Mental Illness

[FurryFury]

Does he have a diagnosis? This sounds like my mom. She hates me and blames me one minute. Loves me and wants my help which she won't actually allow, the next.

*HUGS*

Thank you SO much, Elle. You don't know how much I needed to hear this right now. My mom finally went back to bed, and all I can do is cry, not because of what he may think about me right now, but because there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to help him. All I can do is just sit and wait. And it hurts so much.

 

[BiBunny]

*Hugs* to everyone in this thread who needs them right now.

 

[gypsy*seer]

Does he have a diagnosis? This sounds like my mom. She hates me and blames me one minute. Loves me and wants my help which she won't actually allow, the next.

*HUGS*

Hi FF and thank you,
I'm sorry that you continue with this...I know what it's like to have your hands full with people (mothers and SO's) that have a push-me-pull-you response. Can't seem to find a middle ground.

No diagnosis because he didn't stay at the hospital. I'm kicking myself because when his sister called me from there, I wasn't thinking clearly enough when he said he didn't want me to come, I didn't listen, and said I'd be there in a flash. By the time I was backing out of the driveway, they were coming back home.
That was three days ago, and it seems like today and three years ago all at the same time. We have our issues, and he has plenty of his. He wants to go to couples therapy (has for years) and I think that's the only way for him to allow himself to get any help. I'll absolutely go, but with our finances, it may take a couple more days to find one. He has taken away my use of his car (that I've been paying him for for 11 months) saying that well...he needs to put insurance on it for me to drive, as well as shut of the cable tv to the building, which is ok, since he was paying for it. But my mother's main source of entertainment is her computer games and tv. She has stage 4 lung cancer - treatment didn't work. There are other issues, but this would be a page long rant. He says that he's just making sure everyone is "safe". Whatever that means in his current state of mind. Mornings are better that nights, psychologically and physically since he has debilitating back/leg pain. You just never can tell what pain will do to a person - mentally, physically and spiritually.

Sorry - still a rant.

Thank you, Bunz.

 

[FurryFury]

So sorry. *hugs* Does he have paranoia?

Hi FF and thank you,
I'm sorry that you continue with this...I know what it's like to have your hands full with people (mothers and SO's) that have a push-me-pull-you response. Can't seem to find a middle ground.

No diagnosis because he didn't stay at the hospital. I'm kicking myself because when his sister called me from there, I wasn't thinking clearly enough when he said he didn't want me to come, I didn't listen, and said I'd be there in a flash. By the time I was backing out of the driveway, they were coming back home.
That was three days ago, and it seems like today and three years ago all at the same time. We have our issues, and he has plenty of his. He wants to go to couples therapy (has for years) and I think that's the only way for him to allow himself to get any help. I'll absolutely go, but with our finances, it may take a couple more days to find one. He has taken away my use of his car (that I've been paying him for for 11 months) saying that well...he needs to put insurance on it for me to drive, as well as shut of the cable tv to the building, which is ok, since he was paying for it. But my mother's main source of entertainment is her computer games and tv. She has stage 4 lung cancer - treatment didn't work. There are other issues, but this would be a page long rant. He says that he's just making sure everyone is "safe". Whatever that means in his current state of mind. Mornings are better that nights, psychologically and physically since he has debilitating back/leg pain. You just never can tell what pain will do to a person - mentally, physically and spiritually.

Sorry - still a rant.

Thank you, Bunz.

 

[gypsy*seer]

So sorry. *hugs* Does he have paranoia?

Yes he does.

Been doing some research today and I believe it may be schizophrenia.

Not what I wanted to find out.

 

[Setanta84]

I'm starting to realize when I feel "instant chemistry" with a woman, I'm not really feeling chemistry but am, on some level, picking up that she has the personality/mental issues my parents did and that's why she feels familiar--and I should be extremely wary of that feeling. And it depresses the fuck out of me.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[FurryFury]

I understand.

*hugs*

It's manageable if the individual is willing to do what it takes. But the very disease makes that difficult.

Yes he does.

Been doing some research today and I believe it may be schizophrenia.

Not what I wanted to find out.

 

[malefica]

I have anxiety - abet infrequently - but I've finally got to the point of self-referring myself to a local counselling service after two years since a Doctor recommended it to me. Mostly I need a little less someone to talk to, and more coping methods so then I can deal with it on my own.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm starting to realize when I feel "instant chemistry" with a woman, I'm not really feeling chemistry but am, on some level, picking up that she has the personality/mental issues my parents did and that's why she feels familiar--and I should be extremely wary of that feeling. And it depresses the fuck out of me.

Recognizing that pattern (this person is comfy! wait a minute...) is the first step to sussing out the good familiar vs the bad familiar.

The next step is doing the work to analyze/isolate the good stuff from the bad stuff, and start developing boundaries to invite the good bits into your life and exclude the bad. The same as anyone (ideally) does to develop healthy relationships, just with an extra step or six.

If you pay attention to your needs/those you associate with what I'll call "bad juju", you may even be able to get to a point where the healthy behaviors/attitudes you need create WAAAAAY more yummy good stuff chemistry than the old tapes from unhealthy familial patterns. Total pain in the ass, but so worth it.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Setanta84]

Recognizing that pattern (this person is comfy! wait a minute...) is the first step to sussing out the good familiar vs the bad familiar.

The next step is doing the work to analyze/isolate the good stuff from the bad stuff, and start developing boundaries to invite the good bits into your life and exclude the bad. The same as anyone (ideally) does to develop healthy relationships, just with an extra step or six.

If you pay attention to your needs/those you associate with what I'll call "bad juju", you may even be able to get to a point where the healthy behaviors/attitudes you need create WAAAAAY more yummy good stuff chemistry than the old tapes from unhealthy familial patterns. Total pain in the ass, but so worth it.

Thanks for the charitable reply.

I'm working on it. And I think I am, in fits and starts, making some progress.

This week, for instance, I ran into the ex I have discussed a lot in this thread and she was--as she has been for nearly two years now--very hostile. She basically wanted to start a fight. And she brought up a few things about our past that, in the past, would have led me to explode at her. But I didn't let her bait me.

Instead, I pointed out I met someone who helped me sort out some of my anger about all that and I'm no longer mad. In fact, I forgive her for what she did.

"Who helped you?"

"A woman."

Then the dynamics of that conversation immediately shifted and she started being super nice to me. Asking me what she had helped me realize, telling me the relationship wasn't all that bad, that I was being too hard on myself--when I went into what I realized about my part in making that level of dysfunction possible--etc.

It's the first time since I've known her that I've literally seen her switch from the end-stage of the cycle of abuse to the beginning--like it was a fucking light switch. Like she is literally some machine that has three settings: Idealize, Devalue, Discard.

So I both didn't let her suck me into her weird mind-game shit and--in avoiding that and going off script--I got to see what's she's really like happen in front of my face. It was weird. But good weird, I guess.

 

[FurryFury]

Good for you!

I have anxiety - abet infrequently - but I've finally got to the point of self-referring myself to a local counselling service after two years since a Doctor recommended it to me. Mostly I need a little less someone to talk to, and more coping methods so then I can deal with it on my own.

 

[FurryFury]

My mother once again is cutting me out of her life. Her feelings matter. I'm not allowed to have any. If I won't let her control we don't have a good relationship and "it's too painful."

As painful as this is to me, the one who is not allowed to feel anything, I'm kind of hoping she sticks to it this time. Might be freeing.

 

[desertslave]

My mother once again is cutting me out of her life. Her feelings matter. I'm not allowed to have any. If I won't let her control we don't have a good relationship and "it's too painful."

As painful as this is to me, the one who is not allowed to feel anything, I'm kind of hoping she sticks to it this time. Might be freeing.

HUGS

I can completely understand your feeling. Situations that are on again/off again are exhausting, frustrating, and confusing.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[FurryFury]

Thank you and I get what you are saying about possibly feeling relieved.

I will admit that was scared that I would feel guilty when my maternal grandmother died. Instead I knew I'd honored and loved her as much as she would allow to happen in a healthy way. I felt relieved for her pain to stop and for me as well. I also felt empowered because I would no longer have my mother and my grand ganging up on me to negatively judge and attempt to manipulate me.

Furry fury, my huge sympathy. I understand how you feel all too well . I have some guilt over my feelings about my parents, and I try and remember that they are victims of their upbringings, circumstances etc etc , and probably did the best they could do, with the skill set available. Your mother might just not have empathy or putting other's considerations / emotions as part of her 'skillset'. Be happy that you have grown differently. You clearly show concern for your child and are friendly here.

I have terrible guilt that sometimes I recognise that while I will of course be sad I also think I might be guilty relieved when my parents die and the strings stop being attempted to be pulled . Its a horrific admission I know. I feel guilty, and very wicked because of it when it crosses my mind.

 

[FurryFury]

I want to be done. The more my mother wants to disown me the better it sounds. How can I be done so that she can't tear me up and down all the time? Must find a way.

 

[desertslave]

I want to be done. The more my mother wants to disown me the better it sounds. How can I be done so that she can't tear me up and down all the time? Must find a way.

I haven't had to do it with a parent, but I've done it with two toxic "friends" in two different instances. You have to not return calls, not listen to messages left, not read emails or posts. You have to aggressively excise that person from your life. It can feel horrible at times, but if you know this is a person who can harm more than nurture you, you need to rely on those bad times to be the foundation of your convictions.

HUGS!

 

[BiBunny]

I haven't had to do it with a parent, but I've done it with two toxic "friends" in two different instances. You have to not return calls, not listen to messages left, not read emails or posts. You have to aggressively excise that person from your life. It can feel horrible at times, but if you know this is a person who can harm more than nurture you, you need to rely on those bad times to be the foundation of your convictions.

HUGS!

That. ^^^^

I hate the "forgive and forget so you can heal" notion. Screw that. Resent and remember.

The resenting gives you strength, and the remembering keeps you from making the same mistakes over and over again. Eventually, you become so divorced from the whole thing by doing that that you can't even be bothered to resent anymore because it's too much effort to put forth for someone who doesn't even register in your mind anymore. And that is when you're completely done with it.

But you still remember. Even if you don't think about it often, you don't forget. If you get hung up in a barbed-wire fence, you get scars, and those scars are there for a reason--to remind you that climbing over/under/through the fence is ridiculous because there's a gate you can use instead.

Or at least that's what has worked for me, numerous times with numerous people over numerous things, for the last several years. But I admit that spite is an enormous motivator for me, so that may have something to do with it.

*Hugs for FF*

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks so much! *hugs*

 

[desertslave]

I've been having a rough bunch of days. Something I've learned about me, recently, is that I feel better when I send love into the universe. So I'm sending all of my thread-friends love tonight. I'm so grateful for everyone who has participated on this thread.

 

[FurryFury]

*HUGS* and love back atcha!

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[FurryFury]

Not sure what I should / should NOT do. My mother called yesterday while I was at work. She is saying she hasn't called lately "because you like it that way" as if she isn't the one that said she was cutting off contact because our relationship was "not optimal" and was "too painful" for her. Now she wants to know when to come over and "see everyone" x'mas day. IF she is well enough. She "wants" to bring us presents aka bribe us.