Get rid of a scary Dom.

[GreyEyedAthena]

Hi subs. I have a Dom who is starting to really scare me. His language and tone is too angry for me. I don't know how to get rid of him without angering him. Any tips?

A


Edited Dec 5: My situation is resolved, so don't worry about me. But please keep on posting if you have had similar experiences, have advice, etc. - A

 

[Penuche]

Hi subs. I have a Dom who is starting to really scare me. His language and tone is too angry for me. I don't know how to get rid of him without angering him. Any tips?

A

I hope there'll be somebody along with more exoerience than me, but...
Have yoy got a safeword or any type of agreement between you? If so, use it.

If he can't use enough selfcontrol to avoid scaring you this much, IMHO it's closer to abuse than D/S.

There has to be some sort of an escape route you can use, if only you can find it.

 

[GreyEyedAthena]

If you don't feel safe or trusting then get out. Leave that relationship. Is it an online thing or reality based?

It is online, but he knows just enough about me to make things incredibly difficult for me. I know it is my mistake, I know I've messed up. I will be frank here and say that there is another man who has entered the picture who has shown me what a good Dom can be, so I am realizing the huge difference.

I know. I'm an idiot. You don't have to tell me. But thank you all for your support already. It helps so much.

A

 

[GreyEyedAthena]

I hope there'll be somebody along with more exoerience than me, but...
Have yoy got a safeword or any type of agreement between you? If so, use it.

If he can't use enough selfcontrol to avoid scaring you this much, IMHO it's closer to abuse than D/S.

There has to be some sort of an escape route you can use, if only you can find it.

I am realizing that Dom is probably not at all the word for him. Our communication has been terrible and has been primarily limited to him spewing awfulness at me. He does occasionally soften (less and less all the time) but I realize that's just simple manipulation on his part. The scary part is, it worked on me for a while. I loved that softness, but he flips it back to nasty too fast. We have no safe words. I never even considered the need for them online. Another mistake.

This D/s world can be scary.

A

 

[Blase]

It is online, but he knows just enough about me to make things incredibly difficult for me.

Do you know enough about him to make things difficult in return?

If he insists on continuing or escalating his behavior, it may well be time to have the this could be considered harassment, or stalking conversation.

 

[GreyEyedAthena]

Do you know enough about him to make things difficult in return?

If he insists on continuing or escalating his behavior, it may well be time to have the this could be considered harassment, or stalking conversation.

Yes, but if I could know a tiny bit more I'd be in a better position...especially to have that conversation. I need to be better about making sure I keep the advantage there in the future.

A

 

[GreyEyedAthena]

Update! I think, thanks to some good advice received here and through PMs, I solved the problem. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say lesson learned. Thank you all so much!

 

[Blase]

Glad to hear that you feel safe now, Athena.

 

[Penuche]

Update! I think, thanks to some good advice received here and through PMs, I solved the problem. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say lesson learned. Thank you all so much!

Well done you, you're the one who did most of it, including realising that something just wasn't right and asking for help.

Very relieved that you're safe now. I don't think you'll make the same mistake again. BTW Athena's a useful patroness to have - listen to Her if/when you can.

 

[GreyEyedAthena]

Glad to hear that you feel safe now, Athena.

Well done you, you're the one who did most of it, including realising that something just wasn't right and asking for help.

Very relieved that you're safe now. I don't think you'll make the same mistake again. BTW Athena's a useful patroness to have - listen to Her if/when you can.

Thank you both! And yes, Pallas Athena is always nearby.

 

[EquinoxRising]

Hi subs. I have a Dom who is starting to really scare me. His language and tone is too angry for me. I don't know how to get rid of him without angering him. Any tips?

A

I once had a stalker-dom leave his wife and home and move into a townhome at my apartment complex. One day I was getting ready to go do some laundry back at my parent's house since I didn't have enough quarters... He said I could use his machine. I was hesitant. He said "no strings", so I came over. Well, naturally, he kept making advances and I wasn't in the mood for him. I said "no". Told him to stop. Et cetera. Of course, he wasn't taking no for an answer, so I looked him square in the eye and sarcastically said my safeword. Ya would have thought I slapped him across the face! So, I took my wet clothes out of his drier and walked back up to my apartment.

Over time I just ignored his calls and then he took the hint.




If your situation is a cyber-dom, put him on ignore.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I think you need to tell him how you feel and that you think it's not working out between the two of you. Regardless your opinion in the aftermath, this is someone who you welcomed into a part of your life that is presumably kept for special someones. That warrants a little honesty, I would think.
If you play games with him, go behind his back, or ignore him without explanation of how you feel.. he has a reason to feel betrayed. If you are honest, each of you can close this chapter of the book and carry on.

I don't know that I'd spend too much time worrying that you didn't have safe words unless you asked for one and he refused, which doesn't seem to be the case. It's also not really necessary to compare him to your someone new unless you already knew that you were looking for the things this new man is bringing to the table.. in which case, why would you have been with your previous?

Be honest. Come clean. Treat him the way you would want to be treated if someone was breaking up with you. You're not a Dom and a sub.. you're two people who happened to try something that didn't work.

http://i3.cpcache.com/product/1645694362/humankind_be_both_decal.jpg?height=225&width=225

 

[flyingtinopener]

Problem with online contacts

Sorry to hear that you have had problems with an online contact, there are arseholes everywhere, you can't be to careful, as a married bi male, I chat and sometimes meet with some guys from sites, but have some hard and fast rules that I will not break.

1 Never give them your real surname
2 Never meet anyone from your own home town
3 Never give them your landline number
4 Never tell them your address
5 Never meet in your own town.
If you remember this things, you can create a safety shield if thing don't work out,hope this is some help, hope things work out,

 

[Freya_Gin]

It is online, but he knows just enough about me to make things incredibly difficult for me. I know it is my mistake, I know I've messed up. I will be frank here and say that there is another man who has entered the picture who has shown me what a good Dom can be, so I am realizing the huge difference.

I know. I'm an idiot. You don't have to tell me. But thank you all for your support already. It helps so much.

A

I know you've said that the situation is resolved, but I hope you're reading this anyway. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF. It's not your fault that you trusted someone. Everyone has to trust someone sometime.

I made a similar mistake with a spiteful sub once. Yes, it can go the other way too. Yes, she knew more about me in real life than I should have let her know. But what's done is done and it's an experience I learned from. Nevertheless, I can't let that ruin the possibility of an intimate relationship in the future. No real relationship can be built without some degree of trust.

Sure, you shouldn't reveal too much about yourself online but you can't go without trusting someone forever. It's not your fault. If anything like that happened, it was the fault of the person who crossed that line into stalker territory, i.e., the abusive Dom, not you. Just be careful out there.

 

[MarianneRavenwood]

Tell him you are done, over text/phone/email if you are fearful for your safety. Tell him to stay away or you will call the police, follow through with that.

 

[Lord_Steve]

Thank you both! And yes, Pallas Athena is always nearby.

I'm very glad that you'd extricated yourself from that abusive relationship. Hove the winedark seas and find something better