My Transgender Awakening

yevkassem72 said:

I just want you to know that I think that it is a beautiful thing and I find transgender women to be very lovely as well. I applaud your courage in pursuing your dream of becoming physically a woman when you clearly feel like a woman inside. You should seek what makes you happy.

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Maybe I am lost but how in the world can someone possibly became a woman physically when they were born a male?

MyFriend27 said:

Maybe I am lost but how in the world can someone possibly became a woman physically when they were born a male?

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Hello MyFriend27,
It is true one cannot possibly become fully a woman physically but with hormones and Sexual reassignment surgery one can come close in case this is a serious question. The hormones produce secondary sexual attributes in the body so it is much like going through puberty.

But GiVenus, why does any of that matter? Why even care? why not just be yourself?

MyFriend27 said:

But GiVenus, why does any of that matter? Why even care? why not just be yourself?

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Basically I have the brain of a woman and I have a male body I hate, I tried living as a male and it was not me.... Changing is being myself. I like not being ruled by inappropriate lusts or thoughts. I like not having oily skin. I like being less hairy, softer and having a womans shape.

*Smile* why not have a body that matches who I am spiritually?

Many people will disagree with you on what

Defines a female. You mention numerous stereotypes with your posts.

MyFriend27 said:

Defines a female. You mention numerous stereotypes with your posts.

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I know me....that is enough, you can call me pretentious but if you truly knew me you would not be bringing up these points... My use of stereotyping was to make a point not to define myself. Sorry if I offended you.

MyFriend27 said:

But GiVenus, why does any of that matter? Why even care? why not just be yourself?

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If being yourself means FINALLY matching your outside to your inside, then why would you question it. Why should she live her life in conflict (not just her own conflict but the majority from the outside world)? Basically she is being herself which means the only answer is transitioning. Not everyone has the option of "staying behind closed doors" and staying sane somehow.

~kierae

Last night had a session with my therapist, I started full of anxiety and dread not wanting to talk about anything, a hide under the bed mentallity. My therapist is gentle which is what I need, I do enough confrontation with myself...sigh! But my therapist does say disconcerning things such as that everything I know is false because of my acculterization, sexual imprinting begins at the age of three....so I everything I have learned is from that point on, throw it all away! Definitions, perceptions and thoughts all tied to the male persona I learned to be....(ick...did not like him/me...fake!) So casting all aside it is relearning of ones true self through the basic feelings, studying feelings, immersing oneself in them. These will be the flags and indications of self...as long as I am honest in my self appraisal.....if not...it is lost....wandering in a world with no anchors of reality...eep! A disconcerning thought, with no reality life becomes a dream or more likely a nightmare.

My therapist also emphasized the importance of staying true to oneself and ones vision of self beauty...not physical...but to focus on the postive aspects of self and not let the judgments and disapproval distort you from your light. People will judge and disapprove it is inevitable in paths like mine.

I am temporarily off of my antiandrogens, I am fearful of my body producing testosterone while I am waiting for my shipment of meds.....the therapist says that the estrogen itself is an antiandrogen....that I will be okay.. I hope he is right....sigh!
Gianna

Hang tight, kiddo. You're doing great!

I wanted to say I truly am proud of you. As a crossdresser, and someone who's slightly disphoric myself, I think you're a far stronger person than I. I don't know if I could go through the things you're going through... to be strong enough to take the steps to seize what I truly want in spite of the termoil it may cause.

You truly are an inspiration.

-- Scott / Sara

stlpenguin said:

Hang tight, kiddo. You're doing great!

I wanted to say I truly am proud of you. As a crossdresser, and someone who's slightly disphoric myself, I think you're a far stronger person than I. I don't know if I could go through the things you're going through... to be strong enough to take the steps to seize what I truly want in spite of the termoil it may cause.

You truly are an inspiration.

-- Scott / Sara

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Hi Scott/Sara, *hug* I do not see myself as strong but compelled.....going back to what I have been is intolerable....not that I was a bad person....but it was an uneasy existence. I am trying to do it quietly as possible for instance, I do not dress up, I still live as a male although the differences are becoming more obvious my hair is long, my body is giving me away......I am uncertain how my mother will take it. I need to create my own space so that I can be myself. Ever I have pushed at her perception of me....now she is old....smile...I do not want to push her too hard. But to be myself is all I am seeking to do....there is no shame in it. But I have a young son to deal with too.....not sure how that will go.

Kierae said:

If being yourself means FINALLY matching your outside to your inside, then why would you question it. Why should she live her life in conflict (not just her own conflict but the majority from the outside world)? Basically she is being herself which means the only answer is transitioning. Not everyone has the option of "staying behind closed doors" and staying sane somehow.

~kierae

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exactly, staying secret is to court insanity.....thank you kierae

Kierae said:

If being yourself means FINALLY matching your outside to your inside, then why would you question it. Why should she live her life in conflict (not just her own conflict but the majority from the outside world)? Basically she is being herself which means the only answer is transitioning. Not everyone has the option of "staying behind closed doors" and staying sane somehow.

~kierae

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I always found the notion a little fuzzy; that one would need to change who they are, in order to be themselves.

KABUKISTAR said:

I always found the notion a little fuzzy; that one would need to change who they are, in order to be themselves.

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Try to picture this; (I am assuming you are a male) What if, for some reason you had been forced to wear girls clothing and only participate with girls since childhood. Inside you know you really wish to play with the boys and do boy things but you are not allowed. In essence, you are being forced to be something/someone you are not. Imagine the lifetime of frustration and internal pressure you would have faced. Then, one day you say to yourself and to all others, "Enough!"

That is what transgendered people have faced and are facing. Add to this nightmare that the very body that they live in is also associated with the wrong gender! It's not that they are changing "who they are", it is that they are throwing off the external lie (including the body) in order to be who they are.
I know this is a simple picture and explanation, but hope it helps you to understand.

smile....I am not normally an exhibitionist. but these are Gi's

Gi_Venus said:

smile....I am not normally an exhibitionist. but these are Gi's

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DAMMIT....you were born in the mid-'50's and those are your boobs?!?!?! I so hate you...hugs you! They are....perfect!

poppy1963 said:

DAMMIT....you were born in the mid-'50's and those are your boobs?!?!?! I so hate you...hugs you! They are....perfect!

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laughing..... thank you Poppy...they are new after all....give em time.

One thing I have been surprised about is the amount of my gender Dysphoria. I really did not realize how much I disliked being male until I started on hormones and antiandrogens. Cessation of erections became a celebration, 2 months since I had an erection.....6 months....... a year. I had a nightmare of having an erection, I woke up in a panic and felt down there......no...all is quiet....whew!

When I started all this I was pretty hirsuite. Gradually my hair has been disappearing, my ex thought I was shaving my legs.....she got a little jealous when she found I was not.
The face is a problem.....that does not go away.....I shave mulitiple times a day to keep my face smooth. All "girls" who have been through all of this say the same thing.....get the electrolysis right away! I wish I had... I am going to put aside money for it in retrospect I would have done it first.
....sometimes I scrape my face raw....I really do hate it I feel selfconscious.

Another thing that is of concern of which I will never be able to do anything about is my voice....I can change inflection and intonation but because of my chest it will always sound deep....sigh. Because I sing, I would not risk the vocal chord surgery that can make ones voice higher. My facial construction is such that I may be able to pass without surgery...I do not have heavy male features.

As a male I had oily skin......yuch! for me I mean...I do not mean to insult men but I really did not like the way I smelled with that oily skin....Now my skin has gotten soft and dry.....I have to be more careful....it tears and cuts easier of all things....as a man I could blunder about with no fear....now I cut and bleed easily...
One thing I love is the transluscency of my skin, the thinner skin gives me over all a nice color.

I hope I have not grossed anyone out.....it is the realities that are faced.....and I hope that someone reading this who is thinking of this process would do the electrolysis first....or laser if you are a canidate. My hair is too light and laser is not effective for light colored hair.

Gi_Venus said:

laughing..... thank you Poppy...they are new after all....give em time.

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lol...I know. I really don't begrudge you them. Interesting reading about how the hormones and all are affecting you. So hard to imagine really. A deeper voice in a woman is considered very sexy by many men. When I went through some medical treatments in the past my voice got deeper/a bit raspy...and a couple of my male coworkers told me they found it quite sexy.

With the laser treatments...how long in between them...how long do they last?

Gi_Venus said:

smile....I am not normally an exhibitionist. but these are Gi's

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LOL, That's about where my boobs were before I got pregnant, so in my estimation, you're looking like a lady to me.

And the facial hair.... I SO can sympathize! I have had a challenge with that since I was 18, and take into consideration I am female! It's very uncomfortable, especially in public. Electrolysis is definitely the way to go.

It's great to read of your progress, sweetie. Believe it or not, it really does take a lot of change to "be yourself", irregardless if it's gender you're changing, just simply a mindset.

poppy1963 said:

lol...I know. I really don't begrudge you them. Interesting reading about how the hormones and all are affecting you. So hard to imagine really. A deeper voice in a woman is considered very sexy by many men. When I went through some medical treatments in the past my voice got deeper/a bit raspy...and a couple of my male coworkers told me they found it quite sexy.

With the laser treatments...how long in between them...how long do they last?

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The electrolysis is pretty tedious and painful . Labor intensive too....so it costs a lot. I have heard a rumor of a new process where they can stain your hair roots dark and therefore use the laser even when your hair is light.......I hope I can do some thing like that....the laser is better if you can do it..

I flinch when I hear my voice I really hate it....sigh!
I am trying to coach myself to talk in a higher tone. *smile* I hope people find it sexy right now....ick.

Terra_Cide said:

LOL, That's about where my boobs were before I got pregnant, so in my estimation, you're looking like a lady to me.

And the facial hair.... I SO can sympathize! I have had a challenge with that since I was 18, and take into consideration I am female! It's very uncomfortable, especially in public. Electrolysis is definitely the way to go.

It's great to read of your progress, sweetie. Believe it or not, it really does take a lot of change to "be yourself", irregardless if it's gender you're changing, just simply a mindset.

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Laughing....okay, I am greedy...how can I get pregnant? Hello Terra*Hugs*
You are feeling well today I hope?

Gi_Venus said:

Laughing....okay, I am greedy...how can I get pregnant? Hello Terra*Hugs*
You are feeling well today I hope?

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I'm feeling well, hun, if only a bit narcoleptic. Pregnancy is an energy black hole, I swear. I really admire those who are pregnant and can keep up with the children they already have! No offense, dear, but I can't imagine trying to keep up with your imp and deal with the pregnancy side-effects I'm experiencing!

Terra_Cide said:

I'm feeling well, hun, if only a bit narcoleptic. Pregnancy is an energy black hole, I swear. I really admire those who are pregnant and can keep up with the children they already have! No offense, dear, but I can't imagine trying to keep up with your imp and deal with the pregnancy side-effects I'm experiencing!

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I think that is how some women learn how to be ...ahem... a little cranky. Little boy makes his mother......crazy normally...he..he...good thing we did not have another child. Grin....he makes me crazy when I am tired.

yukonnights said:

Try to picture this; (I am assuming you are a male) What if, for some reason you had been forced to wear girls clothing and only participate with girls since childhood. Inside you know you really wish to play with the boys and do boy things but you are not allowed. In essence, you are being forced to be something/someone you are not. Imagine the lifetime of frustration and internal pressure you would have faced. Then, one day you say to yourself and to all others, "Enough!"

That is what transgendered people have faced and are facing. Add to this nightmare that the very body that they live in is also associated with the wrong gender! It's not that they are changing "who they are", it is that they are throwing off the external lie (including the body) in order to be who they are.
I know this is a simple picture and explanation, but hope it helps you to understand.

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Those are two separate things, though. I mean, I'm all in favour of throwing of society's expectations and gender roles.
But one's body isn't "part of the lie." It's not something that was socially constructed, or forced on one by society.

Someone's body is part of them, that was given to them by nature. Others may build some expectations off of one's body, but it's those expectations, not the body itself, that are the lie.

KABUKISTAR said:

Those are two separate things, though. I mean, I'm all in favour of throwing of society's expectations and gender roles.
But one's body isn't "part of the lie." It's not something that was socially constructed, or forced on one by society.

Someone's body is part of them, that was given to them by nature. Others may build some expectations off of one's body, but it's those expectations, not the body itself, that are the lie.

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Hello KABUKISTAR, That fact that I was born with this body has no relevence as to what is natural or not....people fall naturally within spectrums of gender naturally in the brain as more woman or more man, or inbetween. The fact that one may be uncomfortable with ones body is not an artificially induced "expectation". Certainly there are cases where one is delusional and that might be labelled an expectation.
But really as reality is perception, who is delusional? Professionals have stereo typical examples to fit their definitions. Except for neurological impairment, we all have the ability of fluidity....it becomes iffy to define as we are all evolving and changing whether it is in life in general or gender identity, life is not static while there are those of us who are not dynamic as whole we all are changing. Is it not natural to evolve towards ones natural state of mind? Personally I feel greater peace of mind than I ever have on a spiritual level.....I have chaos and trouble in my life and that causes me to slip into depressive states...but at a deep level there is a rightness that has never existed before.