desecration
Virgin
- Joined
- Sep 14, 2021
- Posts
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We hear a lot about the negative Anonymous comments around here, but I thought I might break out a few that are either not wrong or, while maybe not something I can use, bring up some ideas worth thinking about. These are from the comments to my first story published here, "Trojan Horse":
You know, that's a good point. It could use some punching up. Then again, I was trying to keep it short at that point. It could have had more action, or at least more settings. It bothers me when a story occurs in six different chairs in three places.
It's an interesting assertion. Personally I like fleshing the stories out with detail, but some like more of the Raymond Carver approach, where you have "strategic details" instead of a more Victorian (think Dickens!) complete picture. As far as Tricia: she was the granddaughter of his grandmother's best friend, and Randall finally figured out that he was getting led around by his penis, and so he chose to accept the wisdom of the one person who it seems never let him down.
On the nose! I don't think it's Randall who is bad, just inexperienced, horny, and not really sure of himself. He needs to gain some confidence. I'm not sure I like him either; he's more of a demonstration of how all of us get a bit dumber and more selfish when we are making mistakes, and it takes a whap! upside the head to knock us out of it. At least, that's my experience, with me.
All true. It was there for the enjoyment of people here, and also, sort of, to sketch out a template.
Interesting thought. It did, on some levels, didn't it? On others, he was not geared toward harming his ex, since he knew she'd do that herself, or at least had already done it, because life as a soulless and selfish person can't be much fun (can it?). The point was that he wanted out of the horrible marriage so that he could find a good one, with actual love instead of the appearance of it. Good comment.
This is always good to consider.
That's a risk too. It was deliberately non-linear because memory is non-linear, but I'll grant you that it became a little twisty-turny.
What a nice comment about my writing. You may be right about nothing being memorable, although in my head, it seemed like the point was to show a fairly normal person making a normal mistake, and how to get out of it in his head first and then later, in real life.
A valid and fair complaint.
I appreciate you being willing to look for that story. "Trojan Horse" may just suck. We never know until time has passed.
That's really interesting. I haven't picked up one of those for years, but influences linger. I always liked the solemnity and reverence of the medieval period.
It's good to have a solid estimate of how much too long it is.
All good points. Randall tends toward the melancholic, but I think most people do, even if they hide it better than he does. We never hear from Gwen's perspective. I'll mark this one down as a potential weakness.
That's true. He was completely broadsided by her.
He eventually admits that it was his. He's not designed to be a superman, more like an everyman, albeit one with some skills, education, and money to keep things exciting.
"Finally forced him to get his head out of her ass" is a perfect summary, and I thank you for that! This story looks into pathologies. Gwen had one, and so did Randall. Those made them both a bit dumber than they would be if considering something more straightforward, like algebra or something. Then again, when I look at the divorces my friends have gone through, the pathologies win out in the end. He needs a wife who looks like success. She needs a man she can manipulate because she doesn't really trust men, except when she can control them with her, uh, "charms."
Yes, indeed. Good analysis on your part.
True. The bad guy getting away scot-free seems to be a theme I struggle with. Then again, you could view this one as ending with each party getting what is appropriate to them. Gwen remains loveless and working her sexual magic until she hits The Wall; Steve stays an egomaniac who will go nowhere in his career because he's a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen; Randall finally learned to humble himself and get with the reality picture. Satisfying? No, we all want Steve on a cross and Gwen burning in hellfire, on some level, while Randall gets sodomized by meth-crazed goats for his stupidity. But life is rarely that satisfactory, in that way, at least.
I appreciate your encouragement!
A great point. Maybe she does come to awareness. I like to think she might.
This could well be true. It's something to struggle with in the future.
Always an important thing, to make sure a story isn't "over-written." This one may be, although I couldn't find anything extraneous to the telling of the story or the psychological shift in the character. That may have been easier in first person, as another commenter suggested.
I think this one is on point. The focus shifts to Randall, and we don't see much about Gwen except that her scorn for him sort of overrides her common sense. This is one to remember.
True. I think it's unsatisfying. However, in my experience, the bad rarely get punished, except by themselves. Those who make themselves hollow end up having to live hollow lives, and even if they get all that they want, they never quite have the frame of mind to really enjoy it, and they have to live with being kind of unpleasant people, especially to themselves.
Maybe it needed a better view of inside Gwen's head.
It does have a lot of words, doesn't it? Maybe too many.
It made me chuckle and I don't know why. I appreciate your feedback.
There is a poetry in this which I will consider in the future.
You know, that's a good point. It could use some punching up. Then again, I was trying to keep it short at that point. It could have had more action, or at least more settings. It bothers me when a story occurs in six different chairs in three places.
It's an interesting assertion. Personally I like fleshing the stories out with detail, but some like more of the Raymond Carver approach, where you have "strategic details" instead of a more Victorian (think Dickens!) complete picture. As far as Tricia: she was the granddaughter of his grandmother's best friend, and Randall finally figured out that he was getting led around by his penis, and so he chose to accept the wisdom of the one person who it seems never let him down.
On the nose! I don't think it's Randall who is bad, just inexperienced, horny, and not really sure of himself. He needs to gain some confidence. I'm not sure I like him either; he's more of a demonstration of how all of us get a bit dumber and more selfish when we are making mistakes, and it takes a whap! upside the head to knock us out of it. At least, that's my experience, with me.
All true. It was there for the enjoyment of people here, and also, sort of, to sketch out a template.
Interesting thought. It did, on some levels, didn't it? On others, he was not geared toward harming his ex, since he knew she'd do that herself, or at least had already done it, because life as a soulless and selfish person can't be much fun (can it?). The point was that he wanted out of the horrible marriage so that he could find a good one, with actual love instead of the appearance of it. Good comment.
This is always good to consider.
That's a risk too. It was deliberately non-linear because memory is non-linear, but I'll grant you that it became a little twisty-turny.
What a nice comment about my writing. You may be right about nothing being memorable, although in my head, it seemed like the point was to show a fairly normal person making a normal mistake, and how to get out of it in his head first and then later, in real life.
A valid and fair complaint.
I appreciate you being willing to look for that story. "Trojan Horse" may just suck. We never know until time has passed.
That's really interesting. I haven't picked up one of those for years, but influences linger. I always liked the solemnity and reverence of the medieval period.
It's good to have a solid estimate of how much too long it is.
All good points. Randall tends toward the melancholic, but I think most people do, even if they hide it better than he does. We never hear from Gwen's perspective. I'll mark this one down as a potential weakness.
That's true. He was completely broadsided by her.
He eventually admits that it was his. He's not designed to be a superman, more like an everyman, albeit one with some skills, education, and money to keep things exciting.
"Finally forced him to get his head out of her ass" is a perfect summary, and I thank you for that! This story looks into pathologies. Gwen had one, and so did Randall. Those made them both a bit dumber than they would be if considering something more straightforward, like algebra or something. Then again, when I look at the divorces my friends have gone through, the pathologies win out in the end. He needs a wife who looks like success. She needs a man she can manipulate because she doesn't really trust men, except when she can control them with her, uh, "charms."
Yes, indeed. Good analysis on your part.
True. The bad guy getting away scot-free seems to be a theme I struggle with. Then again, you could view this one as ending with each party getting what is appropriate to them. Gwen remains loveless and working her sexual magic until she hits The Wall; Steve stays an egomaniac who will go nowhere in his career because he's a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen; Randall finally learned to humble himself and get with the reality picture. Satisfying? No, we all want Steve on a cross and Gwen burning in hellfire, on some level, while Randall gets sodomized by meth-crazed goats for his stupidity. But life is rarely that satisfactory, in that way, at least.
I appreciate your encouragement!
A great point. Maybe she does come to awareness. I like to think she might.
This could well be true. It's something to struggle with in the future.
Always an important thing, to make sure a story isn't "over-written." This one may be, although I couldn't find anything extraneous to the telling of the story or the psychological shift in the character. That may have been easier in first person, as another commenter suggested.
I think this one is on point. The focus shifts to Randall, and we don't see much about Gwen except that her scorn for him sort of overrides her common sense. This is one to remember.
True. I think it's unsatisfying. However, in my experience, the bad rarely get punished, except by themselves. Those who make themselves hollow end up having to live hollow lives, and even if they get all that they want, they never quite have the frame of mind to really enjoy it, and they have to live with being kind of unpleasant people, especially to themselves.
Maybe it needed a better view of inside Gwen's head.
It does have a lot of words, doesn't it? Maybe too many.
It made me chuckle and I don't know why. I appreciate your feedback.
There is a poetry in this which I will consider in the future.
