Soft dom vs. gentle dom vs. vanilla who takes control

[learninggirl]

I've searched to see if this is discussed...apologies if I missed something. Lately have seen "soft dom" mentioned, which I hadn't heard before. What does it mean? I understand that labels aren't required, but they might be helpful for me to initially express what I need without having to go into a long explanation.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to ask for. A gentle and nurturing guy who is in control and sometimes will take me forcefully is the general gist. There is a lot to learn about what I need. Should he be older or a "daddy?" Not necessarily?*
Anyway, some definitions would help. I appreciate any thoughts!

* ETA: this question is for myself. I don't know if I need either.

 

[EvaLane]

Hi! I'm no expert, but I figured l'd share my thoughts, and maybe someone more experienced can jump in and let us know if we're on the right track (the blind leading the blind )

To me, a soft Dom is someone who not only can but actively desires to provide structure, accountability, and a safe environment that nurtures their submissive's growth. Their approach is patient and encouraging, focusing more on emotional control and psychological dominance rather than the bells and whistles often associated with mainstream BDSM.

I actually think labels like this can be useful -they give an initial insight into whether someone has taken the time to truly understand themselves. In my experience, if they haven't done that, they likely won't have the time or energy to invest in a real, functioning dynamic.

That said, the term soft Dom can mean different things to different people. One might define themselves as a Dom who isn't interested in inflicting physical pain at all, while another could still engage in CNC play but with a gentler, more emotionally attuned approach.

For me, I think that’s the most crucial aspect and difference - He needs to really know my emotional capabilities and be able to manipulate and honour them at the same time.

Should he be older or a "daddy?" Not necessarily?

No, it’s not a necessity, but it sure is nice when they are

 

[J D Danger]

I've searched to see if this is discussed...apologies if I missed something. Lately have seen "soft dom" mentioned, which I hadn't heard before. What does it mean? I understand that labels aren't required, but they might be helpful for me to initially express what I need without having to go into a long explanation.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to ask for. A gentle and nurturing guy who is in control and sometimes will take me forcefully is the general gist. There is a lot to learn about what I need. Should he be older or a "daddy?" Not necessarily?
Anyway, some definitions would help. I appreciate any thoughts!

As you have said a specific label is not required talk over your wants, needs and limits with a would be partner, take your time find a fit and call it what you want

since you are looking for definitions to help I found this you may want to read https://www.enotalone.com/article/r...ence-between-a-soft-dom-and-a-hard-dom-r7965/

best of luck in your search if you need someone to talk to or an ear to listen as you figure this out feel free to DM me anytime

 

[Goldenfinger]

My 2 cents. It’s kinda al la cart. You can pick and choose your kink. But remember it’s up to you. Communication is the key if there’s something you don’t want you don’t have to do it. I guess what I’m saying is just because you do one thing doesn’t obligate you to do something else . You just put together the things you like to do, call it fandango and then do the voodoo that you do.

 

[JusticeGrey]

I identify as a soft Dom. Personally, this means something to me a little bit different than what you might find as the definition on a BDSM site. Ultimately, to me, it's about the method of being dominant and the type of sub I mesh well with.

I prefer encouragement, praise, and rewards as opposed to punishments. I'm not a sadist, or verbally abusive. I like to embarrass my sub in private, make her blush, but not to humiliate in public. I prefer to call my sub "good girl" and use pet names to help her feel submissive as opposed to demeaning her and calling her names like "slut" or "whore". I will inflict physical pain only so much as my sub needs me to, but my enjoyment from doing so is derived from how much she enjoys it as opposed to an intrinsic enjoyment of inflicting pain. I do get a lot of pleasure from orgasm control, but ultimately I enjoy making my sub cum more than I like denying her for too long.

I don't like to yell, but prefer using a softer tone. This doesn't mean I tolerate disobedience; I will withhold praise, etc. until it is earned, be physical when I need to be, and make a sub work for what she wants. Ultimately, I want her to get what she wants, but she only will if she's done what she needs to for me to let her, whatever that may be.

I've also used restraints or just restrained with my own person, using my hands and body weight to limit movement. Being "soft" doesn't mean weak, just a gentler approach to things. I'm not in control because I've beaten you into submission (although that has been a prearranged part of some interactions because the sub needed that from me), but because my sub wants to be what I use to be happy.

I tend to prefer good girls, pets, or littles as my subs, although I very much enjoyed taming a brat recently. I mesh well with someone who wants to be a good girl, who thrives on being one, who loves doing what I have her do because it makes me happy.

That's kind of how I view being a soft Dom. Like I said: it may not be a dictionary-worthy definition, but it kind of sums up my thoughts on my own approach, how I see myself, and what I like to do as a "soft Dom".

 

[Rm3452]

I identify as a soft Dom. Personally, this means something to me a little bit different than what you might find as the definition on a BDSM site. Ultimately, to me, it's about the method of being dominant and the type of sub I mesh well with.

I prefer encouragement, praise, and rewards as opposed to punishments. I'm not a sadist, or verbally abusive. I like to embarrass my sub in private, make her blush, but not to humiliate in public. I prefer to call my sub "good girl" and use pet names to help her feel submissive as opposed to demeaning her and calling her names like "slut" or "whore". I will inflict physical pain only so much as my sub needs me to, but my enjoyment from doing so is derived from how much she enjoys it as opposed to an intrinsic enjoyment of inflicting pain. I do get a lot of pleasure from orgasm control, but ultimately I enjoy making my sub cum more than I like denying her for too long.

I don't like to yell, but prefer using a softer tone. This doesn't mean I tolerate disobedience; I will withhold praise, etc. until it is earned, be physical when I need to be, and make a sub work for what she wants. Ultimately, I want her to get what she wants, but she only will if she's done what she needs to for me to let her, whatever that may be.

I've also used restraints or just restrained with me own person, using my hands and body weight to limit movement. Being "soft" doesn't mean weak, just a gentler approach to things. I'm not in control because I've beaten you into submission (although that has been a prearranged part of some interactions because the sub needed that from me), but because my sub wants to be what I use to be happy.

I tend to prefer good girls, pets, or littles as my subs, although I very much enjoyed taming a brat recently. I mesh well with someone who wants to be a good girl, who thrives on being one, who loves doing what I have her do because it makes me happy.

That's kind of how I view being a soft Dom. Like I said: it may not be a dictionary-worthy definition, but it kind of sums up my thoughts on my own approach, how I see myself, and what I like to do as a "soft Dom".

Well said

 

[PoetM]

I've searched to see if this is discussed...apologies if I missed something. Lately have seen "soft dom" mentioned, which I hadn't heard before. What does it mean? I understand that labels aren't required, but they might be helpful for me to initially express what I need without having to go into a long explanation.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to ask for. A gentle and nurturing guy who is in control and sometimes will take me forcefully is the general gist. There is a lot to learn about what I need. Should he be older or a "daddy?" Not necessarily?*
Anyway, some definitions would help. I appreciate any thoughts!

* ETA: this question is for myself. I don't know if I need either.

Labels are perfectly fine. Not sure why ppl get so touchy about them as they are simply a form of communication in my opinion. Kinksters don't fit in nice neat boxes. Labels are useful for identifying the current box they may flow into. Next week they maybe completely out of that box...it's dynamic not fixed. You can go out on Fet and find plenty people and cliques who will try and tell you they have the answers....they are useful for beginners.

D/s can range from mild to scary and you will find Doms and subs who want that full range. IMO most the important core elements are Trust, Patience, Communication.

 

[Erosfan]

I've searched to see if this is discussed...apologies if I missed something. Lately have seen "soft dom" mentioned, which I hadn't heard before. What does it mean? I understand that labels aren't required, but they might be helpful for me to initially express what I need without having to go into a long explanation.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to ask for. A gentle and nurturing guy who is in control and sometimes will take me forcefully is the general gist. There is a lot to learn about what I need. Should he be older or a "daddy?" Not necessarily?*
Anyway, some definitions would help. I appreciate any thoughts!

* ETA: this question is for myself. I don't know if I need either.

It is ultimately up to you and your partner/sub. Communication is key to success. Love and trust also play a major role.

 

[CEOescape]

I identify as a soft Dom. Personally, this means something to me a little bit different than what you might find as the definition on a BDSM site. Ultimately, to me, it's about the method of being dominant and the type of sub I mesh well with.

I prefer encouragement, praise, and rewards as opposed to punishments. I'm not a sadist, or verbally abusive. I like to embarrass my sub in private, make her blush, but not to humiliate in public. I prefer to call my sub "good girl" and use pet names to help her feel submissive as opposed to demeaning her and calling her names like "slut" or "whore". I will inflict physical pain only so much as my sub needs me to, but my enjoyment from doing so is derived from how much she enjoys it as opposed to an intrinsic enjoyment of inflicting pain. I do get a lot of pleasure from orgasm control, but ultimately I enjoy making my sub cum more than I like denying her for too long.

I don't like to yell, but prefer using a softer tone. This doesn't mean I tolerate disobedience; I will withhold praise, etc. until it is earned, be physical when I need to be, and make a sub work for what she wants. Ultimately, I want her to get what she wants, but she only will if she's done what she needs to for me to let her, whatever that may be.

I've also used restraints or just restrained with my own person, using my hands and body weight to limit movement. Being "soft" doesn't mean weak, just a gentler approach to things. I'm not in control because I've beaten you into submission (although that has been a prearranged part of some interactions because the sub needed that from me), but because my sub wants to be what I use to be happy.

I tend to prefer good girls, pets, or littles as my subs, although I very much enjoyed taming a brat recently. I mesh well with someone who wants to be a good girl, who thrives on being one, who loves doing what I have her do because it makes me happy.

That's kind of how I view being a soft Dom. Like I said: it may not be a dictionary-worthy definition, but it kind of sums up my thoughts on my own approach, how I see myself, and what I like to do as a "soft Dom".

your description of your Dom style is so very exciting love to talk more.. Lynn

 

[VerbalAbuse]

I've searched to see if this is discussed...apologies if I missed something. Lately have seen "soft dom" mentioned, which I hadn't heard before. What does it mean? I understand that labels aren't required, but they might be helpful for me to initially express what I need without having to go into a long explanation.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to ask for. A gentle and nurturing guy who is in control and sometimes will take me forcefully is the general gist. There is a lot to learn about what I need. Should he be older or a "daddy?" Not necessarily?*
Anyway, some definitions would help. I appreciate any thoughts!

* ETA: this question is for myself. I don't know if I need either.

soft dom means not get hard. erectile dysfunction.
also, pussy. wussy. doormat.
gentle dom is the same. basically, a simp.

 

[Spanky1372]

I think trying to put a type into box is too complicated. I can't say I'm a soft or a hard dom. I've took myself out of the named dom role because of that.
Yes I like to give instruction for pleasure but it's my subs pleasure that I'm looking for.
I will use the power of suggestion but I have also engaged in CNC to achieve the aim, again I'm in it for my subs pleasure.
As previously mentioned it's about trust and communication. It's the bedrock for the relationship.

 

[Erosfan]

My 2 cents. It’s kinda al la cart. You can pick and choose your kink. But remember it’s up to you. Communication is the key if there’s something you don’t want you don’t have to do it. I guess what I’m saying is just because you do one thing doesn’t obligate you to do something else . You just put together the things you like to do, call it fandango and then do the voodoo that you do.

I love this take! Communication is so important here. So long as you and your SO are on the same page, go for it. We've had a lot of fun together.

 

[wwot40]

I think EvaLane has given a pretty comprehensive description. There is not a tight definition for sure on the distinction between soft and gentle Dom. I think many would say they would be pretty interchangeable. I would throw out that often a Daddy Dom will fall into those descriptors as well. A Daddy type will tend to be more mentoring and teaching; more prone to correct than discipline.

 

[Biglibido99]

I have written a series of stories exploring a soft Dom relationship - the first one is still pending publication

 

[MasterDarcy]

As with the majority of labels, there are so many nuances and caveats. You could get two soft Doms to stand side-by-side and their processes would be entirely different.

Saying that, though, you can generalise them and sum them up in a broad sense:

A soft Dominant is someone who is more about the sensual aspects of BDSM.

A hard Dominant is focused on the more extreme, taboo, animalistic and deviant aspects of BDSM.

A vanilla who wants to take charge is a vanilla person who wants to roleplay for a period of time.

Only you can determine which type fits you.

A really important thing to remember is that every Dominant, regardless of gender, etc, should have respect for their submissive/slave.

Even dynamic that are heavy with the humiliation and degradation should have an ethereal connection of trust and respect running through it.

 

[PoetM]

As with the majority of labels, there are so many nuances and caveats. You could get two soft Doms to stand side-by-side and their processes would be entirely different.

Saying that, though, you can generalise them and sum them up in a broad sense:

A soft Dominant is someone who is more about the sensual aspects of BDSM.

A hard Dominant is focused on the more extreme, taboo, animalistic and deviant aspects of BDSM.

A vanilla who wants to take charge is a vanilla person who wants to roleplay for a period of time.

Only you can determine which type fits you.

A really important thing to remember is that every Dominant, regardless of gender, etc, should have respect for their submissive/slave.

Even dynamic that are heavy with the humiliation and degradation should have an ethereal connection of trust and respect running through it.

As a Dom who has spent a good number of years developing my own philosophy on D/s and kink I agree with your comments. As far as the latter ones regarding respect I view it as "Positive kink energy vs negative kink energy" A vanilla person looking at a humiliation scene would likely view that as negative however I connect with a sub to find what things trigger her. If humiliation is it then I work on hewning that. If the humiliation turns her on then that is "Positive kink energy". Part of D/s involves exploring ones edges so negative things will be encountered. If a certain type of thing is negative (makes her feel bad or the like) I will avoid it. May try a few different types of experiences but in general if it's not desirable to her then it's not a turn on for me.