How do I reduce my neediness?

[MissMaidenMinx]

I need to stop being needy. It's fucking with my ability to emotionally regulate.

So, a bit of context, I am married in a quite vanilla relationship. My husband is more than content with me partaking in online, preferably international play.

About a decade ago I had an amazing Master who passed away. It kinda broke me, and suppressed my libido. It was fucked up.

I recently got in back in contact with a long term on and off international playmate. His life doesn't allow him much time for me. Every time we play and we don't talk the next day I hit a serious low. Everyone else I have recently met starts out giving me a lot of attention, then it fades off to intermittent. I have a tendency to overthink and get in my own head and spiral.

Any tips on how to stop the need to be needy?

 

[FlyingThruLife]

I need to stop being needy. It's fucking with my ability to emotionally regulate.

So, a bit of context, I am married in a quite vanilla relationship. My husband is more than content with me partaking in online, preferably international play.

About a decade ago I had an amazing Master who passed away. It kinda broke me, and suppressed my libido. It was fucked up.

I recently got in back in contact with a long term on and off international playmate. His life doesn't allow him much time for me. Every time we play and we don't talk the next day I hit a serious low. Everyone else I have recently met starts out giving me a lot of attention, then it fades off to intermittent. I have a tendency to overthink and get in my own head and spiral.

Any tips on how to stop the need to be needy?

I would preface this by saying that I am far from a clinical therapist.

I think the way to stop being needy comes from a personal view, and is something that will never quite get filled.
I don't know you at all, and I don't want to throw too many assumptions out there. I am guessing that your need for attention would stem from something in your past that has taught you that you need something in order to feel desirable.

I think this question can go quite deep, and it really depends how internally you are willing to look to figure out.

If you want some help figuring it out, I'd be happy to chat about it, but I really don't think the public forum is the place to do that. Feel free to message me and we can chat more.


Whatever it is though, I hope you are able to figure it out. It is always important to be able to love yourself, and then to to amplify that by being loved by someone else.

 

[Noor]

I need to stop being needy. It's fucking with my ability to emotionally regulate.

So, a bit of context, I am married in a quite vanilla relationship. My husband is more than content with me partaking in online, preferably international play.

About a decade ago I had an amazing Master who passed away. It kinda broke me, and suppressed my libido. It was fucked up.

I recently got in back in contact with a long term on and off international playmate. His life doesn't allow him much time for me. Every time we play and we don't talk the next day I hit a serious low. Everyone else I have recently met starts out giving me a lot of attention, then it fades off to intermittent. I have a tendency to overthink and get in my own head and spiral.

Any tips on how to stop the need to be needy?

After care is a thing some people do and someone people don't get. Go with someone who meets your needs,
As for neediness, figure out what you need that your are not getting and find a way to get it. It could be you are just choosing the wrong partners.

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

I would preface this by saying that I am far from a clinical therapist.

I think the way to stop being needy comes from a personal view, and is something that will never quite get filled.
I don't know you at all, and I don't want to throw too many assumptions out there. I am guessing that your need for attention would stem from something in your past that has taught you that you need something in order to feel desirable.

I think this question can go quite deep, and it really depends how internally you are willing to look to figure out.

If you want some help figuring it out, I'd be happy to chat about it, but I really don't think the public forum is the place to do that. Feel free to message me and we can chat more.


Whatever it is though, I hope you are able to figure it out. It is always important to be able to love yourself, and then to to amplify that by being loved by someone else.

Thank you for your response. You've given me a lot to think about.

 

[FlyingThruLife]

Thank you for your response. You've given me a lot to think about.

Anytime.

I hate to put the tagline on, but I am definitely not registered to give therapeutic advice. However I have struggled with this as well, and found that once I was able to love myself, and at least start recognizing that I have accomplished certain things, and definitely deserve to be where I am, that I was actually able to stop seeking as much praise and attention as I had previously been.

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

After care is a thing some people do and someone people don't get. Go with someone who meets your needs,
As for neediness, figure out what you need that your are not getting and find a way to get it. It could be you are just choosing the wrong partners.

After care is basically essential IMO.

Finding someone who does it all well is easier said than done. And when I think about that I find myself grieving. The long term on and off playmate just has too much on his plate, and everyone more available I have met I just don't gel with enough.

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

Anytime.

I hate to put the tagline on, but I am definitely not registered to give therapeutic advice. However I have struggled with this as well, and found that once I was able to love myself, and at least start recognizing that I have accomplished certain things, and definitely deserve to be where I am, that I was actually able to stop seeking as much praise and attention as I had previously been.

It makes sense. It really does.

 

[Noor]

After care is basically essential IMO.

Finding someone who does it all well is easier said than done. And when I think about that I find myself grieving. The long term on and off playmate just has too much on his plate, and everyone more available I have met I just don't gel with enough.

You say a master, so I am assuming BDSM, a good master provides good aftercare, they don't take on more than they can provide.

 

[Strixaluco]

And the different views above are not options to each other but absolutely complementary.

Digging deep internally may, among other things, make you more picky when choosing partners. It may both make you stronger and set the bar higher, and be vulnerable.

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

You say a master, so I am assuming BDSM, a good master provides good aftercare, they don't take on more than they can provide.

The Master is the guy who passed away. He nailed giving me time, and care, and all the other wicked stimulation I needed. He was amazing.

The long term on again off again playmate is the one with time constraints. It's a challenging relationship.

I wasn't exactly clear in my original post. So met long term person, played a lot, took breaks, and always played again. During a break I met Master. I think we got about 18 months before he passed away suddenly. Libido died too. Recently got in touch with long term playmate, libido came back from the dead. Started looking for a new Dom, keep getting let down.
Hit broken promise from long term, possible ghosting from potential new Dom, and massive wave of grief about Master and now I am responding to a post I don't recall writing. It's a weird day.

 

[Noor]

The Master is the guy who passed away. He nailed giving me time, and care, and all the other wicked stimulation I needed. He was amazing.

The long term on again off again playmate is the one with time constraints. It's a challenging relationship.

I wasn't exactly clear in my original post. So met long term person, played a lot, took breaks, and always played again. During a break I met Master. I think we got about 18 months before he passed away suddenly. Libido died too. Recently got in touch with long term playmate, libido came back from the dead. Started looking for a new Dom, keep getting let down.
Hit broken promise from long term, possible ghosting from potential new Dom, and massive wave of grief about Master and now I am responding to a post I don't recall writing. It's a weird day.

Believe it or not, I understand. Grief is weird and it comes and goes when it likes. My take on time constraints based on my own long term on again and off again, is they find time when they want to, you can pull them back in, but after awhile, It's not worth it.
Plus if they break promises it's usually because they don't remember, which leads me to think alcohol finally rotting their brains or they are running too many women to remember. If they make you feel bad, let them go.
For me it's better to be without, then have to deal with that bullshit again, every though they could be great on a libido level. Also all relationships need to have after care to some extent, if they don't care enough to provide it, the hell with them.
Plenty of fish in the sea. Write yourself a lit personal ad and start auditioning. Be very specific as to what you want. Have some fun. I have an old ad floating about.

 

[Strixaluco]

and massive wave of grief about Master

How big part of your neediness atm is actually grief? We may react in weird ways while grieving. Give yourself time to overcome that.

What I've experienced myself and seen around me, it seems the odds of finding a balanced relationship while grieving deeply are not good, unfortunately.

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

And the different views above are not options to each other but absolutely complementary.

Digging deep internally may, among other things, make you more picky when choosing partners. It may both make you stronger and set the bar higher, and be vulnerable.

I agree.

Downside, I fucking hate digging deep internally. It gets very draining. Luckily, a few things came to mind pretty quickly that helped pull me out of my spiral.

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

How big part of your neediness atm is actually grief? We may react in weird ways while grieving. Give yourself time to overcome that.

What I've experienced myself and seen around me, it seems the odds of finding a balanced relationship while grieving deeply are not good, unfortunately.

Probably a big chunk of my neediness. The worst bit, he passed away 10 years ago. I have never had the space to grieve openly.

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

Believe it or not, I understand. Grief is weird and it comes and goes when it likes. My take on time constraints based on my own long term on again and off again, is they find time when they want to, you can pull them back in, but after awhile, It's not worth it.
Plus if they break promises it's usually because they don't remember, which leads me to think alcohol finally rotting their brains or they are running too many women to remember. If they make you feel bad, let them go.
For me it's better to be without, then have to deal with that bullshit again, every though they could be great on a libido level. Also all relationships need to have after care to some extent, if they don't care enough to provide it, the hell with them.
Plenty of fish in the sea. Write yourself a lit personal ad and start auditioning. Be very specific as to what you want. Have some fun. I have an old ad floating about

I completely agree. It's been 17 years though so hard to lose completely. It's an ego boost I guess. I sent him a message earlier asking him not to make promises, because that is part of what fucked me up today. We'll see how that goes.
My brain says let him go, my heart says let him stay, my libido says he's my life support at the moment!

 

[FlyingThruLife]

I completely agree. It's been 17 years though so hard to lose completely. It's an ego boost I guess. I sent him a message earlier asking him not to make promises, because that is part of what fucked me up today. We'll see how that goes.
My brain says let him go, my heart says let him stay, my libido says he's my life support at the moment!

Definitely all very tricky aspects to balance. Especially when you're libido sees him as a lifeline.

Defining what it is that you are looking for, and need is going to be a big step. Thankfully there are lots of people who are here to support you, and help you find what you are looking for.

 

[Strixaluco]

Probably a big chunk of my neediness. The worst bit, he passed away 10 years ago. I have never had the space to grieve openly.

So it's been terribly prolonged.

Not that grief ever goes totally away - but normally we grow around it so it seems smaller and more mellow over time.

I hope you have space to grief on your own. Here at least you have!

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

Definitely all very tricky aspects to balance. Especially when you're libido sees him as a lifeline.

Defining what it is that you are looking for, and need is going to be a big step. Thankfully there are lots of people who are here to support you, and help you find what you are looking for.

I'm hoping if I set new and strong boundaries that are respected, I might not have to give it up.
It's nice to talk about this all. No one in my day to day really gets it.

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

So it's been terribly prolonged.

Not that grief ever goes totally away - but normally we grow around it so it seems smaller and more mellow over time.

I hope you have space to grief on your own. Here at least you have!

I met him here on Lit so naturally, avoided here afterwards. It feels like things are coming full circle in a way.

Fuck I miss him though.

 

[FlyingThruLife]

I'm hoping if I set new and strong boundaries that are respected, I might not have to give it up.
It's nice to talk about this all. No one in my day to day really gets it.

It is hard, most things in life worth doing are. But you are absolutely correct, I can talk about things here that I cannot discuss with others in my life, and it is a true gift.
We definitely support you Minx, and we all wish nothing but the best for you.

 

[Strixaluco]

I met him here on Lit so naturally, avoided here afterwards. It feels like things are coming full circle in a way.

Fuck I miss him though.

So maybe coming here means working on the grief, probably. You don't really get through grief by avoiding it... Though at times you need to pace it.

It's totally ok to not be ok and miss him

 

[Noor]

I completely agree. It's been 17 years though so hard to lose completely. It's an ego boost I guess. I sent him a message earlier asking him not to make promises, because that is part of what fucked me up today. We'll see how that goes.
My brain says let him go, my heart says let him stay, my libido says he's my life support at the moment!

Mine was closer to 20, but I understand. I also had a major death when he came back in. I've never walked away from him like this before, but I just clicked off, he could make agreements, and then it was as if they never happened. I lost belief in him as a person.
I really enjoyed him, libido wise he was a great, I liked him as a person, but I'd rather go without anyone that deal with a person whose word is meaningless.
I'd go with what your brain says. there are plenty of guys here, audition them all if you must.

 

[Strixaluco]

My brain says let him go, my heart says let him stay, my libido says he's my life support at the moment!

I suspect you need to let him go to have space do someone better.

You're worth someone who is true to his word.

 

[Noor]

I'm hoping if I set new and strong boundaries that are respected, I might not have to give it up.
It's nice to talk about this all. No one in my day to day really gets it.

That is what started me going off with him, I was reading a book on Boundaries called Set Boundaries, find peace by Nedra Glover. It suggests you look at your boundaries and it occurred to me that he was not respecting them on several levels, and I thought maybe mine weren't clear, but as I looked at it more in depth, mine were clear, he was just not respecting them, and I thought I don't really have any other boundary issues except him. I recommend you look at the book, I got it as an ebook out of my library. It might make things clearer.

 

[Noor]

I suspect you need to let him go to have space do someone better.

You're worth someone who is true to his word.

That is a very good point. I had more time and room for others afterwards. I use it on people I care about and care about me.