The beauty of submissive men

[MsAmative]

Unfortunately that type of Domme is underrepresented against the dirth and plethora of leatherclad ballbusting stereotypical dominatrixes...dominatrices...(What's the plural of dominatrix).

I sometimes wonder if women by and large think the way to assert their power and dominance over any man is to conform to the stereotype of a dominatrix.

I wonder if they're uncertain how to maintain a soft and caring and feminine side while also maintaining their dominance over a man. I wonder if it stems from gender related norms of our society that makes them think the only way to exert power over another is to be the biggest baddest bitch any would want to meet.

Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree here. It is a big possibility.

But what do you guys think? Do societal views on the roles of women have any bearing on how women see femdom in general or more specific terms?

I have lost count of how many times I have been told "you are too nice/understanding to be a dominant" or something similar. In my opinion I have met too many men who are looking for that stereotypical femdom. They aren't interested in anything else, some of them do seem to come around slightly with time but when it comes down to it people want what they want. For some people the softer side is not dominance... just comes down to compatibility. I think many just want the more aggressive type of domination, perhaps because its the form of dominance they know. Perhaps it all comes down to one's definition of what dominance is. Femdoms are always expected by most to become an erotic figure in one way or another. If you cannot fit those guidelines... you aren't dominant. Sometimes that means if you don't fit the obvious you aren't one.

There might be some that do eventually conform to that stereotype to get what they want, and there may be some who see that as the only possibility. When I first started to explore my own interests femdom on the internet was almost non-existent. Never gave it a thought - barely knew it existed. That is not the way it is now, and while the harsher side is more prevalent the softer side does exist. Granted you will see that more as female-led than "femdom" and it doesn't have to be mixed within the bdsm side of things.

They way we view women will always change the way we view relationships... life shapes how we categorize everything in our world and our expectations of it.

 

[just4friends]

dominant...

I just want a relationship where if she wants something, she knows she can "take it" But, I get that I have to make that OK..
Facesitting is a no brainer. I can give and give... or.. be taken and taken.. she can continue her pleasure for her needs as long as she wants and I will be happy as a clam...
Harder to take what she wants from my cock when my orgasm can disrupt her pleasure...

Would a chin strapped dildo (or... mouth held one...) be of interest to those who have discovered they like taking the top for oral?

 

[Netzach]

don't overanalyze it. Some of us just need to have our balls crushed and treated like filth. No brainer there folks

Like button.

I have such femme fail sometimes.

 

[ARoseSoSweet]

Subbing to this thread

I have not read the entire thing, I will admit that. I am exploring this side of me but definitely do not see me as the stereotype either, leather clad. I have discovered a bit of sadist in me (laces and clothespins are fun!) but I have not had much real life experience.

 

[policywank]

Unfortunately that type of Domme is underrepresented against the dirth and plethora of leatherclad ballbusting stereotypical dominatrixes...dominatrices...(What's the plural of dominatrix).

I sometimes wonder if women by and large think the way to assert their power and dominance over any man is to conform to the stereotype of a dominatrix.

I wonder if they're uncertain how to maintain a soft and caring and feminine side while also maintaining their dominance over a man. I wonder if it stems from gender related norms of our society that makes them think the only way to exert power over another is to be the biggest baddest bitch any would want to meet.

Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree here. It is a big possibility.

But what do you guys think? Do societal views on the roles of women have any bearing on how women see femdom in general or more specific terms?

I think both genders are bombarded with society's views of how we should behave and what we should like. And in fact society tries to enforce and impose those views upon us. That is a bit strident but even as we dig deep on a site like this we find multiple layers of false assumptions that we didn't even know we had and outside influences that we barely noticed.

The net result is that we are unintentionally taught to be followers in order to garner acceptance. Even those of us who see ourselves as independent are often just following a non-mainstream lead. And many of us who resist what we see as the forces of conformity are equally strident and narrow-minded in how we respond thereby unintentionally pushing other's to conform to our view of the world.

However, how we interpret our influences varies a lot. We each take something different from the influences around us be they stereotypes or thoughtful reflection. We see how our views differ from the norm but frequently overlook the fact that everyone else has unique views as well.

The challenge is to learn from others yet somehow be ourselves. Reading about the role of the Dom from a female perspective, chatting with people on here and interacting with Subs provides perspectives that allow us to get our bearings. But if we take that input as instructive rather than informative we are soon following and trying to reconcile what we are experiencing with what the "guide" says.

Back to the societal pressure thing I think we are a bit too programmed to sign onto one philosophy or another. I don't know why, but I think it has to do with needing acceptance. I think this presents a challenge for a Dom because their greatest responsibility is to respond to their Sub's needs. Only the Dom has full access to her Sub and like all human beings he is far more complex than a single philosophy. To lead I must be the final word in all matters that relate to him and I cannot let any outside influence drive my thinking or create doubt.

Whether I put on a leather corset and spank him because that is what the stereotype is or adopt a more feminine and gentle approach because that is what appeals to women I am in some measure following rather than leading. All those outside factors are informative and interesting and provide perspective. Then I set them aside and look only at my Sub and I and what works for us. If we contradict anything I have heard outside our circle of two it matters not at all and deserves not a second thought.......otherwise I am trying to lead while following and that doesn't work.

 

[BiTodd]

I love my girlfriend and have made it clear that she can do with me as she pleases. But the conundrum is that she wants to give herself to me just as completely. Life is good!

 

[bailadora]

Femdoms are always expected by most to become an erotic figure in one way or another. If you cannot fit those guidelines... you aren't dominant.

Reminds me of these posts: You iz doin' it wrong and How to be demanding. (Yes, more Ferns links, but I did say much of what she had to say resonates with me.)

When I first started looking more into female dominance, much of what I found didn't fit me (a lot still doesn't) and lead to a lot of doubt. The linked posts above were a bit of an "a-ha" moment, and were a huge help in creating my filter.

 

[MikeD93]

I love being a submissive man, when the girl takes control i love it

 

[Erochic]

Reminds me of these posts: You iz doin' it wrong and How to be demanding. (Yes, more Ferns links, but I did say much of what she had to say resonates with me.)

When I first started looking more into female dominance, much of what I found didn't fit me (a lot still doesn't) and lead to a lot of doubt. The linked posts above were a bit of an "a-ha" moment, and were a huge help in creating my filter.

Oh brilliant! Great links

I liked this:

"So to the question: how do you demand something?

HOWEVER YOU FUCKING WANT!!

You know what I like? Men who pay attention and look for ways to make me happy, men who will smile with delight when I ask them politely for something and jump up to do it, not men who look for excuses to *not* make me happy because “you iz doin’ it wrong”. "

This reminds me of something the other day when I asked for something in a very polite almost tentative way, and he smiled and said "yes of course!"
I then laughed and rephrased it as an order with a big grin on my face.

 

[bailadora]

Oh brilliant! Great links

I liked this:

"So to the question: how do you demand something?

HOWEVER YOU FUCKING WANT!!

You know what I like? Men who pay attention and look for ways to make me happy, men who will smile with delight when I ask them politely for something and jump up to do it, not men who look for excuses to *not* make me happy because “you iz doin’ it wrong”. "

This reminds me of something the other day when I asked for something in a very polite almost tentative way, and he smiled and said "yes of course!"
I then laughed and rephrased it as an order with a big grin on my face.

You're welcome. This, in particular, struck home:

My response is really about all the times I hear “She’s not dominant enough” in some way. It just pisses me off on behalf of every Domme who gets that message in whatever way it’s delivered, and then tries to twist herself into a ‘more dominant’ shape based on those messages. No, fuck you, she is dominant enough, now either get with the program and fucking submit or GTFO!

That last line, especially. It took me awhile to figure out there wasn't anything wrong with me, it was more a matter of incompatible desires.

 

[LucianDevine]

Hey guys, I don't normally dabble in these OOC threads, but this is a thread that my Mistress brought to my attention.

There is an element to all relationships, particularly d's relationships that people need to remember. COMMUNICATION. I will freely admit that when I first got interested in this lifestyle, I envisioned and wanted the stereotypical 24/7 lifestyle. In addition to that, I found myself wanting several other things, I won't go into specifics unless people want me to.

When I finally took my interest in bdsm to a real and physical level though, I realized that I either didn't want, or couldn't handle a fair bit of the stereotypical lifestyle. For starters, it's almost impossible to maintain a 24/7 lifestyle, unless one person, likely the dom(me), makes enough money to support a stay-at-home sub. Assuming that this isn't feasible, and both the dom(me) and sub have to work, other aspects of the relationship have to change as well. For example, both my Mistress and I work full time jobs. Our jobs make it impossible to maintain a 24/7 lifestyle, which is actually for the best, because both of us discovered fairly early on, that that wasn't something that we actually wanted.

The fact that both of us work also leads to other complications. There are times where one or the other of us is horny and would like some type of play or scene. We can't do either as often as we would like though, because it's not uncommon for one or the other of us to just not be in the mood. Similarly, even if both of us are in the mood, it's also very likely that one of us is simply too worn out from work that they don't have the energy for it.

These things bring me back to my original point, communication. Communication is naturally important to any relationship, but it is particularly important in a d's relationship. Situations like this often arise, and if the two of us don't communicate with each other, it would be easy for one of us to get frustrated with the other. As it stands though, we can speak openly about pretty much everything, and this helps us push past the barriers that our everyday lives throw at us. Both of us are willing to accept the reason why the other person can't do what we want them to do. Accepting why we can't scene as often as we like actually makes us appreciate the scenes and play sessions that we are able to work in that much more.

I know that this is turning into more of a rant that I wanted it to be, but there is still one more point that I want to address, and that is benevolent dom(me)s. Simply put, you don't have to be a leather-clad whip wielding stereotype to be a dom(me). Being a dom(me) is just as much about taking care of your sub as it is dominating them.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

*subscribed*


Erochic~

Thank you for your obviously thoughtful and compassionate thread.

I will be passing along the link to a number of my male sub friends who have long been needing to hear the encouragement that this thread brings.

Also, I will be posting a link in my sigline. Might I suggest you do the same?


Honey

 

[Erochic]

*subscribed*


Erochic~

Thank you for your obviously thoughtful and compassionate thread.

I will be passing along the link to a number of my male sub friends who have long been needing to hear the encouragement that this thread brings.

Also, I will be posting a link in my sigline. Might I suggest you do the same?


Honey

Thank you so much

And thank you to everybody who has posted such interesting thoughtful comments

 

[NYC_Man]

This.

THIS!

This x 1000

I'll also add what I've said in the face sitting thread more than once... If you want your wife/girlfriend/partner to be more dominant - ask her to be and support her.
It took me years to know that this is what I really want and it is okay to go for it even though I'm not really a shy and retiring person.

It took someone telling me how much he enjoyed it and how much he wanted it... To give me the confidence that it really was okay.

Yeah you might really want her to tell you to do it, rather than you asking for it .... But if it gets you what you want and gets her confident with doing it - who cares.
She may not end up being into it, but maybe she might - it's worth a try.

My ex got me into face sitting by pulling me on top during 69 .... And then just getting me to sit up... I was pretty tentative at first but he kept on encouraging me about how much he loved it and that I wasn't going to hurt him.

I have always enjoyed being dominant of course - and had played a little with it .... But that strong encouragement was what made it possible for me to really own it.

you got some beautiful girls there
especially with no bra on

 

[Erochic]

you got some beautiful girls there
especially with no bra on

Indeed I do.

I'm not sure how that is relevant to this conversation but your admiration is noted.

 

[MikeD93]

I love being told what to do and have them use me as their boy toy. I like not having to think and pleasing her

 

[kindlykinky]

Indeed I do.

I'm not sure how that is relevant to this conversation but your admiration is noted.

Exactly what I was thinking when I read that.

*thoughtful conversation about thread topic*

"Hey nice boobs"

.....

 

[kindlykinky]

I love being told what to do and have them use me as their boy toy. I like not having to think and pleasing her

Hey, that's great. But you've already stated that once in this thread. This isn't a hookup thread, I'm pretty sure. Might want to check out personals section.

 

[Erochic]

Exactly what I was thinking when I read that.

*thoughtful conversation about thread topic*

"Hey nice boobs"

.....

I think it was one of those see boobs brain shuts off moments

I've realised that one thing I really enjoy about submissive men is the control... Their own self-control, even when they want to do something with every fiber of their being, give into the brain shuts off animal moment .... But they control it even through gritted teeth.

 

[MikeD93]

Hey, that's great. But you've already stated that once in this thread. This isn't a hookup thread, I'm pretty sure. Might want to check out personals section.

Oops my bad i forgot i posted it already. No harm intended.

 

[LucianDevine]

I've realised that one thing I really enjoy about submissive men is the control... Their own self-control, even when they want to do something with every fiber of their being, give into the brain shuts off animal moment .... But they control it even through gritted teeth.

I can say from experience that that is not an easy thing to do. It's not as difficult if I'm bound, duh, but when I'm not secured to anything, and she says not to do something that I really REALLY want to do, it's an epic internal struggle. She's also told me that it's amusing to watch, lol.

 

[SlutAddicted]

I think it was one of those see boobs brain shuts off moments

I've realised that one thing I really enjoy about submissive men is the control... Their own self-control, even when they want to do something with every fiber of their being, give into the brain shuts off animal moment .... But they control it even through gritted teeth.

Obedience to your instructions includes patiently waiting for them. Admiration of your beautiful body is a privilege for which appreciation is best expressed through a quiet and diligent commitment to service, respect and submission......unless instructed otherwise.

 

[policywank]

I think it was one of those see boobs brain shuts off moments

I've realised that one thing I really enjoy about submissive men is the control... Their own self-control, even when they want to do something with every fiber of their being, give into the brain shuts off animal moment .... But they control it even through gritted teeth.

Yes, exactly this. True control is demonstrated not by the ferocity of the mistress's commands but by the ease, simplicity and subtleness with which she asserts her control. The slightest gesture or look directed to a Sub who knows what is expected of him and complies without drawing further attention to himself.

 

[Erochic]

I can say from experience that that is not an easy thing to do. It's not as difficult if I'm bound, duh, but when I'm not secured to anything, and she says not to do something that I really REALLY want to do, it's an epic internal struggle. She's also told me that it's amusing to watch, lol.

It's not only amusing (in a shared feeling of wicked amusement)... It's really hot and arousing

It's like the tough hero biting on the bullet so he doesn't flinch

But there's those little signs like the look in his eye, the small beads if sweat, the bite of a lip, the clench of the fists, the exhalation, the muscles moving under the skin...

 

[LucianDevine]

My Mistress definitely enjoys the show, lol. She also enjoys the reactions that her actions cause. Sometimes it's me squirming, other times it's me fighting against my bonds for whatever reason, and sometimes it's my attempts to stay still and silent, despite what she's doing to me at the time.