Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SilverBass]

the internet really does offer up so many opertunities to be things we might not be in real life. sometimes as we've discussed it is harmful, but sometimes its more innocent. My online persona is less argumentative, and maybe even more romantic, sometimes less sarcastic. So are those things dishonest not always sometimes it allows me to try out new ways of being that I'd really like to be in person. I have more of a filter online than in real life.

I'd say that is different too. You are who you are, and naturally our personalities may sway to a degree from online to RL. I am very easygoing and a bit shy in RL, that is my true self. But shy does not really apply online, at least not for me, so I am still being true to myself here, even though some of my personality characteristics apply to my online world differently. However my integrity, truthfulness and core principals stay the same. In any event, personally I never "try" to be anything different, but I am saying that naturally some differences may occur.

 

[SilverBass]

Confession time.......

I am not 97% unicorn.


( the real percentage slipped recently and I am fearing it may only ever recover to 96 percent, but ninety seven is a lovelier number)

Only a blood test will prove it. Have you taken a test, because assumptions are often wrong if you don't know for sure.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I'm cranky both off and online....so I can't help give perspective on the need to put any other face forward in any given situation.

Not saying that's a good thing, mind you, just sayin'.

I don't want to be part of someone's fantasy, which is what I equate a great deal of online to be.... fantasy... and a mere outlet for whatever you can't get in RL.


I'm simply not interested in being anyone's "fantasy" anything when the reality is, I'm not perfect. I prefer to not be a part-time or "on demand" type of lover, either. The fact that you can switch off your phone, computer, etc to transition back and forth between reality and non, disturbs me.


If you need a fantasy, then go.. Have your fantasy, but don't create it with me..because I am not a fantasy..I am very much real.


Not sure if I'm articulating this very well...

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

Does it have to be fantasy? Ok not bdsm, but two people from lit ( poetry and GB got married yesterday! Meeting here on lit. I think that's truly exciting and beautiful.

And then there is the idea that some aspects of some BDSM are fantastical for some in real life. The idea of trust and safety underpins practises which without the 'fantasy' element would be unsafe.

didn't say it doesn't happen.. I happen to be very good friends with a couple who met here, got married and just celebrated their two year anniversary...

I'm just not willing to entertain online again for myself, that's all.

I'm not looking to become Abigail Adams. Plus, I already spent three years that just never went anywhere but into and out of my inbox.


And that's ok. I know my limitations. I'd just caution people to be aware of their own limitations before taking such a plunge.

 

[The_gladiator]

And a step further ... and slightly out of my experience ..is all cyber to some degree 'pretence' however real the emotion?


( caveat I do not cyber do this is .....a submission for thought not a statement I put forward with commitment or experience)

Yes, I agree.
if I am cybering with someone I can be as good a lover as my writing skills. Online I can be sure I haven't cum until the woman has had multiple orgasms when maybe in real life sometimes I fail and cum too soon, or only can make her cum once not a dozen times, but I'm not going to write that I prematurely ejaculated even if that happens to most guys on occasion, because come on that's not sexy even if its honest and real life.

I think even in real life we look for a fantasy and sometimes even portray a fantasy. I've seen my own mother act really happy to see someone and then when they leave go, "I hate that woman." its all about image we want others to see. Is it right, not usually, but it still exists.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

Who is Abigail Adams?


Re not going anywhere

1. Some people ARE looking for that. Not you and good for knowing you

2. Real life relationships end too. More than make it. Shrug.


Things not being cast iron guaranteed isn't a reason for not trying to me. Ok, online I know is NOT for me, but if it's what people want then it's different.


I also agree with you about knowing limitations AND revisiting them. I am a big fan of boundaries. I am excellent at following them, . I think my lives might say I am over pragmatic and fiddly. And both are more fluid than I. Well most people are; but I think having some boundaries; even as talking points to revisit every now and then, is s cool thing in relationships that can be easily involved in non traditional dynamics.

First Family

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SilverBass]

Yes, very good thread! I am new here and really this is the only individual thread I have become active in so far. Good people y'all! I guess that is why I'm here. We can talk!

Yes there is definitely some "fantasy" elements in real life. Or maybe that is just coping. For example Glad's mother pretending to like a guest. I wouldn't call that fantasy, but rather just coping with a given situation and making the best of it. We may not like our boss at work but it is wise to fake liking him/her just to get along and not make work any harder. So we all cope and make an effort to fit in or adapt, to a degree. Those who can't do this I believe have a tougher life. Call it life skills. But all of this is different than deliberately deceiving someone, even if you feel like you have legitimate reasons. And yes, there are different degrees. Saying you are a woman when you are a man is like an online felony lie. But saying you like hiking outdoors when really you are a couch potato homebody would be a lessor offense, or a misdemeanor. Though both would apply to RL whereas if you lie about hiking I don't see that matters in an online relationship unless hiking is a major subject you share.

And then there are telling a few white lies out of privacy or with some reason behind it, as opposed to just an all our mischaracterization of who you are. With all of this possible, I am very VERY surprised when I hear online relationships (getting all lovey dovey) sometimes blossom so quickly, as it really does take a while to build up trust, and to be able to fully vet someone to know that who you are talking to is really who they are. Granted it takes the same in RL, but in RL we are at least bound to the truths we can see in people before us, whereas online not only are there the mysteries we still have in RL, but also the mysteries hidden behind a screen and a keyboard.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SilverBass]

I love this.

I'd like to copy it and send a copy to a friend, may I have your permission?


Alternatively, we can also cut through some surface 'vision distorters'. Things that seem informative but actually in refraction conceal things we might get to through using conversation more?

Something I asked litsters I met over the last month was 'am I how you imagined'. It's not s surprise Gianbattista was more of a mystery....

Sure thing, you can share. Glad you like my words!

 

[Primalex]

I found that to be true also...the untrusting Dom thing. I've heard a lot of Doms requiring a specific pic, or voice or skype as 'proof' that you're a girl...because there are a lot of guys pretending to be girls? I don't know how true that is but when you're new and nervous already, it sucks that you have to be the one to step out of your comfort zone to prove who you are to a 'stranger' on the other end.

No, there are not a lot of guys doing this.

It works like this: If a girl is not interested in some particular person, it obviously must be a fake girl.

It's a very comfortable position for the male online population, much like you can blame a lot of things on Russia and Mexican immigrants, just because it's very hard to debunk such claims. Repeat things often enough and it will stick. I can say though that I have met more real 18-year-old-blonde-big-breasted-college-girls than guys who pretended to be that.

Nevertheless, I belong to the group of people who expect a 'facial outing' fairly early and upon my discretion, I don't mind going first though. Not because I'm worried that the person is a guy, but because I'm worried that the person is ugly as fuck. (Feel free to berate me for this political incorrect position.)

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

Ok right, gotcha. I thought I missed some modern culture reference, which happens.

This thread is about just that though . And while I think the comparison with til and expectation control is relevant there are some who choose, for what ever reason, the online situation.

Were you defined in your 'nope' before embarking on your relationship or did it help shape your view?

No, I was not predefined, as it were. As a matter of fact, I was quite amenable to the relationship, and learned a lot about myself.

However, I was always expecting a real life component. It became apparent that we did not have similar expectations. It hurt a lot to have presented my most vulnerable to someone who either did not want (or perhaps could not) move forward.

Meeting someone you care about in real life just seems like a natural progression for me. If you meet and it doesn't work...guess what? It's not supposed to. But to forgo meeting because you don't want to break your illusion?

I find that a bit delusional, and more damaging than accepting reality.

I finally called it for what it was...a very nice fantasy. And have penned him my imaginary friend, for all practical purposes, because that's essentially what he was....imaginary but friendly...lol


I don't much appreciate people who want to be friends online but not meet for lunch or completely platonic activities, either.

You are not my friend if you're too worried about what someone is going to think about us having a hamburger together.

And if you're that uptight...*shrugs*

Just because we met on Lit does not mean we're not normal people who can have normal conversation​ about normal shit.. It's not all tits and ass and whips and dick...

This idea that you can't meet because of what might be said? You don't need to be here.

But, that's just me. I get that most come online to get their fix of whatever they can't get in their real life. Whatever. If that's your thing, go for it.


If I can't get it in real life, I'm not personally looking to substitute illusion for reality.

And yes, I think those who do are silly, but they most likely find me bull-headed, as well, so we don't have to agree with each other.

 

[cascadiabound]

No, there are not a lot of guys doing this.

It works like this: If a girl is not interested in some particular person, it obviously must be a fake girl.

It's a very comfortable position for the male online population, much like you can blame a lot of things on Russia and Mexican immigrants, just because it's very hard to debunk such claims. Repeat things often enough and it will stick. I can say though that I have met more real 18-year-old-blonde-big-breasted-college-girls than guys who pretended to be that.

Nevertheless, I belong to the group of people who expect a 'facial outing' fairly early and upon my discretion, I don't mind going first though. Not because I'm worried that the person is a guy, but because I'm worried that the person is ugly as fuck. (Feel free to berate me for this political incorrect position.)

It seems to me that sharing some photographs of what you look like - normal everyday photos (not nudes) are an entirely reasonable request for people who are interacting on line in an ongoing sort of way. You may say it is because you do not want to interact with someone who is "ugly as fuck" someone else might say that they just really can't quite handle having an ongoing relationship with a "faceless" person. For me - it seems a little dehumanizing to not have images - faces - as part of interacting. But everyone gets to decide what they will and won't do. For some I am sure it is a deal breaker.

Also - I am not at all surprised there is a plethora of 19 year old, perfectly shaped, blonde, sex pot girls - more than in real life. (Primalex - are you sharing the wealth with the other guys around here???)

 

[The_gladiator]

Yes, very good thread! I am new here and really this is the only individual thread I have become active in so far. Good people y'all! I guess that is why I'm here. We can talk!

Yes there is definitely some "fantasy" elements in real life. Or maybe that is just coping. For example Glad's mother pretending to like a guest. I wouldn't call that fantasy, but rather just coping with a given situation and making the best of it. We may not like our boss at work but it is wise to fake liking him/her just to get along and not make work any harder. So we all cope and make an effort to fit in or adapt, to a degree. Those who can't do this I believe have a tougher life. Call it life skills. But all of this is different than deliberately deceiving someone, even if you feel like you have legitimate reasons. And yes, there are different degrees. Saying you are a woman when you are a man is like an online felony lie. But saying you like hiking outdoors when really you are a couch potato homebody would be a lessor offense, or a misdemeanor. Though both would apply to RL whereas if you lie about hiking I don't see that matters in an online relationship unless hiking is a major subject you share.

And then there are telling a few white lies out of privacy or with some reason behind it, as opposed to just an all our mischaracterization of who you are. With all of this possible, I am very VERY surprised when I hear online relationships (getting all lovey dovey) sometimes blossom so quickly, as it really does take a while to build up trust, and to be able to fully vet someone to know that who you are talking to is really who they are. Granted it takes the same in RL, but in RL we are at least bound to the truths we can see in people before us, whereas online not only are there the mysteries we still have in RL, but also the mysteries hidden behind a screen and a keyboard.

well said. its easier when facades are not used, because eventually that mask needs to come off for one reason or another and then you are left with the awkwardness of trying to help the other person reconcile the picture they had of you and the reality. The hope is that the façade is something minor, being friendly to a guest you dislike and not that the person you are speaking to is a 90 year old man when you thought he was a 20 year old woman lol.

I really like the depth of discussion I have had here today and its been really good for me, has gotten me out of my own head and into everyone else's head for a change I like it haha.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Nevertheless, I belong to the group of people who expect a 'facial outing' fairly early and upon my discretion, I don't mind going first though. Not because I'm worried that the person is a guy, but because I'm worried that the person is ugly as fuck. (Feel free to berate me for this political incorrect position.)

Oh, holy hell...that was some honesty! Good job!

Now, I'm going to share another reason 'facial outing' might be important. This is a true story...my RL best friend created a profile on a chat site somewhere (no pics, just a description of your physical appearance and likes/dislikes). Also note that she was trying to be herself but still anonymous o she lied about her location and, of course, used a fake name. So, she met a man that she had a lot in common with. Started an online relationship with dirty talking, sharing sexual fantasies, and eventually cybersex or rp or whatever to get each other off through text chat only. After a couple months of this they got comfortable enough to ask for pics of each other. So, he decided he would be brave and go first. When the pic came through, I got a hysterical phone call in the middle of the night because her online lover turned out to be her brother! No joke! She obviously didn't reciprocate in the picture sharing and debated for some time on how to end it without spilling the beans or hurting his feelings. I think shes still traumatized to this day! It happened over seven years ago.

 

[Blue]

Oh, holy hell...that was some honesty! Good job!

Now, I'm going to share another reason 'facial outing' might be important. This is a true story...my RL best friend created a profile on a chat site somewhere (no pics, just a description of your physical appearance and likes/dislikes). Also note that she was trying to be herself but still anonymous o she lied about her location and, of course, used a fake name. So, she met a man that she had a lot in common with. Started an online relationship with dirty talking, sharing sexual fantasies, and eventually cybersex or rp or whatever to get each other off through text chat only. After a couple months of this they got comfortable enough to ask for pics of each other. So, he decided he would be brave and go first. When the pic came through, I got a hysterical phone call in the middle of the night because her online lover turned out to be her brother! No joke! She obviously didn't reciprocate in the picture sharing and debated for some time on how to end it without spilling the beans or hurting his feelings. I think shes still traumatized to this day! It happened over seven years ago.

Maybe the brother knew it was her all along?.....

 

[Iamsubmissive]

And have penned him my imaginary friend, for all practical purposes, because that's essentially what he was....imaginary but friendly...lol

I like that line...

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Maybe the brother knew it was her all along?.....

No, definitely not...I don't want to share too much of her story, but...yeah, neither one of them had any idea who they were really chatting with.

 

[SilverBass]

Oh, holy hell...that was some honesty! Good job!

Now, I'm going to share another reason 'facial outing' might be important. This is a true story...my RL best friend created a profile on a chat site somewhere (no pics, just a description of your physical appearance and likes/dislikes). Also note that she was trying to be herself but still anonymous o she lied about her location and, of course, used a fake name. So, she met a man that she had a lot in common with. Started an online relationship with dirty talking, sharing sexual fantasies, and eventually cybersex or rp or whatever to get each other off through text chat only. After a couple months of this they got comfortable enough to ask for pics of each other. So, he decided he would be brave and go first. When the pic came through, I got a hysterical phone call in the middle of the night because her online lover turned out to be her brother! No joke! She obviously didn't reciprocate in the picture sharing and debated for some time on how to end it without spilling the beans or hurting his feelings. I think shes still traumatized to this day! It happened over seven years ago.

Holy hell..... AWKWARD! So I take it she went *poof* after some kind of goodbye. And he was left wondering, whatever happened to that great gal??!!