When you fuck up from ignorance

[SilverVeil]

As a lot of people read my post about looking for help with why it was hard to find a Dom accepting of a handicapped sub. A few people responded and there was a conversation that morphed into the beginning of a relationship online to be brought to RL this Sunday.

By a stupid error in judgement on my part, I caused my Someone hurt and feelings of betrayal.

On fetlife I followed 3 men who were located in the same state as me. My Someone lives in another state. He misunderstood my actions. I was not looking for any other Dom. And I did not try to contact any of them. I only followed.
But that caused feelings of mistrust and betrayal and He cut all communication with me.

I made a serious error in judgement. I am human and also someone who is not trained as a sub yet. I made a mistake.
I can't even explain or beg His forgiveness because he cut/blocked all communication from me. He said he was a compassionate Dom and we would always communicate, talk about things.

I don't know what to do. I would never go to his private life. We were meeting at a hotel.

I am going to keep the hotel reservation. Maybe if I keep my promise and go there I can get the room number to him. And if he can forgive and show compassion and go to the hotel to allow me to explain and answer any questions he has for my actions.

If He decides I have earned punishment for my thoughtless actions, I will submit to His decision.

If anyone can think what else I can do to beg His forgiveness I will listen.

 

[BiBunny]

This sounds more like a misunderstanding than something worthy of a punishment. It has nothing to do with training and everything to do with this person's extremely overblown reaction to something very minor. "Betrayal" is a very strong word to throw around.

If someone is going to get that butthurt over you following some other people, then that someone is going to give you hell throughout a relationship with them.

I wouldn't beg for forgiveness; I'd be grateful I dodged a bullet.

 

[eomerson]

Clearly not compassionate as he claimed. Just seeing what other Doms are like is curiousity and not betrayal. It is the action of someone perhaps not cut out for not only you but perhaps anyone. I think BiBunny's post above is dead on....you likely are way better off without him. Good luck and be careful in future!

 

[SilverVeil]

This sounds more like a misunderstanding than something worthy of a punishment. It has nothing to do with training and everything to do with this person's extremely overblown reaction to something very minor. "Betrayal" is a very strong word to throw around.

If someone is going to get that butthurt over you following some other people, then that someone is going to give you hell throughout a relationship with them.

I wouldn't beg for forgiveness; I'd be grateful I dodged a bullet.

I used the word betrayal. I am not sure what He feels other than disappointed in what He thinks I was doing.

I never thought following someone was equal to contacting them. In hind sight I should have told Him and asked His permission as I have when men try to initiate contact with me. I didn't because I didn't believe it was the same.

I am begging forgiveness because my thoughtlessness caused hurt and has created mistrust. For that I am so very sorry.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I am having difficulty finding a partner/Dom accepting of my disability that causes me to be in a wheelchair.

I never thought following someone was equal to contacting them. In hind sight I should have told Him and asked His permission as I have when men try to initiate contact with me. I didn't because I didn't believe it was the same.

That first post you wrote about having trouble finding a dom is less than a month old.
Someone answered in private, offering to guide you and help you learn.
Now, less than a month later, this person expects to control how you obtain other information about these things and who you talk to. They are not guiding any more but throwing tantrums and cutting contact without any further discussion.

Would you think this was reasonable in a vanilla dating situation on the same timeline? Or heck, even at all?
If a friend had this happen, what would you say to them?

I am begging forgiveness because my thoughtlessness caused hurt and has created mistrust. For that I am so very sorry.

Being sorry for hurting someone, is totally understandable. In a relationship, there should be room for that and for discussing what went wrong and if and how that can be avoided.

Still, consider if what they need to not feel hurt, seems reasonable to you and if it is within your limits to have someone control who you interact with.

 

[SilverVeil]

That first post you wrote about having trouble finding a dom is less than a month old.
Someone answered in private, offering to guide you and help you learn.
Now, less than a month later, this person expects to control how you obtain other information about these things and who you talk to. They are not guiding any more but throwing tantrums and cutting contact without any further discussion.

Would you think this was reasonable in a vanilla dating situation on the same timeline? Or heck, even at all?
If a friend had this happen, what would you say to them?



Being sorry for hurting someone, is totally understandable. In a relationship, there should be room for that and for discussing what went wrong and if and how that can be avoided.

Still, consider if what they need to not feel hurt, seems reasonable to you and if it is within your limits to have someone control who you interact with.

I put myself in a situation with an abusive bully. Not someone I should have been interacting with.

I can understand why my Sir is upset. I have told him several times I was not interested in submitting to another Dom. And I'm not. I thought He and I were in agreement on so much. I thought wrong. I felt safe enough with his protection (for lack of a better word) to check out other people, wanting to know what things are like for people to do in my area.

I looked at it like social media. Like tiktok. You can follow someone but have no other interacting with them outside of their content they post.

I hope He will rethink what happened and take an opportunity to have a voice to voice or face to face conversation about it. I can understand lashing out from thinking he had been lied to. But after pledging compassion, non judgemental actions and communication He turned around and cut off all contact.

That is what I don't understand.

I know life is not fair. I may never be able to reach him if he turned off his accounts. I am still going to keep our meeting. If by some chance he is curious and comes, I might have the opportunity talk to him about it.

I knew he would not share me with another. And I guess he thought that I was looking for more.

 

[SilverVeil]

Update ... things were discussed. We both realized mistakes were made. And going forward we know how important clear communication is. I am getting ready to leave to start my discovery adventure to meet with my Sir.

It can only get better from here.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I’m not as confident as you that things can only get better from here. From what you’ve described, I would advise you to run from this man. He is demonstrating serious red flags that he’s likely a controlling and abusive asshole rather a dominant man I would trust with my submission. I would echo what others have said here that this seems like a massive over-reaction to a minor misunderstanding. I am scared for you.

 

[jaF0]

I don't spend much time in this section because I don't understand much of it and I may not be back. But honestly, this is why I gave up on people almost totally. A single word, or simply how the word is used, or a glance that is musunderstood and everything can change in a flash.

I remember a time back in the 80s (before the web obviously) when I spent literally hours on the phone over a few days talking to someone, laughing, telling long stories, generally having a great time. Then the meeting. Two minutes and it all died. Never was any further contact.

Another time (90s), after many, many hours of calls and multiple meetings over the course of years .... one sentence killed the whole thing. And it was never explained why.

At this point, I have almost no face to face contact with people. A few minutes yakking with a neighbor during a morning walk, a few words with a clerk while checking out at a store. Generally less than an hour a month.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I would echo what others have said here that this seems like a massive over-reaction to a minor misunderstanding. I am scared for you.

I can’t say it seemed very reasonable to me either but we only get part of the story here, so it might just have been an overreaction out of insecurity with someone new.

But honestly, this is why I gave up on people almost totally. A single word, or simply how the word is used, or a glance that is musunderstood and everything can change in a flash.

Yes, I think people can be a bit skittish in online settings/getting to know new people.

Personally, I am very slow to trust fully, but the reserving judgement goes the other way too, so I’m slow to discount someone entirely too.

 

[SilverVeil]

As I said, we both made mistakes and both of us were misunderstood. I can't speak for him, He knows how he felt and what caused him to react the way he did.

Open communication while we are learning each other is so important. I am not afraid to ask questions, I just have to ask the right ones for the type of relationship.

It's a lesson. It's been learned. Time will tell. I need to learn patience. I can't always go hell bent for leather for everything. That's not safe and sane. I am learning and I appreciate every comment.

 

[eomerson]

Good luck BUT do not hesitate to bail if it truly isnt working. Be honest about it and dont be caught up in the feeling that you wont find someone better if this isnt what ypu want.

 

[artslut86]

I went through a similar thing. It took some time and explanation, but My Domme saw that I had learned and changed. Two things for you here. 1. Learn a little bit more b4 diving in. 2. Sometimes a person is just not a good fit. I'd be very wary turning up to a hotel after a couple of chats with a person online.

 

[eomerson]

Absolutely....coffee in a public place always first. This applies to any first meeting. You need to build trust. Do not become a statistic. Please be careful.

 

[K0fcali]

This sounds more like a misunderstanding than something worthy of a punishment. It has nothing to do with training and everything to do with this person's extremely overblown reaction to something very minor. "Betrayal" is a very strong word to throw around.

If someone is going to get that butthurt over you following some other people, then that someone is going to give you hell throughout a relationship with them.

I wouldn't beg for forgiveness; I'd be grateful I dodged a bullet.

Seriously i would not care if you followed some other guys because i know they could not compare to me. And if they were equal or greater than i am i would not deny you the experience/pleasure of meeting them.
That man sounds very angry hurt and deceptive. He definitely isnt who he claimed or you believed him to be.
You need to be more careful if youre planning to meet people from online irl.
I have met some of my best friends online but only after talking to them long enough to know they were legitimate decent people.