How do I get him to try the strap on ?

I have been dating this guy for a couple of years. He's a bit younger than me. Our relationship is a good one, most of the time. He's bisexual, and sort of new to it. I was strictly into girls before I met him. I guess I'm bi too. Anyhow, I have a fantasy which I'd like to see realized but I dont know how to approach him about it. I want to use a strap-on dildo on him and then I want him to make ROUGH love to me. Unfortunately, he's not very kinky, he's borderline sexually conservative and I am almost ALWAYS the one to initiate sex.


How do we get past these barriers ?

Hog tie 'em, lube 'em up and slam it in good.

Okay, seriously- you try talking to him? Outside the bedroom in a neutural environment?

PredatorSmile said:

Unfortunately, he's not very kinky, he's borderline sexually conservative and I am almost ALWAYS the one to initiate sex.

How do we get past these barriers ?

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Excellent advice from Hecate may be found by scrolling down to post #979 on this page:

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=39661&page=40&pp=25

Alice

don't know if it helps, but if it was me all you would have to do is ask. but then its somethign I'd very much like to try.

seriously, talk to him about it. and he might be more open to it if you work up slowly, instead of jsut going for it with something as big or bigger than him.

alice_underneath said:

Excellent advice from Hecate may be found by scrolling down to post #979 on this page:

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=39661&page=40&pp=25

Alice

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That is actually an excellent post by Hecate!

Hog-tie a 6'4, 235-pound dude ? Do I look like Xena to you ? Seriously,
I'm not sure how to ask him. He's not into anal play, at least, he doesn't like tongues or fingers or anything else anywhere near his bottom. He seems to have no problem entering other people's ( me, of course) bottoms.
He's anal alright, but a giver, not a taker. I'm both a giver and a taker. After taking, I like to give. It's only fair in my mind but being a guy, he's not gonna see it my way.

PredatorSmile said:

Unfortunately, he's not very kinky, he's borderline sexually conservative

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PredatorSmile said:

He's not into anal play, at least, he doesn't like tongues or fingers or anything else anywhere near his bottom. He seems to have no problem entering other people's ( me, of course) bottoms.
He's anal alright, but a giver, not a taker. I'm both a giver and a taker. After taking, I like to give. It's only fair in my mind but being a guy, he's not gonna see it my way.

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I understand your frustration, PredatorSmile. However, I fail to see how your partner is being unfair.

On a different thread yesterday, Mr. Rathbone described himself as an enthusiastic receiver, but never a performer, of oral sex. Because I was in a silly mood, I teased him in response. But my candid opinion is as follows.

Mr. Rathbone's aversion to performing oral sex does not make him "unfair". It just makes him a poor choice as a sexual partner for someone who desperately wants to receive pleasure in this way. (That is a non-judgmental statement of the obvious, not a pejorative remark.)

What is unfair, in my opinion, is criticism of your partner's proclivities because they do not match your own.

An extract from the post by Hecate which I referenced earlier:

Hecate said:

Why do we think the other part of “us” should change if we ourselves can’t? Why do we think they may be happy doing things they don’t feel like doing? Why do we think we have the right to ask them to change at all?

How come I hardly ever see someone ask: My partner is into BDSM – how do I get him/her to turn into a “vanilla” lover and enjoy it? How would we answer that? “You can’t! It is part of what he/she is and part of the person you love!”

So – why do we think we may ask our partners to change? Because we are “special”, different, the odd-balls, the freaks and maybe our partners are like us, right? They just don’t know it yet? And once they tried we are sure they will like it ! Crap – they are as aware and wise as each of us (at least we should give them the benefit of doubt) to know who and what they are.

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Good questions, in my opinion.

Alice

P.S. to Andante - thanks.

PredatorSmile said:

Hog-tie a 6'4, 235-pound dude ? Do I look like Xena to you ? Seriously,
I'm not sure how to ask him. He's not into anal play, at least, he doesn't like tongues or fingers or anything else anywhere near his bottom. He seems to have no problem entering other people's ( me, of course) bottoms.
He's anal alright, but a giver, not a taker. I'm both a giver and a taker. After taking, I like to give. It's only fair in my mind but being a guy, he's not gonna see it my way.

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But you still haven't asked him, or told him how important it is to you, have you?

Well, to be honest, I'm not that good at these things. I'm not sure how to ask. I'd love for it to happen this way : I come home, he's there, naked and smiling. We kiss, and then I get the equipment and for once, I get to give him pleasure and he gets to receive. I get to be active and he gets to be passive. It's something I'd like to try at least once before I die.
I'm pretty sure that he doesn't know that I like this. Another fantasy of mine is bisexual threesomes. My man is bisexual but he doesn't seem to like threesomes. I do.

We were watching a bi-video where there was two guys and a girl. The first guy penetrated the girl and then he did the other guy. Then, both guys were doing the girl at once. Finally, the girl used a strap-on on one of the guys while the other watched. I thought the video was hot and so did my guy, but when I asked him about the strap-on scene, he just shrugged. I think that many guys, even bisexual guys, dont like to be penetrated.
Especially by a woman.


It's not a power trip of mine. It doesn't mean that he suddenly becomes my bitch or something. I'd still love and respect him. It's just a kink of mine, that's all. I want to try it ONCE. I have learned to anticipate his needs. Whenever he wants to do it, I'm down with it and ready to go. I've let him penetrate me anally. I just wish he would get all the hints I've been dropping him and try something new with me. I'm gonna try asking him some time this weekend. Who knows ? Maybe it'll be something we'll both enjoy.

Go down on him and slowly go lower with your hands and fingers until you eventually peritrate his rear. There should be no objection and if there is just tell him to relax and enjoy the ride with one then two fingers. Have the lube ready when you do this and maybe a small dildo. If you are really brave have a strap-on near by and have it ready just in case you make it that far. If not there is always next time.

Just wondering, but is the fact that you like to "take it, then give it afterwards" a remnant of your previous girl-girl relationships? If so, maybe tell him that this is something that you are used to and that you really enjoyed and see if he would be interested in trying. If he doesn't like it, it isn't the end of the world for him, he just won't do it again.

The idea that "most" men do not like to receive anal play is a semi-truth in my opinion. In reality, I think that most men WOULD like receiving anal if they would get over their mental block that it is taboo for men to be penetrated and just "enjoy the ride".

I think the key here is that you need to communicate your desires to him and not let him just shrug and take that as your answer. I'm not saying to break out th interrogation lamp, but ask follow up questions. Liek when you asked about the strapon scene in the movie and he shruged, you had the opportunity to say "well, I thought it was really sexy. How would you feel about trying it for ourselves one day?"

Of course, him being bi, I'm guessing that he probably already know if he likes it. So just ask. It is no different that a guy asking you if you like anal.

One thing that worries me is that he might not be into it. What if he doesn't like it ? He doesn't have to but it would really make me happy if he did. I'm the kind of gal who, when I love somebody, I would do anything for them. He's changed me so much. I'd like to think I changed him somewhat to. Before I met him, I wouldn't go down on any male and also I would sure as hell wouldn't allow one to penetrate me in any way. Yet, I let him do it. Because I love him and enjoy making love with him. I dont put any barriers between us sexually. I'm a real giver when it comes to love and sex, even if I get hurt sometimes. When I give and give and someone takes and takes but doesn't give back when requested, it sort of, kinda, REALLY ticks me off. Now, I'm not going to yell or say anything but it's gonna make me angry, then sad. I lie next to him at night and look at his bottom, and almost salivate. He's got a perfect ass that I long to play with. Apparently, it's okay for him to do whatever he wants to mine but I can't do more than pat his. Why ? I respect boundaries, everyone has them. I don't. Not really. I'll do just about anything for someone I love but....if he has boundaries, I will have to raise some too.

PredatorSmile said:

One thing that worries me is that he might not be into it. What if he doesn't like it ? He doesn't have to but it would really make me happy if he did. I'm the kind of gal who, when I love somebody, I would do anything for them. He's changed me so much. I'd like to think I changed him somewhat to. Before I met him, I wouldn't go down on any male and also I would sure as hell wouldn't allow one to penetrate me in any way. Yet, I let him do it. Because I love him and enjoy making love with him. I dont put any barriers between us sexually. I'm a real giver when it comes to love and sex, even if I get hurt sometimes. When I give and give and someone takes and takes but doesn't give back when requested, it sort of, kinda, REALLY ticks me off. Now, I'm not going to yell or say anything but it's gonna make me angry, then sad. I lie next to him at night and look at his bottom, and almost salivate. He's got a perfect ass that I long to play with. Apparently, it's okay for him to do whatever he wants to mine but I can't do more than pat his. Why ? I respect boundaries, everyone has them. I don't. Not really. I'll do just about anything for someone I love but....if he has boundaries, I will have to raise some too.

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So what you are saying is that you expect him to happily submit to your unspoken desires which he has no knowledge of, because they are such a huge part of you and such a very important *NEED* for you... so very central to your fulfilment... that you have chosen to never express them in a mature non-confrontational way.

So instead of getting over your own hang-ups of communicating your desires you are feeding a simmering resentment and blaming HIM for not reading your mind because you are "not good at these things" and "not sure how to ask."

If you *need* anal penetration to feel fulfilled in the relationship then you *need* to be mature enough to openly discuss it rather than get pissed off at your boyfriend for not reading your mind.

*curious* said:

So what you are saying is that you expect him to happily submit to your unspoken desires which he has no knowledge of, because they are such a huge part of you and such a very important *NEED* for you... so very central to your fulfilment... that you have chosen to never express them in a mature non-confrontational way.

So instead of getting over your own hang-ups of communicating your desires you are feeding a simmering resentment and blaming HIM for not reading your mind because you are "not good at these things" and "not sure how to ask."

If you *need* anal penetration to feel fulfilled in the relationship then you *need* to be mature enough to openly discuss it rather than get pissed off at your boyfriend for not reading your mind.

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Bravo.

Curious has hit the proverbial nail on the head. If you can't verbalize it, write it down. Find a story with a woman penetrating a male and send it to him with a "I would love to try this with you, it makes me so hot just thinking about it" kind of note. Ask him for his reaction after a day or two so he has time to think about it.

If you can't communicate over something as mutual as sex, you're going to find other communication blocks. And those will slaughter a relationship.

PredatorSmile said:

I want to use a strap-on dildo on him and then I want him to make ROUGH love to me.

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Hm, this and tomboys too......I like the way your head works. Almost as if you (part of you) wanted to become a gay male--I'm fascinated by such things.

Carry on.

How about a bit of compromise, thus.

He wears the strap on and double penetrates you.

then swap, you have the strap on, whilst being penetrated by you, he gets to fuck you?

But personally, i have to be relaxed to enjoy anal. and if he's not gonna allow you to warm him up and lube him, you seem to have a snowballs chance.

my experience of turning a vanilla was basically, a waste of time. Followed by a 'you forced me' insult, after he'd been milked for a few hours though and had come spectacularly. That was when i got the hell out of the vanilla world for good.

i wish you luck

Funny.

Today after probing the unprobed spots of my "bull" with fingers swathed in a "black dragon" exam glove, I pulled him up onto me and had him fuck me in his usual timed and directed fashion (I whisper encouragements, "slow downs" and mmmm in his ear...)

I got this wild hare and I told him I wanted him to sometime pull me down to the floor, surprise me, overpower me, not ask questions, and just do it to me on the floor as hard as possible. This is not my usual MO as those who know me will attest, but it sure sounded good.

It sure sounded good for my "bull" mid-fuck too.

Whereas having this conversation in neutral quiet good communication channels would have not necessarily gone over badly I don't think it would have had the same impact or left the same erotic impression.

The upshot is that I'm still little miss giver of direction, I still had to out and say it aloud, (a bottom is a bottom is a bottom even if he is the bull/stud type) yet I'm quite likely to get nailed to my living room floor next week or the weeks after.

You may always have to give clear direction. That's what I'm saying.

PredatorSmile said:

Hog-tie a 6'4, 235-pound dude ? Do I look like Xena to you ? Seriously,
I'm not sure how to ask him. He's not into anal play, at least, he doesn't like tongues or fingers or anything else anywhere near his bottom. He seems to have no problem entering other people's ( me, of course) bottoms.
He's anal alright, but a giver, not a taker. I'm both a giver and a taker. After taking, I like to give. It's only fair in my mind but being a guy, he's not gonna see it my way.

Click to expand...

Well, if that's your attitude then good luck. You're gonna need it.

After reading your responses, I realize my mistake. I can't expect him to read my mind. I will talk to him about it. This weekend. This does matter to me. Verbal communication isn't my strong suit. I'm more into "show" rather than "tell". Anyhow, I appreciate your good advise. Thanks.

Besides the need to communicate what you want, you may just have to accept he doesn't want anal penetration period. I know alot of guys (gay/bi) who don't and won't - it's not their thing, doesn't turn them on, and considered a hard limit for them. It is also possible its a dominant thing and having a strapon used on him screams submission to him.

You can't always expect your partner to have the same fantasies, turn ons, and desires as your own. Sometimes you can negotiate towards meeting some kind of mutual ground on those but you have to accept if you can't.

We had the talk. He says no. His decision is final. He doesn't like the idea of anythin going anywhere near his a55. even when he had a male lover, he was a top. It's just how he is. There's no changing him. At all. I took a shot at it, what can I say ? Boundaries are erected and they're here to stay.

PredatorSmile said:

We had the talk. He says no. His decision is final. He doesn't like the idea of anythin going anywhere near his a55. even when he had a male lover, he was a top. It's just how he is. There's no changing him. At all. I took a shot at it, what can I say ? Boundaries are erected and they're here to stay.

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I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds rather strange to me. He is missing out on a lot of pleasure. Many straight guys are stupidly scared of ass play thinking it will "make" them gay. You wouldn't think a Bi guy would have such a problem.

Then again, I've seen many what I consider "short sighted" Tops or Doms say they'd never do it.

I mean no offense to anyone but WTF? Pleasure is pleasure and writing off something that can cause great pleasure is just plain sad.

*hugs* To you!

You tried at least.

My husband used to say there were things he would never do too. Some of which he has done but of course, he does it, at first anyway, to please me. Later he can admit that he likes it or likes my reaction to it if he wishes.

Fury

So many people think it "makes you gay" to have a strap-on shoved up your arse. Even my Ex, who was very liberal minded, used to say are you sure you're not gay...

I'm sorry, but when your prostate is messed around with like that, But if it had a been a bloke, or to be fair 99% of the female race, I wouldn't have enjoyed it. It was fun because it was scary, putting my arse in the hands of someone I trusted, plus made me cum for Britain!

Sbj.

FurryFury said:

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds rather strange to me. He is missing out on a lot of pleasure. Many straight guys are stupidly scared of ass play thinking it will "make" them gay. You wouldn't think a Bi guy would have such a problem.

Then again, I've seen many what I consider "short sighted" Tops or Doms say they'd never do it.

I mean no offense to anyone but WTF? Pleasure is pleasure and writing off something that can cause great pleasure is just plain sad.

*hugs* To you!

You tried at least.

My husband used to say there were things he would never do too. Some of which he has done but of course, he does it, at first anyway, to please me. Later he can admit that he likes it or likes my reaction to it if he wishes.

Fury

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Gracious, Fury. Bad day?

Social conditioning is a very powerful force. Individual proclivities are each person's right as a human being.

The fact that one person thinks a strap-on in the rear is great & no big deal does not mean that another should feel the same way.

The list of things discussed on this Board that I would refuse to do is very long indeed. Would you describe me as "stupidly scared" as well?

No one deserves disrespect solely on the basis of their sexual preferences. Neither the most adventurous nor the most conservative.... neither you, nor me, nor anybody else.

Just my opinion.

Alice

alice_underneath said:

Gracious, Fury. Bad day?

Social conditioning is a very powerful force. Individual proclivities are each person's right as a human being.

The fact that one person thinks a strap-on in the rear is great & no big deal does not mean that another should feel the same way.

The list of things discussed on this Board that I would refuse to do is very long indeed. Would you describe me as "stupidly scared" as well?

No one deserves disrespect solely on the basis of their sexual preferences. Neither the most adventurous nor the most conservative.... neither you, nor me, nor anybody else.

Just my opinion.

Alice

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You may be right. I just hate it when people refuse to even consider something.

That's just sad to me. With anal in particular it is sad because there is so much pleasure to be had from it. It's really none of my business in this case but there ya go, that's how I feel about it.

I don't believe I sent any disrespect to anyone on purpose. Not anyone I know anyway. I just hate close mindedness in this area it simply rankles at me.

So apologies to anyone I may have offended or seemed to disrespect. I just hate to see lost opportunities for such wonderful sensations. I may even have a "hang up" about it. I tend to get passionate about certain things. This is clearly one of them. My bad.

It hasn't been the greatest day btw but that's not why I wrote that IMO.

Fury