2 feb 2016 - My sisters blood ch1 - by Rarans

[Rarans]

I wrote this vampire incest story, my first one on literotica. I had a lot of negative feedback. So I am looking for a critical riview.

 

[Asbel]

I'm not a fan of incest, but I am pretty well versed in the vampire genre. I'll give it a shot and see what I can find out. Please keep in mind anything I say about your story is meant to help you, not debase you.

 

[Asbel]

Well, to start, it might help to not demean the audience in the author's note. You've written a story about incest. Saying you "know it's wrong and don't support it in any way" is sure to put some people off.

Home sweet home, I knocked the door. It is opened my little sister and she just squealed and hugged me, ah it's just heavenly the warmness, the love, the sweet scent you really need to feel it know it.

This is a bit of a run-on sentence, and parts of it don't really make any sense. It would probably help to read your sentences aloud after writing them - even saying this loud doesn't sound right at all.

I don't even remember exactly what she did but suddenly I was a vampire.

What who did? If we don't know what happened, then why is it important to say something like this?

There's a couple misplaced commas and other punctuation mistakes throughout everything as I read, as well. I don't think I should sit there and point out every single one, but like I said, rereading and reading aloud should help.

I went to meet my friends in town had a little party but wait, what am I talking about this isn't my personal diary, its erotica .To the point - My sister.

Another run-on sentence, and another one that really doesn't help the story. You don't need to tell us this is erotica. We know where we are. And maybe it's not his personal diary, but we do actually care about characterization and background. Why should we care about this guy? Who is he? So far, I don't know and I don't care.

"So you are a virgin?" Oops did I go too far.

"Is that a question to ask your sister, but yes I am a virgin."

What? That came out every kind of awkward and just... weird. Vampire or not, people just don't talk like this. It's not relatable and it's not realistic. It doesn't follow any thread of logic, it's just WHAM, there's the information.

The rest of this reads like a bad jumble of cliches and awkward, misplaced dialogue. I'm having a hard time following any of it. I don't know what either of these people look like, I don't know who they are, I don't know why I want to read about them. I don't know what bearing him being a vampire has on this story. Why even add it? For two minutes of biting?

I don't really have a definitive way that you could re-do this story. My only advice, I suppose, would be to read other people's work. Books, tons and tons of books. If you don't support incest and you don't like it, then don't write it. Write something that YOU can relate to, not something that you think will drag in good reviews. MAKE people feel something, not just for the situation but for your characters. MAKE them care about your story. Write something that drags people in.

You've got the potential, but you need a lot of practice. Keep at it.

 

[EquinoxRising]

Link to Chatper One

 

[Asbel]

Link to Chatper One

That also helps. I had to google the author and find it myself.

 

[EquinoxRising]

Well, Google wouldn't have been needed. Simply copy/paste the author's name, go to the story side of Lit, and under "Search Members" paste the name.

 

[Asbel]

I'm terribly inadept at navigating this website. Such is my crux.

 

[EquinoxRising]

I'm terribly inadept at navigating this website. Such is my crux.

No prob.

 

[Asbel]

So what did YOU think of OP's story?

 

[EquinoxRising]

I couldn't finish it. The tense change and errors were distracting.

 

[Rarans]

Link to story

https://www.literotica.com/s/my-sisters-blood-ch-01

 

[Hard_Rom]

I couldn't finish it. The tense change and errors were distracting.

How did it get past the submission editor? I found them to be real grammar Nazis and had all my stories rejected until I reworked the grammar.

Pick up a vampire book and see how the author uses commas, quotation marks and such.

Too much 'thoughts going through your head' is confusing. How you think and how you speak and read or at least should speak and read are different.

Small descriptions set scenes. Readers must be able to visualize your scenes not just imagine listening to a conversation in your head or with another.

If your paragraphs and grammar does not 'look' like a pros, you're in trouble. You can get away with being less descriptive and even have a poor plot, if it is written well grammatically.

 

[Lady_Sith]

Honestly, the syntax errors, the grammar errors, the spelling errors, and the tense shifts back and forth made it possible for me to only read the first chapter. I'm not a grammar nazi, but DAYUM!!! If I may suggest a total rewrite and then use an editor that knows what he's doing. Not trying to be harsh, but thats some of the not very goodest writing I've read on here...

 

[EquinoxRising]

How did it get past the submission editor? I found them to be real grammar Nazis and had all my stories rejected until I reworked the grammar.

Pick up a vampire book and see how the author uses commas, quotation marks and such.

Too much 'thoughts going through your head' is confusing. How you think and how you speak and read or at least should speak and read are different.

Small descriptions set scenes. Readers must be able to visualize your scenes not just imagine listening to a conversation in your head or with another.

If your paragraphs and grammar does not 'look' like a pros, you're in trouble. You can get away with being less descriptive and even have a poor plot, if it is written well grammatically.

I have no idea.