Happily Married, but some questions

[Noor]

Sometimes? Quite often, I bet! Especially if brought up strictly religiously, or otherwise old-fashioned.

And especially if those turn-ons happen to be something not quite vanilla and most usual. They may not have even thought about experimenting with the exact things.

And some are too self-conscious to admit.

Yes, but they often know what they aren’t especially after being repeatedly suggested to them over a 20 yr period.

 

[muddler35]

I’m switching sides now. Their logic is irrefutable. If you have cultivated a relationship for two decades, and things aren’t absolutely 100% perfect, then you are a failure. You should not seek advice or support elsewhere. Hell, you’ve had 20 years to figure it out. Accept the wisdom of those on their third or fourth marriage. They are experts at this. It’s so disgusting when people want to improve their lives. Shuddup and drink the kool aide.

 

[muddler35]

Sorry. I shouldn’t toy with stupid people. It’s just bad sport. I woke up in a sarcastic mood. My bad.

 

[DaddysYogaBabyGirl]

Everyone, wondering your input. I am happily married, 48, married almost 20 years. I was wife's first. She is very pretty, shy, sensitive and (while I am biased) growing older very beautifully.

What a beautiful way for a man to write about his wife. I hope I find a man somewhere out there for me.

What bothers me is her reticence and unwillingness with some things. She has no interest in touching herself, except occasionally when asked and she will do this only very briefly (the latter is only the last 5 years or so, before that nothing);

I was raised in a VERY strict and repressed Evangelical Christian family. Sex was NEVER discussed or really considered pleasurable unless it was to breed or conceive a baby. My mother told me that young girls who touch themselves or "Self Love" are labeled Soiled Pigs. Can you imagine? I became the Little Rebel in my home. I'm a nudist AND I don't think sex or masturbation is a sin. However, there is some religious residue that causes me to have some guilt if I consciously make myself orgasm. Does that make sense? If it just happens and i don't focus on it.. I allow it to just flow out of my body without any "god fearing shame".

she confessed a few years ago that receiving oral is not her thing, and she's never (with me) orgasmed that way.

OMG! that is unfortunate. I love being eaten. I believe that oral is the most intimate thing and man and woman can do to each other.

We have bought toys over the years that she mostly, barely uses and does so only when I ask, again only for a few minutes.

I have a agree though.. Toys feel fake. The insertion of the toy is amazing, and the initial In&Out movements does simulate the feeling of having sex with a man... but slowly that feeling starts to feel raw and sensitive and FAKE. I can't make myself orgasm with that. I prefer skin -- fingers, tongue, or physically joining body2body with a man.

She doesn't seem to enjoy fantasizing even when we're just playfully chatting.

To me, communication is sensual. Especially when discussing fantasies. I like knowing what a man is feeling or what his desires are. Growing up I didn't have any brothers, and my father was not interested in educating me about anything sexual. He would rather have died a thousand horrible deaths than to EVER discuss sex.

She does have some sexy outfits I've bought her, but those are likewise mothballed unless I ask. I've asked her to put on fun makeup and she doesn't want to.

Sexy outfits and make-up are theatrical or role play accessories. Obviously she doesn't think about making you happy.

If I am fingering her, she doesn't cum, or I think try to.

GOD.. I ache to feel a man doing that to me... Sometimes I get tired of using my own fingers nightly.

Over the years I've felt a lot of what I have done, or tried, was unwelcome. This gets depressing after a while. We go in fits and starts with sex, kind of cyclical and depending on work/kids etc.

I do have to ask... Before you got married and had kids Was your sex life better? Was she more enthusiastic about sex with you? Did she have orgasms when penetrated vaginally? Or was she always this frigid ?? or did you notice a change over the years?

Overall she most often just wants to get to the basics. I don't want to sound ungrateful for what I have and I know some will say I do. But does this seem weird?

The Basics? What does that mean? -- you are not being ungrateful. You have needs and desires -- we all do -- and you just want to open up your sexual life with your wife. That's isn't weird at all. For those of us NOT in a relationship... we are envious of your wanting to think of ways to pleasure her more.

Am I being unfair to want her to be more adventurous and willing to try things together?

No. Again... many of us are envious of her to have a man like you to want to explore more. This has to frustrating for you.

 

[Annlopez]

It's understandable that you may have concerns or desires for a more adventurous and open sexual relationship with your wife. However, it's important to approach this topic with sensitivity, respect, and open communication. Here are a few suggestions on how to address these concerns:
1. Open and honest communication: Initiate an open and non-judgmental conversation with your wife about your feelings and desires. Approach the conversation with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to listen to her perspective. Share your feelings, but try to avoid making her feel criticized or inadequate.
2. Explore her perspective: It's essential to understand that everyone has different comfort levels and preferences when it comes to sexuality. Take the time to ask your wife about her thoughts, feelings, and boundaries. It's possible that she may have her reasons for her reticence, such as cultural or personal factors. Seek to understand her perspective and create a safe space for her to express herself.
3. Seek professional help: Consider the possibility of seeking guidance from a certified therapist or a sex therapist who can provide a neutral and supportive environment to address the concerns and dynamics within your relationship. They can help both of you explore your desires, boundaries, and find constructive ways to navigate any challenges.

 

[hulmule]

It's understandable that you may have concerns or desires for a more adventurous and open sexual relationship with your wife. However, it's important to approach this topic with sensitivity, respect, and open communication. Here are a few suggestions on how to address these concerns:
1. Open and honest communication: Initiate an open and non-judgmental conversation with your wife about your feelings and desires. Approach the conversation with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to listen to her perspective. Share your feelings, but try to avoid making her feel criticized or inadequate.
2. Explore her perspective: It's essential to understand that everyone has different comfort levels and preferences when it comes to sexuality. Take the time to ask your wife about her thoughts, feelings, and boundaries. It's possible that she may have her reasons for her reticence, such as cultural or personal factors. Seek to understand her perspective and create a safe space for her to express herself.
3. Seek professional help: Consider the possibility of seeking guidance from a certified therapist or a sex therapist who can provide a neutral and supportive environment to address the concerns and dynamics within your relationship. They can help both of you explore your desires, boundaries, and find constructive ways to navigate any challenges.

Wish i could get my wife to talk... Even when sex was good she would not talk about it.... Now in menopause has no interest at all to talk or do... Would love to lay on the couch and caress her body... as soon as i get going good, HOT FLASH " stop touching me" sucks but i try . Love to have a closeness with her. Young at marriage and kids didnt take time. Both to busy. now no one seems to care about it...sad

 

[ExploringSoul]

If the OP is still reading after being made into a literotica battlefield , here's some advice from someone who was in a similar situation.

First, to answer your last question: yes, you're being unfair if you keep pushing her to change if she's made it clear she doesn't want to. Instead, you should focus on the one who has a problem with the situation: you.

Why is it so important to you what she wears or if she masturbates? You're obviously frustrated by something, but I doubt it will go away if she would suddenly wear sexy lingerie or like masturbation.

It might be sexual frustration - maybe you genuinely desire things that you'll never have with her. Then you'll have to decide if you just live with it or do something about it - divorce, cheating, sex workers... no moral judgement here.

Or is it more that you're frustrated with some other part of your life, like work, social life, health...? We often project those things on our relationships. That's for you to soul-search, with or without professional help.

Good luck!

 

[Dom70]

What a beautiful way for a man to write about his wife. I hope I find a man somewhere out there for me.


I was raised in a VERY strict and repressed Evangelical Christian family. Sex was NEVER discussed or really considered pleasurable unless it was to breed or conceive a baby. My mother told me that young girls who touch themselves or "Self Love" are labeled Soiled Pigs. Can you imagine? I became the Little Rebel in my home. I'm a nudist AND I don't think sex or masturbation is a sin. However, there is some religious residue that causes me to have some guilt if I consciously make myself orgasm. Does that make sense? If it just happens and i don't focus on it.. I allow it to just flow out of my body without any "god fearing shame".


OMG! that is unfortunate. I love being eaten. I believe that oral is the most intimate thing and man and woman can do to each other.


I have a agree though.. Toys feel fake. The insertion of the toy is amazing, and the initial In&Out movements does simulate the feeling of having sex with a man... but slowly that feeling starts to feel raw and sensitive and FAKE. I can't make myself orgasm with that. I prefer skin -- fingers, tongue, or physically joining body2body with a man.


To me, communication is sensual. Especially when discussing fantasies. I like knowing what a man is feeling or what his desires are. Growing up I didn't have any brothers, and my father was not interested in educating me about anything sexual. He would rather have died a thousand horrible deaths than to EVER discuss sex.


Sexy outfits and make-up are theatrical or role play accessories. Obviously she doesn't think about making you happy.


GOD.. I ache to feel a man doing that to me... Sometimes I get tired of using my own fingers nightly.


I do have to ask... Before you got married and had kids Was your sex life better? Was she more enthusiastic about sex with you? Did she have orgasms when penetrated vaginally? Or was she always this frigid ?? or did you notice a change over the years?


The Basics? What does that mean? -- you are not being ungrateful. You have needs and desires -- we all do -- and you just want to open up your sexual life with your wife. That's isn't weird at all. For those of us NOT in a relationship... we are envious of your wanting to think of ways to pleasure her more.


No. Again... many of us are envious of her to have a man like you to want to explore more. This has to frustrating for you.

Wow....well said my dear! THANK you for that sincere and honest viewpoint. It was refreshing. Thanks to you and Muddler for your thoughts today. You both made me smile.

 

[muddler35]

I think this is precisely why people should either go through a marriage prep program which helps you realize the important things in life, and shows you how you line up or don't line up, up front; or try living together for awhile before exchanging rings. At the very least date for some time to figure these things out. Life is too short to be with the wrong person for too long. If there are things you have to have they need to be communicated. If the other person isn't receptive then they aren't for you. Move on before you have a mortgage, 2.3 children and a dog. Of course this probably doesn't apply over the long term where people can drift apart, have a medical issue, etc.

I think we can all agree that even with the best of intentions and great advice, communication, counseling, openness, taking things slowly, it is not reasonable to think that two partners will always be in the same place at the same time. Partnerships take maintenance and infrastructure. Happily ever after takes dedication and work. I truly wish OP and his wife the best.

 

[muddler35]

You sure comment a lot in this thread.

I didn’t realize it was a closed thread. Mea culpa. I’ll shut up. I just took it as a decent person asking advice and got bullied. Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

 

[JoeBeans2751]

Everyone, wondering your input. I am happily married, 48, married almost 20 years. I was wife's first. She is very pretty, shy, sensitive and (while I am biased) growing older very beautifully. What bothers me is her reticence and unwillingness with some things. She has no interest in touching herself, except occasionally when asked and she will do this only very briefly (the latter is only the last 5 years or so, before that nothing); she confessed a few years ago that receiving oral is not her thing, and she's never (with me) orgasmed that way. We have bought toys over the years that she mostly, barely uses and does so only when I ask, again only for a few minutes. She doesn't seem to enjoy fantasizing even when we're just playfully chatting. She does have some sexy outfits I've bought her, but those are likewise mothballed unless I ask. I've asked her to put on fun makeup and she doesn't want to. If I am fingering her, she doesn't cum, or I think try to. Over the years I've felt a lot of what I have done, or tried, was unwelcome. This gets depressing after a while. We go in fits and starts with sex, kind of cyclical and depending on work/kids etc. Overall she most often just wants to get to the basics. I don't want to sound ungrateful for what I have and I know some will say I do. But does this seem weird? Am I being unfair to want her to be more adventurous and willing to try things together?

No I dont think you are... My wife is/was the same..Good Irish Catholic girl....We stopped having sex about 15 years ago...NOW that really sucks...So I have turned to Lit. read about there adventures and escapades!!

 

[KatieDoes]

Women only let our freak flags fly when we feel 100% safe to do so.

A woman that is conditioned to think sex is shameful/etc likely needs to feel 200% safe.


Here‘s the part that most men don’t get… that safety doesn’t occur in the bedroom. It occurs everywhere else. If we don’t feel heard and seen and like our perspective matters to you on things we say that don’t directly benefit you or your dick…. You will absolutely NEVER be privy to the filthy thoughts in our heads that would benefit your dick.

 

[muddler35]

Women only let our freak flags fly when we feel 100% safe to do so.

A woman that is conditioned to think sex is shameful/etc likely needs to feel 200% safe.


Here‘s the part that most men don’t get… that safety doesn’t occur in the bedroom. It occurs everywhere else. If we don’t feel heard and seen and like our perspective matters to you on things we say that don’t directly benefit you or your dick…. You will absolutely NEVER be privy to the filthy thoughts in our heads that would benefit your dick.

This should be required reading for anyone with a Y chromosome. Well said.

 

[saintcero]

No I dont think you are... My wife is/was the same..Good Irish Catholic girl....We stopped having sex about 15 years ago...NOW that really sucks...So I have turned to Lit. read about there adventures and escapades!!

Sounds a lot like mine. No kink at all however does like to fuck but only missionary and on her back. She initiates sex twice a week these days. Also a good Catlick girl. Suffice to say that our kink levels are mostly incompatible but we still function

 

[KatieDoes]

This should be required reading for anyone with a Y chromosome. Well said.

Unfortunately, the ones that need to read it the most are the ones that won’t believe it could possibly pertain to them.

They always make their wife cum so hard baby every single time. It’s not at all possible that she’s faking it to protect their fragile ego and they get the fuck off of her and go golfing so she can get her vibe out.

 

[Noor]

What a beautiful way for a man to write about his wife. I hope I find a man somewhere out there for me.


I was raised in a VERY strict and repressed Evangelical Christian family. Sex was NEVER discussed or really considered pleasurable unless it was to breed or conceive a baby. My mother told me that young girls who touch themselves or "Self Love" are labeled Soiled Pigs. Can you imagine? I became the Little Rebel in my home. I'm a nudist AND I don't think sex or masturbation is a sin. However, there is some religious residue that causes me to have some guilt if I consciously make myself orgasm. Does that make sense? If it just happens and i don't focus on it.. I allow it to just flow out of my body without any "god fearing shame".


OMG! that is unfortunate. I love being eaten. I believe that oral is the most intimate thing and man and woman can do to each other.


I have a agree though.. Toys feel fake. The insertion of the toy is amazing, and the initial In&Out movements does simulate the feeling of having sex with a man... but slowly that feeling starts to feel raw and sensitive and FAKE. I can't make myself orgasm with that. I prefer skin -- fingers, tongue, or physically joining body2body with a man.


To me, communication is sensual. Especially when discussing fantasies. I like knowing what a man is feeling or what his desires are. Growing up I didn't have any brothers, and my father was not interested in educating me about anything sexual. He would rather have died a thousand horrible deaths than to EVER discuss sex.


Sexy outfits and make-up are theatrical or role play accessories. Obviously she doesn't think about making you happy.


GOD.. I ache to feel a man doing that to me... Sometimes I get tired of using my own fingers nightly.


I do have to ask... Before you got married and had kids Was your sex life better? Was she more enthusiastic about sex with you? Did she have orgasms when penetrated vaginally? Or was she always this frigid ?? or did you notice a change over the years?


The Basics? What does that mean? -- you are not being ungrateful. You have needs and desires -- we all do -- and you just want to open up your sexual life with your wife. That's isn't weird at all. For those of us NOT in a relationship... we are envious of your wanting to think of ways to pleasure her more.


No. Again... many of us are envious of her to have a man like you to want to explore more. This has to frustrating for you.

If the Op keeps pressuring his wife, he may be available in the future and by your own admission he sounds prefect for you.

 

[DoctorSmith8]

Everyone, wondering your input. I am happily married, 48, married almost 20 years. I was wife's first. She is very pretty, shy, sensitive and (while I am biased) growing older very beautifully. What bothers me is her reticence and unwillingness with some things. She has no interest in touching herself, except occasionally when asked and she will do this only very briefly (the latter is only the last 5 years or so, before that nothing); she confessed a few years ago that receiving oral is not her thing, and she's never (with me) orgasmed that way. We have bought toys over the years that she mostly, barely uses and does so only when I ask, again only for a few minutes. She doesn't seem to enjoy fantasizing even when we're just playfully chatting. She does have some sexy outfits I've bought her, but those are likewise mothballed unless I ask. I've asked her to put on fun makeup and she doesn't want to. If I am fingering her, she doesn't cum, or I think try to. Over the years I've felt a lot of what I have done, or tried, was unwelcome. This gets depressing after a while. We go in fits and starts with sex, kind of cyclical and depending on work/kids etc. Overall she most often just wants to get to the basics. I don't want to sound ungrateful for what I have and I know some will say I do. But does this seem weird? Am I being unfair to want her to be more adventurous and willing to try things together?

My wife is the same only worse. She would never touch herself. But now she has totally abandoned sex. Very very depressing. I find my mind drifting to a woman at work that appears attracted to me. Or even exploring a bi thing. When I was a kid, us neighborhood guys would have sleep outs to get naked and masturbate each other. Those were fun times.