adrina
Heretic
- Joined
- Feb 27, 2017
- Posts
- 21,363
Oh where to begin boys and girls. We all have trauma and drama in our past. Some more than others. Some less than others. But it's all there as fodder for our inner demons to wreak havoc with ourselves and our lives.
My tale begins as a very young girl. Our family adopted a boy, a teenage boy, when I was very young. He came from a troubled home but we were naive to the reality of his existence and the damage that could be wrought. The fights started very quickly between my father, who was trying to tame and control this wild child, and my adopted brother. Loud, acerbic, toxic, violent fights. Daily, sometimes several times a day. There was no escape. My mother tried to shield my sister and I as best as she could but there was no quiet room, no safe space. There was just the relentless drumbeat of the daily grind of violence and fighting.
By the time my adopted brother left the house, I had endured this for almost ten years. This is how I grew up. I came to learn that men could not control themselves, their anger, their emotions. That their anger would be used against me instead of to protect me. My father had turned into a rage-aholic from all of those years. His anger had become habit. I was never hit or physically abused - nor was my sister. But the anger, the rage, the need to control had been deeply ingrained within him by then. I never heard my father say the words "I love you" as a child.
To say this colored my experiences with men would be the understatement of the century. It didn't help that I was and am a complicated personality. I had very few boyfriends growing up and the ones I did lasted no more than three months. Most no more than a month. I was too needy, too emotional, too smart, too weird. And they were not up to the task of making up for the demons in my past - nor could they be expected to.
This pattern held for many years. Through high school, college and into my twenties. In my early thirties I was making earnest efforts to find ways to cope, to make changes. I joined a website devoted to relationship advice and found a wellspring of knowledge and wisdom to work with. The internet opened up a world to me that I had not known existed. My horizons broadened, my outlook changed. I gained a sense of adventure. I learned that men are people too. I had a few online emotional affairs - a completely new experience for me. Being emotionally intimate with men. It felt so good. It was soothing and helped me learn that men could be trusted, could control themselves, could control their emotions. Could be more than angry and violent.
All of these relationships had a tinge of d/s. That is just the reality. A submissive is still a submissive regardless of their ability to articulate it. In my adventures on the net, I discovered the old chat rooms and that is where I first encountered the concept. It was, again, a whole new world. It was a revelation. When the first toy you buy is a pair of nipple clamps - yes even at 18 when I could legally go do so - it is a sure sign that the kinkier side of life resonates within you. I remember the AOL doms... oh lordy. There's an adventure. But I was very fortunate. I met some very good men, some very good doms. I would find men to talk to and would spend hours with them, sharing, getting to know them, letting them get to know me. Sharing fantasies, even cybering. I look back on those days very fondly.
After a while though, the chat rooms became overran with bots and I felt I needed more. I needed more than just cyber and personal interaction. I needed... community. I needed a place with others that I could relate to, learn from, interact with in full knowledge that my kinky side would be accepted without it being the crapshoot of chat rooms. So armed with google and the history of my experience with the relationship advice website, I went in search again. And I found a place. Not Lit, but very much like it. Stories on one side, forums on another. I joined and made friends. It was like cool water running over me, I felt... at home. That is where I met him.
He approached me as friend. We talked on yahoo for hours on end, for several months. We grew close. I was closer to him than to anyone I had ever been. After a handful of months, he broached the subject of trying d/s with him, being together. He didn't have to convince me. I had been feeling these things for him. And so we started our d/s journey together. He is the one that taught me about the bonds of d/s. The circular nature of the relationship, the power exchange, the dedication of sub to dom and of dom to sub. How one validates and reaffirms the other. We grew even closer. We became each other's everything. We were planning our life together.
Until.
Until he was pulled away from me by the obligation of his heretofore unknown child. Our world shattered. I shattered. He left me to fulfill his obligations. His own family history demanded it. I was left trying to pull myself and my life together while grieving like I had never grieved before. Friends tried to help as best as they could but the reality is that my life had been forever altered. Everything that was him was no longer there. I had to leave.
Some very dear friends came to my rescue. I moved several thousand miles away to escape, to start fresh, to get away. That was a bit over ten years ago. But the problem with escaping is that inner demons travel with you regardless of where you go. I have spent many years trying to bury my past, to escape the sorrow and grief of this loss. To the point of self medication. I trudged through my day to day life, drank through many of my evenings. Floundering. But not really knowing what to do, how to repair this damage inside of me. I avoided all things bdms and d/s. I just couldn't... deal with that reality. But in my fantasies, when I would pleasure myself... the truth could not be hidden. It was the one aspect of bdsm I allowed in my life. And I never fantasized about him. Else I would end up crying. Even now it is a fantasy I do not allow myself.
A few years ago the drinking came to a head. I was facing severe periodontal issues. In my fight for my teeth, I regained my sobriety. It took a full two years to save my teeth with many treatments and a lot of sleep and aspirin. I would literally come home from work, nap for a few hours, eat dinner and sleep the rest of the night until morning. That was my reality for almost two years.
I had joined another website a few years prior, a non relationship, non kinky forum. Just a regular discussion forum. There I met another man. He had been watching me for some time. I had no idea. He approached me and we started emailing and messaging. He had family in this state but lived a few states over. He was significantly younger - about a dozen or so years - but we were happy chatting and spending time together on the net. But he didn't want me to fall in love with him even though he said he loved me. When I began to have feelings for him, he pushed me away in an attempt to protect me.
In grieving for him, the feelings of grief from losing my love from so many years ago resurfaced. I suppose I never really fully dealt with them so it was inevitable. I didn't know where to turn or what to do. So again, I turned to google and searched for bdsm friendly forums. And I found Lit. I registered here. But the problem is that I haven't been able to re-embrace the world of bdsm and yet I haven't been able to leave it behind. So I sit here in a bit of a limbo. Wanting an outlet for these stirrings within me but not exactly sure if I can face them fully. But yet... here I am.
Why am I posting this? Confession? Catharsis? Trying to put demons to rest? Giving myself a voice for this? All of the above? Mainly I think because I am tired of living in this inbetween space of being neither here nor there and by telling my story, I give voice to my history and what has made me who I am.
My tale begins as a very young girl. Our family adopted a boy, a teenage boy, when I was very young. He came from a troubled home but we were naive to the reality of his existence and the damage that could be wrought. The fights started very quickly between my father, who was trying to tame and control this wild child, and my adopted brother. Loud, acerbic, toxic, violent fights. Daily, sometimes several times a day. There was no escape. My mother tried to shield my sister and I as best as she could but there was no quiet room, no safe space. There was just the relentless drumbeat of the daily grind of violence and fighting.
By the time my adopted brother left the house, I had endured this for almost ten years. This is how I grew up. I came to learn that men could not control themselves, their anger, their emotions. That their anger would be used against me instead of to protect me. My father had turned into a rage-aholic from all of those years. His anger had become habit. I was never hit or physically abused - nor was my sister. But the anger, the rage, the need to control had been deeply ingrained within him by then. I never heard my father say the words "I love you" as a child.
To say this colored my experiences with men would be the understatement of the century. It didn't help that I was and am a complicated personality. I had very few boyfriends growing up and the ones I did lasted no more than three months. Most no more than a month. I was too needy, too emotional, too smart, too weird. And they were not up to the task of making up for the demons in my past - nor could they be expected to.
This pattern held for many years. Through high school, college and into my twenties. In my early thirties I was making earnest efforts to find ways to cope, to make changes. I joined a website devoted to relationship advice and found a wellspring of knowledge and wisdom to work with. The internet opened up a world to me that I had not known existed. My horizons broadened, my outlook changed. I gained a sense of adventure. I learned that men are people too. I had a few online emotional affairs - a completely new experience for me. Being emotionally intimate with men. It felt so good. It was soothing and helped me learn that men could be trusted, could control themselves, could control their emotions. Could be more than angry and violent.
All of these relationships had a tinge of d/s. That is just the reality. A submissive is still a submissive regardless of their ability to articulate it. In my adventures on the net, I discovered the old chat rooms and that is where I first encountered the concept. It was, again, a whole new world. It was a revelation. When the first toy you buy is a pair of nipple clamps - yes even at 18 when I could legally go do so - it is a sure sign that the kinkier side of life resonates within you. I remember the AOL doms... oh lordy. There's an adventure. But I was very fortunate. I met some very good men, some very good doms. I would find men to talk to and would spend hours with them, sharing, getting to know them, letting them get to know me. Sharing fantasies, even cybering. I look back on those days very fondly.
After a while though, the chat rooms became overran with bots and I felt I needed more. I needed more than just cyber and personal interaction. I needed... community. I needed a place with others that I could relate to, learn from, interact with in full knowledge that my kinky side would be accepted without it being the crapshoot of chat rooms. So armed with google and the history of my experience with the relationship advice website, I went in search again. And I found a place. Not Lit, but very much like it. Stories on one side, forums on another. I joined and made friends. It was like cool water running over me, I felt... at home. That is where I met him.
He approached me as friend. We talked on yahoo for hours on end, for several months. We grew close. I was closer to him than to anyone I had ever been. After a handful of months, he broached the subject of trying d/s with him, being together. He didn't have to convince me. I had been feeling these things for him. And so we started our d/s journey together. He is the one that taught me about the bonds of d/s. The circular nature of the relationship, the power exchange, the dedication of sub to dom and of dom to sub. How one validates and reaffirms the other. We grew even closer. We became each other's everything. We were planning our life together.
Until.
Until he was pulled away from me by the obligation of his heretofore unknown child. Our world shattered. I shattered. He left me to fulfill his obligations. His own family history demanded it. I was left trying to pull myself and my life together while grieving like I had never grieved before. Friends tried to help as best as they could but the reality is that my life had been forever altered. Everything that was him was no longer there. I had to leave.
Some very dear friends came to my rescue. I moved several thousand miles away to escape, to start fresh, to get away. That was a bit over ten years ago. But the problem with escaping is that inner demons travel with you regardless of where you go. I have spent many years trying to bury my past, to escape the sorrow and grief of this loss. To the point of self medication. I trudged through my day to day life, drank through many of my evenings. Floundering. But not really knowing what to do, how to repair this damage inside of me. I avoided all things bdms and d/s. I just couldn't... deal with that reality. But in my fantasies, when I would pleasure myself... the truth could not be hidden. It was the one aspect of bdsm I allowed in my life. And I never fantasized about him. Else I would end up crying. Even now it is a fantasy I do not allow myself.
A few years ago the drinking came to a head. I was facing severe periodontal issues. In my fight for my teeth, I regained my sobriety. It took a full two years to save my teeth with many treatments and a lot of sleep and aspirin. I would literally come home from work, nap for a few hours, eat dinner and sleep the rest of the night until morning. That was my reality for almost two years.
I had joined another website a few years prior, a non relationship, non kinky forum. Just a regular discussion forum. There I met another man. He had been watching me for some time. I had no idea. He approached me and we started emailing and messaging. He had family in this state but lived a few states over. He was significantly younger - about a dozen or so years - but we were happy chatting and spending time together on the net. But he didn't want me to fall in love with him even though he said he loved me. When I began to have feelings for him, he pushed me away in an attempt to protect me.
In grieving for him, the feelings of grief from losing my love from so many years ago resurfaced. I suppose I never really fully dealt with them so it was inevitable. I didn't know where to turn or what to do. So again, I turned to google and searched for bdsm friendly forums. And I found Lit. I registered here. But the problem is that I haven't been able to re-embrace the world of bdsm and yet I haven't been able to leave it behind. So I sit here in a bit of a limbo. Wanting an outlet for these stirrings within me but not exactly sure if I can face them fully. But yet... here I am.
Why am I posting this? Confession? Catharsis? Trying to put demons to rest? Giving myself a voice for this? All of the above? Mainly I think because I am tired of living in this inbetween space of being neither here nor there and by telling my story, I give voice to my history and what has made me who I am.
goes out to you on this and your story, best wishes to you truly
