A beginners guide for contacting women

[KatieDoes]

I assume you mean Descartes. I prefer Pascal.

I need not "paraphrase" but can actually quote SteelPointius verbatim: "life is too short always to be giving the benefit of the doubt on moronic websites".

If it looks like a con, feels like a con and acts like a con...

So says the con with 47 alt accounts (who all hate women)

 

[KatieDoes]

I have listed to your perspective and acknowledged a woman's perspective read my posts again...I get it. You have failed to acknowledged my perspective that it would be a courtesy.

You are free to believe it to be a courtesy. You are free to behave in a way that you believe to be courteous. You are not free to compel women to appease you by acting the way you feel entitled to them to behave.


You laughed at my suggestion to try existing here as a woman, but it wasn’t a joke. Women don’t respond to unsolicited messages for a reason. As much as we are conditioned by society to be polite and nice, even to our own detriment, most women who have spent a considerable amount of time here are hesitant to reply or even acknowledge unsolicited messages we receive. Instead of telling us why we should, try learning why we don’t.

 

[Meekly_Anna]

Ok this was too harsh. My apologies. I wont delete because I enjoy looking back at the dumb things I say sometimes.

My dear and esteemed discussant,

Of course, and I admit this openly, I was tempted for a moment to pour out the bowl of my wrath on you. I do not appreciate being addressed as ‘shut up’ in any way.

But that would be exactly what I'm trying to avoid.

Also, I could blather on about what bad company you must be domesticated in if that's your primary response in a thread I've written with so much enjoyment (and I liked to mention at this point how pleased I am that others are enjoying it as well).

But you would think, rightly so, that I'm writing this just to hit you, to hurt you.

I don't really want that either.

Here, in the abyss of the internet, we tend to forget that what we see on our screens is written by real people who have feelings just like we do. If you were to make a stupid pass at me in a pub, I wouldn't immediately jump in your face with my bare arse either.

OK, if you think about it, this is a forum about fucking: I mean that figuratively.

Thank you for having the decency to apologise.

 

[Meekly_Anna]

Everyone,
I understand if it's frustrating to write to someone and not get a reply. That's not nice. I almost always try to reply unless someone sends me pictures of their genitals.

I also understand if someone doesn't want to reply, no matter how nicely they write to you. I've always been lucky so far and got a reply, but as I said, I understand if someone doesn't reply. Some people even write in that they don't want to be contacted, but honestly, does everyone read that? I don't get the impression.

Why don't you imagine you've bumped into each other in the pub and the other person has said something you totally disagree with? What would you do? Start a fight? Or turn round and talk to someone else?

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Hey folks, this is a helpful forum and this is a REALLY helpful thread. If you’re a man and this thread makes you feel defensive, please take a look inside and consider why that is happening. Attacking people or trolling in this forum will get you banned from threads. If that’s how you want to be, take it to the General Board. It’s not welcome here.

 

[calmlikeabomb]

Speaking as a CXO, I get a metric fuck ton of B2B spam everyday, and all of them do me the common courtesy of addressing me by my name, but if I responded to every single one of them, I'd go mad, even if it was just to tell them to stop spamming me.

And if we assume that the ratio of men to women here is 20:1 (conservative IMO) then the amount of unsolicited messages a woman might get would get frustrating real soon.

So yeah, I'm with the ladies on this one.

 

[RP_Goals]

Since you both seem unwilling or unable to listen to the perspective of women, I would invite you to spend some time on this site as a woman. Create an account with a woman’s name, leave your status set to visible, use a marginally attractive photo as your avatar, and get back to me in a month.

I'm so sorry I don't know why I thought you were taking about me. Guilty conscience I guess. .my mistake.

 

[RP_Goals]

Speaking as a CXO, I get a metric fuck ton of B2B spam everyday, and all of them do me the common courtesy of addressing me by my name, but if I responded to every single one of them, I'd go mad, even if it was just to tell them to stop spamming me.

And if we assume that the ratio of men to women here is 20:1 (conservative IMO) then the amount of unsolicited messages a woman might get would get frustrating real soon.

So yeah, I'm with the ladies on this one.

It's a numbers game.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

It's a numbers game.

It’s really an asshat game. Full stop. Spamming women here is a problem. Don’t do it. Meaningful messages make sense, and are more likely (but not remotely guaranteed) to receive a response. Women participating in the forums at Lit do not inherently consent to being spammed with dick pics and aggressive sexual messages. The men who send them are a problem.

Engaging with others in the forums is much more likely to lead to actual connection here, but when one’s post history is antagonistic from the jump, that’s really not likely either.

 

[calmlikeabomb]

It's a numbers game.

A b2b marketer/spammer said something similar to me.

If you chase after butterflies, you may catch one, or you may not. Either way, you might end up tired and resentful (and believe me, I know, I was there too)

But if you build a garden, butterflies might choose to come by themselves, and then you can better appreciate how amazing they can be. But even if the butterflies don't come, it'll always be better to have built a garden.

 

[Meekly_Anna]

A b2b marketer/spammer said something similar to me.

If you chase after butterflies, you may catch one, or you may not. Either way, you might end up tired and resentful (and believe me, I know, I was there too)

But if you build a garden, butterflies might choose to come by themselves, and then you can better appreciate how amazing they can be. But even if the butterflies don't come, it'll always be better to have built a garden.

That's the best explanation for the bees and flowers....
Wait
....
That would be a harem.
You horndog.

 

[Bi4Older84]

A b2b marketer/spammer said something similar to me.

If you chase after butterflies, you may catch one, or you may not. Either way, you might end up tired and resentful (and believe me, I know, I was there too)

But if you build a garden, butterflies might choose to come by themselves, and then you can better appreciate how amazing they can be. But even if the butterflies don't come, it'll always be better to have built a garden.

This is the best way to approach things-don't make it about how to "contact women"-focus on how to make yourself someone that THEY want to reach out to. Make yourself stand out in the boards by being interesting and engaging. There are PLENTY of women on Lit who would love to engage with a real man/woman/person, but on THEIR terms. Being polite should be the default-but you have to realize that most women have dig through MOUNTAINS of dogshit messages just to find a diamond in the rough. Make yourself appealing, and I guarantee that you will see that people will find you interesting and want to engage with you. It may take time, but it can definitely be worth the work

 

[calmlikeabomb]

That's the best explanation for the bees and flowers....
Wait
....
That would be a harem.
You horndog.

Please no

I lead a team of 20+ at work and right now the only harem I want and have the energy for is a harem of soft cushy pillows I can sink in.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

A guy asked me last year in a DM if I could give him advice on contacting women here on lit, he wanted to be respectful.

"Be yourself, chat with them a bit in the forums, and even ask them if you can message them directly, the right woman will come along"...

((He ended up being my lit crush))

So, you never know who you will get on your line.. Once you cast it out..

(ETA: we had been chatting openly in a thread before he messaged me)

 

[velona]

I’m not sure about responding but I do think this is an important discussion so if anyone on this thread, or any future readers are interested, here are my thoughts.

Before I start, I want to be clear that this is NOT a request for private messages!!

First, I’m relatively new here. Upon my account being activated, I got a bunch of PMs. I was not at all expecting that at all.

Did I respond to all of them? I did not. Two main reasons:

1. Some men take a response, even a polite “no thanks” as an invitation to a negotiation. To be fair, this has not happened to me here, but as I said I was totally new here and did not know what the culture was like and didn’t want to appear to be opening a line of communication.
2. I think sending a low-effort, low information message is more rude than ignoring one. It doesn’t make sense to respond to “hi”, “what are you into?” or “are you female?” Do men honestly expect responses to each of these messages? If I get a flyer in the mail asking “Do you need your gutters cleaned?” Would you expect me to call and say no thanks? I’m sure some people do want heir gutters cleaned and would respond to the flyer (surely there is some ROI) but most people are going to trash it and that should be expected.

I’ll also say that I also got thoughtful messages from a few people that I did respond to and I appreciated those interactions.

 

[KatieDoes]

A guy asked me last year in a DM if I could give him advice on contacting women here on lit, he wanted to be respectful.

"Be yourself, chat with them a bit in the forums, and even ask them if you can message them directly, the right woman will come along"...

((He ended up being my lit crush))

So, you never know who you will get on your line.. Once you cast it out..

(ETA: we had been chatting openly in a thread before he messaged me)

This is such an important distinction. So often the conversation here revolves around ‘how do I get the women here to do what I want?’ instead of ‘how can I be more appealing to the women here?’

Two very different questions, but with very similar answers. (If they actually hear them)

 

[Noor]

Speaking as a CXO, I get a metric fuck ton of B2B spam everyday, and all of them do me the common courtesy of addressing me by my name, but if I responded to every single one of them, I'd go mad, even if it was just to tell them to stop spamming me.

And if we assume that the ratio of men to women here is 20:1 (conservative IMO) then the amount of unsolicited messages a woman might get would get frustrating real soon.

So yeah, I'm with the ladies on this one.

I think conservatively the ratio is more like 1000 to 1 or higher though some might be new alts. Probably not as high as Ashley Madison had At it’s fall but up there.

 

[cdstefi]

Since you both seem unwilling or unable to listen to the perspective of women, I would invite you to spend some time on this site as a woman. Create an account with a woman’s name, leave your status set to visible, use a marginally attractive photo as your avatar, and get back to me in a month.

I have done precisely that before, as a sort of social experiment rather than any kind of serious attempt at catfishing. Doesn't matter if you do it on a vanilla dating site, a sex chat site or whatever. If you present as an attractive or even unattractive but just possibly available woman, the deluge of idiotic, monosyllabic and knuckle dragging male attention is overwhelming.

Even presenting as a lingerie-loving but non-sissy bisexual male (my real identity) still gets plenty of unsolicited attention from gormless incel "tranny chasers" (I'm not even remotely trans and certainly not a woman-substitute).

 

[Meekly_Anna]

When I started this threat, there were a few replies, but I had fun.
I admit, I didn't expect such a lively discussion after such a long break.
I'm glad.

 

[SmokingFap]

As frustrating as I am sure it is for women who are inundated with rude and unwanted messages it can be as equally frustrated for good guys to reach out using courtesy and get no response.

As the Dread Pirate Roberts would say, get used to disappointment. Or as the Rolling Stones would say, you can't always get what you want. You just aren't going to hear back from everyone you contact, no matter how polite you are. As Bruce Hornsby might say, that's just the way it is.

 

[KatieDoes]

When I started this threat, there were a few replies, but I had fun.
I admit, I didn't expect such a lively discussion after such a long break.
I'm glad.

Nothing sparks controversy on Lit quite like the radical idea that women are entire people with agency and their own opinions instead of objects who exist simply as accessories to men.

 

[KatieDoes]

I think conservatively the ratio is more like 1000 to 1 or higher though some might be new alts. Probably not as high as Ashley Madison had At its fall but up there.

Most of the women who have messaged me privately over the years aren’t visible in the forums. They have their settings on invisible, and don’t participate publicly. So while the ratio definitely skews primarily male, I think there are a lot more women here than most realize.

 

[runtandmore]

Normally I get messaged after I post somewhere. Depending on the responses I won't advertise being on line for awhile.
However, if I didn't want attention I would change my pic

 

[SmokingFap]

Normally I get messaged after I post somewhere. Depending on the responses I won't advertise being on line for awhile.
However, if I didn't want attention I would change my pic

Good philosophy and well said.

 

[Noor]

Most of the women who have messaged me privately over the years aren’t visible in the forums. They have their settings on invisible, and don’t participate publicly. So while the ratio definitely skews primarily male, I think there are a lot more women here than most realize.

I could say the same about most men who contact me…