What's Your Opinion on Being a Switch?

[spartan509]

I've been a sub most of my life, always preferring stronger women to take the reins in our respective relationship. More recently, I've developed a dom side as I've come into my own. Would you say it's all about the partner or you? Or a mix of the two?

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I think this just varies widely by person and by relationship. While I don’t think I could ever switch, I do have another sub friend who recently told me she’s becoming switch as she gets older. Others have posted here similarly, so I think it’s just like most things and our interests and preferences change as we get older.

 

[spartan509]

I appreciate the input. I've always felt there was a bit of a "you can't have your cake and eat it too" sentiment about being a switch. Kind of like the animosity carried by some regarding being bisexual (but that's a different conversation.

Thank you.

 

[emme8]

I feel like it is difficult work to be the Top having to plan all the scenes and being creative.
I think even a Top needs to be relax and be cared for. Maybe a really good sub know the Dom well enough to anticipate needs and make happen.

It gets annoying to me that so many "subs" have these fantasies that require the Dom has to do all the work. It is fun to have the control, but it could get exhausting.

Plus we all have little itches that are slightly harder to scratch than most.

 

[seela]

I can enjoy some activities people usually consider to be domly, whereas for me it’s just a service top mindset and general fun times. It absolutely depends on the person to me if that part comes out to play or not. I don’t particularly need to have an outlet for that side of me but it can be a lot of fun.

For example bondage is one such thing. I’ve found the fun in tying people up again after years of not really doing that at all. Personally I don’t even consider it to be a top activity for myself, it’s just like…doing handcrafts, problem solving and creating something esthetic. It’s not even sexual for me, just a nice pastime. I’ve never tied up anyone for sex, for example, and I have a hard time imagining that would ever happen.

I can also enjoy hurting people, and that I definitely consider a service top thing. I absolutely hate being in control of the situation, though, and in that way I definitely am a sub and not a switch. I have zero interest in making someone do things for my entertainment or pleasure, let alone push someone even close to their limits.

The toppy activities have to be asked for, or I have to know the person really well to sort of get that feeling that me doing the toppy thing is what they need right now. In that situation I might volunteer that activity, but normally it has to be asked for. It’s very situational for me, and it’s never a long scene or anything like that, more like a burst of toppy energy amid other stuff for the benefit of the person truly in charge of things.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I've been a sub most of my life, always preferring stronger women to take the reins in our respective relationship. More recently, I've developed a dom side as I've come into my own. Would you say it's all about the partner or you? Or a mix of the two?

Whatever the mirror neurons of the involved parties end up creating perhaps. I think it is situational too, to some extent.
Being young and inexperienced, following can feel more comfortable than leading.
If it is about sexual situations or not, also factors in.

I appreciate the input. I've always felt there was a bit of a "you can't have your cake and eat it too" sentiment about being a switch. Kind of like the animosity carried by some regarding being bisexual (but that's a different conversation.

Thank you.

Yes, it happens.
I’ve seen much less of it here than in other places.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I feel like it is difficult work to be the Top having to plan all the scenes and being creative.
I think even a Top needs to be relax and be cared for. Maybe a really good sub know the Dom well enough to anticipate needs and make happen.

It gets annoying to me that so many "subs" have these fantasies that require the Dom has to do all the work. It is fun to have the control, but it could get exhausting.

Plus we all have little itches that are slightly harder to scratch than most.

I think it is untenable to expect that of someone, in the long run. Being dominant can’t be like being an entertainment host on a cruise ship 24/7.
I mean, either they would end up with burn out or the sub would kill them and quietly bury them in the basement.

 

[emme8]

I think it is untenable to expect that of someone, in the long run. Being dominant can’t be like being an entertainment host on a cruise ship 24/7.
I mean, either they would end up with burn out or the sub would kill them and quietly bury them in the basement.

Agree absolutely.

Seela you are a great sub to be able to be a servicetop. You must really know and care to anticipate needs that way.

 

[demarcozs71]

I am a switch - I love dominating my wife and it gives me a pleasure when I see her in mild to moderate pain. On other hand, I love being pushed to pain limits- it becomes almost a spiritual experience. I can not identify myself as either a pure dom or pure sub. In fact, I don't believe in black or white only. You would be jsut limiting yourself (IMHO) if you do that....

 

[IrisAlthea]

My opinion on being a switch? I can't say, because I keep changing my mind.

Seriously, few things are ever 100% one way or another. Relationships are give-and-get arrangements. I met a Domme once who claimed: "I've never had a submissive moment in my life." She believed it, but it wasn't true, as it took only a couple of questions from me to make clear to her.

I couldn't claim to be 100% Dominant, because dead men don't talk. I've had police point guns at me a number of times during my life, and if I really didn't have a submissive bone in my body, I'd have been dead decades ago.

You like what you like, but we're also driven by primitive impulses that even we don't understand and that will cause us to do things, or even seek out things, we wouldn't have guessed until the situation presented itself.

Being able to follow instructions and aversion to incarceration doesn’t really mean that you’re less dominant though. You can certainly still want things your way in general and/or sexually.

I’d agree though that there is a lot of posturing in some circles with people who are as dominant they wouldn’t even get out of the way for an avalanche or so submissive, they can’t be responsible for a ball of yarn not to get tangled.

I am a switch - I love dominating my wife and it gives me a pleasure when I see her in mild to moderate pain. On other hand, I love being pushed to pain limits- it becomes almost a spiritual experience. I can not identify myself as either a pure dom or pure sub. In fact, I don't believe in black or white only. You would be jsut limiting yourself (IMHO) if you do that....

Yes, It’s quite possible to be a dominant masochist or a submissive sadist or into s/m without the D/s.
There is a Sticky with a post by StellaOmega about that here somewhere.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Following another's instructions is submission, per se. That's true whether it's kneeling on pavement with your hands behind your head when ordered to at gunpoint or putting your pencil down when the proctor of a test in school tells you to. There's no way around it. Yes, we all submit to another's will from time to time, and there's no shame in being honest and admitting submissive behavior. There should be shame in claiming otherwise.

In the bedroom or out, all of us exhibit submissive behavior from time to time, no matter how Dominant we claim to be or think ourselves to be. It isn't a matter of being "less dominant;" it's factually a matter of alternating between behaviors that are dominant, submissive, or neutral. We all must do so in life, or we perish.

That wonderful, primitive little part of the brain just in front of the hippocampus, the amygdala, triggers our fight, flight, or surrender response when under certain kinds of stress. Flight (running away) is neither Dominant nor submissive behavior in and of itself. However, fighting is unequivocally an expression of Dominance, and surrendering is unequivocally an expression of submission. Surrender isn't "less dominant"; it's submissive, and we all do it from time to time.

By that logic almost everyone would be a switch though? The only ones able to call themselves dominan would be the kind you need a baseball bat to evict from the bar.
Personally I’d call the latter personality disorder, often fueled by whatever the friendly street corner pharmacy prescribed.
A dominant to me is a person who prefers to call the shots in their relationship.
I totally agree though that life tends to put a cap on the amount of shots anyone gets to call.

 

[Bramblethorn]

In a sexual context, I like to be in charge. But when I'm getting a deep tissue massage, something about having a masseur hurt me and me accepting whatever they do puts me into a trance-like state. I don't know if that makes me a switch, but it feels at least in the neighbourhood.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Huge difference, though, between following orders so as not to get shot, and choosing to follow orders because you get off on it or because you know the person ordering you will get off from you doing it.

I can and do switch, because treating someone as a squeaky toy is fun, ordering someone who actually obeys is also satisfying (unlike children who don't obey or work colleagues you have to be subtle about ordering around), but mainly because there's always more people wanting to be played with than to be a top/D. So taking turns is the best way to get a good satisfying session of masochism (jury is out on whether or not I'm submissive; I don't care about definitions any more). Most kinksters I know eventually tried the opposite roles out of curiosity and most switch at least occasionally.

Very different to the erotica or porn world where characters are Dom or sub and never have any switching portrayed. Bit like bisexuality, actually. And switching is probably worse than bisexuality for putting off potential readers on Lit... I wrote a story ('Switching at KinkCon') which was well received by the few people who've read it, but not many have.

 

[Acktion]

I tease switches by calling them "fence humpers." But, honestly, my takeaway is the same as for just about anything; as long as everybody involved consents and walks away under their own power when the fun is done, this world needs more fucking and less fucking over.

For me, personally, I just flat can't switch and take on a submissive role. I've tried back early on. And made us both miserable. Not to mention breaking a cast-iron bed figuring out I'm not a bunny at all.

Now, here's the thing. Unfortunately, I eventually had to accept that I'm one of those "Alpha" assholes. I really can't set into words just how much I did not want that to be true after too many self-proclaimed "Alphas" left a bad taste in my mouth with their posturing. And I tried to hide behind the fact that I don't strictly speaking have to be driving whatever bus I happen to be on, so long as it's going the right general direction to argue that I was not. But, the fact of the matter is being laid back doesn't mean I'm not Alpha. In fact, it arguably proves that I am.

I know. Bent my noodle a little bit when I had it pointed out to me, too.

So, why, if I can be laid back and go with the flow, do I say I can't submit?

I can be asked to do something and, if I don't have a hard reason not to, will generally comply.

Begging me to do it scratches my D-type itch and makes it even more likely that I will.

But, demanding or commanding? Yeah, nope. That didn't work so hot when I was still scooting around on my diapered butt. But, really went downhill about the first time I was waterboarded at the age of seven. Even more so when I got strong enough and fast enough to make my "no" stick. ***shrug*** I'm drawing a blank on how long evidence for dismissed cases is held, so I'm not sure it still exists. But, there was documented (and filed) evidence of me having a gun held in my face, telling the person they had three seconds to pull the trigger, then taking it from them and pistol-whipping them with it, breaking their jaw. (Not guilty of "excessive force" basically because I disarmed them, struck once, secured the weapon, then rendered aid.)

But, let's be honest here. Being in charge all the time, every second of every day is fuckin' exhausting.

Case in point... I'm drawing a blank on the terminology, but the idea of controlling when a submissive goes to the bathroom. Not kink-shaming, but not my cup of tea. Working the detention units, when I was still on the floor, I had to run "potty patrol" on a forty bunk pod sharing a two-hole bathroom. If I never have to tell someone when they have to hold it and when they can go piss or shit ever again, that will be just fine with me. Even just riding someone's ass every hour to suck back an eight-ounce bottle of water, remembering to check if they did, can get a little stale after a while.

If I can just roll along in my submissive's wake when she's feeling a little spunky because she is doing something I want to happen, I will be more than happy to rack back with my fingers laced behind my head and see where we go. Some people might consider that a certain amount of switchiness. I don't. Because I know I'm still holding the reigns to this crazy train. And the ultimate responsibility as well as blame.

But, from my perspective, people who tend to Switch with the same partner... well, at the risk of stirring the wrath of a few I could name, they are pretty much just kinked partners. And I really don't think they should be worrying about fixing something that ain't broke (assuming it works for them). Others who switch with different partners, I think it's more about how they resonate. And again, if it works, then work it, baby.

 

[StockingGirlJ]

Submissive and never considered that I had any dominant tendencies until I was asked to do a light BDSM photo shoot with me in a corset, stocking s and heels collared, leashed, paddled, cropped, etc. At the end the guy playing the Dom asked if we could quite literally switch roles for a few pictures. Nothing about the shoot had been exciting or a turn on in the least. It was really hot from the lights, and I just wanted it over. But I agreed.

He took off all of his clothes except for his black cotton bikini-style bottom, piked up the collar I has been wearing and fastened it around his neck. I was instantly wet, and my hand shook when I clipped the leash onto his collar. I absolutely loved putting him on the ground, standing over him and pulling on the leash. Everything else from sticking my heel into his chest, pulling his hair--you name it--was delicious.

I was initially surprised at how I felt, but after some time concluded that I simply enjoyed the newness of the experience.

Since then I have from time to time been slipped into that role and have enjoyed it. But I definitely feel like I am playing a role because, in fact, I am. And that for me is the difference. Moreover, just the whole idea of being in charge of everything exhausts me. I plan nothing. All I have to do is listen and let go. I don't even have to pick out what, if anything, I am going wear.

It seems strange that if one is strongly Dominant or submissive that one could really switch.

 

[Crankbait88]

Yeah, I've tried. I just don't enjoy the submission. Unless you agree that once a woman has your cock in her mouth, that she really has the power at that point, then maybe I'm slightly switch at that point, lol.

 

[lady_jennaxx]

Personally, I feel the ability to encompass both desires adds depth and complexity to a relationship, and I find it intriguing

 

[drobert44]

Personally, I feel the ability to encompass both desires adds depth and complexity to a relationship, and I find it intriguing

I agree, I was fucking sissies, then decided to be gay, also so much fun!

 

[emme8]

I find it much more fun to switch things up. Most times I want to top but sometimes I need to be on bottom. If someone doesn't like it. That's cool. There are ton of things I'll take a pass on also.

 

[Deleted member 1300976]

There’s too much fun to experience and enjoy to limit myself to one role, especially if my partner is a switch as well

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I'm a definite switch.
When I'm feeling in control of life, I get surges to control and dominate.
Sometimes when I feel out of control, I desire to be controlled.

 

[Lady2020]

It's about my partner. And his ability to express his truth. Which so far doesn't look good.

 

[LourdMorpheus]

Is that your rl partner or wish to be partner?

 

[Vardai]

I've been a sub most of my life, always preferring stronger women to take the reins in our respective relationship. More recently, I've developed a dom side as I've come into my own. Would you say it's all about the partner or you? Or a mix of the two?

For my part im a switch, and a bisexual one: I figured that i was more dominant with a woman, and a sub with a male.
but many men in my life ask me to be their Dom too so, it depends of how you feel with your partner.
I miss a Dom in the present of my life, feeling his desir his urges to take me and possess me but like i said, depends of many things. ( time of your life, your experiences, your partners etc)

Both are so enjoyable

 

[Goldenfinger]

my opinion is only from experience in my relationship. I could not be a switch. If my wife wanted Me to be I would but I think I would be un imaginative, i would just copy her.