bdsm & children

[laceNlthrgrrl]

I need to add my agreement to Stella and Keroin on this. Children don't get to choose to be in a D/s relationship, so leave them out of it. In addition to all of the very sensible concerns so far, another one is what comes back to the father (ex), if there is one actively involved. He could seriously raise issues if things are concerning to him, as is his right as their parent. A move-in relationship can be an issue even if everything else is utterly vanilla, so don't add fuel to that potential fire.

This is still a very new relationship. There's nothing wrong with taking things slowly.

 

[PhilGarlic]

No no no

my girlfriend and kids live 5 hours away. Due to gas prices we've only seen eachother twice in the five month relationship. We are practicing a 24/7 bdsm lifestyle. Our practice of dom/sub is not just in the bedroom. I asked because her children will see their mother acting much different then they've seen before. I'm guessing not long the oldest age 8 will be having questions about her mothers submissive attitude all of a sudden.

I think you need a reality check pal.

 

[Earthgoddess]

Advice

This is all pretty amazing advice, and thank you neci, your advice rocked as well. OP you have a treasure trove of good advice here. There is no penalty for taking things slowly, I lived in a semi-1950's marriage and household for many years. They can be wonderful and fulfilling but if they are poorly negotiated it is a disaster based power exchange with nothing good for either Ward or June Cleaver and Wallie and the Beav do not benefit either. Take your time. Parenting this many small children is like being on a space shuttle with them, and believe me there are sound scientific reasons why families do not get to go to space together. This is lots of tiny, needy creatures who have an agenda all their own and their agenda must be the focus.

Try spending time getting to know her, try dating, try spending actual face time together over the next few months. This is not a pioneer situation where she is coming West to help you earn your plot of acreage. Get a car, drive there, date her. Then you can make a serious life changing decision about co-habitation, after all the other stuff.

 

[BiBunny]

I just thought of another thing. If you don't have the money to buy gas for visits, you damn sure don't have the money to take care of children and have no business with them.

 

[WastelandVoice]

You're all insane... well.. not all... but some...

Don't bring the goddamn kids into this. They don't need to be involved in the vanilla aspects of sex and sexuality... don't drag them into the bdsm side of things as well....

Are you goddamn kidding me?

There's being "honest and open" with your kids and there's being "way the fuckout inappropriate" with them as well.

 

[twister947]

You're all insane... well.. not all... but some...

Don't bring the goddamn kids into this. They don't need to be involved in the vanilla aspects of sex and sexuality... don't drag them into the bdsm side of things as well....

Are you goddamn kidding me?

There's being "honest and open" with your kids and there's being "way the fuckout inappropriate" with them as well.

Word.

The thread title, alone, gives off bad vibes. WTF?

 

[KoPilot]

The thing that upsets me most is that we'll probably never hear from this guy again because we didn't tell him what he wanted to hear, and he'll just wind up doing what he wanted to anyways.

 

[FurryFury]

I so agree. Great post!

FF

Your sub is ok with you moving in with her three kids after only knowing you for a few months, and having met them only a couple of times? Big. Red. Flag.

Anyway, no, I don't discuss my sex life or the intimate nature of my relationship with my kids.

 

[Stella_Omega]

We can never pile on high enough can we...

 

[WastelandVoice]

Here's the problem-

The BDSM, sub/dom, slave/owner etc.. lifestyle attracts two types of people:

1. Those who have decided to enter the lifestyle and/or the practice of said lifestyle after having discovered something inside of them that draws them toward it- and after some soul searching, introspection, self discovery, self discipline, and important thought, time, and energy....

2.... and those who have been raped, beaten, and abused so a lifetime of servitude and re-enacting the abuse and torture is all they know.

That's the dirty little secret of our "thing." There are a lot of people in here who probably would not have been here if daddy or mommy or crazy uncle had not snuck into our rooms late one night and done terrible things.

And those people have deluded themselves into thinking that it's okay and great and grand beacuse they've "owned" some part of it by re-enacting it evey step of the way in their sexual lives....

But a child, a 6,8, 10, 13 year old.... whatever age... they don't need to know the dirty, sordid details. Do not force them into that life. Do not force them into any sort of sexual life.

They'll figure things out on their own- believe me. If you are a parent then your job is to be there to support them. To guide them. To answer any questions they might have...

But don't force your sex on them. Don't shove it in their face. No child should have to know these things.

You may be a submissive in the bedroom but if you have a child?... Try being an ADULT for them. Be a Father/Mother to them. Don't force your own crazy on them. Don't force them into knowing crazy sexual things at a young age- it won't help... it will only hurt.

 

[WastelandVoice]

Again... reitterating because it cannot be said enough times...

There is a difference between being "open and honest" with your kid.. and being "wildly inappropriate" with them.

You're not their friend. You're their parent.

 

[FurryFury]

Here's the problem-

The BDSM, sub/dom, slave/owner etc.. lifestyle attracts two types of people:

1. Those who have decided to enter the lifestyle and/or the practice of said lifestyle after having discovered something inside of them that draws them toward it- and after some soul searching, introspection, self discovery, self discipline, and important thought, time, and energy....

2.... and those who have been raped, beaten, and abused so a lifetime of servitude and re-enacting the abuse and torture is all they know.

That's the dirty little secret of our "thing." There are a lot of people in here who probably would not have been here if daddy or mommy or crazy uncle had not snuck into our rooms late one night and done terrible things.

And those people have deluded themselves into thinking that it's okay and great and grand beacuse they've "owned" some part of it by re-enacting it evey step of the way in their sexual lives....

But a child, a 6,8, 10, 13 year old.... whatever age... they don't need to know the dirty, sordid details. Do not force them into that life. Do not force them into any sort of sexual life.

They'll figure things out on their own- believe me. If you are a parent then your job is to be there to support them. To guide them. To answer any questions they might have...

But don't force your sex on them. Don't shove it in their face. No child should have to know these things.

You may be a submissive in the bedroom but if you have a child?... Try being an ADULT for them. Be a Father/Mother to them. Don't force your own crazy on them. Don't force them into knowing crazy sexual things at a young age- it won't help... it will only hurt.

I agree with most of what you wrote here except for the part I've put in bold.

The idea that kinked people must have come from abuse is about as valid as the idea that people who are gay must have come from abuse. It's a cop out to explain behavior outside the norm to those that just can't understand it.

That not to say that quite a few kinked or gay people haven't suffered abuse. It's to say that quite a few straight nilla people have. In fact, quite a few people of any sort have suffered abuse.

Quite a few people who are messed up mentally and emotionally are happy to let a man they barely know into their lives and in control of them and their children kinked or not. It's still WRONG and not a good way to start a relationship, IMO.

To the OP, enjoy your girl on visits. Do not involve or make the kids aware of it in any way.

Get the girl mental and emotional health and pray that you don't get unfairly accused of anything with her or the kids.

This woman is broken in a pretty significant way. No truly healthy relationship is going to come about until she does the internal work she needs to do.

FF

 

[WastelandVoice]

I didn't say they MUST come from abuse but you can' deny that a huge portion ot the kink population has their proclivities coming from a less than healthy place. At least that's been my experience.

 

[FurryFury]

I don't deny that but I do assert that a huge portion of the nilla / stright community has thier proclivities coming from a less than healthy place. So that's kind of the norm IMO.

FF

I didn't say they MUST come from abuse but you can' deny that a huge portion ot the kink population has their proclivities coming from a less than healthy place. At least that's been my experience.

 

[WastelandVoice]

well I'll certainly give you that one- everyone has their craziness regardless of what kind of sex they like.

My point is that people who do things outside of the norm such as the kink/bdsm community and practices arrive at that place basically in 1 of 2 ways and 1 way is healthy.. the other not so much.

I'm sure you've met plenty of people who are into the scene and after 2 minutes you say "wow... there's something wrong with this person"

Not to say that abuse and survival only exists in the kink community- of course it's unfortunately eveywhere but given the dynamic of the community it attracts more than its fair share of damaged people

 

[FurryFury]

It's not just sex. It's everything.

Broken people express through shopping too much or drinking too much not just through kink.

It may seem there are more broken people in kink but I don't believe that's true at all. I believe that kinked people may be more open with other kinked people than straight / nilla people generally are, about how they are broken and what they think they need.

FF

 

[WastelandVoice]

It's an interesting discussion but I see there's already a thread for that argument so I'll continue posting over there.

 

[sweettreat601]

A recipe for certain disaster. Don't do it! It will be difficult enough for the children to accept an interloper into their family, much less one who attempts to change the structure and balance of their family through a 24/7 lifestyle change. Without a doubt, child protective services will be knocking at your door...sooner than later.
Any mother who is in agreement with this should have her head examined. These kids deserve a childhood, not to be entangled in your selfish fantasies.
And what do you propose to bring into this relationship? What do you have to offer these kids? Loving fatherhood? Financial stability? Are you prepared to make emergency runs to the hospital, attend PTA meetings, dance recitals, soccer and baseball games? Are you ready to clean up blood and barf and God knows what else kids can produce? Parenting is NOT all fun and games, it is a job in itself. Get a grip, and give these kids a break.

 

[WaitWhatt]

Everyone else already said it well.

But really..guy comes off as some kind of child predator freak because he's fantasizing about doing things to the mother in front of the kids or *oops* the kids walked in or walked by and saw it. Like he's going to have mommy tired up in the basement and has to explain to the kids that she was a bad girl.

Nevermind him...... What the hell is the mother thinking? Why would you want some guy you met twice living in your house with your 3 kids?

 

[LadyAria]

I took 2 things away from this thread:

1) I want a Patrick. A good service bottom is hard to find!
2) The OP and his pyl don't even know each other. This thread is proof some people grow old and not up.

 

[graceanne]

There is a difference between telling your children about sex, and telling your children about the sex that you have.

I grew up in an openly sexual family, in that I understood that sex was something grownups did. My children were given the same lesson.

This. My older two know that K and I have sex, but they don't know when, where, how, or what we do. It's none of their business. My youngest doesn't know, but that's only cause he hasn't reached an age where he's asked - I'm a big believer in only answering questions that are asked.

You've been in a "24/7 relationship" for five months, during which you've only seen each other twice, and you're already talking about moving in together?

The children are the least of your worries.

This.

Oh yes, he absolutely did say: Submissive attitude=sex games, and anyone who says otherwise isn't going to have to prove it to me, but to child welfare.

I disagree. My husband makes all the decisions and I tell my kids that Daddy is the boss. I consider this submissive, but not kinky. If she's being kinky in front of the kids, then her priorities are fucked, but just submissive? Submissive is a personality trait, not a perversion.

My POV - I'm 24/7 and we have three children. I'll tell you what I tell anyone else who is 24/7 - it's not like any stories you've read. it's a lot like real life. We get up we take care of our kids we go to work we cook dinner, etc. Sometimes, if we have the energy after taking care of three children, we have sex and sometimes, if we're REALLY lucky, we even have the energy for kinky sex, but it's not a constant kink-play.

That said, both 24/7 and having children in kinky relationship has been discussed. I AM NOT SAYING TO STOP DISCUSSING IT, I'M JUST LINKING THESE IN CASE THE OP WANTS TO DO MORE RESEARCH.

The Lifestyle/ 24/7

Parenting/Pregnancy

 

[subgrl18]

This was a very disturbing post originally (to a diehard protector of children) but you all did a good job making it less so Good job and well said Gracie...miss you

 

[WaitWhatt]

My husband makes all the decisions and I tell my kids that Daddy is the boss.

Originally Posted by Stella_Omega View Post
Oh yes, he absolutely did say: Submissive attitude=sex games, and anyone who says otherwise isn't going to have to prove it to me, but to child welfare.

Agree with Stella. But my opinion is = Submissive attitude = Kids who grow up with mental problems.

Personally I think something is wrong with teaching kids that daddy/anyone is "the boss" of you other than an employer. How do kids learn to make their own decisions if mommy is a submissive robot who has no say in anything? If the kids are girls, do they grow up taking orders from men? What if a daughter ends up with an abusive boyfriend someday and thinks she's supposed to submit to abuse because she didn't learn to get a backbone?



I've heard of too many adults with psych problems and it all starts with fucked up childhoods. That's usually how therapy starts..they go back to your childhood and ask questions about your parents and how you were raised to establish patterns.

 

[Stella_Omega]

In Gracie's case, I'm going to make a guess-- She is Nobody's "submissive Robot."

 

[WaitWhatt]

Well I don't know Gracie. It's just how I took that comment in general.