Service Submission

[BiBunny]

Hey, everyone. I'm posting this thread, mostly because I have a lot of things I need to sort out in my mind before I have a talk with my Daddy about some stuff, and I thought maybe putting it down here would help me and perhaps someone else, too.

I am, first and foremost, a little. I've never really had much angst about that because it just is what it is, you know? But I'm also a service submissive, all the way down to my core, and it's something that's caused me a LOT of angst over the years. It's something I really wish I could change about myself, but I can't, not really. I am what I am, even if it does get me taken advantage of a lot.

I wish I could be the kind of person who gets off to kink sexually, and that's it. I would feel a lot more comfortable about who and what I am if that were the case. This, too, is why I don't get the question, "Why do you choose to be submissive?" Who the fuck would voluntarily choose this shit? (That's a rhetorical question, y'all. I understand that just because I have a good bit of self-loathing about this aspect of my personality, that doesn't mean that other people aren't ok with it within themselves.)

I know that little-ness and service submission don't seem to go together too well. We generally think of a little as someone who needs taking care of, and I do, sometimes. But most of the time, I'd rather be doing the caretaking. But it's not like I just want to go clean someone's house and be treated like an object, either. It's a little more complex than that.

My Daddy, on the other hand, is the most annoyingly, fiercely, stubbornly self-sufficient man I have ever met in my life. He is currently drowning in his responsibilities (and depression), but he absolutely refuses to ask for help. So I've offered it to keep him from having to ask. Many times. He claims he'll let me help "if he can think of anything I can do," but somehow, that never comes to fruition. And I'm left hurting because it hurts me to watch him struggle with things I know I could help with if he'd let me. I know he doesn't want to take advantage of me, but ffs, helping is what I'm here for. It also makes me feel useless and worthless to not be allowed to help.

For me, love, devotion, service, and worship are all tangled up into one rather complicated knot. With my psychopathic ex--who had absolutely no trouble taking advantage of my service submissive side, to the surprise of no one--I can remember just sitting in the floor and rubbing his feet and literally weeping from happiness because I was able to serve him in this way. Now, I wish Daddy would let me come over when he's exhausted and in pain and let me sit beside him and rub his back and feed him and tuck him into bed.

I think he thinks he has to perform for me, and when he's too tired--which is pretty much always--he doesn't want to see me because that would mean he has to entertain me. But nothing could be further from the truth. I don't need to be entertained. I just want him to just be and let me handle the rest when he's too tired to be "Daddy."

It's also partly the fact that he's probably never really encountered anyone like me, for whom, like I said, love, devotion, service, and worship are all kind of intertwined. His previous partners have all identified as brats. And--no offense intended to any self-identifying brats here because I know this isn't the case everywhere--around this area, "brat" tends to be shorthand for "loud-mouthed, unpleasant person who's somehow decided they like spankings."

Anyway, if it seems like I'm all over the place here, I am. I know I need to talk to him, and I have no idea how to approach it. I'm not even altogether sure it won't really freak him out.

So that's what's on my mind. I opened the thread less for advice, although I'll be happy to take it if anyone wants to offer it, and more as a place for other people to dump their own thoughts about service submission. So if anyone wants to post about it, please feel free.

 

[Broken_paladin]

Is your relationship with your daddy a 24/7 monogamous relationship? Have you discussed with him what you want longterm?

 

[BiBunny]

Is your relationship with your daddy a 24/7 monogamous relationship? Have you discussed with him what you want longterm?

No and no. That's why I know I need to talk to him. I'm just trying to get my thoughts together first, hence the thread.

 

[Broken_paladin]

You are a true submissive, thats rare, its in your core, you will probably only thrive in a situation that is 24/7 and co-inhabiting in my honest opinion

 

[IrisAlthea]

But I'm also a service submissive, all the way down to my core, and it's something that's caused me a LOT of angst over the years. It's something I really wish I could change about myself, but I can't, not really. I am what I am, even if it does get me taken advantage of a lot.

I wish I could be the kind of person who gets off to kink sexually, and that's it. I would feel a lot more comfortable about who and what I am if that were the case.

It’s interesting, because I’ve always thought of the service variety as more noble somehow.
(And in the back of my mind I can hear my old religion teacher from school whispering ” You protestants. All work and no play.” )

I know that little-ness and service submission don't seem to go together too well. We generally think of a little as someone who needs taking care of, and I do, sometimes. But most of the time, I'd rather be doing the caretaking. But it's not like I just want to go clean someone's house and be treated like an object, either. It's a little more complex than that.

People are complex. You may be a little, but also a caring friend and partner.

My Daddy, on the other hand, is the most annoyingly, fiercely, stubbornly self-sufficient man I have ever met in my life. He is currently drowning in his responsibilities (and depression), but he absolutely refuses to ask for help.

I can relate a lot to being self-sufficient and bad at asking for help.
Those that I do accept help from are usually those who genuinely want to be included by helping and also let me help when they need it.

 

[twister947]

"Those that I do accept help from are usually those who genuinely want to be included by helping and also let me help when they need it."

I was complaining to an ex gf about how much I hated being reliant on others in my dotage. She said, "David, let them have the blessing." Finally, I got it. The second revelation came when I realized paying it forward is just as meaningful as paying it back. Life is better, now.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Hey, everyone. I'm posting this thread, mostly because I have a lot of things I need to sort out in my mind before I have a talk with my Daddy about some stuff, and I thought maybe putting it down here would help me and perhaps someone else, too.

I am, first and foremost, a little. I've never really had much angst about that because it just is what it is, you know? But I'm also a service submissive, all the way down to my core, and it's something that's caused me a LOT of angst over the years. It's something I really wish I could change about myself, but I can't, not really. I am what I am, even if it does get me taken advantage of a lot.

I wish I could be the kind of person who gets off to kink sexually, and that's it. I would feel a lot more comfortable about who and what I am if that were the case. This, too, is why I don't get the question, "Why do you choose to be submissive?" Who the fuck would voluntarily choose this shit? (That's a rhetorical question, y'all. I understand that just because I have a good bit of self-loathing about this aspect of my personality, that doesn't mean that other people aren't ok with it within themselves.)

I know that little-ness and service submission don't seem to go together too well. We generally think of a little as someone who needs taking care of, and I do, sometimes. But most of the time, I'd rather be doing the caretaking. But it's not like I just want to go clean someone's house and be treated like an object, either. It's a little more complex than that.

My Daddy, on the other hand, is the most annoyingly, fiercely, stubbornly self-sufficient man I have ever met in my life. He is currently drowning in his responsibilities (and depression), but he absolutely refuses to ask for help. So I've offered it to keep him from having to ask. Many times. He claims he'll let me help "if he can think of anything I can do," but somehow, that never comes to fruition. And I'm left hurting because it hurts me to watch him struggle with things I know I could help with if he'd let me. I know he doesn't want to take advantage of me, but ffs, helping is what I'm here for. It also makes me feel useless and worthless to not be allowed to help.

For me, love, devotion, service, and worship are all tangled up into one rather complicated knot. With my psychopathic ex--who had absolutely no trouble taking advantage of my service submissive side, to the surprise of no one--I can remember just sitting in the floor and rubbing his feet and literally weeping from happiness because I was able to serve him in this way. Now, I wish Daddy would let me come over when he's exhausted and in pain and let me sit beside him and rub his back and feed him and tuck him into bed.

I think he thinks he has to perform for me, and when he's too tired--which is pretty much always--he doesn't want to see me because that would mean he has to entertain me. But nothing could be further from the truth. I don't need to be entertained. I just want him to just be and let me handle the rest when he's too tired to be "Daddy."

It's also partly the fact that he's probably never really encountered anyone like me, for whom, like I said, love, devotion, service, and worship are all kind of intertwined. His previous partners have all identified as brats. And--no offense intended to any self-identifying brats here because I know this isn't the case everywhere--around this area, "brat" tends to be shorthand for "loud-mouthed, unpleasant person who's somehow decided they like spankings."

Anyway, if it seems like I'm all over the place here, I am. I know I need to talk to him, and I have no idea how to approach it. I'm not even altogether sure it won't really freak him out.

So that's what's on my mind. I opened the thread less for advice, although I'll be happy to take it if anyone wants to offer it, and more as a place for other people to dump their own thoughts about service submission. So if anyone wants to post about it, please feel free.

I identify with so much of this. Good luck gathering your thoughts to talk to him.

It’s interesting, because I’ve always thought of the service variety as more noble somehow.
(And in the back of my mind I can hear my old religion teacher from school whispering ” You protestants. All work and no play.” )



People are complex. You may be a little, but also a caring friend and partner.



I can relate a lot to being self-sufficient and bad at asking for help.
Those that I do accept help from are usually those who genuinely want to be included by helping and also let me help when they need it.

I hate asking for help. I can’t do it and I always feel like I need to pay it back even more.

"Those that I do accept help from are usually those who genuinely want to be included by helping and also let me help when they need it."

I was complaining to an ex gf about how much I hated being reliant on others in my dotage. She said, "David, let them have the blessing." Finally, I got it. The second revelation came when I realized paying it forward is just as meaningful as paying it back. Life is better, now.

I completely understand that but I always feel as though I don’t deserve anyone’s help.

 

[cascadiabound]

I think I have a lot of the same traits.
I'm a sub, I have some little traits/tendencies, but I don't actually need or want a lot of tending. in fact if I got showered with attention, cuddles, love, gifts, etc etc, it might actually freak me out. Having attention by way of submissive tasks that are mutually arousing is a big plus. Also... like Bunny, I am not a brat (or at least hardly ever. It's easier and feels better to me to get the attention, funishment etc as part of a give and take dynamic without needing to be bratty to get a man to respond to me... no judgment on the littles who are bratty ~ just not the way I'm wired)
The service component is super important to me...if I can't help and be allowed to help I get very unhappy. I need and want a job to do, I want/need to make my D happy, more comfortable, easier life in large and small ways. I might need to blame protestant work ethic for some of this too.
Bunny... Idk if my ramblings will help you sort, but I wish you all success in having conversations with your Daddy.

 

[Volunteer_]

Putting myself in his shoes (and I have been quite closely in the past), I’d suggest a letter, perhaps with some detailed examples and how it would make you feel to be doing those things. He may need to really get into the detail of it to understand that it’s something you really want and he hasn’t got to “act” with it. I suggest a letter because it then gives him time to absorb it and ask questions thereafter and is perhaps less intense with everything else he has going on. Hope that’s helpful!

 

[ultramarineblue]

I think the idea of a letter or email might be good. BiBunny, while you may feel that you rambled, I didn’t see it that way. I saw it more as a full explanation. For me, my biggest fear would be not being able to come to a better solution after sending that message.

 

[BiBunny]

Hey, guys. I apologize for posting and immediately neglecting the thread. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday out of town, and it took me all day to get to it and get back home. (But I learned I lost 20 pounds since May by doing absolutely jack shit, which was a pleasant surprise!)

I think y'all are right about the letter idea. When I get my shit together a little better, I'm going to ask him if he minds if I send him an email, and go from there.

Anyway, like I said earlier, I don't mean for this thread to be just about me and my issues, so if anyone wants to just discuss the concept of service submission in general, that would be awesome.

 

[emme8]

BiBunny I think your daddy just isn't sure how to handle someone as awesome as you.
Please let him know in your email exactly what you need. It might be ok to include several a scenarios that that's your ideal date. Describing what they would do for dinner, after dinner, the music they enjoy listening too, the roles they enjoy playing, and how they want daddy to act.

Something like I want to come over to your house with wings to watch football. While I'm there I hope to give you a great massage. If you fall asleep during the massage great, Im glad that I can help you get sleep. If you don't, I will tuck you into bed and give you a great blow job as you drift off to sleep. I'll lock the doors on my way out.

That would be great for me... providing they were written not as a script I was expected to fulfill, but as a way of letting me know what they need/want.

In my house the discussion seems to go
Me: tell me what you might like today
Him: to serve you
Me: How
Him: anything way you want
Me: of course you're not going to do anything unless I I want it but I'm feeling in a rut and I know there's a fantasy of yours I could play with
Him: I don't want you to do anything you aren't ready for, I don't want to top from the bottom, I don't want to pressure you.
Me: give me something to work with here
Him: I just want to please you I'll do anything
Me: apparently anything but telling me your fantasy

 

[Volunteer_]

Hey, guys. I apologize for posting and immediately neglecting the thread. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday out of town, and it took me all day to get to it and get back home. (But I learned I lost 20 pounds since May by doing absolutely jack shit, which was a pleasant surprise!)

I think y'all are right about the letter idea. When I get my shit together a little better, I'm going to ask him if he minds if I send him an email, and go from there.

Anyway, like I said earlier, I don't mean for this thread to be just about me and my issues, so if anyone wants to just discuss the concept of service submission in general, that would be awesome.

Congrats on the medically-related diet (kidding). Hope you’re doing okay.

This was going to be something I asked about.. what does service submission look like for you? I’d be curious to understand it in terms of specific tasks or periods of time and what that looks like for you. I certainly feel as though I’ve had that type of submission in my life but it’s different for everyone and you seem to have specific needs.

 

[BiBunny]

Congrats on the medically-related diet (kidding). Hope you’re doing okay.

This was going to be something I asked about.. what does service submission look like for you? I’d be curious to understand it in terms of specific tasks or periods of time and what that looks like for you. I certainly feel as though I’ve had that type of submission in my life but it’s different for everyone and you seem to have specific needs.

That's a good question. How much time do you have?

For real, though, a lot of it depends on the other person and what they're comfortable with. But what I enjoy most is personal service, like bathing the other person in the shower, rubbing their (insert aching body part here), brushing their hair (works better when it's a person with longer hair, obviously--my Daddy keeps his shaved), etc. I also like to do things like bring them coffee or whatever. I'm not a great cook, so I would rather go pick up a pizza or something than cook, but I am capable of keeping my partner and myself from starving to death with my cooking skills, so there's that. I will also clean house if necessary. And then, I can help with things like organization, work, and so forth.

So basically, anything you can imagine. I draw the line at yard work, though. Fuck that shit.

 

[Volunteer_]

That's a good question. How much time do you have?

For real, though, a lot of it depends on the other person and what they're comfortable with. But what I enjoy most is personal service, like bathing the other person in the shower, rubbing their (insert aching body part here), brushing their hair (works better when it's a person with longer hair, obviously--my Daddy keeps his shaved), etc. I also like to do things like bring them coffee or whatever. I'm not a great cook, so I would rather go pick up a pizza or something than cook, but I am capable of keeping my partner and myself from starving to death with my cooking skills, so there's that. I will also clean house if necessary. And then, I can help with things like organization, work, and so forth.

So basically, anything you can imagine. I draw the line at yard work, though. Fuck that shit.

I have all day, for a topic like this which is so close to my drivers but sometimes hard to get under the hood of with others!

So do you feel based on those examples and therefore what you like, that you’re more driven by satisfying whatever they want (referenced at the start of your second para) or by those demonstrations of care?

Going back to the original topic, that could be a key question in however you approach your Daddy.

 

[BiBunny]

I have all day, for a topic like this which is so close to my drivers but sometimes hard to get under the hood of with others!

So do you feel based on those examples and therefore what you like, that you’re more driven by satisfying whatever they want (referenced at the start of your second para) or by those demonstrations of care?

Going back to the original topic, that could be a key question in however you approach your Daddy.

I'd say I'm more driven by doing what the other person wants. I enjoy doing the things I listed, but I wouldn't push them on someone who wasn't interested. If it turns out Daddy's not interested, I'll bite my tongue and try not to worry so much about seeing him struggle with things I know I could help with. Even if it's really, really hard!

 

[Volunteer_]

I'd say I'm more driven by doing what the other person wants. I enjoy doing the things I listed, but I wouldn't push them on someone who wasn't interested. If it turns out Daddy's not interested, I'll bite my tongue and try not to worry so much about seeing him struggle with things I know I could help with. Even if it's really, really hard!

I really hope he is interested, you’ll have to let us know!

 

[BiBunny]

I really hope he is interested, you’ll have to let us know!

Thank you, I will!

His dad is having surgery next week, so I'm gonna let that happen first. After his dad is doing better, post-surgery, I'll talk to him and report back, lol.

 

[Volunteer_]

Thank you, I will!

His dad is having surgery next week, so I'm gonna let that happen first. After his dad is doing better, post-surgery, I'll talk to him and report back, lol.

Sounds like a plan, I’ll wait with barely-contained excitement lol

 

[cascadiabound]

Thank you, I will!

His dad is having surgery next week, so I'm gonna let that happen first. After his dad is doing better, post-surgery, I'll talk to him and report back, lol.

Good plan.
Also... I think you know I'd be happy to chat by PM anytime too.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I hope everything goes well with the surgery and with your conversation.

 

[Somethingdifferent74]

Hey, everyone. I'm posting this thread, mostly because I have a lot of things I need to sort out in my mind before I have a talk with my Daddy about some stuff, and I thought maybe putting it down here would help me and perhaps someone else, too.

I am, first and foremost, a little. I've never really had much angst about that because it just is what it is, you know? But I'm also a service submissive, all the way down to my core, and it's something that's caused me a LOT of angst over the years. It's something I really wish I could change about myself, but I can't, not really. I am what I am, even if it does get me taken advantage of a lot.

I wish I could be the kind of person who gets off to kink sexually, and that's it. I would feel a lot more comfortable about who and what I am if that were the case. This, too, is why I don't get the question, "Why do you choose to be submissive?" Who the fuck would voluntarily choose this shit? (That's a rhetorical question, y'all. I understand that just because I have a good bit of self-loathing about this aspect of my personality, that doesn't mean that other people aren't ok with it within themselves.)

I know that little-ness and service submission don't seem to go together too well. We generally think of a little as someone who needs taking care of, and I do, sometimes. But most of the time, I'd rather be doing the caretaking. But it's not like I just want to go clean someone's house and be treated like an object, either. It's a little more complex than that.

My Daddy, on the other hand, is the most annoyingly, fiercely, stubbornly self-sufficient man I have ever met in my life. He is currently drowning in his responsibilities (and depression), but he absolutely refuses to ask for help. So I've offered it to keep him from having to ask. Many times. He claims he'll let me help "if he can think of anything I can do," but somehow, that never comes to fruition. And I'm left hurting because it hurts me to watch him struggle with things I know I could help with if he'd let me. I know he doesn't want to take advantage of me, but ffs, helping is what I'm here for. It also makes me feel useless and worthless to not be allowed to help.

For me, love, devotion, service, and worship are all tangled up into one rather complicated knot. With my psychopathic ex--who had absolutely no trouble taking advantage of my service submissive side, to the surprise of no one--I can remember just sitting in the floor and rubbing his feet and literally weeping from happiness because I was able to serve him in this way. Now, I wish Daddy would let me come over when he's exhausted and in pain and let me sit beside him and rub his back and feed him and tuck him into bed.

I think he thinks he has to perform for me, and when he's too tired--which is pretty much always--he doesn't want to see me because that would mean he has to entertain me. But nothing could be further from the truth. I don't need to be entertained. I just want him to just be and let me handle the rest when he's too tired to be "Daddy."

It's also partly the fact that he's probably never really encountered anyone like me, for whom, like I said, love, devotion, service, and worship are all kind of intertwined. His previous partners have all identified as brats. And--no offense intended to any self-identifying brats here because I know this isn't the case everywhere--around this area, "brat" tends to be shorthand for "loud-mouthed, unpleasant person who's somehow decided they like spankings."

Anyway, if it seems like I'm all over the place here, I am. I know I need to talk to him, and I have no idea how to approach it. I'm not even altogether sure it won't really freak him out.

So that's what's on my mind. I opened the thread less for advice, although I'll be happy to take it if anyone wants to offer it, and more as a place for other people to dump their own thoughts about service submission. So if anyone wants to post about it, please feel free.

1st and foremost I haven't read any previous post so if I am repeating my apologies...

Often people don't want to "ask" for help. (For whatever reason). Even "Dom" (they got this they have broad enough shoulders). If you know you can do something that will help to do whatever it is then perhaps doing it without asking if you can.

I also admit I read most of the original post but can answer effectively. Some want help but don't know how to ask or know what they want or maybe even secretly expect the help to just show up. There's a saying "if you ask for it then it's to be expected, if you don't ask for it then you get the unexpected". Not sure who said it but makes sense. If you think about it. It ties into the thought of "giving flowers to say your sorry holds little value when you give flowers for no reason". Maybe that will help.

I wish you luck.

 

[firmbutgentle]

First, I hope the surgery went well.

Second, as a dom who's put partners through exactly this kind of stress in the past, I can tell you that he's probably going overboard on self-sufficiency as a way to deal with insecurities or fears. If you can figure out what those are, you might be able to really help. But that's not easy, especially with your Daddy,

Failing that, two possible strategies:

• Make it very clear that your instinct to serve is not coming from doubts about his abilities or capacity, but about your innate needs. Present it as a request to allow you to do something you enjoy, rather than an offer to help him, or frame it as the "performance" you need from him.
• Start really small. Something like fetching things so he doesn't have to get up, or cleaning the table after meals. Things you clearly know he can do, but that aren't worth his time.

Finally, again from experience, I can tell you that what he's doing is self-destructive. The cycle of stress, depression and self-blame is a nasty feedback loop and it can be dangerous to get to near it. Protect yourself. I don't know if there's anyway to suggest it, but he needs therapy. He's got to stop that for his own health and well-being, and he most likely can't do it without help. I know I couldn't, and it took the collapse of a good relationship for me to get that through my head. I hope it works out better for you.

Best of luck.

 

[BiBunny]

First, I hope the surgery went well.

Second, as a dom who's put partners through exactly this kind of stress in the past, I can tell you that he's probably going overboard on self-sufficiency as a way to deal with insecurities or fears. If you can figure out what those are, you might be able to really help. But that's not easy, especially with your Daddy,

Failing that, two possible strategies:

• Make it very clear that your instinct to serve is not coming from doubts about his abilities or capacity, but about your innate needs. Present it as a request to allow you to do something you enjoy, rather than an offer to help him, or frame it as the "performance" you need from him.
• Start really small. Something like fetching things so he doesn't have to get up, or cleaning the table after meals. Things you clearly know he can do, but that aren't worth his time.

Finally, again from experience, I can tell you that what he's doing is self-destructive. The cycle of stress, depression and self-blame is a nasty feedback loop and it can be dangerous to get to near it. Protect yourself. I don't know if there's anyway to suggest it, but he needs therapy. He's got to stop that for his own health and well-being, and he most likely can't do it without help. I know I couldn't, and it took the collapse of a good relationship for me to get that through my head. I hope it works out better for you.

Best of luck.

Thank you so much. This is very helpful. You have no idea how much.

Also, you're absolutely correct that the poor man needs therapy--a LOT--but he's like me. He's in no financial position to be able to get it right now. I'll do all I can to help and also protect myself at the same time.

Thank you again.

ETA: Yes, surgery went well. Thank you for asking!

 

[DeepAchingNeed]

I love that you are so open and willing and truly seeking to be helpful as well as to grow and evolve within this relationship and with this person that means so much to you.
There are a million and a half things that could be suggested or recommended, any number of which might prove useful and beneficial to you both. In complete truth, however, you have to go within and see the truth and potential solution as it would exist specifically for the two of you.
What I DO know for certain, that also happens to translate in to ALL areas and relationships in life, is that being open, honest, and willing is the foundation for success in relationships... Sure, superficially there are a host of tools and skills and techniques... even with those expertly applied and engaged, if you are not being 100% who and what each of you are - openly and unabashedly with one another- there will always be some separation and sense of mask wearing and a performative foundation rather that the simplicity and beauty in being You. In such a place, we never know what is safe or acceptable, because we are trying to live up to expectations and demands that are outside of us. When we are allowed to simply BE (Human Being, not Human Doing) and exist, as we are, with an awareness and commitment to what we seek to continue to become, there is no fear of failure or being imperfect. As long as you are genuinely present with one another, are committed to one another (and the entity that is the US that you are both co-creating), and are open and able to COMMUNICATE effectively, honestly, and attentively (BOTH of you) there is no way that you cannot progress amazingly. And should it prove to be contrary, it simply may indicate that your season is over with this person.
There is no version of being fully alive and thriving that hides or is kept secret from those we claim to love and want as a part of our world. You are the one that is with you 24/7 in the most intimate and profound ways. Tackling things from within will ALWAYS yield amazing results in the world around us. If we recognize the Truth that we are not getting rescued or fixed by anyone or anything outside of us- it creates the most luscious shift and opportunity.
Remember that any form of comparison or expectation is already placing you in a position where you are judging yourself against people that are not you. While we are all the same in a innumerable ways, our exact reality and experience is ours and ours alone. Anything from outside of you that you seek to resolve matters within you will fall short.
As for your therapeutic needs and desires, there are not only "traditional" therapists that offer sliding scale services, there are kink aware ones too. (Yes, kink CAN BE perfectly and wonderfully healthy!) ALL forms of intimacy begin in the mind, the heart, the spirit... the physical is the last to the party!
Wishing you both all the best!