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As The Hospital Pervs

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Balladeer08 said:
Reminds me of the story of the lady who had an orgasm every time she sneezed.

When asked what she was taking for it, she said "Pepper."

I hope your sneezes feel THAT good. 8)
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It is spring sex from the tree porn and I don't mind the sneeze. I guess this is some kind of allergy.

It's raining hard now, I wish I could stay home.
 
I've debated on the wisdom of telling this story, but I can't help myself. It's too good not to tell. Please don't quote this post in its entirety; I may come back and edit later.

I've had this patient for a few days now - a middle aged man - who is married to an 80-something year old woman. I'm going to call the patient Dick; you'll understand. Dick is diabetic and doesn't understand why his attempts at near-constant grazing keep his glucose in the 350+ range. He also doesn't understand why I'm on a mission to keep outside food cleaned from his room. (Frankly, I'm sick of chasing his glucose, but that's beside the point.)

He gets agitated because he can't eat what he wants when he wants it. I go in and patiently explain for the umpteenth time how hyperglycemia causes polyphagia which in turn increases the glucose level - and it becomes a nasty cycle. Of course, he doesn't want an explanation; he wants FOOD. When I don't give in, he gets even more agitated. Next thing I know, he's screaming chest pain. OK, whatever. I follow chest pain protocol - minus the morphine because nobody will order morphine for him.

So the first day I worked with him, I went in to give him an insulin shot. Guess who I found in his bed? Yup, the 80-something year old wifey. I very diplomatically asked her to get out of his bed, so he tried the old "She's a retired RN" line. That doesn't work on me. "Then you know why I have to ask you to stay out of his bed." She got up, and I gave him his injection.

I can't count how many times that first day that I ran his wife out of his bed and went through the whole hungry/agitation/chest pain/nitro cycle. I chose not to ask security to remove the woman from the facility because the best I could tell, they really weren't doing anything......shall we say.....offensive.

When I went to give him one of his insulin injections that first day, he told me (and this is a direct quote), "My wife is a retired RN. She gives insulin shots the exact same way you do. Except she kisses it and makes it better. You didn't kiss it and make it better." I gave him my best Nurse Ratchet glare and told him he's SOL and that was inappropriate, blah blah blah.

Then comes day 2 of our professional relationship. I *could've* foisted Dick off on another nurse, but I'm usually the one who takes the difficult patients for the other nurses. Hell with it; I accepted the assignment.

Almost the whole day fell in the category of "Same song, second verse." Explain the ^BS/polyphagia/^ food cycle, agitation, and chest pain protocol. Chase glucose levels all damn day. Chase Mrs Dick out of his bed. Attempt to control urge to roll eyes.

THEN it happened. I went into his room to give his AC insulin at dinner time. When I looked down to give it in his arm, I noticed a pair of pink panties on the floor. In a split second, about half a dozen potential reactions flew through my brain. I fought the urge to vomit and pulled the panties away from his bed with the toe of my tennis shoe. I didn't have to say anything. I just glared and pointed at the floor.

He *immediately* tells me it's not what it looks like. OK, look, do I have IDIOT tattooed on my forehead? He goes on to tell me that his wife brought them in as a joke - so with all these pretty young nurses around, he wouldn't forget who his wife is. I only said, "That's inappropriate, but I'll let the nurse manager deal with it."

I left the room and nearly DIED laughing. Couldn't find my boss, so I called her cell phone. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Where the HELL are you?!?
She: In the hall outside 46. Why?
Me: I'll be right there. Don't move.
She: Oh shit.

When I got there, I told her what happened.

She: He's a fucking lunatic.
Me: He's a fruit loop.
She: No, he's a fucking lunatic.
Me: Same thing. *shrug*
She: I think he's wearing them.
Me: Naw, he's a horndog. He either wanted to sniff them or jack off in them, or the wife left them when I ran her out of the bed for the 20th time. (Then I went on to tell her about the kiss comment.)
She: Take him off your assignment for tomorrow.
Me: Already done.
She: Wait. On 2nd thought, you're the best nurse to deal with this kind of shit. Put him back on your assignment.
Me: Fuck off! No way in hell I'm dealing with him for a 3rd day!
She: Damn. I knew you'd say that.

I've worked in a hospital for more years than I care to remember. This was a first. Just when I think nothing else can shock me, some asshole just HAS to prove me wrong.

One thing is certain: Being a nurse is NEVER boring!
 
BeachMomma said:
I've debated on the wisdom of telling this story, but I can't help myself. It's too good not to tell. Please don't quote this post in its entirety; I may come back and edit later.

I've had this patient for a few days now - a middle aged man - who is married to an 80-something year old woman. I'm going to call the patient Dick; you'll understand. Dick is diabetic and doesn't understand why his attempts at near-constant grazing keep his glucose in the 350+ range. He also doesn't understand why I'm on a mission to keep outside food cleaned from his room. (Frankly, I'm sick of chasing his glucose, but that's beside the point.)

He gets agitated because he can't eat what he wants when he wants it. I go in and patiently explain for the umpteenth time how hyperglycemia causes polyphagia which in turn increases the glucose level - and it becomes a nasty cycle. Of course, he doesn't want an explanation; he wants FOOD. When I don't give in, he gets even more agitated. Next thing I know, he's screaming chest pain. OK, whatever. I follow chest pain protocol - minus the morphine because nobody will order morphine for him.

So the first day I worked with him, I went in to give him an insulin shot. Guess who I found in his bed? Yup, the 80-something year old wifey. I very diplomatically asked her to get out of his bed, so he tried the old "She's a retired RN" line. That doesn't work on me. "Then you know why I have to ask you to stay out of his bed." She got up, and I gave him his injection.

I can't count how many times that first day that I ran his wife out of his bed and went through the whole hungry/agitation/chest pain/nitro cycle. I chose not to ask security to remove the woman from the facility because the best I could tell, they really weren't doing anything......shall we say.....offensive.

When I went to give him one of his insulin injections that first day, he told me (and this is a direct quote), "My wife is a retired RN. She gives insulin shots the exact same way you do. Except she kisses it and makes it better. You didn't kiss it and make it better." I gave him my best Nurse Ratchet glare and told him he's SOL and that was inappropriate, blah blah blah.

Then comes day 2 of our professional relationship. I *could've* foisted Dick off on another nurse, but I'm usually the one who takes the difficult patients for the other nurses. Hell with it; I accepted the assignment.

Almost the whole day fell in the category of "Same song, second verse." Explain the ^BS/polyphagia/^ food cycle, agitation, and chest pain protocol. Chase glucose levels all damn day. Chase Mrs Dick out of his bed. Attempt to control urge to roll eyes.

THEN it happened. I went into his room to give his AC insulin at dinner time. When I looked down to give it in his arm, I noticed a pair of pink panties on the floor. In a split second, about half a dozen potential reactions flew through my brain. I fought the urge to vomit and pulled the panties away from his bed with the toe of my tennis shoe. I didn't have to say anything. I just glared and pointed at the floor.

He *immediately* tells me it's not what it looks like. OK, look, do I have IDIOT tattooed on my forehead? He goes on to tell me that his wife brought them in as a joke - so with all these pretty young nurses around, he wouldn't forget who his wife is. I only said, "That's inappropriate, but I'll let the nurse manager deal with it."

I left the room and nearly DIED laughing. Couldn't find my boss, so I called her cell phone. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Where the HELL are you?!?
She: In the hall outside 46. Why?
Me: I'll be right there. Don't move.
She: Oh shit.

When I got there, I told her what happened.

She: He's a fucking lunatic.
Me: He's a fruit loop.
She: No, he's a fucking lunatic.
Me: Same thing. *shrug*
She: I think he's wearing them.
Me: Naw, he's a horndog. He either wanted to sniff them or jack off in them, or the wife left them when I ran her out of the bed for the 20th time. (Then I went on to tell her about the kiss comment.)
She: Take him off your assignment for tomorrow.
Me: Already done.
She: Wait. On 2nd thought, you're the best nurse to deal with this kind of shit. Put him back on your assignment.
Me: Fuck off! No way in hell I'm dealing with him for a 3rd day!
She: Damn. I knew you'd say that.

I've worked in a hospital for more years than I care to remember. This was a first. Just when I think nothing else can shock me, some asshole just HAS to prove me wrong.

One thing is certain: Being a nurse is NEVER boring!
Click to expand...

Hysterical. And rather... gross.

But I think you've hit on the difference between genius and stupidity.

Genius has its limits.
 
Balladeer08 said:
Hysterical. And rather... gross.

But I think you've hit on the difference between genius and stupidity.

Genius has its limits.
Click to expand...
Those were 2 of the strangest days in my career. Yeah, I have my limits and I know them well. Halfway through the 2nd day, I seriously contemplated pillow therapy to cure his problems.

I look good in handcuffs, but prison orange? Blah.
 
Just when you think you have experienced it all..... Really? Panties on the floor?
If she is a retired RN, I hope she doesn't plan on wearing those undergarments in the future.
 
I like to do what I am told to do-- but the Residents are getting on my nerves. I am sick of transporting unstable patients to CT scan.

but I took a risk-- and my patient decompensated and somehow they don't understand the relationship. I can't fully rationalize it, all I know is that kind of movement causes trouble.
 
Residents are the debil.

Here, they like to order bilateral decub chests...portable...on patients who are intubated and sedated. Oh, and generally over 250 pounds. It's awesome! No, really...it is!
 
Bidin~Time said:
Residents are the debil.

Here, they like to order bilateral decub chests...portable...on patients who are intubated and sedated. Oh, and generally over 250 pounds. It's awesome! No, really...it is!
Click to expand...
It's getting ridiculous: less assessment, more costly diagnostics. I am going to make a recording: What are we looking for? Will it alter the plan of care? Is it worth the risk? The radiation?
 
sweepthefloor said:
It's getting ridiculous: less assessment, more costly diagnostics. I am going to make a recording: What are we looking for? Will it alter the plan of care? Is it worth the risk? The radiation?
Click to expand...

This ^^^ is the thing. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love making those rough exams look easy. But they aren't easy, and as I'm kinda bossy and older, I will lead up and hold the patient in position. So not only is the patient being irradiated, so am I, and this may or may not be the first pt I held that day. So far, I've never had to have 'the talk' with the radiation physicist, but it could happen.
 
Bidin~Time said:
This ^^^ is the thing. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love making those rough exams look easy. But they aren't easy, and as I'm kinda bossy and older, I will lead up and hold the patient in position. So not only is the patient being irradiated, so am I, and this may or may not be the first pt I held that day. So far, I've never had to have 'the talk' with the radiation physicist, but it could happen.
Click to expand...

Do you at least put on your lead BVDs?
 
Frankly, I think I'd rather not fiddle with radiation. Give me some asbestos to demo, or let me strip lead paint with a propane torch instead, please.
 
My patients generally aren't able to comply with instructions, so whichever staff escorted them to X-ray also gets to put on the lead and hold them still. The X-ray tech always asks female staff the same question, in the same tone of voice, every single time: "Are you pregnant, yes or no?"

I had to escort three different patients one day, about an hour apart. The first time, and the second time, I said no, but the third time I just had to mess with him a little, so I said "I'm not sure." It took him a second to figure out the implications of that statement. The look on his face was priceless.
 
LongDrySpell said:
My patients generally aren't able to comply with instructions, so whichever staff escorted them to X-ray also gets to put on the lead and hold them still. The X-ray tech always asks female staff the same question, in the same tone of voice, every single time: "Are you pregnant, yes or no?"

I had to escort three different patients one day, about an hour apart. The first time, and the second time, I said no, but the third time I just had to mess with him a little, so I said "I'm not sure." It took him a second to figure out the implications of that statement. The look on his face was priceless.
Click to expand...

Awesome.

Repetitive questions deserve such treatment.

Hence my thread on the V.A. and the suicide question. I swear they are trying to talk me into it.
 
I cried and it doesn't feel good. I lost it about an hour after shift change, and I got yelled at.
 
I can feel the stress hormones ripping up my body. I would like to come down but I don't know how.
 
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