❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[AlwaysFara]

That is the blessing of pain, It's always more enjoyable when you get someone who is enjoying it.

I recently got a little upset with my wife. She doesn't like BDSM for the most part and rarely lets me do an. Which is OK, it's her choice. But we were watching the wedding crashers and when the girl had Vince Vaughn tied up and he was freaking, she "joked" that is what she felt like.

I know I shouldn't be upset, but it kinda felt like a rejection of part of who I am.

Not sadness for her fear?
Talk to her.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

I think it's really interesting that so many people interpreted this question to include physical and emotional pain. It didn't even cross my mind and I'm normally keen to talk emotional masochism, mostly because I'm still trying to find words to put my things.

I think if we were talking emotional pain, I would say a solid 9. But I think it's hard to quantify emotional pain in the moment. Those effects are usually felt days later. My limits would be things I obviously have deep insecurities about and religion (long story) but I've had things said to me in the moment that I found stinging and hot but have not left a permanent memory but I've had things said to me that I'll swear I'll never forget.

The emotional stuff is so hard to explain. I know it's not for everyone but for me it's a huge turn on. It feels like brutal honesty and it's... refreshing? (for lack of a better word). The humiliation and degradation is also incredible erotic - but I has to be with someone I feel safe with. Being simplified to a "hole for his pleasure" - god it sounds harsh - but it's also incredibly freeing. Being able to focus on being this one thing in this moment and to have it emphasize someone else's pleasure over mine - it's all the things for me. However, my partner would have to be someone who respected and cared about me for me to let myself go with them like that.

It can take many forms and finding someone who speaks "your" emotionally sadistic language is nearly fucking impossible but the pain is way more visceral than physical pain. The aftercare is hugely important. You can call me just about any whorish thing but you have to call me all the sweet things after - and mean it.

 

[AveryElle]

PLP- do you correlate word play with emotional pain? I don’t classify that as degradation - maybe I’m overthinking what I consider degradation. To me those are actually hurtful things that my partner knows I find hurtful. Or taking my insecurities and saying things that mock or point them out. That’s what I’m thinking. Whorey words are fine to me. It’s the physical traits or even words like stupid that are a total turn off.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

PLP- do you correlate word play with emotional pain? I don’t classify that as degradation - maybe I’m overthinking what I consider degradation. To me those are actually hurtful things that my partner knows I find hurtful. Or taking my insecurities and saying things that mock or point them out. That’s what I’m thinking. Whorey words are fine to me. It’s the physical traits or even words like stupid that are a total turn off.

I mean, like everything, it's a spectrum right? I would put name calling at one end and something else (so scared to say anything here in case it's someone's thing) at the other end. Some names don't bother some people, some names do. Some people want "my" before any name. They feel more turned on by being called "my cunt" rather than just "a cunt".
Mocking is a fine line for me but it can be done. It really just depends on the person and how well they know you. And you and what's okay for you. I know someone who wouldnt bat at eye if you called her a whore but call her a bitch and she's seeing red. Depends on the person. Spectrums. Facets.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I mean, like everything, it's a spectrum right? I would put name calling at one end and something else (so scared to say anything here in case it's someone's thing) at the other end. Some names don't bother some people, some names do. Some people want "my" before any name. They feel more turned on by being called "my cunt" rather than just "a cunt".
Mocking is a fine line for me but it can be done. It really just depends on the person and how well they know you. And you and what's okay for you. I know someone who wouldnt bat at eye if you called her a whore but call her a bitch and she's seeing red. Depends on the person. Spectrums. Facets.

Yessssss! For me it's about being owned, belonging to him. It is right up there with "this is my pussy and you can't touch it unless I say that you can."

Now, how am I supposed to go back to sleep!

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Yessssss! For me it's about being owned, belonging to him. It is right up there with "this is my pussy and you can't touch it unless I say that you can."

Now, how am I supposed to go back to sleep!

Ooh yep. Mhmm.... I do like ownership.
Damn it BFG. How am I supposed to go to work now??

 

[seela]

Nope.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Now, use me as a set of holes, then go "meh, not good enough, go clean the fridge while I fuck someone hotter"... Hello, humiliation and emotional masochism that cuts me to the core. And makes me cry. And masturbate later.

(God this feels like a difficult post to hit "submit reply" on.)

!!!
Yes. All the yes. Thank you for putting it into words. I was struggling this morning.
Seela, you get me. Best friends?? Lol.

 

[seela]

!!!
Yes. All the yes. Thank you for putting it into words. I was struggling this morning.
Seela, you get me. Best friends?? Lol.

Oh yeah, BFF!

 

[Ins_spacetime87]

I rally admire how you two describe this... I have not had the expirience, so I cannot relate, but your words make me feel it somewhat

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Good grief! So much good stuff here this morning!

*squeeeee*

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

This emotional point side of things is something I've only thought of as many of us have. The art of breaking ones defenses down, making not only their body but their core raw and waiting for what comes next.

But PLP if I understand you right, you want the security of a connection with a Dom/ SO before they can degrade you correct?

Maybe you and Seela can explain if I'm thinking correctly or I'm off base. But from what you both said, I'm thinking you enjoy being in a situation that your almost "ashamed" or shocked off or told how unacceptable it is. The disparity between what your mind/body felt and what you think of as good is what drives the desire there.

Sorry, I'm struggling to find the right way to say what I'm thinking, I hope you both understood at least some of that.

On a final note, I have seen some people have their boundaries pushed, the recoil from them enjoying it sends them into a tail spin. Some come out of it with a renewed interest and some have to be coaxed out of their recoil, while others just revert back to a "safe" state.

Seela, where you said you can go from being ashamed or un-aroused when it happened then masturbating and wanting more, would you say that the initial act turned you on or that you did something that your mind finds wrong the arousing part? If that's too personal I understand, so no worries.

 

[seela]

Nope.

 

[Ed27R]

This discussion has been fantastic. So much to think about.

One of the things that I thought of reading through this is how far you can go with the right person. This is where I find these types of relationships so powerful in that you can take each other to such intense places and then come back and not say I am scared of you, or you are messed up, or I didn’t like that, or this is over, or you have truly hurt me.

For me, I find the headspace I need to be in to humiliate or to give emotional or physical pain to someone hard to get into. It is not to say that I don’t enjoy it or want to do it. It is just outside of my typical everyday headspace. But, circling down into that place where you can do it is one of the most enjoyable experiences for me (and I always hope her). Coming out of it it, on the other hand, can be a little disorienting for me as I realize what I have just done, how I have thought and treated someone precious to me, and I am doing this weird mental ballet around what happened. But as sells said - shortly there after it is a memory that is so powerful and intense that you need it again. Soon.

I feel like a rambled there. Again - great stuff by all.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I would rate my pain as low as 2 or 3... I'm not looking for it, it's not something I crave. But. With the right person, when there's that connection, I would do many things to please or just to experience. In the depths of passion... yeah. I don't consider myself a masochist, I am not into emotional pain or humiliation.

But, words are my downfall. Call me your little fuck toy, your whore, your little slut - and I'll be all of them FOR YOU.

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

. But that's not really how I feel about emotional masochism on a bigger scale, because I'm not particularly ashamed of my kinks.


That said, I've definitely used my penchant for emotional masochism as a coping method when life's been sucky. But that doesn't have anything to do with this discussion.

Thank you for your candor. I appreciate it. I wanted to address it all but that is a big conversation I feel like. So I will say something on these two lines.

I really liked what you said about your kinks. I went through and still do to some degree this same feeling. I grew up ultra conservative, so when I learned that sex/relationships/connections could be so much more than what I thought I knew I went through the rounds of shame, anger, fear, then acceptance. Even now, some of my desires cause some shame to bubble up, but I've developed a bit of a hedonistic streak, so it's hard to get me to say no to a kink.

The second line I think is normal. I think we all cope with things in our own unique ways.Sometimes exposing ourselves to things shows us that we can handle things in our own life.

I hope I didn't misinterpret your words too badly and again, thank you for your response.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Seela. Love your openness. I’m glad you hit submit.

 

[cascadiabound]

All of this conversation is totally fascinating. Thank you to everyone to speaking with such candor. I read the posts about emotional pain with a great deal of interest as I do not have much experience with that, or I have not defined my experiences in that way.

Physical stuff seems so much easier to understand and think about for me - even though it elicits such a deep emotional response for me.

Well let me ask everyone this. From a receivers point of view. Does a smack to the ass or legs followed by a few seconds/minutes of gentle rubbing before the next one appeal to or turn you off?

I think I would say I like a variety of spanking and rubbing with a warm up in order to get the blood flowing so I can tolerate a longer session. I think I would not like a single spank followed by rubbing and then a spank again. I want the spanking to build on each other.... so that the sensation overwhelms. Until I almost can't take it anymore and them maybe a little bit of calm rubbing just enough to sooth me so I can take more spanking longer and even harder. Swats or spanks against the tops of the thighs are MUCH more painful than the buttocks. I hate it and I love it.

Very little to do with blood. Everything to do with the way your peripheral nervous system can be primed for additional stimulus, and your thalmus can be both focused and tricked.

If your pleasure pathways (to the same location) are still primed and open, while at the same time your attention (and therefore the thalmus's priorities) is focused there; when a sudden sharp wave of pain hits, some of that stimulus triggers the nerves inolved in feeling pleasure that were ready to fire anyway, both signals hit the same channel of the thalmus at once and the entire lower brain can get confused about what the fuck is going on. It's both more sensitive and not entirely pain yet totally more painful... And often highly emotional (guess where emotions start)

Physical mind fuckery is great.

yes... physical mind fuckery IS great.

*******

and then I came across this:

You say you don’t want to seem desperate, but that isn’t the entire truth, is it? Because, really, you just don’t want anyone to stop you. The truth is, you want that feeling. In your chest, hot and blooming. The thumping hiss and slithering bliss of being wracked with need. You want to be made to feel such unhinged desperation that you become the wanton beast, without reservation, pumping into the air, grinding the furniture, pleadingly moaning for violation. It’s embarrassing, it’s humiliating, but that only arouses you more, isn’t that so?

Not only do you like that feeling, you want it coaxed to the surface. And even mocked. You want to have it smeared all over you like a badge of dishonor.

You can say you don’t want to seem desperate, but that’s exactly what you want. To have your desperation exposed, witnessed, and used against you.

And I found myself nodding. And thinking... is THIS part of that emotional pain spectrum? If so... then maybe I am a 4 or a 5 or even a 6...

 

[Mei5ter]

Swats or spanks against the tops of the thighs are MUCH more painful than the buttocks. I hate it and I love it.

My favourite place. Red stripes about ten inches above the stocking tops. Watching her flinch.

Oh, and a belt buckle there hurts like fuck, or so I’m informed...

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

Catching the flesh right under the buttocks, where the curve ends. Having one bent over is appealing, but standing with legs spread so the belt can wrap around and hit the inside of the thigh has an appeal too. It can elicit such delicious whimpers.

 

[AlwaysFara]

*coughs*


I know you don’t have a job or a life or anything, PLP.
Put up the question!!!
Please.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

*coughs*


I know you don’t have a job or a life or anything, PLP.
Put up the question!!!
Please.

Whoops!!! Is it Friday already??

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#19

#19 (submitted)

Roleplaying
Roleplaying IRL and online. How into role-playing are you IRL or online? Taking punishment as an example - does your arousal come from being punished and you don't really care why, or is the "why" a huge part getting into subspace or domspace for you? How important is the storyline?

So just to expand upon the original question - what about being yourself but roleplaying situations you can't be in at the moment - either because you are online and not physically together or because it's safer to RP the scenario than explore it?

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

I love roleplaying, but IRL it's a bit harder I think because we all come equipped with our insecurities and sometimes those don't let us take things seriously or don't let us quite get into the head space. This does get easier but it's not a natural thing for all of us.

Dom/sub space is a bit different in my opinion, it occupies a separate space, those are easily activated for members of the community. It can be activated by a touch, word, or a suggestion.

I'll answer from the other side instead of being punished, it's why. I like why, why are you being punished, why did you disobey.

A punishment for no reason isn't really a punishment, as many of you know, pain becomes pleasurable and without context punishment/play pain can be confused. Now that is part of why some punishments entail other things. No physical contact, no cumming, no speaking, wearing something uncomfortable for a set amount of time. They dynamics change with each Dom/sub and when trying to make generalizations it can be difficult.


As for a role playing story line, I feel these things still apply, role play takes fantasy and makes it plausible for the mind. If you play D&D or write, if you go too far out you loose believably and it pulls the reader/player out of the immersion. This can be applied to sexual role playing too, the player has to believe that a punishment is "real" to be affected by it.

If your online and you tell a sub, Do X for Y amount of time it's got to be something they believe in doing or it's either ignored or not taken seriously. This falls partly on the Dom also in this scenario, if you issue a punishment and don't follow through, why would the effect be anything for the sub?

 

[AlwaysFara]

#19 (submitted)

Roleplaying
Roleplaying IRL and online. How into role-playing are you IRL or online? Taking punishment as an example - does your arousal come from being punished and you don't really care why, or is the "why" a huge part getting into subspace or domspace for you? How important is the storyline?

Pretty much what indie said. I don’t get off being someone else.
My feels are connected to my orgasms, and I want to be me, and I want him to be him. I want the here and now.
It has no appeal for me.