Let's Talk About 'Gentle' FemDom

[LeaHaven]

If you don’t mind me saying so, you sound young. Best friends can make the best partners, because 99% of relationships isn’t the stuff going on here, it’s the stuff going on when you are just busy trying to keep your head above water and want someone to rely on to keep you going.

Also, stop thinking about other people in your marriage, for both good and bad. If the marriage is making you happy, then your parents should be happy. If the marriage is unhappy, why does it matter if the parents are happy? Either way, you’re parents aren’t married to your partner, you are.



Yeah, so that’s a real problem. I’d suggest being open and talking with him about it, the same for him. Without communication in bdsm/power exchange play, there is a real chance that a simple misunderstanding will lead a serious issue. Actually, ignore the bdsm part, this is just true in general.

If you don't mind me saying so, your mansplaining makes you sound old.

 

[Yarglenurp]

If you don't mind me saying so, your mansplaining makes you sound old.

lol, alright, alright. i wish you good luck!

 

[LeaHaven]

lol, alright, alright. i wish you good luck!

I didn't expect that response. Thank you.

 

[whenagain]

I could see that. The early days of my journey were pretty confusing.

 

[LeaHaven]

I could see that. The early days of my journey were pretty confusing.

What was your journey? There's nothing in your profile

 

[whenagain]

What was your journey? There's nothing in your profile

Yeah, that’s intentional.

Figuring out I’m a sub but don’t want it all the time. . . Stuff like that.

 

[LeaHaven]

Yeah, that’s intentional.

Figuring out I’m a sub but don’t want it all the time. . . Stuff like that.

Why do so many guys put nothing in their profile? And then they send you a message that says, "Hello." Even Tinder has more information than that

 

[Yarglenurp]

Yeah, that’s intentional.

Figuring out I’m a sub but don’t want it all the time. . . Stuff like that.

yeah, there’s not many people who want to be anything all the time. I think the problem is that too many people get exposed to bdsm from porn, instead of IRL, so they see the “lifestyle” option as the default.

Someone should really tell them that being a sub doesn’t have to be their whole personality, any more than liking popcorn or having a preference for cargo shorts.

 

[LeaHaven]

If you don’t mind me saying so, you sound young. Best friends can make the best partners, because 99% of relationships isn’t the stuff going on here, it’s the stuff going on when you are just busy trying to keep your head above water and want someone to rely on to keep you going.

Also, stop thinking about other people in your marriage, for both good and bad. If the marriage is making you happy, then your parents should be happy. If the marriage is unhappy, why does it matter if the parents are happy? Either way, you’re parents aren’t married to your partner, you are.



Yeah, so that’s a real problem. I’d suggest being open and talking with him about it, the same for him. Without communication in bdsm/power exchange play, there is a real chance that a simple misunderstanding will lead a serious issue. Actually, ignore the bdsm part, this is just true in general.

Now that I have cooled off, I have read your comments with a clear head. I agree with what you said about my parents and how things should be, but I have to conduct my life based on what is, not what should be. They should be happy for me, but they are not. Their emotional response, no matter how irrational, affects my life whether I like it or not, and ignoring that will not make it better and it will not make it go away.

I know my husband and I should communicate more openly about sex, but we were raised to believe that sex is bad and shameful. It is a programming that is hard to overcome. I am doing better at it, but my husband finds it difficult to admit to wanting to be "submissive?" I put a question mark because exactly what he wants is still unclear to me. I can't strike up a conversation about it, bc he would push it away. It does not work.

I apologize for getting bitchy yesterday. When you said "If you don't mind me saying so, you sound young," it reads, "If you don't mind me saying so, you sound stupid." I am young compared to most people in these forums, but I am not stupid. I don't know why, but my age makes me a target of condescension in these forums. It gets really annoying.

Thank you for your comments.

 

[NancyPan]

Now that I have cooled off, I have read your comments with a clear head. I agree with what you said about my parents and how things should be, but I have to conduct my life based on what is, not what should be. They should be happy for me, but they are not. Their emotional response, no matter how irrational, affects my life whether I like it or not, and ignoring that will not make it better and it will not make it go away.

I know my husband and I should communicate more openly about sex, but we were raised to believe that sex is bad and shameful. It is a programming that is hard to overcome. I am doing better at it, but my husband finds it difficult to admit to wanting to be "submissive?" I put a question mark because exactly what he wants is still unclear to me. I can't strike up a conversation about it, bc he would push it away. It does not work.

I apologize for getting bitchy yesterday. When you said "If you don't mind me saying so, you sound young," it reads, "If you don't mind me saying so, you sound stupid." I am young compared to most people in these forums, but I am not stupid. I don't know why, but my age makes me a target of condescension in these forums. It gets really annoying.

Thank you for your comments.

I will admit that I am old (relatively speaking). My wife and I have been together since late teenage and we are great friends, companions, and lovers. It has taken years for us to negotiate what we now have, our FLR, my level of submission to her, and it has taken a lot of talks, honesty, and experimentation, and even a good deal of tears and misunderstanding at times. But, we are much closer and happier for having done the work! There is no shame in getting older, nor in starting out!

 

[Purple_Fronds]

Now that I have cooled off, I have read your comments with a clear head. I agree with what you said about my parents and how things should be, but I have to conduct my life based on what is, not what should be. They should be happy for me, but they are not. Their emotional response, no matter how irrational, affects my life whether I like it or not, and ignoring that will not make it better and it will not make it go away.

I know my husband and I should communicate more openly about sex, but we were raised to believe that sex is bad and shameful. It is a programming that is hard to overcome. I am doing better at it, but my husband finds it difficult to admit to wanting to be "submissive?" I put a question mark because exactly what he wants is still unclear to me. I can't strike up a conversation about it, bc he would push it away. It does not work.

I apologize for getting bitchy yesterday. When you said "If you don't mind me saying so, you sound young," it reads, "If you don't mind me saying so, you sound stupid." I am young compared to most people in these forums, but I am not stupid. I don't know why, but my age makes me a target of condescension in these forums. It gets really annoying.

Thank you for your comments.

Just read some of your posts and I admire how much you’re trying to figure these things out with your husband.

You are going to get a lot of advice and I’m sure you’ll be able to determine how useful it is.

Here are some of my thoughts, for what it’s worth.

Communication is always the toughest thing to do, it’s amazing how we can be so intimate with our love one, but can’t bring ourselves to admit what we like, what we’d like to explore or even what gets us excited. There’s still a ton of embarrassment associated with people knowing the details of our sexuality.

I would highly recommend a couples therapist that specializes in sexual issues, seeking one that is kink friendly, phycology today has a good list if you’re in the u.s. I realize this might be expensive but I think you’ll get a lot out of it.

In reading your posts and profile a few things stand out that I want to highlight. Firstly your sole focus seems to in figuring out purely what will excite your husband, it’s unclear what good sex feels like to you, or what you want. In my opinion couples should always be looking to connect with each other, but you also need to be clear with what you want, you deserve to have the same attention and effort put into your sexual enjoyment, not just in service to your husband.

Secondly, I’ve personally been into BDSM to different extents all of my sexual life, and i could talk about different aspects for hours. However, it is a very big domain area that has a number of extremes that people should be aware of. This is why communication is so important, there are numerous times where I have to warn submissives to be careful what they wish for. The same applies to loving partners that try to dominate, but it seems like it’s never enough for their partner and they generally feel shitty about themselves.

I’m lucky to have had some amazing sexual experiences in my life, but I treasure the vanilla times where we’ve both had just amazing sexual chemistry and just fucked, just as much as taking a beautiful woman over my lap and administering a wonderful harsh spanking that made her drip down the inside of her legs.

I hope this is helpful and I’m happy to discuss further if it would help, so PM if you like, I don’t check every day so response might take a few days.

 

[subdudeme13]

My sister introduced me to it when I was not yet a teenager. I still dream of being caught in the web of Spider Lady. Her bite would paralyze me!

 

[Lucien_Al]

Welcome - shall we begin?

I have a few questions, but it would be great if the gentlemen chiming in here could give us just the tiniest bit of an intro by way of including their age and how they became interested in FemDom (gentle or otherwise). Thank you!

**How do you see 'Gentle' FemDom being different from the more traditional type of feminine domination?

**Why is it appealing?

**What does a 'gentle' Domme look like to you? How does she behave?

**What do you look for in a GFD relationship? What do you hope to get out of it?

**How do you see it fitting into your life - bedroom only, or lifestyle?

I am not 100% up to speed with the correct terminology but to my mind we do practice gentle femdom.

Typically we will have a session in our sex room periodically where she is 100% in charge. She will mostly restrain me to the bed, blindfold me, and tease me, some light spanking, couple of strokes of a light whip, sit on my face, hold a pair of her dirty panties to my face while she teases me with her feathers and most importantly keep me from cumming for a few hours and occasionally she will use a glass dildo on me too.

From my perspective I absolutely love her taking charge and then taking it in the direction she wants. She may ride me until she comes or alternately she will make me watch her pleasure herself with her dildo and vibe and make me watch but still restrained. There is nothing that makes me more aroused and the precum just drips from me.

I work in a highly pressurised industry so love the fact that for those few hours I do not have any control or need to think.

She does not enjoy being dominated in the bedroom at all, and is generally a very subservient person who likes to please and this allows her to do something different too.

 

[LeaHaven]

Just read some of your posts and I admire how much you’re trying to figure these things out with your husband.

You are going to get a lot of advice and I’m sure you’ll be able to determine how useful it is.

Here are some of my thoughts, for what it’s worth.

Communication is always the toughest thing to do, it’s amazing how we can be so intimate with our love one, but can’t bring ourselves to admit what we like, what we’d like to explore or even what gets us excited. There’s still a ton of embarrassment associated with people knowing the details of our sexuality.

I would highly recommend a couples therapist that specializes in sexual issues, seeking one that is kink friendly, phycology today has a good list if you’re in the u.s. I realize this might be expensive but I think you’ll get a lot out of it.

In reading your posts and profile a few things stand out that I want to highlight. Firstly your sole focus seems to in figuring out purely what will excite your husband, it’s unclear what good sex feels like to you, or what you want. In my opinion couples should always be looking to connect with each other, but you also need to be clear with what you want, you deserve to have the same attention and effort put into your sexual enjoyment, not just in service to your husband.

Secondly, I’ve personally been into BDSM to different extents all of my sexual life, and i could talk about different aspects for hours. However, it is a very big domain area that has a number of extremes that people should be aware of. This is why communication is so important, there are numerous times where I have to warn submissives to be careful what they wish for. The same applies to loving partners that try to dominate, but it seems like it’s never enough for their partner and they generally feel shitty about themselves.

I’m lucky to have had some amazing sexual experiences in my life, but I treasure the vanilla times where we’ve both had just amazing sexual chemistry and just fucked, just as much as taking a beautiful woman over my lap and administering a wonderful harsh spanking that made her drip down the inside of her legs.

I hope this is helpful and I’m happy to discuss further if it would help, so PM if you like, I don’t check every day so response might take a few days.

Gosh, there is no chance that my husband would talk with a therapist about our sex life, but I don't know if it is necessary. We have made a lot of progress, and as long as I am willing to be the one to show the way, I am hopeful that we will find what works for us. Maybe we already have.

You are right about me not knowing what feels good to me. I was a virgin when we got married. I am not experienced in this kind of thing. But I will look after myself. I like to give, but I like to receive too. I am taking what I can get for now. We will see what the future holds.

Thank you for your comments.

 

[SPARTAN047]

I don't mind rough and humiliating femdom, but gentle femdom tells me she still cares and isn't using me. Like aftercare.

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

Hi Haven,

Your dynamic reminds me a lot of my situation, except I'm a guy and there is no power play - at least sexually.

For context, I married young and virgin, from a repressed culture, and I have always been the defacto "head of the house" and all decisions - initially due to cultural tradition but now due to a lack of capability.

If you should ever want an opinion, vent, or whatever else floats your boat - feel free to reach out. The frustration I perceive in your words resonates with me.

Cheers.

 

[LeaHaven]

Hi Haven,

Your dynamic reminds me a lot of my situation, except I'm a guy and there is no power play - at least sexually.

For context, I married young and virgin, from a repressed culture, and I have always been the defacto "head of the house" and all decisions - initially due to cultural tradition but now due to a lack of capability.

If you should ever want an opinion, vent, or whatever else floats your boat - feel free to reach out. The frustration I perceive in your words resonates with me.

Cheers.

Are you talking to me? If you are, thank you. But my frustration is not nearly as bad as it used to be. I read these forums and if I read something that sounds like it fits us, I try it. I don't worry anymore that he might not like it. He has told me so many times that he wants me to be the boss, so I have become the boss (in the bedroom. I was already the boss in everything else.) Ima selfish boss, tbh. It has been going well so far. I like being the boss. (or should I say "boss-boss"? "Top boss"? since I'm now boss in everything?)

 

[Yarglenurp]

Are you talking to me? If you are, thank you. But my frustration is not nearly as bad as it used to be. I read these forums and if I read something that sounds like it fits us, I try it. I don't worry anymore that he might not like it. He has told me so many times that he wants me to be the boss, so I have become the boss (in the bedroom. I was already the boss in everything else.) Ima selfish boss, tbh. It has been going well so far. I like being the boss. (or should I say "boss-boss"? "Top boss"? since I'm now boss in everything?)

Empress of the Western Star, Conqueror of the Great Pillar, Overboss of the Great Sea, Her Royal Majesty LeaHaven the First

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

Are you talking to me? If you are, thank you. But my frustration is not nearly as bad as it used to be. I read these forums and if I read something that sounds like it fits us, I try it. I don't worry anymore that he might not like it. He has told me so many times that he wants me to be the boss, so I have become the boss (in the bedroom. I was already the boss in everything else.) Ima selfish boss, tbh. It has been going well so far. I like being the boss. (or should I say "boss-boss"? "Top boss"? since I'm now boss in everything?)

Yes, I used Haven as I noticed you'd wanted to use that name, but it was taken.

I'm glad for you that your frustration has receded!

I wouldn't feel bad about being "selfish." If both parties are copacetic to what's going on, it's a win-win.

Just start calling yourself the top and him the bottom.

 

[subdudeme13]

Are you talking to me? If you are, thank you. But my frustration is not nearly as bad as it used to be. I read these forums and if I read something that sounds like it fits us, I try it. I don't worry anymore that he might not like it. He has told me so many times that he wants me to be the boss, so I have become the boss (in the bedroom. I was already the boss in everything else.) Ima selfish boss, tbh. It has been going well so far. I like being the boss. (or should I say "boss-boss"? "Top boss"? since I'm now boss in everything?)

I am curious about what you might have told him.

 

[LeaHaven]

I am curious about what you might have told him.

what do you mean? Tell him about what?

 

[subdudeme13]

About what you want, your desires, feelings and the connection you feel. It is not just what you do but how it makes you feel doing it. For me, submitting is a lot about your pleasure and fulfillment. I like being pushed.

 

[LeaHaven]

About what you want, your desires, feelings and the connection you feel. It is not just what you do but how it makes you feel doing it. For me, submitting is a lot about your pleasure and fulfillment. I like being pushed.

We do not talk about sex

 

[emme8]

We do not talk about sex

That makes getting what you want kinda hard. Unless you just take it.

Are you shy? Or can you put him on his knees. Inches away from your pussy and "make" him talk.

I personally can't do that. Hubby learns what I want by reading what I have posted. I try to talk, but I can't find the words.

That and being ADHD, I can't finish a
HEY squirrel!.

 

[subdudeme13]

We do not talk about sex

I guess I picked up on that somehow. It can be difficult but I think it really improves a relationship. Maybe you can start reading stories on this site together. Start with "normal" ones than branch out.