How to get my wife to realize how hot she is?

[Footguy505]

My wife and I have been together 19 years married 17. We both had Gastric bypass. I have always found my wife to very attractive. Since she has lost 100lbs it seems other men are ogling my wife. I tell my wife that she is incredibly sexy and hot all the time and she tells me that I have to say that since I’m her husband. I tell her that men were checking her out when we go places when I notice them doing it. She says I’m lying. How do I get her to realize that it’s not just me that other men are looking at her also and that she truly is attractive. Just a side note having other men look at and or watch her does not upset me.

 

[cubbyfire04]

I can tell you she probably cares more about what you think than other men. And words don't mean anything with body image insecurities. Actions do. Try being more affectionate. Look her in the eyes and smile more. Touch her more. Hold her hand in public, kiss her neck delicately at random times, be playful, make the first move in the bedroom... Or better yet, midday in the kitchen.

Keep telling her she's beautiful, but show her as well. Maybe see if she'd pose for sexy pictures or even book a boudoir photoshoot with a professional. Sure, maybe she appreciates that other men find her attractive, but she lost the weight for herself and for you...

 

[Footguy505]

I can tell you she probably cares more about what you think than other men. And words don't mean anything with body image insecurities. Actions do. Try being more affectionate. Look her in the eyes and smile more. Touch her more. Hold her hand in public, kiss her neck delicately at random times, be playful, make the first move in the bedroom... Or better yet, midday in the kitchen.

Keep telling her she's beautiful, but show her as well. Maybe see if she'd pose for sexy pictures or even book a boudoir photoshoot with a professional. Sure, maybe she appreciates that other men find her attractive, but she lost the weight for herself and for you...

Thank you for your reply. I try this all the time. My love language is touch ( holding hands, kissing, rubbing backs, legs and so forth) hers is not. I wish she would see herself as beautiful as I see her. It’s a self confidence thing. I wish she would have more self confidence.

 

[N2outdoors]

My wife and I have been together 19 years married 17. We both had Gastric bypass. I have always found my wife to very attractive. Since she has lost 100lbs it seems other men are ogling my wife. I tell my wife that she is incredibly sexy and hot all the time and she tells me that I have to say that since I’m her husband. I tell her that men were checking her out when we go places when I notice them doing it. She says I’m lying. How do I get her to realize that it’s not just me that other men are looking at her also and that she truly is attractive. Just a side note having other men look at and or watch her does not upset me.

Dude, If you can figure this out, write a book and you will make enough money to retire as a King. I think most of us can relate. My wife is the same way. It used to really make me angry when she told me that I had to compliment her because I’m her husband. I finally gave up and stopped complimenting her as often. I have discussed it with her many times. I have been quite honest and direct about why I will not waste my breath or time to tell her how beautiful she is. I hate, HATE, being called a liar. That doesn’t answer your question, but it lets you know that there are those of us who can empathizes with your dilemma.

 

[lovecraft68]

Dude, If you can figure this out, write a book and you will make enough money to retire as a King. I think most of us can relate. My wife is the same way. It used to really make me angry when she told me that I had to compliment her because I’m her husband. I finally gave up and stopped complimenting her as often. I have discussed it with her many times. I have been quite honest and direct about why I will not waste my breath or time to tell her how beautiful she is. I hate, HATE, being called a liar. That doesn’t answer your question, but it lets you know that there are those of us who can empathizes with your dilemma.

Wow, what a lucky woman your wife is. She isn't calling you a liar you tone deaf moron, she has self esteem issues and feels you're saying it 'cause you have to' because for some reason she doesn't feel she is. Good job on making that situation worse and proving why men are considered idiots when it comes to understanding women....or anything in general.

 

[lovecraft68]

My wife and I have been together 19 years married 17. We both had Gastric bypass. I have always found my wife to very attractive. Since she has lost 100lbs it seems other men are ogling my wife. I tell my wife that she is incredibly sexy and hot all the time and she tells me that I have to say that since I’m her husband. I tell her that men were checking her out when we go places when I notice them doing it. She says I’m lying. How do I get her to realize that it’s not just me that other men are looking at her also and that she truly is attractive. Just a side note having other men look at and or watch her does not upset me.

First, let me say thank you, because I clicked on this convinced this was going to be some "I want other men to sleep with my wife to make her feel more attractive". Not only have I seen those, my wife has a friend who's husband tried that on her.. Good to see you simply want to help her with her self esteem. Keep doing what you're doing, if you see someone looking, do mention it to her, tell her you're flattered that people look at her, and give her the 'see, look at that guy looking."

Years ago my wife had issues with weight, went on an all liquid ketosis diet and lost over 115 pounds. Like you I saw more and more guys looking at her and I loved it, not in a pervy way, but in a way that I was thrilled she was getting the attention. She'd always been beautiful, but let's face it, guys-and women too-see someone heavy and just kind of look the other way.

My wife even heavier was more secure than most because from day one I always found her attractive and many times since the weight loss, and if she sees someone checking her out, she'll tell me she'll always be grateful I loved her and was attracted to her before she lost the weight so she knows it was always her, not looks, I cared about...that's something your wife will hopefully start thinking about.

 

[N2outdoors]

Wow, what a lucky woman your wife is. She isn't calling you a liar you tone deaf moron, she has self esteem issues and feels you're saying it 'cause you have to' because for some reason she doesn't feel she is. Good job on making that situation worse and proving why men are considered idiots when it comes to understanding women....or anything in general.

Yeah, I knew some spineless weasel hiding behind a computer wound jump all over that post. You’re just a big man. There’s a lot more I could say that let up to me making my decision. But, it doesn’t matter. I have a beautiful, sexy, and very happy wife. It is a mutual feeling for us both. She knows I love her and I am attracted to her, and she gets all the affirmation she needs. But, it is a fact that I do not complement her as much as I once did, or as much as I would like to. If you can’t handle that, little man, oh well you’ll just die very unhappy won’t you?

 

[NightL]

Yeah, I knew some spineless weasel hiding behind a computer wound jump all over that post.

So what was your take on the second post by lovecraft68? The one posted over an hour before your response.

I also had a "here we go again" thought to the title of this thread.

@Footguy505 - listening sometimes can be the most important part of communication. As to the "I tell her that men were checking her out", be very sure as to how that is being received and that it is not considered overcompensating and making your wife uncomfortable. Let her develop her own confidence in her own time. Just be loving and attentive while listening carefully to the response of your words and actions. Don't bulldoze an unwanted approach, she may feel you are trying to impose your selfish desires. You may risk impacting her self-esteem issues negatively by appearing you want her to be something that she is just uncomfortable with.

@N2outdoors I have basically said just the same thing as lovecraft68

@Footguy505 another suggestion is to discuss with your wife activities that you both can be involved with now that you both have had success with Gastric bypass. Going for walks, bike rides, dancing, even dance lessons, swimming, boating, row a boat. Go out and have fun together, try new activities. If you stumble in your attempts be open to laugh at yourselves, try again, try another activity, laugh and smile at the world around you. Never stop listening, though, always try your best to appreciate the words of your wife as to her intention and not of your interpretation.

If guys are checking your wife out she will know before you notice.

 

[NightL]

One more thing - "hot" is not a body shape, it is an attitude, it is confidence, it has to come from within, it can not be imposed.

The more you appear to stress hotness has come about since the weight loss the more you invalidate your relationship up to this moment and feed insecurities.

Leave off with "men are checking you out" and just get out into the world together and have fun.

 

[Footguy505]

So what was your take on the second post by lovecraft68? The one posted over an hour before your response.

I also had a "here we go again" thought to the title of this thread.

@Footguy505 - listening sometimes can be the most important part of communication. As to the "I tell her that men were checking her out", be very sure as to how that is being received and that it is not considered overcompensating and making your wife uncomfortable. Let her develop her own confidence in her own time. Just be loving and attentive while listening carefully to the response of your words and actions. Don't bulldoze an unwanted approach, she may feel you are trying to impose your selfish desires. You may risk impacting her self-esteem issues negatively by appearing you want her to be something that she is just uncomfortable with.

@N2outdoors I have basically said just the same thing as lovecraft68

@Footguy505 another suggestion is to discuss with your wife activities that you both can be involved with now that you both have had success with Gastric bypass. Going for walks, bike rides, dancing, even dance lessons, swimming, boating, row a boat. Go out and have fun together, try new activities. If you stumble in your attempts be open to laugh at yourselves, try again, try another activity, laugh and smile at the world around you. Never stop listening, though, always try your best to appreciate the words of your wife as to her intention and not of your interpretation.

If guys are checking your wife out she will know before you notice.

Thanks for your reply. These are great ideas.

 

[N2outdoors]

So what was your take on the second post by lovecraft68? The one posted over an hour before your response.

I also had a "here we go again" thought to the title of this thread.

@Footguy505 - listening sometimes can be the most important part of communication. As to the "I tell her that men were checking her out", be very sure as to how that is being received and that it is not considered overcompensating and making your wife uncomfortable. Let her develop her own confidence in her own time. Just be loving and attentive while listening carefully to the response of your words and actions. Don't bulldoze an unwanted approach, she may feel you are trying to impose your selfish desires. You may risk impacting her self-esteem issues negatively by appearing you want her to be something that she is just uncomfortable with.

@N2outdoors I have basically said just the same thing as lovecraft68

@Footguy505 another suggestion is to discuss with your wife activities that you both can be involved with now that you both have had success with Gastric bypass. Going for walks, bike rides, dancing, even dance lessons, swimming, boating, row a boat. Go out and have fun together, try new activities. If you stumble in your attempts be open to laugh at yourselves, try again, try another activity, laugh and smile at the world around you. Never stop listening, though, always try your best to appreciate the words of your wife as to her intention and not of your interpretation.

If guys are checking your wife out she will know before you notice.

I like his second post, and agree. Like I said, there was much more to my decision that I didn’t explain. My wife’s ex husband was a pathological liar. She said that one reason she told me that I had to complement her, was because he used to complement her and she knew he was a liar. I explained how that made me feel like she’s identifying me as being a liar because he was a liar. I also made it very clear to her that when she dismissed my compliments and told me that I had to complement her because I was her husband it made me feel like she’s calling me a liar. This did not deter her from dismissing my complements. Another reason I stopped complementing her as often is that she would get very excited if another man complemented her. She would come home almost silly acting because some other man complemented her. Again, I would point out that he’s only telling her what I told her 1000 times and her reply would always be yeah but you’re my husband you have to tell me that. I also agree with your post, that confidence comes from within. Some people, need to work on their own issues and not depend on others to make them confident.

 

[KatieDoes]

My wife and I have been together 19 years married 17. We both had Gastric bypass. I have always found my wife to very attractive. Since she has lost 100lbs it seems other men are ogling my wife. I tell my wife that she is incredibly sexy and hot all the time and she tells me that I have to say that since I’m her husband. I tell her that men were checking her out when we go places when I notice them doing it. She says I’m lying. How do I get her to realize that it’s not just me that other men are looking at her also and that she truly is attractive. Just a side note having other men look at and or watch her does not upset me.

I’ll offer a woman’s perspective, as it appears that you haven’t gotten one yet.

First, I’m curious why you need her to think she’s ‘hot’?

Genuine confidence, for women, does not derive from men telling us we’re hot. It’s nice, of course, to feel attractive and desired. But constant comments about our bodies arent actually flattering. It can make us feel like we’re seen as fuckable objects, rather than desirable women.

If you’d like to help make your wife feel more confident, compliment something other than her body. Make a point to tell her how her kindness, competence, or other strengths are attractive. Catch her doing something she’s passionate about, and let her know that the way she does it is beautiful to you.

If you really want to compliment her appearance, stay away from comments that read to her as ‘you’re fuckable’. Tell her how pretty her eyes are when she’s looking at your kids. How perfectly her new dress fits and makes her even more gorgeous. How her new hairstyle flatters her beautiful face.


** important note for all y’all men **


If she’s currently in the act of cooking, cleaning, wrangling children, picking up after you, etc, and you aren’t actively doing at least as much work as she is… she absolutely, positively, does NOT WANT TO HEAR you tell her how hot she is. She wants you to stop thinking about your goddamn dick for 15 minutes and take care of things that need taken care of. Telling a woman that is bent over picking up your shoes that her ass looks good is not a compliment. It’s rage inducing and you just might get that shoe shoved up your ass. This has been a PSA.

 

[the_single_gal_unconfidential]

have you tried the no bra trick?
doesn't have to be obvious, like w a t shirt.
guys can always see you're going w/o - they do see the jiggle n nipple.
I took a little vacation couple of wks ago - took my bra off on the plane over, and rarely put it on.
got me so hot, guys looking at them, and just setting those things free.

 

[LittleSwitchy]

My wife and I have been together 19 years married 17. We both had Gastric bypass. I have always found my wife to very attractive. Since she has lost 100lbs it seems other men are ogling my wife. I tell my wife that she is incredibly sexy and hot all the time and she tells me that I have to say that since I’m her husband. I tell her that men were checking her out when we go places when I notice them doing it. She says I’m lying. How do I get her to realize that it’s not just me that other men are looking at her also and that she truly is attractive. Just a side note having other men look at and or watch her does not upset

If I can chime in.
It’s going to take time. For whatever reason/ reasons over time she has it in her mind she’s not attractive. We all have our own insecurities.
Maybe positive reassurance like compliments. Maybe trying to be affectionate. Try cooking with her or as she’s cooking walk up behind her and wrap your arms around her. Give her little surprises now and then. Like being her a box of her favorite chocolate. It’s the little things. Let her feel special.

 

[Footguy505]

If I can chime in.
It’s going to take time. For whatever reason/ reasons over time she has it in her mind she’s not attractive. We all have our own insecurities.
Maybe positive reassurance like compliments. Maybe trying to be affectionate. Try cooking with her or as she’s cooking walk up behind her and wrap your arms around her. Give her little surprises now and then. Like being her a box of her favorite chocolate. It’s the little things. Let her feel special.

Thank you for your reply. I will try this also.

 

[KentBloke]

I agree with a lot of what has been written above. Mine has had a rough time with her adopted mother. In that household, the adopted brother was clearly the favourite and anything my wife did as a younger woman was never good enough. I have spent decades trying to get her to see herself as the accomplished, beautiful and sexy woman she is... and, despite bunches of flowers, chocolates, holidays to Malta and absolutely everything I could say to get her to stop thinking she is fat, ugly, stupid and worthless, she is still under the mother's thumb. It is the price we pay for asking our spouses to marry us but, at the same time, there is NOWHERE else I want to be other than by her side trying to get her to realise that she is an amazing woman.

So, that's my rant for the day and, for the record, everything they say about mothers in law (in this case) is wrong... this one is faaaaar worse - to the point of trying to get me to sleep with her to prove that her daughter was not all that special!!!

And no (HELL NO!!!) I did not take her up on the offer which probably did not help out my wife.

 

[AnnieLit]

Start a thread on AmPics.
Be careful what you post, BOTH of you have to feel comfortable with it. Make it anonymous, i.e. no face pictures, no recognizable tattoos.
Start slow - tight fitting clothing, a low neckline, working out outfit. No need to go all out and post outright porn, I mean you can if you want, but it is not necessary around here to get some attention. Make sure she reads the comments. Encourage her to interact there - a thank you here, a tiny hint of flirt there. This will keep people coming back and more will comment.

What this does is gives her proof that it is not only YOUR words, that other people really do see her this way too.

Another thing you can do is gift her a boudoir shoot. Those are rather expensive, but with the right photographer it can be an eye opener. I am a photographer working in this genre, so if you need a recommendation, PM me what end of the country you are in, I'll send you some names.

 

[Savanasexi]

I can tell you she probably cares more about what you think than other men. And words don't mean anything with body image insecurities. Actions do. Try being more affectionate. Look her in the eyes and smile more. Touch her more. Hold her hand in public, kiss her neck delicately at random times, be playful, make the first move in the bedroom... Or better yet, midday in the kitchen.

Keep telling her she's beautiful, but show her as well. Maybe see if she'd pose for sexy pictures or even book a boudoir photoshoot with a professional. Sure, maybe she appreciates that other men find her attractive, but she lost the weight for herself and for you...

I agree with everything you say about encouraging her with her self confidence except the bit about a photoshoot. I don't think she's interested or ready for that sort of exposure yet. It's her body and she's in control. She's obviously a lady who doesn't like to reveal herself and maybe never has done. Good luck to her.

 

[Savanasexi]

have you tried the no bra trick?
doesn't have to be obvious, like w a t shirt.
guys can always see you're going w/o - they do see the jiggle n nipple.
I took a little vacation couple of wks ago - took my bra off on the plane over, and rarely put it on.
got me so hot, guys looking at them, and just setting those things free.

I quite agree that pert nipples in a tee shirt cando wonders for us. It's like having a passport to anywhere when guys see those little hard nipples poking out out tee shirts and we get our way with them. Men and some girls simply love the look.
Enjoy your newfound nipples freedom.

 

[magic_rat]

If you have a close male friend you can talk about this with, ask him to make a pass at her. She may not believe you when you compliment her but there's nothing more convincing than another man wanting to fuck her.

 

[ppd1107]

If you have a close male friend you can talk about this with, ask him to make a pass at her. She may not believe you when you compliment her but there's nothing more convincing than another man wanting to fuck her.

I think this would work or perhaps share some pics of her and show her the comments

 

[magic_rat]

I think this would work or perhaps share some pics of her and show her the comments

That would more likely make her cross if done without her knowledge.

 

[ppd1107]

I agree. Ask her if it’s ok of course

That would more likely make her cross if done without her knowledge

 

[Cosmosdreams]

I’ll offer a woman’s perspective, as it appears that you haven’t gotten one yet.

First, I’m curious why you need her to think she’s ‘hot’?

Genuine confidence, for women, does not derive from men telling us we’re hot. It’s nice, of course, to feel attractive and desired. But constant comments about our bodies arent actually flattering. It can make us feel like we’re seen as fuckable objects, rather than desirable women.

If you’d like to help make your wife feel more confident, compliment something other than her body. Make a point to tell her how her kindness, competence, or other strengths are attractive. Catch her doing something she’s passionate about, and let her know that the way she does it is beautiful to you.

If you really want to compliment her appearance, stay away from comments that read to her as ‘you’re fuckable’. Tell her how pretty her eyes are when she’s looking at your kids. How perfectly her new dress fits and makes her even more gorgeous. How her new hairstyle flatters her beautiful face.


** important note for all y’all men **


If she’s currently in the act of cooking, cleaning, wrangling children, picking up after you, etc, and you aren’t actively doing at least as much work as she is… she absolutely, positively, does NOT WANT TO HEAR you tell her how hot she is. She wants you to stop thinking about your goddamn dick for 15 minutes and take care of things that need taken care of. Telling a woman that is bent over picking up your shoes that her ass looks good is not a compliment. It’s rage inducing and you just might get that shoe shoved up your ass. This has been a PSA.

Where do I sign up for a class. Love wisdom you spill

 

[gtnlynn]

My wife had no doubts about her "hotness" in college when she was voted one of the most beautiful girls in her university and had guys begging for dates. After having two kids and gaining a few pounds, she decided she was no longer appealing to anyone except me. So I told her that she just needed to open herself to the flirtations that men continued to send her way. She had my permission to have sex, with certain conditions. It didn't take long for her to see that younger and older men found her to be really sexy.