bdsm & children

[midwestyankee]

Dude, there are a zillion less selfish ways to get laid regularly.

 

[Stella_Omega]

this.

i also have to vote for keroin's suggestion of finding a place to live close to her in her town, while you gradually become apart of the family. if you have only seen her face to face twice, have you ever met the children? why not start out with several family dates. take her and the kids to the park. do something fun with them. get to know them, before stepping into the house as some kind of controlling man who changes their mommy from who they know into someone they have never seen. remember that when it comes to the children, you have a lot to learn. take it slow. they have given no consent to be apart of your sexual relations with their mother. remember that they are children. they deserve a childhood.

Neci and Keroin, thank you! All I did was rant; you've offered some suggestions for solving the problem.

I'm betting though that these two are financially strapped, and one reason for him moving in is so that they can share the expenses. And following on that, my least charitable reaction is that she wants help supporting these three kids and found herself a daddy for the babies.

child welfare will not remove children from a home because the mother is submissive to her new boyfriend who just moved in.

Indeed. But there is always the possibility that they will investigate. Kid says something in school-- teacher/school official MUST report. DCHW WILL toddle along and knock on your door.

But you know what, it isn't even DCHW that concerns me, but the lives of the kids who watch mommy play slave-- sorry, I mean "be submissive" in front of them. AS you all have heard from me, over and over, I've fought for feminism all my life, half a century. YES, women should have the right to choose to be subservient in their relationships or because it gets them horney. But NO child should grow up thinking that's the model-- that takes the choice right out of the equation.

shit I'm gonna start one of those debates aren't I)

 

[Keroin]

I agree with all of this. Haven't you read any of my posts in this thread? But, as an example...telling the guy "I'm sorry you aren't going to get to act out your sex games all day, but grow up" seems a little harsh, when he didn't say he was concerned that the kids were going to get in his way to have fun. Maybe leaving the drama out of the post will get him to actually read it, instead of blowing it off as a rant against him, personally.

What she says is good, but I just think there are times when we should be diplomatic. The point still gets across and maybe even sinks in, because he read what she had to say. Maybe I'm giving the guy too much credit, but that's just me. But I'll continue to do that, until he shows me he's an idiot.

I did read your posts DVS. And I love that you always err on the side of nice.

You're good cop, Stella's bad cop. That's all.

they have given no consent to be apart of your sexual relations with their mother. remember that they are children. they deserve a childhood.

This is the heart of it.


What is disturbing to me, (assuming the OP and girlfriend are real), is the OP's priorities. Asking whether or not you should tell your girlfriend's kids about your kink, when you are contemplating moving in with her after only five months and two face-to-face meetings is like asking which radio station everyone in the car would like to listen to while you are driving them toward the edge of a cliff.

Wrong priorities.

I think that warrants the textual equivalent of a slap in the face.

 

[CurvAppeal]

just like intothewoods said.....

Big. Fucking. Red. Flag.

I moved in with an ex dom and his two kids after 3 months...big no no. Kids were very sweet but once they called me "mom" I freaked. I was only 19 at the time!!

It was too much responsibility for me at such a young age and there were quite a few flaws about him that I could not get over. Ick.

 

[catalina_francisco]

If the oldest is 8, that means the other 2 are younger, so no, you should not be having any discussions with them about BDSM or sex, or for that matter IMHO, anything at this early stage. Excuse me if I am wrong....it is easy to get the wrong feeling through a computer screen...but I feel like you look forward to the 8 year old seeing things and asking questions, and this is definately more than a red flag.

As to living 24/7 with children in the house....it is difficult and does require restricting a lot of your chosen behaviour and manners when they are around or within risk of seeing or hearing something they are not old enough to process and understand in a healthy way. It may require adapting some of your methods so they do not seem out of place or expose young ones to adult behaviours before their time. I bought my children up to understand and be exposed to many people of differing sexual preferences within my circle of friends and acquaintances, but at no time did that mean they saw anyone having sex or acting inappropriate, just they grew up more tolerant than many of their peers. As they are now adults, they also know the nature of our relationship, but are even now not exposed to seeing anything out of the ordinary or related to anything other than a loving relationship. We choose to keep the rest to ourselves and in an appropriate timeframe. Basically it comes back to the popular belief you do not involve anyone else in your BDSM activities without their consent, and definately not children.

Catalina

 

[CurvAppeal]

Dude, there are a zillion less selfish ways to get laid regularly.

lmao.....haha.

 

[intothewoods]

I agree with all of this. Haven't you read any of my posts in this thread? But, as an example...telling the guy "I'm sorry you aren't going to get to act out your sex games all day, but grow up" seems a little harsh, when he didn't say he was concerned that the kids were going to get in his way to have fun. Maybe leaving the drama out of the post will get him to actually read it, instead of blowing it off as a rant against him, personally.

What she says is good, but I just think there are times when we should be diplomatic. The point still gets across and maybe even sinks in, because he read what she had to say. Maybe I'm giving the guy too much credit, but that's just me. But I'll continue to do that, until he shows me he's an idiot.

Most parents put certain parts of their lives on the back burner while they're young. It requires some sacrifice, although as parents we all signed up for this. I think having made the right choices, it's grating to read about a parent (the sub in this scenario) who is being entirely self-indulgent. It makes you testy.

submissive attitude does not always equal sex games.

No, but to be clear, he said that she would now be acting differently. That means we're not talking about someone who is naturally subservient in nature, but someone who is getting their rocks off by playing this way. No problem with that, except that sexual roleplay between adults should remain between adults.

 

[HottieMama]

.but I feel like you look forward to the 8 year old seeing things and asking questions, and this is definately more than a red flag.

Catalina...You're NOT the only one that is "feeling" that. This whole situation strikes me as somewhat creepy and borderline inappropriate.

I have three kids. My oldest is almost 7...so not that different from the OP's girlfriend. That said, my boys see NOTHING of my kink life. It is inappropriate, kids talk to other adults, and I don't really cherish the thought of CPS coming to my home. It's SO easily avoidable, why risk it???

Oh...and Stella... I think I officially have a Lit crush on you now!

 

[Stella_Omega]

I did read your posts DVS. And I love that you always err on the side of nice.

You're good cop, Stella's bad cop. That's all.

Could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship! I slap 'em down, DVS picks them up, dusts them off and they weep in gratitude and see the error of their ways.

And then he and I go and pick up yet another award at yet another banquet held in our honor.

Man I'm getting sick of these itty-bitty filets mignon, what about you, partner?

 

[Earthgoddess]

Kids and Kink

As a parent, a teacher, and as a MSW student en route to a career in trauma therapy I have to say that this relationship raises red flags without the kink aspect. You have been given some really great advice and I would advise you to explore the relationship much more deeply as a relationship, regardless of your D/s status. Moving into a family will change the dynamic of any dating relationship much less a D/s one. Kids and parenting are huge responsibilities and I have a number of friends who have mistaken Doms for daddies for their kids. That puts a huge amount of pressure on a new relationship, and frankly the children deserve time to get to know mom's new companion.

Keep the D/s off the children's table, work on getting geographically closer and get involved with her local community to gain support and knowledge and real life support. Teachers are mandatory reporters and a child concerned about bruises, or any sexual statements at home may express these concerns to their teacher, who in turn must report it to the proper state authorities.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Okay, fessing up now; my kids were umm... fourteen and twelve, and we got a call from their school to let us know that a social worker was interviewing them, on account of an "anonymous tip" that their father might be molesting our daughter.

My daughter was able to figure out pretty quickly from the words of the complaint, that the tipster was a squicky ex- neighbor who had begun eyeing her more than was comfortable and been evicted from the building for that reason. Honestly, three other tenants had mentioned it to us and the landlord lived in the building and wasn't going to allow it. So after he moved, this was his revenge.

The social worker was mandated to make a home visit as well, and as it happened, she showed up just as Patrick, my houseboy, was finishing his cleaning routine-- fully clothed-- and my house looked lovely, the kids were busy, and there was iced tea in a sweating jug.

The social worker said that she knew the allegations were false the moment the kids walked into the interview room at the school, and she would love a second glass of iced tea-- she was on her way to a meeting about a REAL abuse case, a father who had gotten one of his daughters pregnant. She said that the body language, their verbal acuity-- all spoke of a good family dynamic. Personally, I was grateful that fate brought me a really experienced social worker.

Mr.Omega was blindingly angry that the guy had made any sort of accusation like that, as you can imagine. I wouldn't tell him where the ex neighbor lived. My Wiccan landlady conducted a will-be-done ritual-- not to say a hex, exactly but the differences are subtle to one such as myself...

Now-- I am not an acter-outer outside of scenes, and would never allow acting-out in view of my kids. Patrick was one of my family's queer friends, and he was our friend before he became my service bottom. He was always treated with respect and respected the family, in fact that was why he asked for this arrangement.

 

[Brand_New_Dom28]

My relationship with my sub is not one with whips and chains. I'm not even putting a collar on her. We are going to look very vanilla in & out of the bedroom. She's just going to work on pleasing me by living like wives did years ago. Cook, clean, etc. That's the dom/ sub life were working towards. The kids won't see bruises on mommy or anything like that, but may start to see a big change. This I don't see any reason to tell the kids ...this is how mommy's are susposed to live. Maybe this isn't bdsm..but its definitely dom/ sub. I'm not ashamed of it.

 

[HottieMama]

I would sure hope that you aren't going to tell the kids "this is how mommy's are supposed to live." This is their mommy's CHOICE, not the way things are SUPPOSED to be.

 

[neci]

Neci and Keroin, thank you! All I did was rant; you've offered some suggestions for solving the problem.

I'm betting though that these two are financially strapped, and one reason for him moving in is so that they can share the expenses. And following on that, my least charitable reaction is that she wants help supporting these three kids and found herself a daddy for the babies.
Indeed. But there is always the possibility that they will investigate. Kid says something in school-- teacher/school official MUST report. DCHW WILL toddle along and knock on your door.

But you know what, it isn't even DCHW that concerns me, but the lives of the kids who watch mommy play slave-- sorry, I mean "be submissive" in front of them. AS you all have heard from me, over and over, I've fought for feminism all my life, half a century. YES, women should have the right to choose to be subservient in their relationships or because it gets them horney. But NO child should grow up thinking that's the only model-- that takes the choice right out of the equation.

shit I'm gonna start one of those debates aren't I)

okay. resisting urge to start one of those debates.
i am just going to edit in red.

I did read your posts DVS. And I love that you always err on the side of nice.

You're good cop, Stella's bad cop. That's all.



This is the heart of it.


What is disturbing to me, (assuming the OP and girlfriend are real), is the OP's priorities. Asking whether or not you should tell your girlfriend's kids about your kink, when you are contemplating moving in with her after only five months and two face-to-face meetings is like asking which radio station everyone in the car would like to listen to while you are driving them toward the edge of a cliff.

Wrong priorities.

I think that warrants the textual equivalent of a slap in the face.

slap away.

momma's got herself a daddy
daddy has no clue
or gas money

No, but to be clear, he said that she would now be acting differently. That means we're not talking about someone who is naturally subservient in nature, but someone who is getting their rocks off by playing this way. No problem with that, except that sexual roleplay between adults should remain between adults.

i have no idea if she is subservient in nature or just playing that way. i would hope it's in her nature before she committed to a 24/7 living arrangement. with the introduction of any new person into the house, the dynamics are going to change. if she's used to being a single mom, making all of the decisions, keeping the sexual side completely out, there will still be changes to the children's lives. moving in together is a huge step. if nothing changed, it wouldn't be such a big deal. her subservience may show more by simple demeanor. changes in household routine. maybe he likes to control meal planning. who knows.

granted, i think the idea of allowing a man you've only met twice to be your three kids new live in daddy is absurd, but it happens. people are crazy.

As a parent, a teacher, and as a MSW student en route to a career in trauma therapy I have to say that this relationship raises red flags without the kink aspect. You have been given some really great advice and I would advise you to explore the relationship much more deeply as a relationship, regardless of your D/s status. Moving into a family will change the dynamic of any dating relationship much less a D/s one. Kids and parenting are huge responsibilities and I have a number of friends who have mistaken Doms for daddies for their kids. That puts a huge amount of pressure on a new relationship, and frankly the children deserve time to get to know mom's new companion.

Keep the D/s off the children's table, work on getting geographically closer and get involved with her local community to gain support and knowledge and real life support. Teachers are mandatory reporters and a child concerned about bruises, or any sexual statements at home may express these concerns to their teacher, who in turn must report it to the proper state authorities.

you give good advice.

Okay, fessing up now; my kids were umm... fourteen and twelve, and we got a call from their school to let us know that a social worker was interviewing them, on account of an "anonymous tip" that their father might be molesting our daughter.

My daughter was able to figure out pretty quickly from the words of the complaint, that the tipster was a squicky ex- neighbor who had begun eyeing her more than was comfortable and been evicted from the building for that reason. Honestly, three other tenants had mentioned it to us and the landlord lived in the building and wasn't going to allow it. So after he moved, this was his revenge.

The social worker was mandated to make a home visit as well, and as it happened, she showed up just as Patrick, my houseboy, was finishing his cleaning routine-- fully clothed-- and my house looked lovely, the kids were busy, and there was iced tea in a sweating jug.

The social worker said that she knew the allegations were false the moment the kids walked into the interview room at the school, and she would love a second glass of iced tea-- she was on her way to a meeting about a REAL abuse case, a father who had gotten one of his daughters pregnant. She said that the body language, their verbal acuity-- all spoke of a good family dynamic. Personally, I was grateful that fate brought me a really experienced social worker.

Mr.Omega was blindingly angry that the guy had made any sort of accusation like that, as you can imagine. I wouldn't tell him where the ex neighbor lived. My Wiccan landlady conducted a will-be-done ritual-- not to say a hex, exactly but the differences are subtle to one such as myself...

Now-- I am not an acter-outer outside of scenes, and would never allow acting-out in view of my kids. Patrick was one of my family's queer friends, and he was our friend before he became my service bottom. He was always treated with respect and respected the family, in fact that was why he asked for this arrangement.

i need a patrick.

 

[intothewoods]

My relationship with my sub is not one with whips and chains. I'm not even putting a collar on her. We are going to look very vanilla in & out of the bedroom. She's just going to work on pleasing me by living like wives did years ago. Cook, clean, etc. That's the dom/ sub life were working towards. The kids won't see bruises on mommy or anything like that, but may start to see a big change. This I don't see any reason to tell the kids ...this is how mommy's are susposed to live. Maybe this isn't bdsm..but its definitely dom/ sub. I'm not ashamed of it.

So the "big change" will be that their mother now cooks and cleans? What is she doing now -- serving up ho hos and throwing the trash into the living room?

"this is how mommy's [sic] are supposed to live" - What single parents with new partners are supposed to do is give any romantic relationship time and space to breathe. You don't move someone in after having been with them for five months.

 

[neci]

My relationship with my sub is not one with whips and chains. I'm not even putting a collar on her. We are going to look very vanilla in & out of the bedroom. She's just going to work on pleasing me by living like wives did years ago. Cook, clean, etc. That's the dom/ sub life were working towards. The kids won't see bruises on mommy or anything like that, but may start to see a big change. This I don't see any reason to tell the kids ...this is how mommy's are susposed to live. Maybe this isn't bdsm..but its definitely dom/ sub. I'm not ashamed of it.

mommies are supposed to move men into their houses who can't afford gas money to see them on a regular basis? then take care of them? are you her child as well?

 

[DVS]

Could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship! I slap 'em down, DVS picks them up, dusts them off and they weep in gratitude and see the error of their ways.

And then he and I go and pick up yet another award at yet another banquet held in our honor.

Man I'm getting sick of these itty-bitty filets mignon, what about you, partner?

I wanna be bad cop. The good cop shit is crimping my style with the ladies...what's left of it.

 

[intothewoods]

i have no idea if she is subservient in nature or just playing that way. i would hope it's in her nature before she committed to a 24/7 living arrangement. with the introduction of any new person into the house, the dynamics are going to change. if she's used to being a single mom, making all of the decisions, keeping the sexual side completely out, there will still be changes to the children's lives. moving in together is a huge step. if nothing changed, it wouldn't be such a big deal. her subservience may show more by simple demeanor. changes in household routine. maybe he likes to control meal planning. who knows.

granted, i think the idea of allowing a man you've only met twice to be your three kids new live in daddy is absurd, but it happens. people are crazy.

It's absolutely a huge step and will definitely involve changes. But, and it seems we agree on this, as a parent you should take every possible step necessary to make sure the relationships involved are solid. You can't do that after having only met twice.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I don't think so, DVS. I would have laid it on thicker.

As a former step-parent, I have some pretty strong views on how new relationships should be handled when there are kids involved. First of all, I don't think there should even be discussion of moving in for at least a year - nevermind all the BDSM stuff, (which, in the way the OP described it, is a fucking juvenile idea with NO consideration for the kids). If the OP is serious about getting involved long term with this person, then he should pack up and move to the same city and start spending some face to face time together.

Then, after a year of that, and of eventually interacting with the kids in a VERY NEUTRAL environment, where Mommy acts like herself, then *maybe* start thinking about moving in...after many very grown up and non-BDSM discussions.

Stella's right. Children come first and this is real life, not fantasy land. And I would seriously question the parenting skills of a mom who would be willing to move in with someone under the circumstances the OP described.

I wish I could make this required reading for people considering moving in together, when there are children involved.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I would sure hope that you aren't going to tell the kids "this is how mommy's are supposed to live." This is their mommy's CHOICE, not the way things are SUPPOSED to be.

This!

 

[vintage63]

my sub girlfriend has 3 children. our relationship has been long distance. and few meetings. we are talking about moving in together in a couple months. how do you live your lifestyle out with your children? do u hide it from them? do u talk to them about it?

OK So you posted and you asked. I take it by your name that you ARE BRAND NEW. Fair enough. We were all new sometimes.

I could go on and on about raising kids as I think I did a damn good job and have great kids but I think you have gotten the point. There are a lot of really really smart people here on these boards who have great experiences. All I am is that you read carefully and take the advice you asked for. In D/s you can never regret going slow. Going too fast on the other hand can really do damage.

cheers

 

[CutieMouse]

My relationship with my sub is not one with whips and chains. I'm not even putting a collar on her. We are going to look very vanilla in & out of the bedroom. She's just going to work on pleasing me by living like wives did years ago. Cook, clean, etc. That's the dom/ sub life were working towards. The kids won't see bruises on mommy or anything like that, but may start to see a big change. This I don't see any reason to tell the kids ...this is how mommy's are supposed to live. Maybe this isn't bdsm..but its definitely dom/ sub. I'm not ashamed of it.

Define "big change"?

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Define "big change"?

That's what I'm wondering. The OP equivocates on how this won't be that big a deal, he's not asking THAT MUCH or having her act THAT unusually...but somehow it's still a "big change"?

IMO, OP, you're already making a mistake from the get go by asking how you will get the children to adapt to the changes you are going to make. I'm not even going to get in to whether you SHOULD be moving in or not, as others have discussed this, but in this scenario, you are the invader. You are the one coming in to these children's lives, their balance and their home. You just might have to put your kink on hold entirely for a while.

A lot of people have given you some really good advice here. I hope that you choose to consider it all

 

[eastern sun]

One more thought to add to the mix . . .

As dom, it will be your responsibility to make good choices and provide good leadership as the head of the household and caretaker of those children. Not just in terms of disciplining your girlfriend to keep the house clean and food prepared as you wish, but in terms of dealing with crises, determining priorities, solving complicated and entrenched problems. Your girlfriend will undoubtably be looking to you to take this responsibility - probably because she's feeling overwhelmed by single parenthood already - and you'll need to know more than you've ever needed to know about the care of other lives.

As a brand new dom, are you ready for that responsiblilty? Is there anything you need to learn? About children? Family dynamics? Did you grow up in a traditional household? Or is it an ideal you believe in? Have you ever taken care of people other than yourself?

If not, your girlfriend will be in a position in which you must rely on her more than you anticipate, and your budding power exchange may be challenged in ways you aren't prepared for.

 

[marieR19]

One more thought to add to the mix . . .

As dom, it will be your responsibility to make good choices and provide good leadership as the head of the household and caretaker of those children. Not just in terms of disciplining your girlfriend to keep the house clean and food prepared as you wish, but in terms of dealing with crises, determining priorities, solving complicated and entrenched problems. Your girlfriend will undoubtably be looking to you to take this responsibility - probably because she's feeling overwhelmed by single parenthood already - and you'll need to know more than you've ever needed to know about the care of other lives.

As a brand new dom, are you ready for that responsiblilty? Is there anything you need to learn? About children? Family dynamics? Did you grow up in a traditional household? Or is it an ideal you believe in? Have you ever taken care of people other than yourself?

If not, your girlfriend will be in a position in which you must rely on her more than you anticipate, and your budding power exchange may be challenged in ways you aren't prepared for.

I love your posts.

This is a very, very good point. If this OP really is a "brand new dom", he's way in over his head already, planning to move in this fast....

Are you ready to be a father? A *father*, a traditional non-kink, non-dom *father*, to these kids? If you move in with this woman, that is what you will have to be. That is what those children will look for in a man living with them, a father-role. Are you ready to take on responsibilities for those kids? Are you ready to deal with any crisis that comes, whether it be a hospital emergency, financial emergency, etc?

Moving in with someone is a *huge* deal in the first place. Finances usually change, your entire life usually changes. When kids are a part of the package, you had better make sure you are *truly* ready for that responsibility, or you are risking messing up those poor children's lives. NO kink is worth that risk.