Happily Married, but some questions

[girlsmiley]

You know what I find curious.

You know the old saying that men use “Happy wife, happy life”?

They should really switch it up.

Happy life, happy wife.

 

[muddler35]

Agreed.

Please scroll up. One of the first things I said was to make sure she feels safe expressing herself.

 

[girlsmiley]

Agreed.

Please scroll up. One of the first things I said was to make sure she feels safe expressing herself.

What are you on about?

 

[live4thebj]

And we are trying to help. Some of us may us harsh words because by his own admission, he is not hearing his wife saying she isn’t interested in touching herself, her wearing his idea of sexy clothing and so on.
That’s not her sexuality, that’s his idea of what her sexuality should be.
He needs to provide a safe space when she can explorer her own sexuality if she wants to.
Everyone is allowed to have desires, but that does not mean everyone is entitled to have them fulfilled by an uninterested partner.

And to add sometimes a person just doesn’t know what their turn-ons are. My sisters husband told us how my sister jumped his bones after watching a sexual cartoon. I really didn’t need to know that.

 

[Noor]

And to add sometimes a person just doesn’t know what their turn-ons are. My sisters husband told us how my sister jumped his bones after watching a sexual cartoon. I really didn’t need to know that.

Yes, but I’m this case, the husband is not on the right track

 

[FL30]

Everyone, wondering your input. I am happily married, 48, married almost 20 years. I was wife's first. She is very pretty, shy, sensitive and (while I am biased) growing older very beautifully. What bothers me is her reticence and unwillingness with some things. She has no interest in touching herself, except occasionally when asked and she will do this only very briefly (the latter is only the last 5 years or so, before that nothing); she confessed a few years ago that receiving oral is not her thing, and she's never (with me) orgasmed that way. We have bought toys over the years that she mostly, barely uses and does so only when I ask, again only for a few minutes. She doesn't seem to enjoy fantasizing even when we're just playfully chatting. She does have some sexy outfits I've bought her, but those are likewise mothballed unless I ask. I've asked her to put on fun makeup and she doesn't want to. If I am fingering her, she doesn't cum, or I think try to. Over the years I've felt a lot of what I have done, or tried, was unwelcome. This gets depressing after a while. We go in fits and starts with sex, kind of cyclical and depending on work/kids etc. Overall she most often just wants to get to the basics. I don't want to sound ungrateful for what I have and I know some will say I do. But does this seem weird? Am I being unfair to want her to be more adventurous and willing to try things together?

You've been with her for 20 years. She probably won't change at this point in time. It has to do with her mindset and how she was brought up. Unfortunately, even in today's society, sex is still considered - filthy, dirty, only for making babies, shameful, etc. For whatever reasons she has, she just doesn't feel comfortable doing what YOU want, so just quit forcing her.

You need to let her decide what she wants to do and leave her alone. Quit forcing her to do things that she doesn't want to do. If she says, "NO". Then she means "NO".

With everything going on in the world right now about consent, some of the thought processes behind it should have rubbed off on you, but alas, it hasn't. AND YES - even if you're married or in a relationship, YOU STILL NEED CONSENT.

If you weren't happy with her, you should have done something about it a LOT earlier than waiting 20 years and then start complaining.

Not that I'm a genius or anything, but if the sexual chemistry isn't there within 3 - 6 months, then I move on. You had the same opportunity, but you failed to act on it. So, stop complaining now after 20+ years and just deal with it like millions of other people do.

 

[FL30]

here's another thread where someone asked the same questions you did and all of the answers that they received. Go read this thread for more information.

https://forum.literotica.com/threads/marriage-dilemma.1584031/

 

[eric_erosfan]

Another reason I think it is silly for people to wait until marriage to have sex, if people still do that. If you are not compatible sexually better to find that out when dating not after marriage.

 

[live4thebj]

Another reason I think it is silly for people to wait until marriage to have sex, if people still do that. If you are not compatible sexually better to find that out when dating not after marriage.

100% agree!

 

[Bob_Bytchin]

Oh for fucks sake. The guy didn’t invent masturbation, sex toys, or lingerie.

He’s asking for a little effort and involvement. That’s not much to ask.

You people sound insane.

And you seem illiterate or poor in inference skills.

Go fuck yourself doofus.

 

[muddler35]

Holy Cats, this went sideways. Apparently some of you have a lot of time on your hands. Please take some of that time and actually read the original post. He was not talking about non consent or forcing his kinks on his wife. He certainly wasn’t talking about ending the relationship over this. The name of the thread is “Happily Married”. I think he just wanted advice on the best way to make sure she felt safe and free to express herself.

The vitriol on this thread was not introduced by him. He was merely asking a question. The vitriol was brought here by a few people that would rather talk than think.

Okay haters, bring it on.

 

[JDSMistress]

Maybe try a sex coach because most times it's just hidden in there and it could take someone else helping open her up, some people don't know what really turns them on until they explore.... sometimes women just need to be turned on mentally first. I helped my friend and her husband by turning her on and giving them fun tasks to do w eachothers it really turned their marriage around and opened them both up in many beautiful ways!

 

[muddler35]

Maybe try a sex coach because most times it's just hidden in there and it could take someone else helping open her up, some people don't know what really turns them on until they explore.... sometimes women just need to be turned on mentally first.

Yay you for adding something potentially productive.

 

[JDSMistress]

Yay you for adding something potentially productive.

I felt inspired on this post and I really think it may help...

 

[Strixaluco]

And to add sometimes a person just doesn’t know what their turn-ons are.

Sometimes? Quite often, I bet! Especially if brought up strictly religiously, or otherwise old-fashioned.

And especially if those turn-ons happen to be something not quite vanilla and most usual. They may not have even thought about experimenting with the exact things.

And some are too self-conscious to admit.

 

[Strixaluco]

Regarding something that Noor said, I am also rather disinterested in self-pleasure, when I have enough sex with a partner. He's much better than any toy, or my fingers for that matter.

When I don't have a partner, it's a different thing, but frankly... I can't surprise myself in the least, and one of the key ingredients is often that I don't quite know which touch to expect next.

 

[muddler35]

I felt inspired on this post and I really think it may help...

I’m not normally a brazen jerk btw. I just can’t abide bullies. It’s a character flaw.

 

[Britva415]

He’s asking for a little effort and involvement. That’s not much to ask.

Maybe it's not much to ask, but she doesn't owe him a "yes" to any of it.

And he doesn't owe her a marriage if he doesn't like it.

 

[Strixaluco]

Maybe it's not much to ask, but she doesn't owe him a "yes" to any of it.

And he doesn't owe her a marriage if he doesn't like it.

Why are people so stuck with that? Yes, he has approached the issue in a problematic way. That per se doesn't make him a bad person.

He doesn't know what the right questions are, and hasn't been able to think from her perspective, but clearly wants to learn. Which is more than can be said about many spouses of both sexes!

It's not about owing. It's about what he can do to change something so that their sex life gets better or at least they get it discussed so that he can understand her better.

 

[Strixaluco]

@1kc74 getting started with the change is the hardest thing. I agree with other comments where they say you should change your approach. You seem to have forgetten that things you wish for are not universally experienced as nice, sexy etc.

And she, in turn, may be needing or wanting something different, something that you don't even guess. (No guarantee she does either, for that matter.)

The first thing is to take the pressure off her. Actually, even start by sincerely apologising for causing the pressure. And... Well. Where does the the discussion go from there, depends ln you too. Gentle approach would probably be nice. Listen more than talk. Ask what, ask how she feels, what she wants. Because it seems it has fallen on the wayside so far. Let her feel you care. It will probably not be a single big discussion, more likely a series of smaller ones.

 

[Britva415]

That per se doesn't make him a bad person.

I didn't call anyone a bad person

I also wasn't reacting to or addressing OP at all, who hasn't been back in days, I was reacting to and addressing someone else.

 

[JDSMistress]

I’m not normally a brazen jerk btw. I just can’t abide bullies. It’s a character flaw.

I didn't read all of the thread but no judgment here my friend.

 

[tristantrotsky]

In days of old they used to say
‘The way to a man's heart is through his stomach’...
modern girls know better than that,
the way to a man’s heart lies approximately six inches lower than that...
control the cock and you control the man...

 

[Noor]

Oh for fucks sake. The guy didn’t invent masturbation, sex toys, or lingerie.

He’s asking for a little effort and involvement. That’s not much to ask.

You people sound insane.

After 20 yrs of asking and hearing no and then coming on lit and asking how to continue asking and you are calling us insane?

 

[Noor]

In days of old they used to say
‘The way to a man's heart is through his stomach’...
modern girls know better than that,
the way to a man’s heart lies approximately six inches lower than that...
control the cock and you control the man...

Oh I don’t try know, being a good cook really does get hearts.
Almost anything can get some guys cocks. Controlling a cock and controlling a man with it doesn’t come from the heart, and it’s certainly not love. Frankly cocks are a dime a dozen, good men are hard to find.