chazman
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 9, 2004
- Posts
- 708
Hi there everyone,
I thought I would share with you the fact that I am a Man totally obsessed with good food.
I guess partly due to me living with an Italian family for 20 years (through my first Marriage)
I eat nothing from a box, frozen foods I avoid like the plague and don't EVER try and serve me anything with a sauce that came from a fucking jar, unless I put it there
I will concede to using Ketchup but that's it!
I've lived outside the US for many years and I just can't understand why so many Americans (yes, I am one) eat crap!
It bewilders me to see so many cars lined up at fast food drive throughs when they could easily go home and in 5 minutes have a decent meal.
No wonder so many are fat pigs!!!!!!!!
Get your ass in that kitchen and cook something ya miserable lazy shithead.
Excuse me but what can I say........ I'm passionate about food.
And guys.... watch your dairy intake if you want your partner (notice the Politically correct term there) (Fuck P.C. actually)
to go down on you and actually swallow that stuff.
Actually, watch fast food too.
If anyone needs any great traditional recipes feel free to email me
Or ask away here.
I do great Italian and BBQ not to mention the best damn Salmon with Scallops in a cream sauce you ever tasted. Takes 20min.
Speaking of BBQs. What's up with all this sweet sauce that everyone seems to like here. If ya want a good sauce for your meat (Now Now, be good) mix up a little red wine, Ketchup, Garlic and "Worcestershire Sauce" and not the cheap no name brand either you tight asses. When it comes to food DON'T SKIMP!!
Things I hate realted to food.....
STARBUCKS:
(only good for Yuppie meetings) their coffee absolutely sucks!!! Actually, it's not the beans, it's what they do with it. Ya want a good coffee go buy an old fashioned Italian stove top espresso machine, get some decent beans and make it yourself. Forget all this tootie fruity sweet syrup shit that is just full of sugar too....... OR. grab a Tully's
ALBERTSONS GROCERY STORE:
Now here's a place to grab all those really hard to find shity crapy products. Enough said on that one........ There are NO great Supermarket chains in the US, there's a couple of very small stores I go to but I also get a lot of my food from O/S
YES. I also bring Coffee beans in from O/S.
Ooopsss. Trader joes is good, sorry TJs
They have good pasta there too, it's only 0.69 a bag 1lb
ALL FAST FOOD PLACES:
They all suck. Besides, if I want a burger, I make the best I've ever had, well, except for a little hole in the wall on a South pacific Island called Vanuatu.
(I know I'm boring the hell out of everyone but I need to get all this off my chest)
MARGERINE:
People who put margerine on everything, even toast.
Get some class and try Olive Oil. Best for you and tastes a heck of a lot better.
I ACTUALLY WENT TO A DENNY'S: (shhhhhh) Moms Fault
I nearly died when they brought out my plate (grand slam or something it was) They actually put the eggs right next to the pancakes, on the same fuckin' plate!!!!!!!!! GROSS!!!!!!!!
I sent it back.......
(Don't ever go to a restaurant with me, unless I know it-)
SWEET PASTA SAUCES:
NEVER, NEVER, put sugar in a pasta sauce. If I ever see you do that I'll spare myself the misery of witnessing it next time and kill ya..... Salt yes but NO sugar.
While I'm at it........ Don't put it in a pizza sauce either.
CHEAP PASTA:
As mentioned earlier, get your pasta from Trader Joes. Yes there's better but it's too hard to find.
B.B.Q. WITH LIGHTER FLUID:
If I want a bit of gasoline with my BBQ I'd fucking ask for it!!
Go on........ drink some and see how good it is, I've smelt the stuff all through the cooking process. Go and buy some decent self lighting coals (yeah yeah, I know, it's got the shit on it too but it goes away fast) OR better still, use lots of wood and cook from the coals. Oh. Forget those gas grills too.
PEAOPLE WHO DINE AT "OLIVE GARDEN" and think they've had Italian. Bull shit! It's about as Italian as fucking Wendy's.
KRAFT PARMESSAN CHEESE:
Look folks.... I don't know what that stuff is that they put in those green cardboard containers but it aint no Parmigiano.
You spend what, $2.50 on it (I'm guessing here) go to a Safeway at least and buy yourself their Verdi brand grated Parmesan Cheese. It's actually very good. If you're near a Trader Joes get theirs.
SCRAMBLED EGGS WITH MILK:
For gods sake! If you want the best scrambled eggs here's what ya do......... Skillet on med. Olive Oil, a good amount too. (Never, Ever use vegetable oil) Before the pan is hot crack 4 eggs into it and with a spatchula NOT A FRIGGIN METAL FORK MORON stir it up just so as you can still see the white part. Salt pepper to taste and that's it. I happen to like to put a sprinkle of Parmesan it it too...
VEGETABLE OILS:
NEVER, NEVER USE THIS STUFF.
V O is bad for you, at least use canola, peanut or Grape.
Naturally, the best is Olive Oil. You can only fry in olive oil for a short time as it's burning point is far less than other oils.
The only good use for vegetable oil is cleaning my BBQ grill.
Then I burn it off.
BOTTLED SALAD DRESSING:
Yes folks, even the so called gourmet ones. Nothing that comes out of a bottle you buy at the grocery is gourmet, got it?
There's only one salad dressing and that's home made Italian.
Get your salad and pour white vinegar and extra virgin olive oil over it and don't skimp. Equal parts, well, almost. A little less Vinegar. Salt and pepper and a good handful of grated Parmesan cheese.
FRUIT FROM A GROCERY STORE:
It almost always sucks. Ever noticed that the fruit is almost always hard. You can't rippen fruit in a store or at home.
Go to a fruit shop and buy decent stuff.
WOMEN WHO USE TOO MUCH MAKEUP/CREAM CLEANER:
Yes, it's food related. If you want good skin just induldge in Olive Oil ok? My skin used to be yuk but with me pushing 48 and a few years of using it I have beautiful skin.
Ladies, even "Clinique" is bad for you.....
FRENCHES MUSTARD:
It aint fuckin' French!!! It's not even Mustard so don't kid yourself.
If you want a decent mustard give 'Plochmans" a try.
For what it is it's very cheap. If that's important to ya and if it is-
DON'T Eat!
Otherwise..... Try a good stone ground mustard, at least one that doesn't have the appearance of yellow much.
FRENCH COOKS:
Above got me thinking........ French think they are the best cooks but in fact they only outrank the world in being tremendously snobbish and arrogant. Oh, they also hate Americans.
PEOPLE WHO WATCH SPORTS OTHER THAN THE FOOD NETWORK:
Thats all Although who would have guessed years ago that a celebrity was actually someone who did a cooking show as apposed to saying. "I'll be back"
Don't get me started on bad movies too now........
BREAD WITH SUGAR IN IT:
I go fuckin' nuts at grocery stores. You go try and find a sliced bread with less than 1gr sugar in it.
ITALIAN SODA:
Many coffee places serve this shit. For one, it's not Italian and secondly, it's full of sugar!!!!
Give it to a wop and see what happens..
CHEAP AMERICAN BEER:
I'm not a beer drinker by any means, get's me too drunk but on rare occations when I do buy it, usually for guests (and I'll tell you they line up outside this house) I buy real beer.
Such as Steinlager, Stella Artois or even Pyramid.
Budweiser, Coors and MGD are NOT beer ass holes.
It's piss disguised as beer. Spend an extra 2 bucks ya tight assed redneck and buy something decent.
FRENCH WINES:
Hate to break it to ya but French wine isn't the best anymore.
Many of them are just too overpriced and besides, I've boycotted all French products.
The best wines in the world come from Australia. Did you know that for the past 10 years or more that Australia has been selling wine technology to the French? That's true.
Ahh but don't go buying that "Yellowtail" shit.
Jackobs Creek is excellent and not expensive.
COOKING WINE:
What the heck is this shit!! Use a wine you would drink.
Always use white wine when cooking chicken in the oven or I'll come over to your house and stick the chicken in YOUR oven...
There's a lot more but don't worry I'll post again!!
Tomorrow I'll do a list of things I love, for those of you who may be interested and my guess is it's going to be about 1 or 2.
Oh, well then ok. Not counting me, one.
Seriously though. I am a chef IMHO and I take great pride in what I cook. It's easy to cook quality food both time wise and dollar wise. If you need help just ask away.......
Oh, one last thing. People actually get sick from using those cheap so called non stick frypans. Buy an expensive one from a decent kitchen store, not the fucking supermarket.....
Charlie Chan the Cooking man
I thought I would share with you the fact that I am a Man totally obsessed with good food.
I guess partly due to me living with an Italian family for 20 years (through my first Marriage)
I eat nothing from a box, frozen foods I avoid like the plague and don't EVER try and serve me anything with a sauce that came from a fucking jar, unless I put it there
I will concede to using Ketchup but that's it!
I've lived outside the US for many years and I just can't understand why so many Americans (yes, I am one) eat crap!
It bewilders me to see so many cars lined up at fast food drive throughs when they could easily go home and in 5 minutes have a decent meal.
No wonder so many are fat pigs!!!!!!!!
Get your ass in that kitchen and cook something ya miserable lazy shithead.
Excuse me but what can I say........ I'm passionate about food.
And guys.... watch your dairy intake if you want your partner (notice the Politically correct term there) (Fuck P.C. actually)
to go down on you and actually swallow that stuff.
Actually, watch fast food too.
If anyone needs any great traditional recipes feel free to email me
Or ask away here.
I do great Italian and BBQ not to mention the best damn Salmon with Scallops in a cream sauce you ever tasted. Takes 20min.
Speaking of BBQs. What's up with all this sweet sauce that everyone seems to like here. If ya want a good sauce for your meat (Now Now, be good) mix up a little red wine, Ketchup, Garlic and "Worcestershire Sauce" and not the cheap no name brand either you tight asses. When it comes to food DON'T SKIMP!!
Things I hate realted to food.....
STARBUCKS:
(only good for Yuppie meetings) their coffee absolutely sucks!!! Actually, it's not the beans, it's what they do with it. Ya want a good coffee go buy an old fashioned Italian stove top espresso machine, get some decent beans and make it yourself. Forget all this tootie fruity sweet syrup shit that is just full of sugar too....... OR. grab a Tully's
ALBERTSONS GROCERY STORE:
Now here's a place to grab all those really hard to find shity crapy products. Enough said on that one........ There are NO great Supermarket chains in the US, there's a couple of very small stores I go to but I also get a lot of my food from O/S
YES. I also bring Coffee beans in from O/S.
Ooopsss. Trader joes is good, sorry TJs
They have good pasta there too, it's only 0.69 a bag 1lb
ALL FAST FOOD PLACES:
They all suck. Besides, if I want a burger, I make the best I've ever had, well, except for a little hole in the wall on a South pacific Island called Vanuatu.
(I know I'm boring the hell out of everyone but I need to get all this off my chest)
MARGERINE:
People who put margerine on everything, even toast.
Get some class and try Olive Oil. Best for you and tastes a heck of a lot better.
I ACTUALLY WENT TO A DENNY'S: (shhhhhh) Moms Fault
I nearly died when they brought out my plate (grand slam or something it was) They actually put the eggs right next to the pancakes, on the same fuckin' plate!!!!!!!!! GROSS!!!!!!!!
I sent it back.......
(Don't ever go to a restaurant with me, unless I know it-)
SWEET PASTA SAUCES:
NEVER, NEVER, put sugar in a pasta sauce. If I ever see you do that I'll spare myself the misery of witnessing it next time and kill ya..... Salt yes but NO sugar.
While I'm at it........ Don't put it in a pizza sauce either.
CHEAP PASTA:
As mentioned earlier, get your pasta from Trader Joes. Yes there's better but it's too hard to find.
B.B.Q. WITH LIGHTER FLUID:
If I want a bit of gasoline with my BBQ I'd fucking ask for it!!
Go on........ drink some and see how good it is, I've smelt the stuff all through the cooking process. Go and buy some decent self lighting coals (yeah yeah, I know, it's got the shit on it too but it goes away fast) OR better still, use lots of wood and cook from the coals. Oh. Forget those gas grills too.
PEAOPLE WHO DINE AT "OLIVE GARDEN" and think they've had Italian. Bull shit! It's about as Italian as fucking Wendy's.
KRAFT PARMESSAN CHEESE:
Look folks.... I don't know what that stuff is that they put in those green cardboard containers but it aint no Parmigiano.
You spend what, $2.50 on it (I'm guessing here) go to a Safeway at least and buy yourself their Verdi brand grated Parmesan Cheese. It's actually very good. If you're near a Trader Joes get theirs.
SCRAMBLED EGGS WITH MILK:
For gods sake! If you want the best scrambled eggs here's what ya do......... Skillet on med. Olive Oil, a good amount too. (Never, Ever use vegetable oil) Before the pan is hot crack 4 eggs into it and with a spatchula NOT A FRIGGIN METAL FORK MORON stir it up just so as you can still see the white part. Salt pepper to taste and that's it. I happen to like to put a sprinkle of Parmesan it it too...
VEGETABLE OILS:
NEVER, NEVER USE THIS STUFF.
V O is bad for you, at least use canola, peanut or Grape.
Naturally, the best is Olive Oil. You can only fry in olive oil for a short time as it's burning point is far less than other oils.
The only good use for vegetable oil is cleaning my BBQ grill.
Then I burn it off.
BOTTLED SALAD DRESSING:
Yes folks, even the so called gourmet ones. Nothing that comes out of a bottle you buy at the grocery is gourmet, got it?
There's only one salad dressing and that's home made Italian.
Get your salad and pour white vinegar and extra virgin olive oil over it and don't skimp. Equal parts, well, almost. A little less Vinegar. Salt and pepper and a good handful of grated Parmesan cheese.
FRUIT FROM A GROCERY STORE:
It almost always sucks. Ever noticed that the fruit is almost always hard. You can't rippen fruit in a store or at home.
Go to a fruit shop and buy decent stuff.
WOMEN WHO USE TOO MUCH MAKEUP/CREAM CLEANER:
Yes, it's food related. If you want good skin just induldge in Olive Oil ok? My skin used to be yuk but with me pushing 48 and a few years of using it I have beautiful skin.
Ladies, even "Clinique" is bad for you.....
FRENCHES MUSTARD:
It aint fuckin' French!!! It's not even Mustard so don't kid yourself.
If you want a decent mustard give 'Plochmans" a try.
For what it is it's very cheap. If that's important to ya and if it is-
DON'T Eat!
Otherwise..... Try a good stone ground mustard, at least one that doesn't have the appearance of yellow much.
FRENCH COOKS:
Above got me thinking........ French think they are the best cooks but in fact they only outrank the world in being tremendously snobbish and arrogant. Oh, they also hate Americans.
PEOPLE WHO WATCH SPORTS OTHER THAN THE FOOD NETWORK:
Thats all Although who would have guessed years ago that a celebrity was actually someone who did a cooking show as apposed to saying. "I'll be back"
Don't get me started on bad movies too now........
BREAD WITH SUGAR IN IT:
I go fuckin' nuts at grocery stores. You go try and find a sliced bread with less than 1gr sugar in it.
ITALIAN SODA:
Many coffee places serve this shit. For one, it's not Italian and secondly, it's full of sugar!!!!
Give it to a wop and see what happens..
CHEAP AMERICAN BEER:
I'm not a beer drinker by any means, get's me too drunk but on rare occations when I do buy it, usually for guests (and I'll tell you they line up outside this house) I buy real beer.
Such as Steinlager, Stella Artois or even Pyramid.
Budweiser, Coors and MGD are NOT beer ass holes.
It's piss disguised as beer. Spend an extra 2 bucks ya tight assed redneck and buy something decent.
FRENCH WINES:
Hate to break it to ya but French wine isn't the best anymore.
Many of them are just too overpriced and besides, I've boycotted all French products.
The best wines in the world come from Australia. Did you know that for the past 10 years or more that Australia has been selling wine technology to the French? That's true.
Ahh but don't go buying that "Yellowtail" shit.
Jackobs Creek is excellent and not expensive.
COOKING WINE:
What the heck is this shit!! Use a wine you would drink.
Always use white wine when cooking chicken in the oven or I'll come over to your house and stick the chicken in YOUR oven...
There's a lot more but don't worry I'll post again!!
Tomorrow I'll do a list of things I love, for those of you who may be interested and my guess is it's going to be about 1 or 2.
Oh, well then ok. Not counting me, one.
Seriously though. I am a chef IMHO and I take great pride in what I cook. It's easy to cook quality food both time wise and dollar wise. If you need help just ask away.......
Oh, one last thing. People actually get sick from using those cheap so called non stick frypans. Buy an expensive one from a decent kitchen store, not the fucking supermarket.....
Charlie Chan the Cooking man
