Looking for advice

[AngelWithAShotgun]

Maybe it's just me but I see red flags flying all over the place.
You met online, you call her your girlfriend yet you've never met in person. She, you hope she is a she, or maybe you don't care, maybe you've seen pics that may or may not be her /him, have you video chatted? Supposedly this person in their 30s is a virgin, you say you already have safe word established, how and why if you've never met? This person wants you to travel however far to have you just walk in their apartment /house/hotel/motel and play out a rape fantasy?
Are you totally stupid? How desparate are you for sex? Enough to fall right into a trap with who knows what is waiting for you?
Hell, Stevie Wonder could see the red flags flapping all over this scenario.

Aww how cute, your name's ironic too.
Your perspective reflects your age.

Someone has truly traumatised you huh.

 

[NotAFool]

People meet online all the time. People form LDRs without yet meeting in-person all the time. This is pretty standard now.

Also, the OP sounds very reasonable and is thinking this through. They’ve posted an update that is reassuring.

You can read my response to the last comment. Either way I don't care what anyone thinks about the advice or criticism that I gave because it was meant to help keep someone from something bad happening. And yes, people meet in person from online encounters all the time, but people also get into bad situations from meeting people online, both men and women. Look at some data about crimes that happen from situations just like this and you'll see it isn't something that rarely happens its something that rarely gets made public

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Why would I? I only asked so if your comment wasn't directed at me I wouldn't have to. But, since it was absolutely directed at me, I should reply to set things right.
What I wrote may have come across as harsh to you and other people but I'm trying to keep another human being safe and out of jail or out of a casket. This is no silly little love game that you and some other people find romantic. I posed some very relative and serious questions that should be already addressed by this guy and if not he needs to do so immediately.
There are so many things that could make this the biggest mistake and bad decision he's ever made and maybe the last one he ever makes. The world isn't all rainbows and jellybeans and people online are not always who they say they are and some will go to long lengths to lure someone in to use as a victim just for the fun of it.
Wouldn't you want someone to tell you some real life advice that might save you from some pain and suffering or worse instead of everyone saying how sweet it is and how he should be more thoughtful of her first time when nobody knows what is really going on?
Wouldn't you want a clear logical person giving sound advice to make you take a second look before you make a decision that could ruin your life or possibly worse?
Good looking out for your fellow man or is that it? Men don't matter so don't bother giving any precautions because men are disposable and replaceable. If it was a woman would you be acting the same way?

If you'd read my reply, you'd seen that I specifically mentioned men so...

I'm not saying your advice was bad. It matched every single other person's advice. It was the layer of condescension and judgement that really sucked. Good communicators make their points in ways that will be heard by their audience. Your post would make anyone defensive. The assumptions in your first post and this one based on nothing but your own experience? opinion? really say a lot about you and how you speak to people. You want to speak but you don't really care if you're heard.

To TPH's point, people who meet online now are in the overwhelming majority. We all know that there are lots of catfish and liars out there. Maybe that's a bad taste in your mouth, that colored your response? But anyone meeting anyone online now knows to do their due diligence. A simple video call will prove anything you need. As a person who absolutely does know statistics about crime, you'd find most of those instances are not long distance meet ups but Tinder like hook ups. Huge difference.

I also hope you reconsider the "silly little love game" mentality. Again it's condescending and judgmental and those, in general, dry most women up faster than <insert your favorite faster than analogy here>.

Good luck, kid!

 

[NotAFool]

Aww how cute, your name's ironic too.
Your perspective reflects your age.

Someone has truly traumatised you huh.

It's funny how only women are attacking me. What if it were a woman going to meet some stranger in this sake exact scenario would you be so willing to let her walk into something potentially harmful? Or is it because men don't matter? Men are disposable and replaceable? Who cares if a man gets set up by some scammer it's his fault for being dumb. Right?

 

[Justanaltquestion]

I believe I've answered the questions you've asked the best I can without tipping my hand. Your Words have been heard. The anonymity is not for my sake, it's for her's. I get where you are coming from and I appreciate your view. Having said that, you are coming really close to bullying some of my friends. Please don't do that.

 

[NotAFool]

If you'd read my reply, you'd seen that I specifically mentioned men so...

I'm not saying your advice was bad. It matched every single other person's advice. It was the layer of condescension and judgement that really sucked. Good communicators make their points in ways that will be heard by their audience. Your post would make anyone defensive. The assumptions in your first post and this one based on nothing but your own experience? opinion? really say a lot about you and how you speak to people. You want to speak but you don't really care if you're heard.

To TPH's point, people who meet online now are in the overwhelming majority. We all know that there are lots of catfish and liars out there. Maybe that's a bad taste in your mouth, that colored your response? But anyone meeting anyone online now knows to do their due diligence. A simple video call will prove anything you need. As a person who absolutely does know statistics about crime, you'd find most of those instances are not long distance meet ups but Tinder like hook ups. Huge difference.

I also hope you reconsider the "silly little love game" mentality. Again it's condescending and judgmental and those, in general, dry most women up faster than <insert your favorite faster than analogy here>.

Good luck, kid!

I'm not giving recipes out I'm giving advice. My way of giving lessons is to be as realistic and direct as possible. There is no need to hold someone's hand when I'm trying to give advice to make someone think and to help them. That's just my personality type. I am not someone who cares if I upset you or hurt your feelings now because down the road my advice will have stuck and it will help and you will thank me and I don't care to be thanked I'd rather see you learn and have it help. Whether you like me or not. It actually means I care about you if I bother to try and help. I don't have to and it won't bother me if I didn't care.

 

[AngelWithAShotgun]

@NotAFool
You clearly don't care what people think, given the care you took to dispense your advise and your comments thereafter.

If it mattered to you that the advise you gave should be given serious consideration, you would have phrased it less as criticism on the OPs intelligence and people's online relationships in general.

Just to be clear, I'm not attacking you for the advise. I'm expressing my displeasure at your delivery. It was rude and unnecessary.

Your personality leaves a lot to be desired.

 

[NotAFool]

@NotAFool
You clearly don't care what people think, given the care you took to dispense your advise and your comments thereafter.

If it mattered to you that the advise you gave should be given serious consideration, you would have phrased it less as criticism on the OPs intelligence and people's online relationships in general.

Just to be clear, I'm not attacking you for the advise. I'm expressing my displeasure at your delivery. It was rude and unnecessary.

Your personality leaves a lot to be desired.

I really truly don't care what you think about my attitude towards how I replied with advice to this person. That should and as you mentioned is obvious. But it isn't my personality you are seeing here. It's what you assume is my personality. But you don't know me. Don't judge people on something they wrote and how you interpreted it and got your feelings involved when you shouldn't have. I never said anything about you out of feelings because I don't let feelings guide me to make my decisions. Gut feelings, yes but not my emotional feelings. Thank you for sharing your feelings about how you percieve me to be. If you want some insight to the type of personality I am and it hits pretty dead on, look up Meyer Briggs ESTP personality type and maybe it will make things more clear as to my personality. I'm not angry, I don't know you and wouldn't let someone I don't know anger me. I hope we can exchange thoughts, not feelings, again sometime, seriously.

 

[AngelWithAShotgun]

I really truly don't care what you think about my attitude towards how I replied with advice to this person. That should and as you mentioned is obvious. But it isn't my personality you are seeing here. It's what you assume is my personality. But you don't know me. Don't judge people on something they wrote and how you interpreted it and got your feelings involved when you shouldn't have. I never said anything about you out of feelings because I don't let feelings guide me to make my decisions. Gut feelings, yes but not my emotional feelings. Thank you for sharing your feelings about how you percieve me to be. If you want some insight to the type of personality I am and it hits pretty dead on, look up Meyer Briggs ESTP personality type and maybe it will make things more clear as to my personality. I'm not angry, I don't know you and wouldn't let someone I don't know anger me. I hope we can exchange thoughts, not feelings, again sometime, seriously.

Nice to know you're the hypocritical stereotype too.

 

[Justanaltquestion]

Ummm. Little hypocritical considering your first post on this thread, wouldn't you say?

 

[muddler35]

@Rainshine is right. I think he has been given good council. Let’s take a breath.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

In other news OP, I did think your name was Just Anal Questions.... so... I was ready!

 

[AngelWithAShotgun]

In other news OP, I did think your name was Just Anal Questions.... so... I was ready!

Aww and I thought I was the only pervette here

 

[Justanaltquestion]

Yeah. I didn't notice that when I first posted. Head slap

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Aww and I thought I was the only pervette here

Pervette!! I'm stealing that.

 

[Trekka]

Dude, trust your gut on this. The fact that you came here and asked beforehand should already tell you what you need to do.

Online and offline are not the same. Trust is a two way street.

Imo, there is no way someone is gonna set me up for jail. Which is exactly what will happen if something goes sideways on the 'take me' scenario.

This is sage advice, DaddyO.

For me, these days*, it's ALWAYS clear as fuck before I meet someone that we are gonna see what happens, feel things out. And that there is no expectation or obligation in either direction. That's the deal. Which, for me, would mean, "Let's go for coffee first."

Also be ready for some big feels afterwards. That could be any and/or all of the feels. Yours and hers.

And, um, I vote low n slow. For the record.

*have not always followed my own advice. YMMV. Mine did.

 

[SassySheDevil]

In other news OP, I did think your name was Just Anal Questions.... so... I was ready!

I did too lol.

But yes. Looks like he has been given plenty of good advice.

 

[tnman03]

While the initial posting by the OP is a bit eyebrow-raising it's also not that far-fetched. There've been some first-class comments made and the expected mood disrupter inciting dissension and quibbling with the ladies. Yes, @NotAFool I'm referring to you. While your advice was well-grounded and totally applicable it was also presented in an unpleasant and lecturing manner. The defensive response of it's just how I am, yadda, yadda, doesn't excuse your actions. Yet sadly, the overall defensiness and haste to quibble or be offended or defensive here on Lit or online in general are annoying. And before @NotAFool becomes further irate he's not the only one who engaged in the quibbling. The fault is shared, even with the best of intentions we can choose to ignore or lock horns here. And FWIW that's purely my own opinion and likely no one else's.

​

 

[muddler35]

Well said

 

[KatieDoes]

It's funny how only women are attacking me. What if it were a woman going to meet some stranger in this sake exact scenario would you be so willing to let her walk into something potentially harmful? Or is it because men don't matter? Men are disposable and replaceable? Who cares if a man gets set up by some scammer it's his fault for being dumb. Right?

Nope. Men matter. Seems as though most people here assumed he wasn’t as stupid as you think he is, though.

I, like most people, assume that if he’s referring to her as his girlfriend and making travel plans, they’ve proceeded further with communications than an emailed pic. Surely they’ve had phone and video conversations in real time.

 

[AveryElle]

Oooo who are you

Privacy invasion aside. If she's a virgin, there's a good huge chance she doesn't know what she's asking for. Think of those reality vs expectation memes.

Look at it from this perspective, years from now, how would you like to remember your first time together?

While I tend to think 'virginity' is a construct, there are many subs online who really don't know what actual bdsm is like at the hands of another person. Going straight into it, even after years of talking online, is probably not wise. It's a learning curve for even the most curious, and it's a lot of pressure for you.

I wouldn't do what she's asking, and if that's a hard line for her, perhaps she should have sex with other people first. The fact that you care enough to ask is a good thing in my relatively worthless opinion.

 

[AveryElle]

I'm gonna chime in on a presumption of some amount of sub frenzy. If either or both of you are not familiar with this concept, you have some homework to do.

The idea of meeting and immediately dropping your clothes and the reality of intimacy in a first in person encounter are really really different.

oh man is this true about meeting IRL, bdsm or not.

 

[Lonelywife1205]

I agree with all the great advice you have been given, but also wanted to add my best wishes. I think meeting online can be a wonderful thing and I hope it works out for you. I was going to say keep us posted, but part of me thinks don’t and keep it private and special between the two of you. Either which way, all the best to you both.

 

[Lord Pmann]

This is quite the interesting thread. You’re right to be a bit concerned about this, Mr. Anal T Question. Yes, we all know what we want and blah, blah, blah. But, the truth is, if we haven’t experienced it, we might be a bit surprised. The penis doesn’t necessarily slide in like a hot knife through butter. I sure as hell wouldn’t know, as I can’t get past second base with myself. But I’ve heard.

There are some red flags here. Not necessarily like the girl is trying to entrap you. The girl seems cool AF. You ask a reasonable question and it seems you’ve mostly gotten reasonable responses. And you seem to have a level head. I’d say, before you go sticking your wiener inside of her all rapey style, see how she likes it slow, smooth, Barry White style.

I really want to know what Grant thinks of this, though.

While I tend to think 'virginity' is a construct…

How is virginity a construct? Either you’ve had intercourse or you haven’t. I suppose we have mouth virgin, bum virgin, vagina virgin… but it’s a dichotomous term, not a social construct. Everything isn’t on a spectrum.

 

[Justanaltquestion]

I agree with all the great advice you have been given, but also wanted to add my best wishes. I think meeting online can be a wonderful thing and I hope it works out for you. I was going to say keep us posted, but part of me thinks don’t and keep it private and special between the two of you. Either which way, all the best to you both.

Thank you