Perplexity of a Novice Dom

[t_h_seacrest]

On one end it is quite exciting when recieving a report that an instruction was obeyed and arousal is high; or noting a need to think of a punishment. Never in a million years would I have imagined doing something like this. Was not planning or looking; just started happening via messages.

On the other hand, sometimes it feels it can be very draining of energies. Or notice I've not been writing or working on music, etc.

Might this be an indicator that I might not be built for this or is it a common experience for novices? Just another something to learn to manage, incorporate into one's already functioning life?

 

[DeusSexErotica]

So…there’s no hard and fast rules for what makes a good dom. Your energy level from it might be the same you’d feel from any other social situation where demands are placed on you.

The biggest thing to remember is that in most Dom/Sub dynamics, the sub is actually the one in charge. They’re setting the boundaries you’re working inside, they’re exposing themselves to your ”punishments” because they want them. You’re giving your sub a thing they’ve negotiated for themselves with you, so its their needs that are the primary driver of the bus.

In my experience (I dom my partner and have extensive experience with other subs), if you aren‘t doing it from a place of genuine affection for the sub on a human level, and also because their need for punishment matches either your need to punish, or a need to gratify, then the whole process won’t be rewarding for either of you.

If those 2-3 things are true for you, you’re probably cut out for it, you’re just tired lol.

Good luck!

 

[t_h_seacrest]

So…there’s no hard and fast rules for what makes a good dom. Your energy level from it might be the same you’d feel from any other social situation where demands are placed on you.

The biggest thing to remember is that in most Dom/Sub dynamics, the sub is actually the one in charge. They’re setting the boundaries you’re working inside, they’re exposing themselves to your ”punishments” because they want them. You’re giving your sub a thing they’ve negotiated for themselves with you, so its their needs that are the primary driver of the bus.

In my experience (I dom my partner and have extensive experience with other subs), if you aren‘t doing it from a place of genuine affection for the sub on a human level, and also because their need for punishment matches either your need to punish, or a need to gratify, then the whole process won’t be rewarding for either of you.

If those 2-3 things are true for you, you’re probably cut out for it, you’re just tired lol.

Good luck!

Wow. I appreciate this.
Sometimes I really get into it and other times I feel totally lost. Often ask why the hell am I doing this. The subs are submissive men and sissies, and I'm not into guys. I get the feeling these are so turned on by being sexually submissive that it doesn't matter what's between the dom's legs. And I mentioned in a thread here on Lit that I'd gotten my first taste of dominating a sissy on another blogging platform, and all of a sudden I feel like I've been thrust into a forced-crash-course dom school.

My approach so far (and I suspect if this continues it will be a solid guidepost) is to make it clear as possible as early as possible that I've no intent to cause any actual harm. From there move to the assumption that someone else is giving me permission to push at buttons. This one doesn't want to go in the direction of cuckold fantasies, but this other does. Okay, let's see what we can do with this. Try this, try that, gauge the next turn by the sentiment in the replies.

The word Overwhelming just came to me. That might be part of it.

The emotional dynamic goes all the way to power-trip heights of intoxication and all the way down to a fully flummoxed 'how the fuck did I end up doing this?'

 

[DeusSexErotica]

The emotional dynamic goes all the way to power-trip heights of intoxication and all the way down to a fully flummoxed 'how the fuck did I end up doing this?'

So I’d examine your motives in being a Dom. Domination and submission isn’t always about sexual gratification for either participant, but it is about gratification. If you’re not feeling fulfilled from the power exchange in a way that does something for you, and you can’t find a way to get some form of fulfillment from it that exceeds the mental and emotional labor of it (most people find it hard to hurt, demean, degrade, or overtly control another adult, even if it turns them on or stimulates them in some way) why do it?

Specifically, why are you doing it? If you can’t answer that, you don’t necessarily need to stop, but you should maybe examine it.

 

[t_h_seacrest]

Specifically, why are you doing it?

I am awarding the Best Answer.
Great question for a marathon contemplation.

 

[Lady2020]

Sounds like you have calendar issues.

 

[magic_rat]

So I’d examine your motives in being a Dom. Domination and submission isn’t always about sexual gratification for either participant, but it is about gratification. If you’re not feeling fulfilled from the power exchange in a way that does something for you, and you can’t find a way to get some form of fulfillment from it that exceeds the mental and emotional labor of it (most people find it hard to hurt, demean, degrade, or overtly control another adult, even if it turns them on or stimulates them in some way) why do it?

Specifically, why are you doing it? If you can’t answer that, you don’t necessarily need to stop, but you should maybe examine it.

You talk total sense. I'm fairly new to domming (I have a new partner who is a bratty sub pain bunny) and my initial motivation and enjoyment comes from giving her what she needs. I've learned her hard and soft limits and love to work within them. I get a thrill, if you like, out of giving her a thrill, and love the aftercare as much as the punishment.

I'm still learning and always will. We have twice introduced more experienced doms into the mix to extend my skills and im soon meeting a domme with a view to exploring my own sub side, and more importantly, I want to know what my partner is experiencing; I feel that if I've received what I'm administering, it will give me a greater understanding and make me a better dom.

 

[LittleSwitchy]

For those newish to the lifestyle. There’s a few reads I suggest you look into.
1 SM101
2 Screw the roses give me the thorns
3 look online for a guy by the name
Jay Wiseman
He has covered MANY topics in lifestyle. He gets very in depth.

 

[IrisAlthea]

On the other hand, sometimes it feels it can be very draining of energies. Or notice I've not been writing or working on music, etc.

I’m just going to quote myself from another thread, because I’m lazy like that and because I think the discussion in the thread might be useful.

I think it is untenable to expect that of someone, in the long run. Being dominant can’t be like being an entertainment host on a cruise ship 24/7.
I mean, either they would end up with burn out or the sub would kill them and quietly bury them in the basement.

 

[cascadiabound]

I think that the point about the D/ caring about the /s as a PERSON - not just an object of sexual or other gratification is important. Otherwise it is just a job that you are having to do and then you might as well be a paid sex worker. (not to dis sex workers at all - just noting the different motivations)

Operating on the D/ side IS work - much like being the dungeonmaster in D&D who has to create a scene and options and guide the other players through a session that hopefully is enjoyable for all parties. While I am not a D/ - I really respect and value the effort it requires for my partner to interact with me in this context - he has to think through how his words and actions might effect me, be sure that he is not exceeding my boundaries and our agreed upon limits, keep me safe when I am in a headspace that makes it difficult/impossible to preserve my own safety and judgment and recognize when aftercare is needed and provide that too. If you are not feeling gratified by the experience of being a D/ (not just aroused, but you come away from a session feeling that you have had some essential needs met, that you are not operating at an unacceptable deficit of energy/time etc), then why do it? I have heard some D/ complain that /s expect them to be a vending machine of activities, punishments, a human dildo, @IrisAlthea "an entertainment host on a cruise ship 24/7" - obviously, that is not at all sustainable and requires a re-evaluation of the interactions.

A question to consider for the OP - what do you hope/ expect to get out of domming these men? Are they just fantasy tools for you or do you want to have a relationship beyond bossing them around and knowing they are doing it? Are you providing aftercare? are you helping them to be the people they want to be (not just in bed) in their lives. You do not need to answer this here - but consider it carefully for yourself. Motivations matter.

I have suggested in the past that you go and read threads and other resources to help you figure this out. The books referenced above by @LittleSwitchy are excellent and if you have not read the sticky at the top of this forum by StellaOmega at least three times over, go do that now too. There are other resources worth reading in the BDSM library at the top of the thread, even though it is old, not comprehensive and has not been maintained. I recommend that you go slow. Good luck.