Russian dolls of vulnerability

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[LucyBee01]

Interesting thread Elle. For me, vulnerability is about opening up, with the knowledge I might get back love and good things, or rejection and not nice things. So it is scary.

Reminds me of something a wise person said to me about living as an adult - about being vulnerable, authentic and courageous. I guess in order to be vulnerable you have to do the other two too.

Whilst it is scary and so sensible to be careful about how much you open up and to who, for me it feels so... alive. Keeping closed doesn't help connecting with others.

Some rambling thoughts for you

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[cookiecat]

You mentioned in the last four days, you're rebounding from over-exposure. Was that here, on these boards or in real life? What made you feel so exposed? You don't have to be super specific. I'm just curious what triggers that.

The Russian nesting doll is a good comparison. I used to think of vulnerability as an onion; peeling off layers. But I like the idea of getting down to the smallest doll and that's the strongest because it's the most vulnerable.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[cookiecat]

Online is so weird. It's so easy to be way too open, creating virtual relationships that are just as real as our face to face relationships. We can openi up to people perhaps a world away. On the flip side, it's really easy to take things so personally, to read "tone" in to a post when nothing was intended.

In reading your posts, you seem very generous, very welcoming. You say you're a lot of things not good... we're our own worst critics.

I do like the idea of exploring those feelings here - you mentioned wanting to develop this idea of vulnerability here. I hope you can continue doing that.

The theme of building walls, of creating these shields in order to not get hurt seems to be a common one. I often feel like the Tin Man.

Why does being vulnerable feel weak? You mentioned not playing the victim.

I hope you reconciled your communication stuff.

And thanks for sharing this - it definitely is something that's been simmering in my head for a while.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[cascadiabound]

Some people should not be allowed to see beyond your surface. Seeing your vulnerability is a privilege, not meant for everyone.”
― Yasmin Mogahed

It’s only when someone really shows their vulnerability to another, and is accepted, flaws and all, can he or she really feel loved.”
― Brownell Landrum, A Chorus of Voices: DUET stories Volume III - Adult Version

The more you know yourself, the less judgemental you become”
― Aniekee Tochukwu

Vulnerability really means to be strong and secure enough within yourself that you are able to walk outside without your armor on. You are able to show up in life as just you. That is genuine strength and courage. Armor may look tough, but all it does is mask insecurity and fear.”
― Alaric Hutchinson, Living Peace

Vulnerability is an important topic to wrestle with. In relationships. Around sex. Around kink.
Thanks for the thread Elle and for these quotes which were particularly resonant for me.

I think it is true that I become vulnerable with others when I trust them. And this is a privilege of confidence when I show my vulnerable under belly. It is so much easier for me to be my confident bossy clear articulate self. The woman who knows herself and does not suffer fools gladly.

But I also am acutely aware that I am unable to make genuine connections with others without becoming vulnerable. That I must show at least parts of my true self with others. To elucidate and illuminate the things that matter to me and the things that have hurt me and caused me pain. Every time I do this I feel a tightness around my chest. I wonder if it is really worth it. If I am pouring my vulnerability into a black hole and if it will be used against me in some way.

I have some experience with this. I learned long ago to never make myself emotionally vulnerable to my father. That he would only use my vulnerability against me. That such knowledge would be weaponized and I would feel it stab me at the most surprising times... when I was least able to defend myself.
And given that the first relationship a woman has is with her father... the lessons of the dangers and weaponization of vulnerability has been powerful. Has required a great deal of intention to work against.

I would say that because of these deep and ancient hurts around vulnerability taught me by my father (lessons that I work daily to mitigate against) is part of why once I was able to break through and see what might be possible in the DD/lg lens it became deeply powerful to me as a way to find my way into trusting and leaning into a form of submission that has an innocent vulnerability at its core. It is part of what makes those images and ideas so potent for me.

I think I probably have some other things to add, but this is enough for now.
I have no idea if any of this makes sense.
I hope so. God I truly hope so.
~ cb

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[ToPleaseHim]

This is a compelling topic, Elle. Would you mind if I move it to Talk?

P.S. You should maybe make room for new PMs in your inbox.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SpunThings]

I spend so much time trying not to be vulnerable, which is a contributing factor to my social anxiety. I've been aware of maintaining emotional walls since my teens at least. I also learned early on that makes connection with others hard, so I've been working to find a better balance since then too. I think this is why I love being so vulnerable during play time with my husband. It feels both exhilarating, and safe.

I've adopted a rule for myself that I think is related to this. That rule is to be wrong sometimes. Not so much to intentionally be wrong, but to do things that could be wrong, but that I hope will be right. It's sort of like acknowledging that it's a bit arrogant to think I can be perfect, and that I need to let people see me stumble sometimes as a necessary part of growth.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SpunThings]

Yep, apparently you can be a slacker, procrastinator, slob, AND a perfectionist. I never knew until very recently that I am a perfectionist.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Vulnerability is a dangerous and double edged sword in my book.

It is unfortunate that baser instincts can be excited by it, pack mentality and an itch to move in for the kill. I must truly trust a person I am willingly vulnerable with. There are too many times when the seamy underbelly of humanity uses vulnerability as an excuse to attack or ridicule or foil. I don't think we can help this, nobody is completely invulnerable to this facet of ourselves. Being on the receiving end drives us back into our shell and perhaps goads us into actions we should not indulge in against others. A learned, negative, instinctual based behaviour.

However, vulnerability in a safe environment can act as antimatter to the above. Trust enhancing, empowering, sweet and satisfying soul food. Laying it all out there at the right time is an act that can instigate profound acceptance and reciprocation.

Vulnerability should be controlled when possible, consciously confined to safe areas of our lives when possible, and dealt with as gently as possible when seen in strangers - all in the hopes that the universe will reciprocate in kind. Unfortunately it doesn't always seem to work out that way, and our struggle goes on.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[cascadiabound]

Vulnerability is a dangerous and double edged sword in my book.

Vulnerability should be controlled when possible, consciously confined to safe areas of our lives when possible, and dealt with as gently as possible when seen in strangers - all in the hopes that the universe will reciprocate in kind.

CnC ~ I think you have really captured something important here.

 

[cookiecat]

I have to think this one through - keeping vulnerability in a controlled environment.

This strikes a chord in me. Finding the balance between keeping myself so closed off it takes forever to to get to that smallest doll vs. being so open everything ends up hurting.

cascadia wrote this:

But I also am acutely aware that I am unable to make genuine connections with others without becoming vulnerable. That I must show at least parts of my true self with others. To elucidate and illuminate the things that matter to me and the things that have hurt me and caused me pain. Every time I do this I feel a tightness around my chest. I wonder if it is really worth it. If I am pouring my vulnerability into a black hole and if it will be used against me in some way.

How to get past feeling like it will be used against you??? Maybe it goes back to what SpunThings says (and has been echoed by others) about not being perfect. Allowing ourselves some space to be wrong without feeling less than.

In the past, like SpunThings mentioned, I've used play with a trusted partner as a way to feel more open. Literally and figuratively. It's a huge reason I'm attracted to bdsm.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

So, darling CnC? would you most closely identify with this quote of the ones I selected for the Op? ..


Some people should not be allowed to see beyond your surface. Seeing your vulnerability is a privilege, not meant for everyone.”
― Yasmin Mogahed

I don't think so. I'm really not that guarded, though I probably should be. I have a huge capacity for pain, both physical and mental. It's the main reason I don't like pain with sex, I usually can't tell when I have had enough, most often resulting in my detriment. Au contraire, I show my most frivolous, vulnerable side here most often. Some people are frivolous on the surface, and hide their serious under self. I hide my serious surface, and let my inner child play here without restraint. She's vulnerable, but still with tough skin. You have to be trying really hard to mess with her. I know that seems inside out, but I'm ok with being inside out I do still recognize the reality of holding ones cards close to the chest, though, as most people do.

I more closely related to this gem
...
The more you know yourself, the less judgemental you become”
― Aniekee Tochukwu
...
I generally find people far too quick to judge others, usually in an attempt to hide from or cover up their own vulnerabilities.

CnC ~ I think you have really captured something important here.

How we internalize and externalize vulnerabilities in context to other humans just might be the fundamentals of the meaning of life

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Everyone seems to have there own particular vulnerabilities, even those that won't confess or show them, yes. Speaking or touching on certain topics, being in a large group of people, being alone, etc etc. Is it another nature vs. nurture thing?

 

[babslovesherdaddy]

Many times I have typed out responses to posts but deleted them because of my vulnerability or the vulnerability of my relationship.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Many times I have typed out responses to posts but deleted them because of my vulnerability or the vulnerability of my relationship.

I think we can all relate to that one!

 

[SpunThings]

I don't think so. I'm really not that guarded, though I probably should be. I have a huge capacity for pain, both physical and mental. It's the main reason I don't like pain with sex, I usually can't tell when I have had enough, most often resulting in my detriment. Au contraire, I show my most frivolous, vulnerable side here most often. Some people are frivolous on the surface, and hide their serious under self. I hide my serious surface, and let my inner child play here without restraint. She's vulnerable, but still with tough skin. You have to be trying really hard to mess with her. I know that seems inside out, but I'm ok with being inside out I do still recognize the reality of holding ones cards close to the chest, though, as most people do.

I more closely related to this gem
...
The more you know yourself, the less judgemental you become”
― Aniekee Tochukwu
...
I generally find people far too quick to judge others, usually in an attempt to hide from or cover up their own vulnerabilities.



How we internalize and externalize vulnerabilities in context to other humans just might be the fundamentals of the meaning of life

Interesting way of thinking about it.

I use my serious surface to hide my inner frivolous playful self.

Also, I have found not just knowing myself, but accepting myself has helped me judge others less. Also, judging others less makes me less judgemental of myself.

I have learned as strongly as I feel emotional and physical pain, I have a greater capacity for it than I ever realized.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Interesting way of thinking about it.

I use my serious surface to hide my inner frivolous playful self.

Also, I have found not just knowing myself, but accepting myself has helped me judge others less. Also, judging others less makes me less judgemental of myself.

I have learned as strongly as I feel emotional and physical pain, I have a greater capacity for it than I ever realized.

Yes, most people do hide their playful side, it's definitely a perceived vulnerability. Especially in the workplace, or where you don't intimately know the people you are interacting with. People think you artless and stupid, and they tend to dismiss or underestimate you. That gets on my nerves in real life, so I tend to avoid it. Here I don't give a rat's rainbow patootie about that Go ahead, please, underestimate and dismiss me