Me. Here. Now.

[adrina]

Wow, thank you for sharing your story! That was beautifully written and profound. I can relate to growing up in that type of atmosphere, you learn to protect yourself however you can.

I hope that by sharing your story, you can put all of those "demons" to rest and let the light shine through. That took a lot of courage to post that and I'm sure a lot of others can relate to a lot of what you posted.

Letting it go is a wonderful thing... You just did that.

L.O.L = Language of Love

Thank you.

Growing up in an atmosphere of hostility, aggression and violence messed with me for many many years. I remember a time in my teenage years when I felt shell shocked. They would probably call it PTSD now. I remember that I couldn't deal with or express any deep emotion. I cried over just about everything. Any time I would try to speak about feelings I would clam up because I couldn't form the words let alone get them out. I was in hysterics a lot. It was a strange time. And although I can speak and verbalize emotions and feelings now, I have to admit I am still more comfortable in the written word.

In getting this out of me... putting it out there... it has been very therapeutic. I feel less burdened by it. I don't know if I have entirely let go of it, but it has lost some of its grip on me.

 

[adrina]

It is believed that consciousness can only exist with language, that we can not think or understand, what we can not articulate. But I think we only really articulate our thoughts by sharing them.

(I think a lot, that's why I never shut up. )

By putting your words before us, you put your thoughts in order in your own mind. It's like a self induced moment of clarity.

You are strong, my sister. You are beautiful and brave.


Do You Realize?

I've always said you are a smart cookie.

I've held these things in for so long. I've carried them around for... too long. Yet in all honesty, I believe it has taken a certain amount of time and maturity in order for me to be able to put this out there. I tried to fake it, pretend that it was okay, that I was okay. But then to be fair to myself, I did not know how to deal with any of this. How does one recover from losing their everything, their world? Especially knowing that he did too. There was no "luxury" of hate. Just the sure knowledge that both of us were hurt and hurting. And it didn't matter. Obligations were obligations, there was no choice.

It is time to lay the past to rest. So that I can rest too.

I am grateful for and humbled by your friendship and support.

 

[adrina]

I went looking for you thinking you had gone silent only to find the exact opposite has taken place.

I can let go of the worry and watch you spread your wings.

Sometimes one must contract in order to expand.

 

[adrina]

Adrina,

Sharing your story with us also shared your bravery and grace. You remind us of the risk and pain we find in living our lives, while also so beautifully showing us what strength looks like.

Facing your own past and path and reflecting on your love, loss and hopes in such an honest way is something we could all learn from.

I hope that the process helps the healing and blooming as others have said, and that you are able to welcome everything your heart desires into your life. However it works out, you've shown this little corner of the internet-forum-land some real character and beauty.

Awww Groove.

I've been so incredibly humbled by the support I have received for this. I knew, or at least believed, that I wouldn't receive negativity but I had no idea how many people would be there to help hold me up.

 

[Dribble]

I have been clean over 30 yrs now in a 12 step fellowship...i have seen thousands share their stories and it is rare one does so w the understanding Adrina has. I have some serious respect for this girl.

 

[MelissaBaby]

I've always said you are a smart cookie.

I've held these things in for so long. I've carried them around for... too long. Yet in all honesty, I believe it has taken a certain amount of time and maturity in order for me to be able to put this out there. I tried to fake it, pretend that it was okay, that I was okay. But then to be fair to myself, I did not know how to deal with any of this. How does one recover from losing their everything, their world? Especially knowing that he did too. There was no "luxury" of hate. Just the sure knowledge that both of us were hurt and hurting. And it didn't matter. Obligations were obligations, there was no choice.

It is time to lay the past to rest. So that I can rest too.

I am grateful for and humbled by your friendship and support.

I was a prisoner for a short time. You've been one much longer.

Breathe free, dear heart, breathe free.

 

[richard_daily]

When you post your truths, it gives you a space to see it all, and sort it all out.

I hope you can use it as a spring board. Out of chaos comes whatever you make of it...

Good luck on your journey!

 

[adrina]

I have been clean over 30 yrs now in a 12 step fellowship...i have seen thousands share their stories and it is rare one does so w the understanding Adrina has. I have some serious respect for this girl.

Thank you.

I was a prisoner for a short time. You've been one much longer.

Breathe free, dear heart, breathe free.

I think I'm getting closer...

When you post your truths, it gives you a space to see it all, and sort it all out.

I hope you can use it as a spring board. Out of chaos comes whatever you make of it...

Good luck on your journey!

And it has. Given me space to help sort this out.



I think that holding on to this grief was a way of holding on to him. No, not purposefully or consciously making that choice. But it was all I had left. I lost so much when I lost him.

The thing is however... is that is not what I want to remember, to take forward. All this grief, this sorrow. I want to remember that he adored my strong mind and my forceful opinions. That he laughed at my bad puns. How he worked with me through my sometimes awkward moments. That he loved me not only in spite of them, but even for them. His seemingly endless patience with me, his self control when facing the challenges I presented. His pride in me. His honor and integrity, his intelligence and generosity of spirit. How because of all these and more, I wanted nothing more than to make him happy. That when we were together, our minds and hearts often functioned as one. How he loved me and how he cherished my love for him.

Those are the things I want to remember, to take forward with me through time. I cannot have him - he is lost to me - but no one can take the memory of our love and our bond from me. Not even myself.

 

[Farawyn]

Welcome, and thank you.

I’m happy here. I found real love. Tangible love. Yes, we met here, but it is an in the flesh relationship. Friends first, and then so much more.
Right here in the BDSM Cafe.

Take it slow.
We already all love you and are rooting for you.