❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[cookiecat]

I took it as physical only.

Which AHS?

current one. (I recapped in the blurt thread)

 

[AlwaysFara]

current one. (I recapped in the blurt thread)

*runs to look*

I watched
House
Hotel
Roanake

Watching Coven now.

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

#18

Pain (submitted)

Pain. There is "good pain" and "bad pain" all along a spectrum, with the ideal state being the Goldilocks point. If you were to rank your pain preference from 0 (hurt me and I'll stab you in your sleep) to 10 (it doesn't count unless it leaves deep bruises or draws blood) where would you say your Goldilocks point is - either receiving or inflicting?
(added)
Is there a preferred type of pain? Do you want to push your "pain threshold" in some way or have you found that sweet spot?

Thanks to the folks who have submitted questions!!
Keep them coming and on a variety of subjects.

For receiving pain, I have an insane amount of pain tolerance, been injured and stabbed a few too many times along the way. But I enjoy about a 7-8 for me. I don't mind bruises or even a little muscle pain. One of my best sexual experiences left some gnarly claw marks down my back. I bleed through my shirt on the way home from one of them. She was...enthusiastic to say the least.

Like Fara said, bone pain is different, don't pop my joints or try to break something. I may enjoy some rough play but that street goes two ways.

As far as inflicting pain, I don't know. I have reservations about inflicting severe pain. My reduced sensitivity also affect my concept of how much force I'm using too. I always have to listen to the person, I know that is basic etiquette but nevertheless.

But I'm not opposed to leaving bruises or even welts, even some more intense things like a rack or some contorted rope play puts a lot of stress on the body. It can really draw the desired reaction to pain or pleasure.

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

*runs to look*

I watched
House
Hotel
Roanake

Watching Coven now.

Coven is the best, IMO

But the current one Apocalypse is pretty good. Don't always agree with some of the choices of representation but you can't have everything right.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Coven is the best, IMO

But the current one Apocalypse is pretty good. Don't always agree with some of the choices of representation but you can't have everything right.

Hotel was amazing. I love Liz Taylor!

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

Hotel was amazing. I love Liz Taylor!

You'll really like some of the characters in Apocalypse then it has a bit of that old Hollywood vibe.

 

[Mei5ter]

I would depending on the type of pain - I range between a 6-8.
I think the intention of the pain matters a lot for me (and this will probably be a question later) but, as an example, spanking - I like, I like the sting, the heat, the pain but if it's not being done as a way of giving pleasure to someone else, it wouldn't appeal to me. So, if my man spanked my ass, purely because I wanted it and every time he did it, he flinched. I wouldn't enjoy that at all. But if he audibly and physically enjoys it then it's extremely pleasurable. (I'm not explaining this well.) As far as giving pain, there are certain things I like, more as an act of passion than pain. Biting being a huge one.

Do I have a preferred type of pain? Hm. I've only experienced a handful of things but I would say all kinds of impact pain is good, very good. Squeezing (is there a better term for that?), leaving finger prints. Biting. Hair pulling. Beyond that, we'd have to have a discussion and take baby steps. Do I want to push my threshold? I'd like to play on my threshold more, if that makes sense.

Not at all. You’re explaining it very well. For exactly the same reasons, it’s not satisfying spanking someone who is dutifully trying to please me by submitting but who isn’t enjoying the experience in the least.

The point, for me, is partly that I like the obvious dominance involved, but mainly because I enjoy seeing my partner reduced to a creamy, freshly-whipped mess of incoherent pleasure (as I’ve said before). It’s about getting the pain level right for her to be able to let go and lose herself in the sensation. If my partner needs a 5 to reach that point, whipping her thigh with a belt buckle and making her scream isn’t sadistic or even cruel - it’s just stupid.

Equally, there are some for whom it seems to be a point of principle to hold out as long as possible before they give in. That’s where I’ve found myself doing things which I’m afterwards uncomfortable with having done. But if that’s the game, and she’s too stubborn to use the safe word, and she’s been told the consequences...

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Equally, there are some for whom it seems to be a point of principle to hold out as long as possible before they give in. That’s where I’ve found myself doing things which I’m afterwards uncomfortable with having done. But if that’s the game, and she’s too stubborn to use the safe word, and she’s been told the consequences...

Yes. I want to say there is a fine line between being a stubborn, willful brat and trying to prove how tough you are to your own detriment. But it's really not that fine a line. If you cant trust each to stop or say stop, it seems like maybe pain play should be avoided.

As a wise man once said "Know thyself, painslut."

 

[Mei5ter]

Yes. I want to say there is a fine line between being a stubborn, willful brat and trying to prove how tough you are to your own detriment. But it's really not that fine a line. If you cant trust each to stop or say stop, it seems like maybe pain play should be avoided.

As a wise man once said "Know thyself, painslut."

I’m not sure it’s about trusting my partner to know her own limits. It’s my job to spot those too.

It’s more that when you do, finally, find that person whom you can trust with the really dark thoughts that lurk in the recesses of your imagination, you want to go for it - I guess? You can perhaps answer that better than I can?

 

[AlwaysFara]

Yes. I want to say there is a fine line between being a stubborn, willful brat and trying to prove how tough you are to your own detriment. But it's really not that fine a line. If you cant trust each to stop or say stop, it seems like maybe pain play should be avoided.

As a wise man once said "Know thyself, painslut."

That.

But also, you need a man who has control. This is KEY with any pain play.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I’m not sure it’s about trusting my partner to know her own limits. It’s my job to spot those too.

It’s more that when you do, finally, find that person whom you can trust with the really dark thoughts that lurk in the recesses of your imagination, you want to go for it - I guess? You can perhaps answer that better than I can?

Yes. This.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Ditto indie, I've no experience with consenual pain in the bedroom.



I swore up and down for years that i was a zero for emotional pain, and then i tried it and holy shit did i change my mind in a hurry. The right partner, the right timing, the right triggers made a convert of me in no time flat.

It was hugely cathartic, and if given the opportunity to go there again, I'd jump at the chance, no question.

 

[cascadiabound]

#18

Pain (submitted)

Pain. There is "good pain" and "bad pain" all along a spectrum, with the ideal state being the Goldilocks point. If you were to rank your pain preference from 0 (hurt me and I'll stab you in your sleep) to 10 (it doesn't count unless it leaves deep bruises or draws blood) where would you say your Goldilocks point is - either receiving or inflicting?
(added)
Is there a preferred type of pain? Do you want to push your "pain threshold" in some way or have you found that sweet spot?

Thanks to the folks who have submitted questions!!
Keep them coming and on a variety of subjects.

I think I am a 6-8 like some others have said. No blood for me. But leaving marks and bruises - and leaving me sore enough to feel it for a day or even 2 or 3 afterwards is fucking delicious. And I think I have had enough emotional pain in my life I have no interest in having that as part of play. I do find that a certain amount of mild humiliation does something for me but that does not seem to be on the "pain" spectrum.

I was stunned to learn that pain was a positive trigger for me in any way. That I liked it. That I wanted it. That, in fact I crave it and need it on some level. I like a wide variety of pain - impact, bondage, clamping, pulling, grabbing, ice, (and i am certain I would like wax too from all I have read), etc. I think that pain receptors work best when they are "warmed up" - so it is most effective for me starting slow and increasing in intensity over a session. I have found pain to be cathartic. It hurts and hurts and then it doesn't. and I want more and more as my body hits sub space and I just take it and get that catharsis of sensation.

I have read some people use a 1-10 scale with their partners to help gauge how much pain is too much. Rather than green yellow red. Because everyone experiences pain differently and different kinds of pain stimulus feel so different. A Top/PYL can learn to apply precisely the amount of pain to achieve an intended effect by calibrating to his/her bottom/pyl. You do this by asking your partner to rate each stroke or twist or spank on a 1-10 scale, with 1 being “Meh, I didn’t feel anything” and 10 being “Holy fucking hell, if you ever do that again I will fucking kill you!” In this way, a person can obtain a metric that can be used to, for example, stay at a constant 7 or 8 during impact play.

Just food for thought.

*****

edit add:

I would echo what others have said about the importance about the PYL being in control of themselves in pain play. But... I would also say that for me, I really want my partner to not just want to play in this sphere for me cause I want and like and need it, but because he gets off on giving it to me. I want it to be a feedback loop experience... not just one way. Maybe that is too much to ask. idk.

 

[AveryElle]

#18:
Pain. There is "good pain" and "bad pain" all along a spectrum, with the ideal state being the Goldilocks point. If you were to rank your pain preference from 0 (hurt me and I'll stab you in your sleep) to 10 (it doesn't count unless it leaves deep bruises or draws blood) where would you say your Goldilocks point is - either receiving or inflicting?
(added)
Is there a preferred type of pain? Do you want to push your "pain threshold" in some way or have you found that sweet spot?

Pain. This is an interesting topic for me as a no-label person. I do not identify as a sub nor do I want my partner to think of me as ‘subby’. I’m more into types of play along a spectrum. Emotional anything isn’t for me as I have a lack of confidence on a good day.

Pain, including some breath play, comprise much of that spectrum. My hard limit is blood and injury. I don’t want to be cut or branded or needled. I have tattoos. I’m good there. But biting, slapping (not face - I’ll explain why), hair pulling (just don’t pull it out. I like my hair.) Spanking. Pushing me beyond what is sexually comfortable (I think I can’t anymore, but he tries anyway and you get past the pain to more pleasure). For me, it’s got to have respect which is why I don’t like pain to the face. I don’t want to be smacked in the face (between my legs is fine) - FOR me that’s more degradation than pain and not for me.

My tolerance for said pain is about a 6-8, depending on the situation (and also time of the month. Sometimes my skin - especially scalp! - is much more sensitive and that’s not enjoyable) but I can communicate that it’s enough. Bodily pain is easy for me to communicate my limit. I pull away or speak up. Now sexual pain - that’s where knowing my responses is important. When can he hold me down or my legs open and keep going even though is so sensitive and rather torturous? I’m less able to communicate that well so time together as partners helps. Or when has edging turned into more than just a ruined orgasm and it won’t happen.

But that’s when word play helps. Begging. Knowing when I’m serious vs just engaging in word play or a ‘scene’.

And for the switch in me....I am not a fan of inflicting pain. I’m not a sadist. But I am a brat and a tease which can be just as painful to a set of balls sometimes

 

[AlwaysFara]

I think I am a 6-8 like some others have said. No blood for me. But leaving marks and bruises - and leaving me sore enough to feel it for a day or even 2 or 3 afterwards is fucking delicious. And I think I have had enough emotional pain in my life I have no interest in having that as part of play. I do find that a certain amount of mild humiliation does something for me but that does not seem to be on the "pain" spectrum.

I was stunned to learn that pain was a positive trigger for me in any way. That I liked it. That I wanted it. That, in fact I crave it and need it on some level. I like a wide variety of pain - impact, bondage, clamping, pulling, grabbing, ice, (and i am certain I would like wax too from all I have read), etc. I think that pain receptors work best when they are "warmed up" - so it is most effective for me starting slow and increasing in intensity over a session. I have found pain to be cathartic. It hurts and hurts and then it doesn't. and I want more and more as my body hits sub space and I just take it and get that catharsis of sensation.

I have read some people use a 1-10 scale with their partners to help gauge how much pain is too much. Rather than green yellow red. Because everyone experiences pain differently and different kinds of pain stimulus feel so different. A Top/PYL can learn to apply precisely the amount of pain to achieve an intended effect by calibrating to his/her bottom/pyl. You do this by asking your partner to rate each stroke or twist or spank on a 1-10 scale, with 1 being “Meh, I didn’t feel anything” and 10 being “Holy fucking hell, if you ever do that again I will fucking kill you!” In this way, a person can obtain a metric that can be used to, for example, stay at a constant 7 or 8 during impact play.

Just food for thought.

*****

edit add:

I would echo what others have said about the importance about the PYL being in control of themselves in pain play. But... I would also say that for me, I really want my partner to not just want to play in this sphere for me cause I want and like and need it, but because he gets off on giving it to me. I want it to be a feedback loop experience... not just one way. Maybe that is too much to ask. idk.

No. It’s not. I think it’s what we should strive for. However, I think it takes quite a man to be in control while also letting go and enjoying it, too.
Those of us that have found that know how important it is.
You mention pain 2-3 days later. Yes. Wonderful.
His control is the difference between that, or pain for a week.

Not that we should totally leave it up to the Dom. We must be aware of our own limitations. It’s just easy to get lost.

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

I read a article a while back about why pain can feel so good in sex. It actually warned that you can have almost a drug like effect and get to far into it and hurt yourself or others. Its fascinating the affects that it can have on us.

But I can imagine the joy of feeling a slight sting on your cheeks a few days after a canning or belt. A not so gentle reminder of the fun had.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I really have a hard time with the word 'pain,' my whole self just shuts right down when i read it. I need to call it something else... intense sensation, maybe.

I think what i like is pressure. I sleep naked under a pile of blankets, i like my knickers a bit snugo), a big part of why i love missionary is feeling the weight of a man on top of me. It's definitely psychological as much as physical - being held in place, embraced, kept safe and secure. I think that's why ropework appeals to me as well.

Most of me wants to run screaming from the thought of true pain, vs. pressure. But there remain a few pictures, a few memories, that remind me that there is an appeal in there somewhere, for me. I just don't have enough experience to be able to put my finger on what it is.

Someday.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Thoughts on Pain

Sadism:
the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.

Masochism
the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from one's own pain or humiliation.

There is a lot wrapped up in the question of pain. By the strict definition, I am neither a sadist or a masochist, in that my sexual pleasure doesn't derive from the pain itself, rather it derives for the sex, with the giving or receiving of pain as an enhancement to the whole sexual encounter, as long as it's desired.

Receiving Pain:

I probably land low on the scale in receiving pain in a sexual context, maybe a three or four. I prefer sudden, short, and sharp pain as an accentuation that wakes up that contrast between pain and pleasure and spikes the biochemical and psychological triggers that increase pleasure. A pinch, a slap, a grasp, a bite, with the right timing and tempo can be a wonderful thing to help reach that primal state of passion.

Inflicting Pain:

How high do you want me to go? I will draw the line generally at anything that has the risk of inflicting serious injury or necessitates a trip to the ER, but short of that, I am willing to get very close to the line, where the pain actually hurts, not just as an enhancer, to find the pleasure for the receiving party that arises from actual pain.

I've had relationships with people who were classic masochists - where the pleasure came from the pain and from the act of that pain being inflicted on them. The majority of the relationships that involved pain, the pain was an enhancer, not the sole focus.

With the masochists, it went to a high nine or a ten, leaving marks and having long term after effects just short of long term injury. In several of the relationships I've had with masochists, that has included what I would have otherwise characterized as being extremely rough or violent sexual encounters and that I was very cautious about.

Because of my prior professions (soldier, cop) and sports affiliations (judo and boxing in competition, other assorted martial arts) I know the human body very well, both in it's capacity to inflict pain and it's capacity to absorb pain, and I can deliver pain very precisely, with control and discipline - enough to win a fight quickly and efficiently. That is a very high capacity to deliver pain in a non-sexual context and for a receiving masochist it translates directly into the ability to hurt you, badly, without crossing the line into permanent injury.

The first time I ever pulled that skill-set into a sexual encounter, I was very uncomfortable, both from the learned social constraints (never hit a woman) and from the potential social, physical, and legal ramifications. It took a while and a lot of discussion, with some demonstration on what exactly they were asking for, for me to be comfortable with doing it - not the physical comfort level but the psychological comfort level in terms of "Okay, you know what you are asking for and you've made informed consent".

I'd say this - the person inflicting the pain needs to know exactly what they're doing and the person receiving the pain needs to know exactly what they're getting into. With training, there are ways to take a person into a world of quite literally blinding pain - without any long term risks or damage. In the relationships where I've done that - they ranged from a mostly passive recipient drawing the sexual pleasure from purely receiving the pain to a consensual non-consent that involved the person literally fighting back as hard as they could, being overcome and "forced" to have sex with actual force and violence. They were powerful, passionate, and primal sexual encounters which I would not have risked with feeling comfortable with my own control and discipline and knowing that person knew exactly what they were asking for and what they were getting into.

 

[AveryElle]

I really have a hard time with the word 'pain,' my whole self just shuts right down when i read it. I need to call it something else... intense sensation, maybe.

I identify with this - I don't think what I'm experiencing is pain, per se, but a change in sensation. Temperature play. Breath play. Smacks. Pinches. Bites. They're all different sensations, and the right person knows that when the temporary sting is over, they should be gentle there. Otherwise...it's just pain for pain's sake - in my opinion/experience.

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

I identify with this - I don't think what I'm experiencing is pain, per se, but a change in sensation. Temperature play. Breath play. Smacks. Pinches. Bites. They're all different sensations, and the right person knows that when the temporary sting is over, they should be gentle there. Otherwise...it's just pain for pain's sake - in my opinion/experience.

Well let me ask everyone this. From a receivers point of view. Does a smack to the ass or legs followed by a few seconds/minutes of gentle rubbing before the next one appeal to or turn you off?

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

Meh

I have a feeling there's an emotional component there for some people?

I've only been spanked erotically a couple times... can't say it did anything for me. Other person didn't seem terribly into it either, which might have been a major contributor to it's lack of impact.

Now, single tail flogging with rope... Also kinda meh, but at least she seemed to enjoy herself... that is ; right up until she flicked my taint (by accident). The pain felt like it exploded through my head. I didnt black out but I did lose coherence and see stars.

Ouch, hot damn that just sounds painful.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Well let me ask everyone this. From a receivers point of view. Does a smack to the ass or legs followed by a few seconds/minutes of gentle rubbing before the next one appeal to or turn you off?

Definitely appeals

 

[AlwaysFara]

Well let me ask everyone this. From a receivers point of view. Does a smack to the ass or legs followed by a few seconds/minutes of gentle rubbing before the next one appeal to or turn you off?

No. Not necessarily.
It depends on the situation.

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

Definitely appeals

No. Not necessarily.
It depends on the situation.

Hmmm, interesting. It's something that I do, and it seems to appeal to most. I explained it to one and she said it was nice because it brought the blood to the surface making the next strike more sensitive without me having to hit harder. She didn't enjoy bruises so we had to play softly.

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

And yet, the fact that she was having fun made it something I was (even at that time) willing to do again.

Never did though.

That is the blessing of pain, It's always more enjoyable when you get someone who is enjoying it.

I recently got a little upset with my wife. She doesn't like BDSM for the most part and rarely lets me do an. Which is OK, it's her choice. But we were watching the wedding crashers and when the girl had Vince Vaughn tied up and he was freaking, she "joked" that is what she felt like.

I know I shouldn't be upset, but it kinda felt like a rejection of part of who I am.