?
*How would you describe your style? Does it change depending on your partner? Are you a lengthy and languorous writer, fast and furious? Are you flexible to styles and topics?
*Does poor spelling or grammar hinder your enjoyment?
*Do you self stimulate while texting?
*Can the BDSM attitude be conveyed with just words?

I used to enjoy textual relationships much more than I do now. I love words and word play, but words run out. Touch is how I love best.

I don’t like role play, except in the rare occasions where it just pops up, organically. I’m me. I’m feeling the feels. I want me to be me and you to be you. For me, role play separates me. On text, we are already compromised, let’s not take it further away from the real deal by not even being ourselves.

I like descriptive writing, but as it gets hotter I tend to text the first thing that pops into my mind, which is usually some sort of F word, and proclaiming to a god I don’t believe in.

Poor writing and grammar is a turn off, unless he’s in the throes. Then anything goes, pretty much. I will say grammar and non text speak as sexy as fuck. Just sayin’.

I do self stim. My phone can get messy. I often find a wayward pube, after. Yep. It usually doesn’t take me long to get there, either, so, very little stim. Words are hot, and I can get wet and swollen on only words.

Yes, BDSM can be conveyed. “Cum now. Come here. Mine.” Taking orders. Gahhh.
Fuck, how can that not translate?

 

[cookiecat]

#38 (submitted with additions)

Sexting/Cybering

Let's talk about BDSM via cyber/sexting? Is there a word for this action that you prefer? Sexually explicit conversations come with the Lit territory - so let's discuss the nitty gritty.
*Do you enjoy textual relations? Why or why not?
*Do you like role play scenarios or just informal descriptions?
*How would you describe your style? Does it change depending on your partner? Are you a lengthy and languorous writer, fast and furious? Are you flexible to styles and topics?
*Does poor spelling or grammar hinder your enjoyment?
*Do you self stimulate while texting?
*Can the BDSM attitude be conveyed with just words?

In a relationship, I like texting/sexting fun flirty dirty messages throughout the day as a way to stay connected.

When not in a relationship, like now, I find it maddening to use something like skype or kik with one person. Maybe I haven't found the right person? It's fun once in a while but suddenly I have this person messaging me and I'm not really in the mood. Or I am and he's not. It feels like an intrusion on my time when we're not on the same page.

No go to role playing or performing tasks. I want to talk about stuff that would really happen to us, not pretend I'm a naughty nurse or you're a prison warden. I am not a picture person, either. I don't even want YOUR picture if we're chatting. I'd rather leave it all in my head. It surprises me the number of people who want to be seen. It reinforces that guys are visual, for sure. I'd rather read your words, know what's going on in your head.

The words, though, have to be words that push my buttons. "I want to pound your pussy with my fat seven inches" doesn't work. I'm not always 100% sure what those words are but when the conversation is more organic, more like we're actually talking to each other, it works better.

There's a site I go to that has a chat function (not here) - I like it because when I go, I'm horny, I have time. I also hate it because it's such a cliche and it can be mind numbing. Finding that one conversation that pushes MY buttons is hard and often times I leave frustrated.

I think because I've had real time bdsm, I've had the things I still fantasize about, it's hard for me to go back to text/sexting. I crave the touch, the sting, his hands on me. I remember when I first started and I would take orders - like get a wooden spoon and spank my pussy. I'd do it. It was exciting! Now if someone asks me to do that, I just roll my eyes. I kind of miss the shiny new feelings.

Right now, though, using online chat or texting is a good way to keep from getting all dried up.