Talking to a friend about joining my wife and I

[bicuriohub]

Slightly lengthy post/thread here. So my wife and I have a friend that is single that we’ve both had an unofficial crush/lust over for quite awhile. My wife being bisexual is very open about stating who she’s attracted to and sharing it with me and I’m very cool with that. She has let me know(pre Covid) that she’d like to have a threesome-after being able to have some careful consideration of who could join us. I’m all for it and we’ve had plenty of discussions regarding any jealousy issues or what we’d like to do for eachother during the act.
We’ve found out for sure that our friend is bisexual and that has me relatively optimistic about pursuing something. What this post is about essentially is asking advice for some practical and respectful approaches to seeing if our friend would like to join us for a threesome. We’ve known for a few years and have been getting a little closer as far as hanging out with her for dinner and such(nothing overly romantic by any means at that point)
I also understand this could affect the friendship in certain ways so I’m also looking for any blunt advice or suggestions of all sorts.

 

[jehoram]

Find out what your friend's boundaries are first. Invite her over for a nude dinner or an "underwear dinner." If she doesn't take the invite, that will be a clue that she's not interested in getting more intimate with you.

 

[bicuriohub]

Find out what your friend's boundaries are first. Invite her over for a nude dinner or an "underwear dinner." If she doesn't take the invite, that will be a clue that she's not interested in getting more intimate with you.

Hmm I feel like a nude dinner might be going past a boundary lol. We’re all friends but that may be a bit too forward. Dinner and drinks at our place does sound good then maybe go from there

 

[Smoothshavendad]

Hmm I feel like a nude dinner might be going past a boundary lol. We’re all friends but that may be a bit too forward. Dinner and drinks at our place does sound good then maybe go from there

Have your wife dress super revealing and sexy

 

[bicuriohub]

Have your wife dress super revealing and sexy

I like that idea,I know she’s attracted to my wife for sure and that’ll help move things forward

 

[Smoothshavendad]

I like that idea,I know she’s attracted to my wife for sure and that’ll help move things forward

I agree. Perhaps even just lingerie?

 

[bicuriohub]

I agree. Perhaps even just lingerie?

I think maybe after drinks then absolutely. I want to be subtle to start but really try to open up the conversation sexually and keep going

 

[Smoothshavendad]

I think maybe after drinks then absolutely. I want to be subtle to start but really try to open up the conversation sexually and keep going

Then perhaps she can wear something that shows off that she has hot lingerie on. A sheer, low cut dress so some lace is revealed. Perhaps a daring slit in the dress That reveals her stockings and garter belt when crosses her legs....

 

[bicuriohub]

Then perhaps she can wear something that shows off that she has hot lingerie on. A sheer, low cut dress so some lace is revealed. Perhaps a daring slit in the dress That reveals her stockings and garter belt when crosses her legs....

There you go! You’re a smart fellow. Anytime my wife gets tipsy she gets waaay more friendly with girls anyway so I’d let her make her more comfortable while i get dinner ready.

 

[Smoothshavendad]

There you go! You’re a smart fellow. Anytime my wife gets tipsy she gets waaay more friendly with girls anyway so I’d let her make her more comfortable while i get dinner ready.

This is obviously a huge turn on for me.

 

[bicuriohub]

This is obviously a huge turn on for me.

I figured so, I’m glad I could assist with that. It’s definitely something we’ve wanted to do and I think the opportunity is there somewhere. We’re really into her and I hope we can do this.

 

[pplwatching]

If you value her friendship, then I think that you'd be better off leaving your friend out of your bedroom. Good friendships are valuable and should be treated as such, in my opinion. This isn't something that can be undone.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

If you value her friendship, then I think that you'd be better off leaving your friend out of your bedroom. Good friendships are valuable and should be treated as such, in my opinion. This isn't something that can be undone.

I agree with this 100%. I’d leave this in the land of fantasy.

OP, if you’re absolutely determined to push forward with this, I would not invite her over to a sexy dinner (everyone should be clothed normally and drinking should be whatever is typical for you all). I would recommend not having this dinner at your home. It shouldn’t seem like you’ve already decided for her. If she chooses to say yes, odds are you all hook up one or a few times and then the friendship ends. If she chooses to say no, the friendship probably ends. Make sure you’re prepared for this. It’s rare that it works out and be prepared to lose your friend.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Slightly lengthy post/thread here. So my wife and I have a friend that is single that we’ve both had an unofficial crush/lust over for quite awhile. My wife being bisexual is very open about stating who she’s attracted to and sharing it with me and I’m very cool with that. She has let me know(pre Covid) that she’d like to have a threesome-after being able to have some careful consideration of who could join us. I’m all for it and we’ve had plenty of discussions regarding any jealousy issues or what we’d like to do for eachother during the act.
We’ve found out for sure that our friend is bisexual and that has me relatively optimistic about pursuing something. What this post is about essentially is asking advice for some practical and respectful approaches to seeing if our friend would like to join us for a threesome. We’ve known for a few years and have been getting a little closer as far as hanging out with her for dinner and such(nothing overly romantic by any means at that point)
I also understand this could affect the friendship in certain ways so I’m also looking for any blunt advice or suggestions of all sorts.

My two cents' worth: speaking from personal experience, it is quite possible to have a threesome with a friend and remain friends afterwards, IF all three of you are adults and have similar ideas about sex & friendship, and IF you all put a fair bit of effort into making it work. It's also something that can go quite spectacularly wrongly if somebody doesn't handle it well (and it only takes one out of the three of you to fuck things up...) so you'll have to decide for yourself whether you like those chances.

If you choose to pursue this, my number one recommendation would be: do not create any pressure on her. Don't get her drunk and then pop the question, don't do it at your place in a situation where if she says "no" things are going to feel really awkward, don't do it in a way that requires her to give an immediate answer. (In other words, pretty much what ToPleaseHim said.)

My preferred approach is something like this: "Hey, [my partner and I] both think you're really attractive, and if you ever felt like sharing a bed with us, we would be honoured. But there's absolutely no obligation, and we won't bring this up again unless you tell us you're interested." And then clear out and give her time to think about it - or make the offer via email or similar.

I understand the attraction of the scenario where the two of you invite her over to dinner, everybody has a bit of wine to loosen inhibitions, and then One Thing Leads To Another. It's a sexy fantasy, but it increases the risk of fucking up, because making decisions like this while drunk and in the heat of the moment is a recipe for regret. If the friendship is important, better off talking things over while sober.

(And then, if she says yes, by all means invite her over to your place and have a candlelit dinner with wine and let things happen from there! But do the groundwork first.)

 

[IsItBad]

just some ideas

been there and done that and liked it alot

so:

the girl will be more open to something between her and the wife.....probably much easier to get things started with the wife seducing the girl one on one.....let her get things started....learn her boundaries etc.....THEN the wife can subtly suggest how SHE (the wife) thinks it would be so hot if the two of them were to have sex with YOU......all the wife's idea.....as if you and her never discussed it.....

without a doubt it will forever change your relationship with the girl....could be a change for the good....or ....she could run away.....all depends on her take on it once its happened

either way....super hot.....kudos for being able to openly discuss it with the wife.....and of course.....as things happen....be ready for the trade....in event you successfully have a fmf .....once your wife thinks it over a little she will probably want a mfm.....

anyway....its fabulous fun and i hope you can get it all to work out.....as you may have figured out...its perfect foreplay to discuss it and talk through it and get all worked up and fuck each others brains out while you think about it

good luck!

 

[bicuriohub]

If you value her friendship, then I think that you'd be better off leaving your friend out of your bedroom. Good friendships are valuable and should be treated as such, in my opinion. This isn't something that can be undone.

For sure,I appreciate your input. I understand it can change the dynamic drastically as far as a “normal friendship and I do value it. On the other hand I try to think in terms of the sexual nature of many people and the underlying desires that we don’t share as openly even if we really want to act on it. I feel it can be liberating and exciting if we were to all agree to such an experience.
She’s young and so are we and I think being able to explore is part of growing,wether or not this is right for our personal paths is unknown to any of us but I still like the idea of initiating something.
I also like the idea of my wife having those bisexual experiences without me included which would still change the friendship but i do believe it can be a good experience for both of them at least.

 

[bicuriohub]

I agree with this 100%. I’d leave this in the land of fantasy.

OP, if you’re absolutely determined to push forward with this, I would not invite her over to a sexy dinner (everyone should be clothed normally and drinking should be whatever is typical for you all). I would recommend not having this dinner at your home. It shouldn’t seem like you’ve already decided for her. If she chooses to say yes, odds are you all hook up one or a few times and then the friendship ends. If she chooses to say no, the friendship probably ends. Make sure you’re prepared for this. It’s rare that it works out and be prepared to lose your friend.

Thanks for your input as well. Yes now that you mention it I do think having dinner at our place would put her in an even more uncomfortable or vulnerable position. I wouldn’t want her to feel a sense of pressure especially with two of us and one of her “forcing” her to make a decision. I do think that would make her feel like we’re having her choose sexual experiences over a friendship.
I think exploring sexually is very healthy and important for couples and individuals. Everyone has different boundaries and beliefs too. For my wife and I and I’m sure many others,the notion of adding others to our sex lives would be a great time. Being able to open up to others can be shared and enjoyed but with friends might not be an easy task.

 

[bicuriohub]

My two cents' worth: speaking from personal experience, it is quite possible to have a threesome with a friend and remain friends afterwards, IF all three of you are adults and have similar ideas about sex & friendship, and IF you all put a fair bit of effort into making it work. It's also something that can go quite spectacularly wrongly if somebody doesn't handle it well (and it only takes one out of the three of you to fuck things up...) so you'll have to decide for yourself whether you like those chances.

If you choose to pursue this, my number one recommendation would be: do not create any pressure on her. Don't get her drunk and then pop the question, don't do it at your place in a situation where if she says "no" things are going to feel really awkward, don't do it in a way that requires her to give an immediate answer. (In other words, pretty much what ToPleaseHim said.)

My preferred approach is something like this: "Hey, [my partner and I] both think you're really attractive, and if you ever felt like sharing a bed with us, we would be honoured. But there's absolutely no obligation, and we won't bring this up again unless you tell us you're interested." And then clear out and give her time to think about it - or make the offer via email or similar.

I understand the attraction of the scenario where the two of you invite her over to dinner, everybody has a bit of wine to loosen inhibitions, and then One Thing Leads To Another. It's a sexy fantasy, but it increases the risk of fucking up, because making decisions like this while drunk and in the heat of the moment is a recipe for regret. If the friendship is important, better off talking things over while sober.

(And then, if she says yes, by all means invite her over to your place and have a candlelit dinner with wine and let things happen from there! But do the groundwork first.)

Thank you. Yes I really like your input on the matter. I like the idea especially of not putting any additional pressure on her to make a choice and the subtlety of your question mentioning our attraction to her and leaving it at that. I do think she’d be at least flattered and I have in the past told her that my wife thinks she’s very attractive. So even in the early stages of all of us hanging out she’s known the attraction is there.

 

[bicuriohub]

been there and done that and liked it alot

so:

the girl will be more open to something between her and the wife.....probably much easier to get things started with the wife seducing the girl one on one.....let her get things started....learn her boundaries etc.....THEN the wife can subtly suggest how SHE (the wife) thinks it would be so hot if the two of them were to have sex with YOU......all the wife's idea.....as if you and her never discussed it.....

without a doubt it will forever change your relationship with the girl....could be a change for the good....or ....she could run away.....all depends on her take on it once its happened

either way....super hot.....kudos for being able to openly discuss it with the wife.....and of course.....as things happen....be ready for the trade....in event you successfully have a fmf .....once your wife thinks it over a little she will probably want a mfm.....

anyway....its fabulous fun and i hope you can get it all to work out.....as you may have figured out...its perfect foreplay to discuss it and talk through it and get all worked up and fuck each others brains out while you think about it

good luck!

Thanks, I’m definitely okay with an MFM scenario too so I’m not past pleasing everyone involved. My wife leans heavily towards women though so it will mostly be FFM situations.
On one hand as I’ve mentioned in previous posts,I would be fine with my wife and her having their own time together even if I’m not even in the house. Both of them can enjoy eachother and have fun.
I’m not jealous and I want my wife to fulfill those personal desires so There’s potential for all of us to enjoy certain fantasies and desires

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Thanks for your input as well. Yes now that you mention it I do think having dinner at our place would put her in an even more uncomfortable or vulnerable position. I wouldn’t want her to feel a sense of pressure especially with two of us and one of her “forcing” her to make a decision. I do think that would make her feel like we’re having her choose sexual experiences over a friendship.
I think exploring sexually is very healthy and important for couples and individuals. Everyone has different boundaries and beliefs too. For my wife and I and I’m sure many others,the notion of adding others to our sex lives would be a great time. Being able to open up to others can be shared and enjoyed but with friends might not be an easy task.

I’ve had two threesome experiences. One was random and spontaneous and the friend and I are still friends 2 decades later (and the guy was a virtual stranger...ah to be young again, lol). The other was more recent and included a friend with whom I sadly can’t consider a friend any longer (didn’t even see this outcome coming, but she ghosted me). Even though we talked in advance and all three knew what we were doing, feelings happened from a variety of perspectives. I became an ex, he wanted to be with her instead, it was only casual for her though, and broken hearts happened. Just be prepared for the possible outcomes and talk BEFORE action.

 

[pplwatching]

I also like the idea of my wife having those bisexual experiences without me included which would still change the friendship but i do believe it can be a good experience for both of them at least.

You guys know your friend best and are in the best position to judge how she's going to react, but saying that "it can be a good experience for both of them" makes some pretty big assumptions about your friend and how she feels about your friendship.

I guess it depends on the nature of the friendship to begin with, and where you would like to be in the future. In your shoes, I might ask myself "how does this improve our friendship?" And, "what's in it for your friend?". Just sex? What exactly will make it a good experience for her?

In one possible sense, if we strip away the veneer on what you're trying to do and get to the unvarnished heart of the matter, you basically want a sexual experience/thrill and want to use your friend to get that experience. Is it just what you want, her accessibility, and what you know about her that makes her your "go to"? In that harsh light, if it reflects reality, then you're really just suggesting using her to have some fun. What does that say about your friendship?

Personally, I am very risk-averse when it comes to my friendships. I also compartmentalize the intimate part of my relationship with my wife, and keep that form of expressing our love just between the two of us. It's what makes it special for us, but I understand that's not the way a lot of people view the sexual aspect of their relationship.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[bicuriohub]

You guys know your friend best and are in the best position to judge how she's going to react, but saying that "it can be a good experience for both of them" makes some pretty big assumptions about your friend and how she feels about your friendship.

I guess it depends on the nature of the friendship to begin with, and where you would like to be in the future. In your shoes, I might ask myself "how does this improve our friendship?" And, "what's in it for your friend?". Just sex? What exactly will make it a good experience for her?

In one possible sense, if we strip away the veneer on what you're trying to do and get to the unvarnished heart of the matter, you basically want a sexual experience/thrill and want to use your friend to get that experience. Is it just what you want, her accessibility, and what you know about her that makes her your "go to"? In that harsh light, if it reflects reality, then you're really just suggesting using her to have some fun. What does that say about your friendship?

Personally, I am very risk-averse when it comes to my friendships. I also compartmentalize the intimate part of my relationship with my wife, and keep that form of expressing our love just between the two of us. It's what makes it special for us, but I understand that's not the way a lot of people view the sexual aspect of their relationship.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thanks so much for further elaboration in the matter,your guys’ opinions really do matter a lot to me. I can see all the points you’re making as far as using anyone for my sexual desires or even my wife’s and not considering even further aspects of what our friendship means to me.
I’m going to take it all to heart and consider these things. When it comes down to it my wife and I have made the decision to include other people in our sexual lives but maybe asking our friend to join might not be the best route.
Attraction is there on both sides so maybe allowing everyone a more equal part in the decision making would be a crucial factor.

 

[Bramblethorn]

been there and done that and liked it alot

so:

the girl will be more open to something between her and the wife.....probably much easier to get things started with the wife seducing the girl one on one.....let her get things started....learn her boundaries etc.....THEN the wife can subtly suggest how SHE (the wife) thinks it would be so hot if the two of them were to have sex with YOU......all the wife's idea.....as if you and her never discussed it.....

Sorry, but this is a terrible idea.

First: lying isn't exactly a great basis for a friendship.

Second: this kind of bait-and-switch is pretty well known. Even if she doesn't figure it out at the time, it's quite likely she'll hear discussion of it later and figure it out then, at which point she'll likely lose all respect for OP and his wife.

Third: if she's attracted to the wife, and happy to have sex with her, but not interested in the OP/husband... how does that work out? Requiring the wife to break off with her is a shitty thing to do, and sometimes goes hilariously wrong - I know of some cases where the wife's chosen to break off with the husband instead and ride off into the sunset with her new girlfriend. If the wife and girlfriend get to go on sleeping together but the husband isn't invited, that's not going to be much fun for the husband.

Bottom line, playing manipulative games with your friends is a good recipe for heartbreak and no friends. Honesty is the best policy.

 

[bicuriohub]

Sorry, but this is a terrible idea.

First: lying isn't exactly a great basis for a friendship.

Second: this kind of bait-and-switch is pretty well known. Even if she doesn't figure it out at the time, it's quite likely she'll hear discussion of it later and figure it out then, at which point she'll likely lose all respect for OP and his wife.

Third: if she's attracted to the wife, and happy to have sex with her, but not interested in the OP/husband... how does that work out? Requiring the wife to break off with her is a shitty thing to do, and sometimes goes hilariously wrong - I know of some cases where the wife's chosen to break off with the husband instead and ride off into the sunset with her new girlfriend. If the wife and girlfriend get to go on sleeping together but the husband isn't invited, that's not going to be much fun for the husband.

Bottom line, playing manipulative games with your friends is a good recipe for heartbreak and no friends. Honesty is the best policy.

Agreed,I definitely don’t want to be manipulative or make decisions for anyone else. I want any decisions to partake in sexual activity to be out in the open and upfront with everyone involved. However after some of the input I’ve seen here I still like the idea of all of us engaging in something but in a more open and honest fashion.
Rather than beating around the bush or using a dinner date as a segway into an overly fantasy based evening;I’d rather just be upfront.
On the third option you listed it’s a bit funny you’d mention that. This is actually a strange fantasy of mine(not included with any real life goals at all) to have my wife go off with this girl and then have their own thing without me,leaving me out intentionally. I guess a cuck type situation I suppose. Sorry that was beside the point lol but again I appreciate everyone’s feedback.

 

[yukonnights]

First, I concur with all the good advice to avoid trickery. That might be a short term win but a loss in the end.

I don't know how open the friendship is now in regard to conversations about sexual issues. But I know it if were me, I'd want to include that into our chit-chat first. Poly relationships are an interesting subject to talk about and it can be broached in a casual way — "Hey, I read an article on polyamorous relationships. What's your take on that?" … etc. It'd be a good way to find out where everyone stood on the "general topic". If everyone seems to think it's a positive lifestyle, then the seed is planted.

And like seeds, the blossoming can't be rushed. Just let it unfold if it's meant to grow. Water and nurture the seed into hopefully a beautiful flower.