bdsm & children

[Brand_New_Dom28]

my sub girlfriend has 3 children. our relationship has been long distance. and few meetings. we are talking about moving in together in a couple months. how do you live your lifestyle out with your children? do u hide it from them? do u talk to them about it?

 

[intothewoods]

Your sub is ok with you moving in with her three kids after only knowing you for a few months, and having met them only a couple of times? Big. Red. Flag.

Anyway, no, I don't discuss my sex life or the intimate nature of my relationship with my kids.

 

[babydollie]

Yes. yes yes...Daddy and I are very open with our children. It has opened the door for my 14 year old to talk to us about anything sexually...and I do mean anything!....It is who we are and our home is everyone's safe place...here you can be yourself no hold's barred!...giggles..

 

[vintage63]

NO! Keep the kids out of it. Talk to them about relationships and safe sex but then the journey is theirs. My sex life is none of their business. I don't need to tell them the details of my sex life for them to be able to come to me and have healthy talks about sex. We have great talks at the dinner table without talking about me.
cheers

 

[babydollie]

Well then there you have the answer to your question. Everyone must find their own way, what feels most comfortable to them and their experiences and wisdom gained through those experiences. That is truly the very best we can do and to judge or feel judged because someone else feels and does things differently is truly a waste because life is beautiful because of our differences.

 

[Stella_Omega]

There is a difference between telling your children about sex, and telling your children about the sex that you have.

I grew up in an openly sexual family, in that I understood that sex was something grownups did. My children were given the same lesson.

My kids grew up with queer aunties and uncles, with grownups who, one day asked to be called 'she' instead of 'he' and listened to their parents respect that request. They hear me play agony aunt to couples that were made of two men, or two women, or one woman and one man... and "couples" that had more than two members. My daughter learned to braid leather when i was apprenticing with Joe Wheeler.

But the details-- no. And the details of BDSM? Abso-fucking-lutely not. They did NOT hear about mommy's strapon or why, exactly, our friend Patrick kept our house so neat and tidy. Those details are not for little ears-- or for any ears beyond those personally concerned.

 

[DVS]

my sub girlfriend has 3 children. our relationship has been long distance. and few meetings. we are talking about moving in together in a couple months. how do you live your lifestyle out with your children? do u hide it from them? do u talk to them about it?

It might be just me, but it seems like a bold move to move in so soon. If it were just your sub, that might be different, but when 3 kids are also involved, that's a lot of personalities being shoved together all at once.

In everyone's best interest, I'd wait until you know her better, as well as her kids and they can get to know you. Look at this from their point of view. You are a virtual stranger to them. All of you might be very open people but if you want this to work, I'd take it slower to allow a bond to grow in its own time.

As for telling kids about your sex life, I'd say there are limits. Sure, be open with them when they have questions, but only to a point. Any individual's sex life is personal to them and their partner. And frankly, I would never want to know about my parent's sexual doings, or even my sibling's sexual tendencies.

Children should live their own lives and evolve sexually in their own time. Not everybody matures at the same rate and I think giving more information to a naive mind too early in life can sometimes cause phobias, if not mental trauma.

Now, with saying this, I know everybody is different. I'm sure there are some families where more is shared with the children than I'm OK with sharing. That's their choice just like I know families that leave the door open when they use the bathroom. And because I'm not a psychiatrist or mental therapist, I'd never say what I believe is the only method of bringing up your kids. We're all individuals, so decisions such as these are also individual.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Well, he didn't say the relationship was only a few months old, but that they'll be moving in in a few months.

But I'd also vote with a hell no to giving kids details. Answer any questions they may have about sex in general, but no, you don't need to give them a blow by blow of your personal dynamics.

 

[Brand_New_Dom28]

my girlfriend and kids live 5 hours away. Due to gas prices we've only seen eachother twice in the five month relationship. We are practicing a 24/7 bdsm lifestyle. Our practice of dom/sub is not just in the bedroom. I asked because her children will see their mother acting much different then they've seen before. I'm guessing not long the oldest age 8 will be having questions about her mothers submissive attitude all of a sudden.

 

[BiBunny]

You've been in a "24/7 relationship" for five months, during which you've only seen each other twice, and you're already talking about moving in together?

The children are the least of your worries.

 

[Stella_Omega]

my girlfriend and kids live 5 hours away. Due to gas prices we've only seen eachother twice in the five month relationship. We are practicing a 24/7 bdsm lifestyle. Our practice of dom/sub is not just in the bedroom. I asked because her children will see their mother acting much different then they've seen before. I'm guessing not long the oldest age 8 will be having questions about her mothers submissive attitude all of a sudden.

I think this is a really fucking bad idea.

I can't even begin to list the ways this creeps me out.

IFFFF she was childless-- sure, 24/7 all you want.

But SHE HAS KIDS, and like it or not the kids have got to come first.
And they will in society's estimation and I can just about guarantee that child protection services will show up at her door if her behavior in front of her kids suddenly is hugely different. An eight year old is perfectly capable of knowing that mommy is acting weird. And a school official is perfectly capable of interpreting mommy's weird behavior in ways that you wont like.

I'm sorry you aren't going to get to act out your sex games all day, but grow up. She has responsibilities to some small people -- who are unable to protect themselves, and who rely, absolutely, on her to do that. If you're moving in with a woman with three kids, you had better be able to be a father to three kids. otherwise (and I betcha this is what's next) she will realise that now she has... four kids. One of whom isn't so necessary.

Oh my effin ghawd, I don't care what adults do when they're alone, but no. She does NOT call you "master" when the kids are around, she does NOT kneel with the paper in her mouth or whatever proto-fucking-col you've got planned.

Life, dude. This is real life. Not some goddamned paperback novel. Figure it out, Learn to do like the thousands of married couples also do, and compromise. You get to 24/7 on weekends when grandma takes the kids, just like every other adult couple with children.

 

[marieR19]

Totally and completely agree with Stella.

Kids change the game completely. Kids *always* come first. And a 24/7 bdsm lifestyle with a woman you've spent so little time with, with *children* in the mix... That is a recipe for disaster. Big, legal-type disaster.

Think outside the bdsm-world. If a kid suddenly sees their mommy acting all obedient/submissive to this strange person who just suddenly came into their lives, they will have questions. They will have questions of the "what's wrong with mommy?" varity. And those questions will be answered with child services, law enforcement, etc. Because that is exactly what *abuse* looks like from the outside.

You don't know this woman. You don't know these kids. They don't know you, or have any reason to trust you. Why on *earth* would you even think about turning their lives upside down this way?

 

[a75]

Moving in together won't be easy. It' ll be difficult because you haven't been together for enough time, and even more difficult because you 'll be with 3 children. Therefore, don't make it TOO difficult by combining those radical changes in your (and their) lives with such sexual education.

What I mean is that you should proceed carefully. Your first care should be to make the new environment comfortable for her children. It won't be easy for them to accept the "invasion" of a new man in their life. Why should you risk even more consequences, by revealing them that mummy is "tortured" etc? Don't tell me that they won't mind because she likes to be tortured; the question isn't what actually happens, but what the kids will understand.

 

[Kurokami]

I can't begin to list the ways this creeps me out. And not just as a soon to be father myself, but as a person: You've known this girl for five months, you're already moving in with her and suddenly you're asking stranger online whether you should discuss your sex life with her kids? Have you even met her kids before?

Look, I don't mean to moralize, but this is a terrible fucking idea. Don't discuss the sex stuff with children until they're old enough, and certainly don't discuss the specifics of your own sex life. That's none of their business, and probably not something they'd want to hear about anyway.

Don't get me wrong, I wish you luck going forward, but you have to understand: from the outside looking in, you're the new guy who's suddenly making mommy change in some strange ways. Just... be careful, and don't let it happen around the kids.

 

[DVS]

Well, he didn't say the relationship was only a few months old, but that they'll be moving in in a few months.

But I'd also vote with a hell no to giving kids details. Answer any questions they may have about sex in general, but no, you don't need to give them a blow by blow of your personal dynamics.

To me, "our relationship has been long distance. and few meetings" doesn't sound like they have seen a lot of each other, skin to skin. But you are correct...he didn't say the relationship was only a few months old.

 

[DVS]

I think this is a really fucking bad idea.

I can't even begin to list the ways this creeps me out.

IFFFF she was childless-- sure, 24/7 all you want.

But SHE HAS KIDS, and like it or not the kids have got to come first.
And they will in society's estimation and I can just about guarantee that child protection services will show up at her door if her behavior in front of her kids suddenly is hugely different. An eight year old is perfectly capable of knowing that mommy is acting weird. And a school official is perfectly capable of interpreting mommy's weird behavior in ways that you wont like.

I'm sorry you aren't going to get to act out your sex games all day, but grow up. She has responsibilities to some small people -- who are unable to protect themselves, and who rely, absolutely, on her to do that. If you're moving in with a woman with three kids, you had better be able to be a father to three kids. otherwise (and I betcha this is what's next) she will realise that now she has... four kids. One of whom isn't so necessary.

Oh my effin ghawd, I don't care what adults do when they're alone, but no. She does NOT call you "master" when the kids are around, she does NOT kneel with the paper in her mouth or whatever proto-fucking-col you've got planned.

Life, dude. This is real life. Not some goddamned paperback novel. Figure it out, Learn to do like the thousands of married couples also do, and compromise. You get to 24/7 on weekends when grandma takes the kids, just like every other adult couple with children.

While I agree with you in thought, I don't think it's right that you bash him as such a bad person, from his question and short post. Yes, the kids come first and yes, he and the sub will have to find time around them for their sexual fun. But, didn't you lay it on a bit thick?

 

[Keroin]

But, didn't you lay it on a bit thick?

I don't think so, DVS. I would have laid it on thicker.

As a former step-parent, I have some pretty strong views on how new relationships should be handled when there are kids involved. First of all, I don't think there should even be discussion of moving in for at least a year - nevermind all the BDSM stuff, (which, in the way the OP described it, is a fucking juvenile idea with NO consideration for the kids). If the OP is serious about getting involved long term with this person, then he should pack up and move to the same city and start spending some face to face time together.

Then, after a year of that, and of eventually interacting with the kids in a VERY NEUTRAL environment, where Mommy acts like herself, then *maybe* start thinking about moving in...after many very grown up and non-BDSM discussions.

Stella's right. Children come first and this is real life, not fantasy land. And I would seriously question the parenting skills of a mom who would be willing to move in with someone under the circumstances the OP described.

 

[Kitty_Schrödinger]

I think this is a really fucking bad idea.

I can't even begin to list the ways this creeps me out.

IFFFF she was childless-- sure, 24/7 all you want.

But SHE HAS KIDS, and like it or not the kids have got to come first.
And they will in society's estimation and I can just about guarantee that child protection services will show up at her door if her behavior in front of her kids suddenly is hugely different. An eight year old is perfectly capable of knowing that mommy is acting weird. And a school official is perfectly capable of interpreting mommy's weird behavior in ways that you wont like.

I'm sorry you aren't going to get to act out your sex games all day, but grow up. She has responsibilities to some small people -- who are unable to protect themselves, and who rely, absolutely, on her to do that. If you're moving in with a woman with three kids, you had better be able to be a father to three kids. otherwise (and I betcha this is what's next) she will realise that now she has... four kids. One of whom isn't so necessary.

Oh my effin ghawd, I don't care what adults do when they're alone, but no. She does NOT call you "master" when the kids are around, she does NOT kneel with the paper in her mouth or whatever proto-fucking-col you've got planned.

Life, dude. This is real life. Not some goddamned paperback novel. Figure it out, Learn to do like the thousands of married couples also do, and compromise. You get to 24/7 on weekends when grandma takes the kids, just like every other adult couple with children.

this.

 

[DVS]

I don't think so, DVS. I would have laid it on thicker.

As a former step-parent, I have some pretty strong views on how new relationships should be handled when there are kids involved. First of all, I don't think there should even be discussion of moving in for at least a year - nevermind all the BDSM stuff, (which, in the way the OP described it, is a fucking juvenile idea with NO consideration for the kids). If the OP is serious about getting involved long term with this person, then he should pack up and move to the same city and start spending some face to face time together.

Then, after a year of that, and of eventually interacting with the kids in a VERY NEUTRAL environment, where Mommy acts like herself, then *maybe* start thinking about moving in...after many very grown up and non-BDSM discussions.

Stella's right. Children come first and this is real life, not fantasy land. And I would seriously question the parenting skills of a mom who would be willing to move in with someone under the circumstances the OP described.

I agree with all of this. Haven't you read any of my posts in this thread? But, as an example...telling the guy "I'm sorry you aren't going to get to act out your sex games all day, but grow up" seems a little harsh, when he didn't say he was concerned that the kids were going to get in his way to have fun. Maybe leaving the drama out of the post will get him to actually read it, instead of blowing it off as a rant against him, personally.

What she says is good, but I just think there are times when we should be diplomatic. The point still gets across and maybe even sinks in, because he read what she had to say. Maybe I'm giving the guy too much credit, but that's just me. But I'll continue to do that, until he shows me he's an idiot.

 

[a_libertine]

Personally I think there has to be a brick wall between BDSM and children. If you don't have children of your own, Brand_New_Dom, then it is impossible for you to fully understand the reactions your brief post has pulled from some of the replies.

My thoughts are:

If by BDSM you mean a 'Leave it to Cleaver' type of family that is one thing. A loving family where 'Daddy' makes most of the decisions, handles the finances, allows 'mommy' to be a stay at home care giver, and generally comports himself in a manner that is 'old fashioned' then I think though moving away from mainstream is okay.

If you mean chain momma to the wall and do what you will with her, when you will, that is another ball of wax altogether.

Ultimately, that is something you have to discuss with your sub. Frankly it is her decision to make, not yours.

 

[NatalieWouldToo]

There is a difference between telling your children about sex, and telling your children about the sex that you have.

I grew up in an openly sexual family, in that I understood that sex was something grownups did. My children were given the same lesson.

My kids grew up with queer aunties and uncles, with grownups who, one day asked to be called 'she' instead of 'he' and listened to their parents respect that request. They hear me play agony aunt to couples that were made of two men, or two women, or one woman and one man... and "couples" that had more than two members. My daughter learned to braid leather when i was apprenticing with Joe Wheeler.

But the details-- no. And the details of BDSM? Abso-fucking-lutely not. They did NOT hear about mommy's strapon or why, exactly, our friend Patrick kept our house so neat and tidy. Those details are not for little ears-- or for any ears beyond those personally concerned.

Stella, you're right. And as ever, you're right on; articulate and concise, with flair. I you!

 

[Kurokami]

Stella, you're right. And as ever, you're right on; articulate and concise, with flair. I you!

Agreed, to the point that I, without realizing, quoted Stella word for word in my own post here. Weird!

 

[Stella_Omega]

I agree with all of this. Haven't you read any of my posts in this thread? But, as an example...telling the guy "I'm sorry you aren't going to get to act out your sex games all day, but grow up" seems a little harsh, when he didn't say he was concerned that the kids were going to get in his way to have fun. Maybe leaving the drama out of the post will get him to actually read it, instead of blowing it off as a rant against him, personally.

What she says is good, but I just think there are times when we should be diplomatic. The point still gets across and maybe even sinks in, because he read what she had to say. Maybe I'm giving the guy too much credit, but that's just me. But I'll continue to do that, until he shows me he's an idiot.

Oh yes, he absolutely did say:

Our practice of dom/sub is not just in the bedroom. I asked because her children will see their mother acting much different then they've seen before. I'm guessing not long the oldest age 8 will be having questions about her mothers submissive attitude all of a sudden.

Submissive attitude=sex games, and anyone who says otherwise isn't going to have to prove it to me, but to child welfare.

So no, I don't think I laid it on too thick. My mistake is that it looks like I was addressing him and him alone without assigning any responsibility to her.

OP, I want you to know that I was speaking every bit as much to your girlfriend as I was to you, and you would oblige me greatly if you forwarded what I've said to her.

 

[neci]

My thoughts are:

If by BDSM you mean a 'Leave it to Cleaver' type of family that is one thing. A loving family where 'Daddy' makes most of the decisions, handles the finances, allows 'mommy' to be a stay at home care giver, and generally comports himself in a manner that is 'old fashioned' then I think though moving away from mainstream is okay.

If you mean chain momma to the wall and do what you will with her, when you will, that is another ball of wax altogether.

this.

i also have to vote for keroin's suggestion of finding a place to live close to her in her town, while you gradually become apart of the family. if you have only seen her face to face twice, have you ever met the children? why not start out with several family dates. take her and the kids to the park. do something fun with them. get to know them, before stepping into the house as some kind of controlling man who changes their mommy from who they know into someone they have never seen. remember that when it comes to the children, you have a lot to learn. take it slow. they have given no consent to be apart of your sexual relations with their mother. remember that they are children. they deserve a childhood.

 

[neci]

Oh yes, he absolutely did say: Submissive attitude=sex games, and anyone who says otherwise isn't going to have to prove it to me, but to child welfare.

submissive attitude does not always equal sex games. child welfare will not remove children from a home because the mother is submissive to her new boyfriend who just moved in. now, if they harm the children, expose them to their sexual activities, make them participants in it, it's another story.