Distrust in Men. Help.

[Lotrgal205]

A little background: I came out of an 8-year emotionally and verbally abusive marriage three years ago.

I went on a date a few days ago and I thought it went well. We had been talking a couple weeks prior and we seemed to click wonderfully! The next day, however, he told me he was considering dating his ex-wife after telling me there was no chance they would get back together.

I embarrassingly cried for four hours that night because I felt so foolish! It was like a bad April Fool’s joke.

Fast forward to today where I was supposed to meet my cousin for brunch, and he stood me up.

I KNOW all men aren’t abusive and terrible. I know there are some genuinely good men, but now I’m not sure if I ever want to open myself up to the possibility of meeting someone like that due to my past interactions with men.

Can any of you relate to this? Am I just being completely sexist and rude and judgmental?

 

[rockcasbah]

Don’t worry about it.

You’ll be craving some newguys cawk soon enough!

 

[Kitt_e_Katt_za]

It's all about giving yourself time to heal.
You can't paint everyone with the same brush, take a step back, take care of yourself.
Everything will right itself in time

 

[FataMorgana]

No you aren't. Trust none of the fuckers. They can't lie straight in bed.

 

[KatieDoes]

I think you sound like it might not be time to start dating yet.

Not because if you wait a year, men will magically become better. They won’t. There will still be jerks and dirtbags and users out there. But you’ll be emotionally stronger and less vulnerable to them when you cross paths with them.

What if you focused on you? Do all of the things that you didn’t get to do when you were married. Travel. Volunteer. Take a class and learn something new. Find something you’re passionate about, that’s just for you. Do that.

Someday, if you meet someone who’s company you enjoy, you might choose to spend some of your time with him. There’s such a big difference between choosing to spend time with someone and feeling like you need to. But you certainly don’t need a man’s company to have a good life. You certainly don’t need a man’s validation to be valuable. You definitely don’t need a man that makes you feel worse after you see him than you did before.

Don’t worry about men. Get yourself a good vibrator and a hobby.

 

[twister947]

I think you sound like it might not be time to start dating yet.

Not because if you wait a year, men will magically become better. They won’t. There will still be jerks and dirtbags and users out there. But you’ll be emotionally stronger and less vulnerable to them when you cross paths with them.

What if you focused on you? Do all of the things that you didn’t get to do when you were married. Travel. Volunteer. Take a class and learn something new. Find something you’re passionate about, that’s just for you. Do that.

Someday, if you meet someone who’s company you enjoy, you might choose to spend some of your time with him. There’s such a big difference between choosing to spend time with someone and feeling like you need to. But you certainly don’t need a man’s company to have a good life. You certainly don’t need a man’s validation to be valuable. You definitely don’t need a man that makes you feel worse after you see him than you did before.

Don’t worry about men. Get yourself a good vibrator and a hobby.

This. Every word of it.

 

[girlsmiley]

At least he said something.

 

[Fermina_Daza]

Sounds like you endured some serious trauma that is still having residual effects. Been there. It may not go away, but it can get easier. I recommend talking to a counselor/therapist. I saw someone after a relationship ended abruptly and badly, and she helped me identify why I endured some of the crap I did (trauma bonding, love bombing, some coercive control) and how to handle the aftermath.

Be kind to yourself.

 

[greengamegirl]

Try making friends before focusing on the end goal of a relationship. There are other ways to get out there then just dating.

 

[Fermina_Daza]

Try making friends before focusing on the end goal of a relationship. There are other ways to get out there then just dating.

This too. My husband and I were friends for two years before we got together.

 

[girlsmiley]

At least he said something.

Sorry this was so short. Busy morning. I meant in a way that some people won’t say anything (or lie) and go out with you anyway just to get you in the sack.

 

[Lotrgal205]

Sounds like you endured some serious trauma that is still having residual effects. Been there. It may not go away, but it can get easier. I recommend talking to a counselor/therapist. I saw someone after a relationship ended abruptly and badly, and she helped me identify why I endured some of the crap I did (trauma bonding, love bombing, some coercive control) and how to handle the aftermath.

Be kind to yourself.

Sorry this was so short. Busy morning. I meant in a way that some people won’t say anything (or lie) and go out with you anyway just to get you in the sack.

That’s true! I am glad he was honest and let me know instead of leading me on.

 

[Lotrgal205]

Sounds like you endured some serious trauma that is still having residual effects. Been there. It may not go away, but it can get easier. I recommend talking to a counselor/therapist. I saw someone after a relationship ended abruptly and badly, and she helped me identify why I endured some of the crap I did (trauma bonding, love bombing, some coercive control) and how to handle the aftermath.

Be kind to yourself.

Thank you!

I’ve been in counseling for almost a year and it’s been incredibly helpful! Thank you for that suggestion. I’m glad that your therapist was able to help you! Trauma bonding is so terrible to go through.

 

[Lotrgal205]

I think you sound like it might not be time to start dating yet.

Not because if you wait a year, men will magically become better. They won’t. There will still be jerks and dirtbags and users out there. But you’ll be emotionally stronger and less vulnerable to them when you cross paths with them.

What if you focused on you? Do all of the things that you didn’t get to do when you were married. Travel. Volunteer. Take a class and learn something new. Find something you’re passionate about, that’s just for you. Do that.

Someday, if you meet someone who’s company you enjoy, you might choose to spend some of your time with him. There’s such a big difference between choosing to spend time with someone and feeling like you need to. But you certainly don’t need a man’s company to have a good life. You certainly don’t need a man’s validation to be valuable. You definitely don’t need a man that makes you feel worse after you see him than you did before.

Don’t worry about men. Get yourself a good vibrator and a hobby.

“There’s such a big difference between choosing to spend time with someone and feeling like you need to.”

Thank you!

 

[Champakian]

Lose the marriage weight...


:nods:

 

[JohnnySavage]

Don't be a pussy. Nobody but you is responsible for your happiness. There are four billion men (and an equal number of women, if you decide to go that direction) on Earth. If one doesn't fit your ideal, move on to the next and don't give it another thought.

 

[KatieDoes]

Comments like these are incredibly rude and uncalled for. They speak more to your lack of character and decency than anything else.

They’re just doing their part to make the entire idea of dating a man completely unappealing.

 

[BrokenBarbie]

Treat them as disposable. Anyone worth the trouble will put forth the extra effort.

Of course, that’s also how you end up with a stalker.

 

[KatieDoes]

I remember a time when parents taught their children that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

They were raised by wolves, though.

They‘re both resident shitty troll types. Hopefully the OP knows to take a quick post stalk before she decides who‘s opinion to give credence to. It will only take her 15 seconds to see what she’s dealing with and know to ignore them.

 

[Saltfountain]

There are cunts out there of all genders and sexual persuasions.
I'm not defending your ex in any way shape or form, he sounds like a total and utter cunt. But is this a distrust of men or a distrust of relationships?

Don’t worry about it.

You’ll be craving some newguys cawk soon enough!

Lose the marriage weight...


:nods:

Comments like this are pathetic and unnecessary, and will reinforce your view that men are generally cunts

No you aren't. Trust none of the fuckers. They can't lie straight in bed.

But comments like this won't help either.

If it's seen as a pure male vs female thing, it will only lead to further pain and upset. You're a woman physically attracted to men (or it seems that way). So if you do decide to date again, it will likely be with a male. Having the nagging doubt in your mind that all males are untrustworthy won't help with finding the right person for you.
As others have said, go out, make friends, have fun and see what (if anything) develops. Going out looking for a relationship is a recipe for disaster

 

[Saltfountain]

They were raised by wolves, though.

They‘re both resident shitty troll types. Hopefully the OP knows to take a quick post stalk before she decides who‘s opinion to give credence to. It will only take her 15 seconds to see what she’s dealing with and know to ignore them.

Post stalking me will lead to trawling through several hundred posts with just a 3 digit number in

 

[oneblueye]

A little background: I came out of an 8-year emotionally and verbally abusive marriage three years ago.

I went on a date a few days ago and I thought it went well. We had been talking a couple weeks prior and we seemed to click wonderfully! The next day, however, he told me he was considering dating his ex-wife after telling me there was no chance they would get back together.

I embarrassingly cried for four hours that night because I felt so foolish! It was like a bad April Fool’s joke.

Fast forward to today where I was supposed to meet my cousin for brunch, and he stood me up.

I KNOW all men aren’t abusive and terrible. I know there are some genuinely good men, but now I’m not sure if I ever want to open myself up to the possibility of meeting someone like that due to my past interactions with men.

Can any of you relate to this? Am I just being completely sexist and rude and judgmental?

"completely sexist and rude and judgemental?"
No not 'completely', you're hurt and discouraged---, g'on baby and blow all that steam, blow it all off. You got the right to be indignate. People gonna treat ya badly like that, g'on and fuss, you earned the right to blow off.

 

[rockcasbah]

Most women dye their hair blonde at this lifepoint.

 

[oggbashan]

One of my wife's friends survived an abusive relationship and had to go through a traumatic divorce.

We supported her through the process and still do. She went off men for five years - except for me because I was in a long term marriage and wasn't a threat - just her friend's husband who would make myself scarce if she was upset.

She has found another man, who treats her well, but every time she sees me, with or without her husband, I get hugged just for being there for her when she needed us.

It takes time to heal and friends can help.

 

[silver gurl]

They were raised by wolves, though.

They‘re both resident shitty troll types. Hopefully the OP knows to take a quick post stalk before she decides who‘s opinion to give credence to. It will only take her 15 seconds to see what she’s dealing with and know to ignore them.

Never come to the GB looking for sympathy. You won’t find a lot of that here.

If the OP has a serious question, it’s best to ask on other forums. They are much more helpful