Submissives - Words of Wisdom from Cascadiabound

[ToPleaseHim]

Structure and Self-Care for Unowned Submissives


I received a note recently asking me if I had any reference materials that focused on providing structure for a submissive who is currently without a Dominant. I didn’t, but I thought it was a good opportunity to write about it.

While I’ve never had a formal system, I have found in both in the time before I identified as a submissive, and in the times since, when I was without a Dom, that I naturally gravitate toward providing myself with a certain amount of structure. (To be clear I have always been a submissive, but I did not always have the words to identify as such.)

Creating structure for yourself in the absence of a Dom comes down to self care. You want to create routines for yourself that enforce predictability and healthy habits.

Some examples of things you might consider establishing as ‘rules’:

Going to bed by no less than 7 hours before you have to wake.
Being out of bed by a set time, even when you have nowhere to be. (say 10am?)
Regular exercise several times a week.
Reading a certain amount of pages per week.
Getting a vegetable with every meal.
Keep regular contact with friends and family members. (perhaps 1 call per week to 2-3 people)
Do all the dishes before bed each day.
Keep a chore list of things that need to be done each day, week, and month.

One you’ve decided the things you will be focusing on you may find it helpful to establish rewards for yourself. Some people, (like myself) who are organized by nature, may find reward just in having the routine, but for others there has to be incentive to motivate them.

You might consider taking out some money from the bank in one dollar bills, and placing a dollar in a jar each time you successfully follow one of your own rules. At the end of each week or month you can use that money to buy yourself something special. If this doesn’t seem like something you’d abide by, money is tight, or you generally just buy what you want anyway, then you might consider orgasm control instead. Put yourself on denial, and give yourself a point for each task completed. When you manage to reach a set number of points you allow yourself an orgasm.

There are a lot of reward systems out there but the basics of giving yourself structure are in creating beneficial routines, and motivations for doing them. It doesn’t have to be formal charts if that seems like drudgery to you.
You can reward yourself within the system. It can be as simple as when you get to bed on time all week you allow yourself to sleep in on weekends.Or making yourself wait to have any snacks/treats for the day until your work/chores are done. There are endless possibilities really, what matters is that you feel motivated to continue taking proper care of yourself.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Thank you for this @cascadiabound

 

[ToPleaseHim]

How to be a “Smart Submissive”

1. Ask. There are no stupid questions.
   • if you are unclear about what you are doing and the activity was initiated by your PYL’s instruction, seek clarification.
2. Be aware of what you need vs what you want
   • Remember an actual necessity (air, water, food, safety etc) and a desire are very different things.
3. Remain observant.
   • Pay attention to and be able to recognize your PYL’s usual behavior. If your PYL is not behaving “normally”, something seems off, ask about it, mention it. PYL’s are not super human – just like you they need and deserve comfort and understanding during rough times. D/s dynamic aside, be a good and reliable partner which includes caring for each other on an intimate level – both the big stuff and the everyday stuff.
   • When there are problems (and there will be), don’t ignore them or just hope they will solve themselves. Bring it up, name it, discuss it. Healthy confrontation is difficult and makes most everyone uncomfortable, but it is a necessary part of a healthy relationship. It is critical to address issues within the dynamic. (communication – communication- communication). If there is a conflict, something feels wrong or anything else – let it be known, or it will never get resolved.
4. Allow your PYL to bend your limits, not break them.
   • A gentle push is healthy, a rough shove is abusive.
5. Remain realistic.
   • Negotiate what your PYL has control over in your world. However, do not let them be the only thing in it. Develop and nurture hobbies, interests, work, school, something/anything you can invest your time/energy/creativity solely for your own benefit/growth and development. Have people in your life you talk to regularly and that you are able to confide in. Your PYL cannot be the only person in your life – that is an enormous red flag. If you are being isolated by your PYL – take note as this is a warning sign of an abuser.
6. Do your own research.
   • If you want to engage in activities that could be dangerous, do your own research about how to participate in them as safely as possible. You are responsible for keeping yourself safe. Your PYL should encourage and support information seeking to ensure your own safety.
   • Think of it like safe sex, never expect the other person to always have a condom when you can carry one yourself. The internet can be a useful/educational tool – exercise critical thinking, and use it to learn from credible sources.
7. Respect yourself.
   • Respect and retain your sense of self, even as you submit to and respect your PYL.
   • Do not let your need to submit, blind you to an inadequate “dominant” who does not have your best interests at heart or who may simply wish to take advantage of you.
8. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
   • This cannot be emphasized enough. Communicate your needs, your discomforts, your concerns, your interests, your perspective, your likes, and your thoughts. No matter how wonderful your PYL is, no matter how well you have gotten to know each other, they cannot read your mind. It is not fair to expect them to know your thoughts, wishes, desires, fears. It is imperative to communicate in your relationship. This is even more important if you are in a long distance relationship.
     
     
     Is it possible to be “too smart”? Well… I would say that sometimes we get too much in our own heads, perhaps think too much and constantly analyze and obsess. This type of thinking can be a road block to fully submitting. It can prevent you from “letting go” and trusting. It can cause you to worry that you are not being “the perfect submissive,” even though there is no such thing. This cautiousness can go from keeping yourself safe, to restricting yourself, very quickly. With the help of your PYL, seek to find that balance – something you can only do with a PYL who has earned your trust.