Happily Married, but some questions

[1kc74]

Everyone, wondering your input. I am happily married, 48, married almost 20 years. I was wife's first. She is very pretty, shy, sensitive and (while I am biased) growing older very beautifully. What bothers me is her reticence and unwillingness with some things. She has no interest in touching herself, except occasionally when asked and she will do this only very briefly (the latter is only the last 5 years or so, before that nothing); she confessed a few years ago that receiving oral is not her thing, and she's never (with me) orgasmed that way. We have bought toys over the years that she mostly, barely uses and does so only when I ask, again only for a few minutes. She doesn't seem to enjoy fantasizing even when we're just playfully chatting. She does have some sexy outfits I've bought her, but those are likewise mothballed unless I ask. I've asked her to put on fun makeup and she doesn't want to. If I am fingering her, she doesn't cum, or I think try to. Over the years I've felt a lot of what I have done, or tried, was unwelcome. This gets depressing after a while. We go in fits and starts with sex, kind of cyclical and depending on work/kids etc. Overall she most often just wants to get to the basics. I don't want to sound ungrateful for what I have and I know some will say I do. But does this seem weird? Am I being unfair to want her to be more adventurous and willing to try things together?

 

[saintcero]

Everyone, wondering your input. I am happily married, 48, married almost 20 years. I was wife's first. She is very pretty, shy, sensitive and (while I am biased) growing older very beautifully. What bothers me is her reticence and unwillingness with some things. She has no interest in touching herself, except occasionally when asked and she will do this only very briefly (the latter is only the last 5 years or so, before that nothing); she confessed a few years ago that receiving oral is not her thing, and she's never (with me) orgasmed that way. We have bought toys over the years that she mostly, barely uses and does so only when I ask, again only for a few minutes. She doesn't seem to enjoy fantasizing even when we're just playfully chatting. She does have some sexy outfits I've bought her, but those are likewise mothballed unless I ask. I've asked her to put on fun makeup and she doesn't want to. If I am fingering her, she doesn't cum, or I think try to. Over the years I've felt a lot of what I have done, or tried, was unwelcome. This gets depressing after a while. We go in fits and starts with sex, kind of cyclical and depending on work/kids etc. Overall she most often just wants to get to the basics. I don't want to sound ungrateful for what I have and I know some will say I do. But does this seem weird? Am I being unfair to want her to be more adventurous and willing to try things together?

Sounds very much like my wife. Mine initiates sex twice a week these days but it is always missionary. She doesn't have a kinky bone in her body. She is a good Catholic girl but did have an affair when our marriage was in trouble (I was a crappy husband back then). For me, it is what it is. We are married some 48 years now. I am very grateful for twice per week sex. Many guys don't get near that. If it ain't broke don't fix it. Can you be happy with what you have?

 

[1kc74]

I know I should, in fact I would say I have. But what it 'could be'!!

 

[muddler35]

Sexual compatibility can be difficult. My only advice would be communication. I’m not judging in any way, but based on your post, you are sharing what you want with her. Make sure she feels safe sharing what she wants too. She might just surprise you. Sounds like you are a good man and a good husband. Best of luck to you both.

 

[1kc74]

Thanks, appreciate this. I think what bothers me most is my feeling that she doesn't feel safe enough around me, or for some reason or another, to open up more. I have told her I feel there's something in her brain that makes her uncomfortable and even wonder if it's me, and not her, ie meaning she'd be different with someone else. She does sometimes surprise me, to be fair. It's just the constant uphill of it all. Thanks for your input.

 

[One_ping_only]

Everyone, wondering your input. I am happily married, 48, married almost 20 years. I was wife's first. She is very pretty, shy, sensitive and (while I am biased) growing older very beautifully. What bothers me is her reticence and unwillingness with some things. She has no interest in touching herself, except occasionally when asked and she will do this only very briefly (the latter is only the last 5 years or so, before that nothing); she confessed a few years ago that receiving oral is not her thing, and she's never (with me) orgasmed that way. We have bought toys over the years that she mostly, barely uses and does so only when I ask, again only for a few minutes. She doesn't seem to enjoy fantasizing even when we're just playfully chatting. She does have some sexy outfits I've bought her, but those are likewise mothballed unless I ask. I've asked her to put on fun makeup and she doesn't want to. If I am fingering her, she doesn't cum, or I think try to. Over the years I've felt a lot of what I have done, or tried, was unwelcome. This gets depressing after a while. We go in fits and starts with sex, kind of cyclical and depending on work/kids etc. Overall she most often just wants to get to the basics. I don't want to sound ungrateful for what I have and I know some will say I do. But does this seem weird? Am I being unfair to want her to be more adventurous and willing to try things together?

My wife grew up in a strict Roman catholic family so anything pleasurable or sexual was often frowned upon. She was taught that sex was to procreate and not to be enjoyed ummm wtf??

So after years of being together she's finally enjoying our playtime more and more. It's been hard work and a lot of patience on my part but that's fine since it's rewarding.

We've been married for 20 years and only now we're able to discuss fantasies or anything naughty. She seems to be enjoying it more and more.

 

[eric_erosfan]

My current partner was a daily masturbator since age 12. And I was since 13. When we were first together we were having sex twice a day. Now it is probably twice a month (unless at a hotel or on vacation) yet we both still masturbate on our own. We encourage it because orgasm is important but we may not have the time, privacy, or energy to devote to hot sex together unless, again, we are on vacation. But because we started with high libidos, and enjoyed masturbation, we still enjoy the playfulness of sex. Like I will come into the kitchen with a full raging hardon coming out of my fly acting like "what?" when she first notices it. She will give it a tug we will start kissing and then we will get interrupted with me painfully trying to stuff my cock back into my pants.

So the desire and playfulness is there, just not always the opportunity.

 

[tnhardon]

Everyone, wondering your input. I am happily married, 48, married almost 20 years. I was wife's first. She is very pretty, shy, sensitive and (while I am biased) growing older very beautifully. What bothers me is her reticence and unwillingness with some things. She has no interest in touching herself, except occasionally when asked and she will do this only very briefly (the latter is only the last 5 years or so, before that nothing); she confessed a few years ago that receiving oral is not her thing, and she's never (with me) orgasmed that way. We have bought toys over the years that she mostly, barely uses and does so only when I ask, again only for a few minutes. She doesn't seem to enjoy fantasizing even when we're just playfully chatting. She does have some sexy outfits I've bought her, but those are likewise mothballed unless I ask. I've asked her to put on fun makeup and she doesn't want to. If I am fingering her, she doesn't cum, or I think try to. Over the years I've felt a lot of what I have done, or tried, was unwelcome. This gets depressing after a while. We go in fits and starts with sex, kind of cyclical and depending on work/kids etc. Overall she most often just wants to get to the basics. I don't want to sound ungrateful for what I have and I know some will say I do. But does this seem weird? Am I being unfair to want her to be more adventurous and willing to try things together?

I’ve been married eight years. My wife was my first and only, she had many others before me. She is similar to your wife in many ways.

I only know of one time she’s masturbated since we’ve been together. She doesn’t touch herself. She used to seem to enjoy oral but now doesn’t want it. She doesn’t really dress in anything sexy, etc. She knows what she likes to do in bed in order to cum and only does the same few things.

As frustrating as that can be, sex is very much a two way street. She needs to feel comfortable and enjoy it as much as I do. Sure, there are things I wish that were different, but she could probably say the same. Talking it out can help, but sometimes people are set in their ways.

Some people just aren’t sexually adventurous. Some don’t need anything more than the barebones. Some don’t need sex at all. Unfortunately, you’ll rarely find a partner that is perfectly aligned with you sexually. Like anything in a relationship, you have to be willing to compromise.

 

[muddler35]

You are getting very good words of wisdom. I hope they are helpful. Be cautious though. I was in a similar situation and she ended up feeling put upon by expectations, and I ended up feeling frustrated and resentful. Always put partnerships first, hot sex is the icing on the cake.

 

[girlsmiley]

Thanks, appreciate this. I think what bothers me most is my feeling that she doesn't feel safe enough around me, or for some reason or another, to open up more. I have told her I feel there's something in her brain that makes her uncomfortable and even wonder if it's me, and not her, ie meaning she'd be different with someone else. She does sometimes surprise me, to be fair. It's just the constant uphill of it all. Thanks for your input.

Newsflash. No woman would feel safe around you. You’re trying to make your wife do things sexually that she is not comfortable with. You’re telling her what to enjoy and then when she doesn’t, you tell her there’s something wrong in her brain.

For fuck’s sake.

You are a walking red flag. I’m not surprised in the slightest she doesn’t want to try anything with you. You’re an abusive husband. Clear as day to me. The woman you call your wife but treat like a crack whore should run as far away from you as possible.

 

[Bob_Bytchin]

I've been married 3 times. Not once have I tried to mold any of them to my whims. I always lived with them first, and when we both felt 100% compatible in all ways, we got married. It wasn't just about sex...but I admit that all 3 met my sexual desires in a partner and willingness to explore.

Flash forward, and I've told all 3 of my daughters to live with a guy for a year or two and THEN decide if it should go into marriage.

For the OP, it sounds to me that you're frustrated that you married a woman who doesn't want to explore. But after 20 years, you should be used to that and happy with her decision, because you two are still together.

 

[Noor]

Everyone, wondering your input. I am happily married, 48, married almost 20 years. I was wife's first. She is very pretty, shy, sensitive and (while I am biased) growing older very beautifully. What bothers me is her reticence and unwillingness with some things. She has no interest in touching herself, except occasionally when asked and she will do this only very briefly (the latter is only the last 5 years or so, before that nothing); she confessed a few years ago that receiving oral is not her thing, and she's never (with me) orgasmed that way. We have bought toys over the years that she mostly, barely uses and does so only when I ask, again only for a few minutes. She doesn't seem to enjoy fantasizing even when we're just playfully chatting. She does have some sexy outfits I've bought her, but those are likewise mothballed unless I ask. I've asked her to put on fun makeup and she doesn't want to. If I am fingering her, she doesn't cum, or I think try to. Over the years I've felt a lot of what I have done, or tried, was unwelcome. This gets depressing after a while. We go in fits and starts with sex, kind of cyclical and depending on work/kids etc. Overall she most often just wants to get to the basics. I don't want to sound ungrateful for what I have and I know some will say I do. But does this seem weird? Am I being unfair to want her to be more adventurous and willing to try things together?

As someone who is not shy or anything, I can totally relate to your wife.
I do not like touching myself, it is of no interest, esp if I am having sex with someone else. I like being touched by the other person. I might touch myself for brief periods of time for the other person as part of sex that we are having, but my touching myself does nothing for me, never has, never will.
It’s the same way with toys, I prefer my toys to be human.
I like oral as foreplay, I can come from it, but I prefer more skin to skin contact.
Sexy outfits that someone else buys me, get returned, not interested. If you want someone in sexier outfits, give them a gift certificate to La Perla or Chantelle and let them buy their own.
I also don’t wear makeup in general. I used to sometimes have sex in clown makeup for fun or after we’d spent hours painting or body painting each other. Just me put on makeup for another’s fantasy? Maybe as a favor, but not if I am being pushed to.
I love being fingered by someone who is good at it. Have you had her show you how she likes to be touched?
I can talk about fantasies, but they are very person specific fantasies, I don’t fantasize about strangers and I never have.
People have different sexual preferences. You sound very visual. I can understand why your sex life goes in fits and starts, having someone repeatedly want you to do things that are of no interest to you is wearing, it can you make you feel like they would prefer to be elsewhere and can be down right insulting. Every time it starts up again is probably because she has decided that maybe you understand or she actually misses sex with you and thinks maybe you will stop trying to make her sexual preferences into something they are not. Sooner or later she will give up entirely.
Some of us are not exhibitionist at all, and never will be.
She probably sticks with the basics because she knows she will get pleasure from it without having to deal with you pushing toward something she isn’t into.
Frankly after so many years, you should know what she doesn’t like and stop bugging her!
The sad thing is you are probably missing fun things that she might like.
My suggestion is let her decide/suggest what you will try. It will take patience for her to feel that you actually want to know. It may mean months of basics for her to be comfortable and may go in fits and starts, but she may start letting you know.
Be thrilled for every step she takes beyond the basics, because she may feel that her needs have been ignored for a long time.
Maybe try toys on yourself, let her try them on you if she wants. It is a turn to get the other person turned, but not if you are pushed to it, then it’s just an unpleasant chore.
Women, esp if the US, have lived under conditions where their wants and needs are ignored. We are told to smile, just try this, be nice to x, whatever on a daily basis. When we say no, it is rarely accepted as a no.
Your wife has basically been saying no to your requests that she not interested in for a long time, you are still looking for ways to get a yes. I would stop and ask her what she might like. The answer maybe weird like doing more dishes, there is frankly nothing sexier sometimes than a man doing the dishes.
Stuff like Giving massages, nothing sexual just straight massages, washing her hair or bathing, anything that she likes that involves touching her in a non sexual way, so she can get used to liking your touch more.
The more you can create an open space for her to explore what she might like sexually without pressure to try what she doesn’t want, the better.

 

[Noor]

Newsflash. No woman would feel safe around you. You’re trying to make your wife do things sexually that she is not comfortable with. You’re telling her what to enjoy and then when she doesn’t, you tell her there’s something wrong in her brain.

For fuck’s sake.

You are a walking red flag. I’m not surprised in the slightest she doesn’t want to try anything with you. You’re an abusive husband. Clear as day to me. The woman you call your wife but treat like a crack whore should run as far away from you as possible.

Absolutely, I agree though it sounds more like a porn director.
I’ve seen divorces over such behavior.

 

[Noor]

I've been married 3 times. Not once have I tried to mold any of them to my whims. I always lived with them first, and when we both felt 100% compatible in all ways, we got married. It wasn't just about sex...but I admit that all 3 met my sexual desires in a partner and willingness to explore.

Flash forward, and I've told all 3 of my daughters to live with a guy for a year or two and THEN decide if it should go into marriage.

For the OP, it sounds to me that you're frustrated that you married a woman who doesn't want to explore. But after 20 years, you should be used to that and happy with her decision, because you two are still together.

She may want to explore but has been pushed toward uninintereting things

 

[Bob_Bytchin]

She may want to explore but has been pushed toward uninintereting things

Exactly. But he still seems to be molding her to his whims.

 

[live4thebj]

Everyone, wondering your input. I am happily married, 48, married almost 20 years. I was wife's first. She is very pretty, shy, sensitive and (while I am biased) growing older very beautifully. What bothers me is her reticence and unwillingness with some things. She has no interest in touching herself, except occasionally when asked and she will do this only very briefly (the latter is only the last 5 years or so, before that nothing); she confessed a few years ago that receiving oral is not her thing, and she's never (with me) orgasmed that way. We have bought toys over the years that she mostly, barely uses and does so only when I ask, again only for a few minutes. She doesn't seem to enjoy fantasizing even when we're just playfully chatting. She does have some sexy outfits I've bought her, but those are likewise mothballed unless I ask. I've asked her to put on fun makeup and she doesn't want to. If I am fingering her, she doesn't cum, or I think try to. Over the years I've felt a lot of what I have done, or tried, was unwelcome. This gets depressing after a while. We go in fits and starts with sex, kind of cyclical and depending on work/kids etc. Overall she most often just wants to get to the basics. I don't want to sound ungrateful for what I have and I know some will say I do. But does this seem weird? Am I being unfair to want her to be more adventurous and willing to try things together?

Sounds like you aren’t asking nor listening what SHE needs but more focused on what you want what YOU think will work. The biggest turnoff is trying to make a person do something they don’t want to do.

I had a woman try to force me to cuddle after fucking three times. I only do that with someone I really care about.

I had a woman tell me I am going to shave. Like she is the boss of me.

I had a woman did two things. First insisted I will have sex with a guy because she says so. Then she told me how she has three or four kids with three or four guys and none married her and she wanted to have another kid and tried to get me to fuck her. I ended up just fisting her to get her to cum and then leave.

I am sure I have more but you get the picture.

 

[Noor]

Thanks, appreciate this. I think what bothers me most is my feeling that she doesn't feel safe enough around me, or for some reason or another, to open up more. I have told her I feel there's something in her brain that makes her uncomfortable and even wonder if it's me, and not her, ie meaning she'd be different with someone else. She does sometimes surprise me, to be fair. It's just the constant uphill of it all. Thanks for your

I know I should, in fact I would say I have. But what it 'could be'!!

Yes, you are probably missing what it could have been, but not because your particular fantasies are not being fulfilled but by not providing a safe space for the other person to be their own sexual self. She might have all sorts of kinky things she might be interested in trying if she felt safe, listen to and heard, you have no idea.
She maybe quite wild just not exhibitionism or into toys.

 

[muddler35]

I think @1kc74 was very brave in coming here looking for advice. Nothing he said seemed like he was being pushy or trying to bend her will. He was trying to encourage her to embrace her sexuality. Maybe dog piling him is counterproductive. He quite obviously loves his wife. He is just trying to do right. He is allowed to have desires too.

 

[live4thebj]

I think @1kc74 was very brave in coming here looking for advice. Nothing he said seemed like he was being pushy or trying to bend her will. He was trying to encourage her to embrace her sexuality. Maybe dog piling him is counterproductive. He quite obviously loves his wife. He is just trying to do right. He is allowed to have desires too.

If he was doing it right he wouldn’t need to run it by us. We are giving honest feedback that he either can absorb or ignore and keep doing what clearly isn’t working. The best tool is communication and listening.

 

[girlsmiley]

I think @1kc74 was very brave in coming here looking for advice. Nothing he said seemed like he was being pushy or trying to bend her will. He was trying to encourage her to embrace her sexuality. Maybe dog piling him is counterproductive. He quite obviously loves his wife. He is just trying to do right. He is allowed to have desires too.

Court Jester. Fitting.

Very brave you say? Reads more like arrogance to me. Very bold for someone to come online and tell the world he’s not happy with his wife. I’m thinking you may have selective reading because he most definitely has tried to make her do things she doesn’t enjoy. Maybe coming here to dog his wife like a loser wasn’t a good idea.

You’re welcome.

 

[muddler35]

Point taken

 

[muddler35]

Court Jester. Fitting.

Very brave you say? Reads more like arrogance to me. Very bold for someone to come online and tell the world he’s not happy with his wife. I’m thinking you may have selective reading because he most definitely has tried to make her do things she doesn’t enjoy. Maybe coming here to dog his wife like a loser wasn’t a good idea.

You’re welcome.

I’m not sure that I’m the one practicing selective reading. If you look back, you will see I advised communication, safety, and caution moving forward.

I seem to have offended you, I apologize, that was not my intent.

 

[girlsmiley]

I’m not sure that I’m the one practicing selective reading. If you look back, you will see I advised communication, safety, and caution moving forward.

I seem to have offended you, I apologize, that was not my intent.

Your words “He was trying to encourage her” are sick and twisted.

If you gave a crap about safety you wouldn’t use language like that.

 

[girlsmiley]

Offended.

Haha. Fuck off.

 

[Noor]

I think @1kc74 was very brave in coming here looking for advice. Nothing he said seemed like he was being pushy or trying to bend her will. He was trying to encourage her to embrace her sexuality. Maybe dog piling him is counterproductive. He quite obviously loves his wife. He is just trying to do right. He is allowed to have desires too.

And we are trying to help. Some of us may us harsh words because by his own admission, he is not hearing his wife saying she isn’t interested in touching herself, her wearing his idea of sexy clothing and so on.
That’s not her sexuality, that’s his idea of what her sexuality should be.
He needs to provide a safe space when she can explorer her own sexuality if she wants to.
Everyone is allowed to have desires, but that does not mean everyone is entitled to have them fulfilled by an uninterested partner.