Online dom/sub relationship

I am a submissive female who has just begun exploring the lifestyle after years of denying my needs and desires. My only source of information has been stories. I have become an online sub to a married man. I wonder if anyone else has any experience with this? While i desire to be completely and totally submissive sexually, he has started giving me commands that have nothing to do with sex. And while I recognize that he is giving me these commands to try to protect me, I feel that I must maintain some boundaries in order to protect myself emotionally. Being newly submissive, I feel especially vulnerable and already have begun to feel a connection with him. I do not feel I can allow him to control other aspects of my life and maintain the distance and perspective that I need.
Today he ordered me to find a social event to attend or a group to join this weekend. (I am new to the area and haven't met many people yet.) He became very angry when I told him that I had only agreed to submit sexually. He told me I had to use my safe word if I felt I could not obey him. I tried to explain to him that I needed to keep some distance, but he was insistent that I must either obey or use my safe word. I did not agree because I felt that if I used a safe word, it was acknowledging that he had the right to control other aspects of my life.
Any input????

Other people - and especially other folks who submit to their partners - will likely have more to say on this. But I do have this one thing to say: you are submitting to him but you are not his doormat. You have the right to claim boundaries. And if he won't honor your boundaries he's not worth your time.

midwestyankee said:

Other people - and especially other folks who submit to their partners - will likely have more to say on this. But I do have this one thing to say: you are submitting to him but you are not his doormat. You have the right to claim boundaries. And if he won't honor your boundaries he's not worth your time.

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Pretty much this.

While I agree that the task seems like something reasonable for you to do (it is good to get out there and meet people) IF you say "hey, here's the line" and he refuses to acknowledge it, then there's an issue.

It's like any other relationship. You have to negotiate what you want. If you only want to be sexually submissive, then find some one who agrees to that, and if he pushes beyond the agreed upon terms, then he's not a good match.

I agree with the previous posts. Although you've agreed to be submissive that doesn't mean you've agreed to be completely controlled by him. Even in a Dom/sub relationship if one side isn't willing to respect the other and their wishes then it's not a good relationship. I'm not too familiar with Dom/sub but ive had friends who are tell me the outright control isn't as desirable, especially if it's not wanted. Remember there's a difference between being a sub and being a slave. If he's not willing to respect your wishes than he's not actually respecting you.

Communicate

It is important to communicate with your dom wants , willingness, and most important expectations. As others have said you are not a slave. If he does not accept that you are easing into submission, the issue may be on the other side. Be safe open up enjoy what awaits you when you are ready.

As someone who's also explored internet sex & D/s, my advice is to pull away immediately!

Just because it's over the internet, doesn't mean the emotions involved aren't just as real, and from personal experience, attachment can happen really fast and easy for subs. (ignoring the complicated 'why' for now) Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I can understand someone wanting a safeword used any time limits (such as yours about D/s outside of sex) are reached, even if just to teach or for the principle of it. That, doesn't, however, excuse his lack of respect for you needing to maintain an emotional distance as you start to explore this. That isn't D/s; that's the start of an emotionally abusive relationship, and that's the last thing you need!

I won't pretend I understand what's going on in his head or heart from that little information, but I can gurentee you that it's not the nurturing enviroment a new sub needs, even if he's trying to make it one.

At best, he has some issues he needs to work through before he should consider taking on anyone but a very strong, experienced sub, or has some significant misconceptions about things that a "green" sub will never be able to convince him otherwise of.

Please don't stay with him. There are plenty of Doms on the internet. Find one that already respects where you are in exploring your sub side and whatever emotional distance you want to keep...hell, find several if you can so you can get different perspectives.

Some people fail to distinguish between fantasy
& reality.
They should clearly understand that any fetish
is strictly confined to the sex sessions.some so
called dommes believe that submissives are
always the same & the subs would listen to any
of
their whims , even those ones which interfere
with
the normal outer world of the subs..no one
lives it 24*7.The subs only play as a sub
during sex because it pleasures her/him.Often
they are stark opposite in real world.so
why should they follow the stuffs which lie
beyond their comfort territory.

midwestyankee said:

Other people - and especially other folks who submit to their partners - will likely have more to say on this. But I do have this one thing to say: you are submitting to him but you are not his doormat. You have the right to claim boundaries. And if he won't honor your boundaries he's not worth your time.

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Agreed. There are many variables that play into your current relationship. He's married. Maybe that isn't an issue for you, but he's quite possibly a man you will never have. Are you ok with submitting to him knowing this? Also, he's asking you to do things, are you comfortable with him? With those requests? You already have the answers. You must take an honest look at the entire picture. Anyone can ask anyone to do something...it's anyone's right to say no. If you're not comfortable, simply state that you're not.

I also wanted to say if you choose to submit in only sexual ways, you've laid your boundary line. He can be upset and it will be because he wants more of you. He will have to accept it. You have to want and be ready to submit in those other ways, he cannot force you or it's not submission.

Let me guess. You found this fellow shortly after you posted this in another thread:


You got what you asked for, didn't you? In my experience, it's really hard to buy a new Mercedes in a used car lot that offers EZ Financing.

CocksuckingSub81 said:

... I felt that if I used a safe word, it was acknowledging that he had the right to control other aspects of my life.
Any input????

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Generally speaking, safewords are for scenes, not for life.

And if you have not built your relationship with him to the point where you have consented to surrendering control of your life to his authority, you can tell him "no", and mean it, and not do it, because this ain't a scene, it's your life.

He can pound sand up his arse.

I would run. Does his wife know he is doing this? If not, I don't think that is a good thing. Just like dating in real life, you don't have to stick with the first dom that comes along. There are more fish in the ocean.

The big red flag for me is that he became "very angry" at the first bump in the road, instead of working to develop a way around disagreements, which would be the healthy behaviour to have in any new relationship (not just D/s).
I see this thread is older, I hope you have moved on from him with minimal distress. We always like to hear updates so come back and tell us what happened

Moved on

Hi everyone and thank you for your responses. We attempted to continue our Dom/sub relationship but continued to struggle with this and some other issues, including the fact that he is married. Finally, decided to end the relationship. It was hard, but I know it was the right thing for all parties. Thanks again for all the great advice!

Evil_Geoff said:

Generally speaking, safewords are for scenes, not for life.

And if you have not built your relationship with him to the point where you have consented to surrendering control of your life to his authority, you can tell him "no", and mean it, and not do it, because this ain't a scene, it's your life.

He can pound sand up his arse.

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And now you made me wish I could have a safeword for life.
I could just look at my to-do list and go "Red!".
[/hijack]

I've done online and it just didn't work for me for long. One person felt like my perfect fit and just disappeared with no warning. He is still on collarme but poof to me so that hurt a lot.

Others were either not good fits OR I began to feel bad because I wanted to give more and because I'm in a otherwise happy, married place and a wholesome local entertainer am limited in what I can or will do.

I've always had strong limits. I don't feel bad about that. I just want to give all and it makes me hate myself that I can't.

I stayed friends with most.

Do what YOU want to do with this guy, run, communicate, discuss limits, whatever feels right to you for you.

*HUGS*

CocksuckingSub81 said:

I am a submissive female who has just begun exploring the lifestyle after years of denying my needs and desires. My only source of information has been stories. I have become an online sub to a married man. I wonder if anyone else has any experience with this? While i desire to be completely and totally submissive sexually, he has started giving me commands that have nothing to do with sex. And while I recognize that he is giving me these commands to try to protect me, I feel that I must maintain some boundaries in order to protect myself emotionally. Being newly submissive, I feel especially vulnerable and already have begun to feel a connection with him. I do not feel I can allow him to control other aspects of my life and maintain the distance and perspective that I need.
Today he ordered me to find a social event to attend or a group to join this weekend. (I am new to the area and haven't met many people yet.) He became very angry when I told him that I had only agreed to submit sexually. He told me I had to use my safe word if I felt I could not obey him. I tried to explain to him that I needed to keep some distance, but he was insistent that I must either obey or use my safe word. I did not agree because I felt that if I used a safe word, it was acknowledging that he had the right to control other aspects of my life.
Any input????

Click to expand...

Boundaries are definitely something that you set before getting into a committed relationship of that nature. The aspect of giving yourself over to someone, be it sexually or not, is no little thing. The Sub has all of the true power, for he or she is the one who give it in the first place. They are the ones who can take it away. My suggestion is that you find a Dom who can appreciate and understand that fact. The Dom/Sub life can seem very one sided. I get that. But like everything else in the world, it should be a two-way street. When you find another Dom, or if your current one is willing to listen to you, hammer out those boundaries and make sure he understand them. Once he knows what lines not to cross, so that you can feel safe and enjoy the experience to the best of your ability, then the two of you can freely enjoy what being a Dom and a Sub have to offer. I'm sorry that your Dom ended up like this, but we as humans rarely ever get anything right on the first try. I guarantee that the experiences that you get from this Dom will greatly assist you in your future endeavors. Good luck!

I'm glad to hear that you ended that.

He is not a good Dom, or worthy of even being called a Dom. A good Dom/Sub relationship is built on trust and agreement. You establish boundaries, what you are both comfortable with, and you DON'T break them. The definition of a Dom is NOT that he can control every aspect of your life and go against agreed arrangements because he wants to. No. That's not cool.

If you want to find this kind of relationship, make sure you trust the person first. Become friends and discuss your needs and how things will work. Be clear. Don't just jump in with anyone. You may be the submissive but that doesn't mean you don't have a say in anything. Is it ok to push limits? Yes. Is it ok to completely plow through them without warning? NO. This guy obviously doesn't have a clue what he's doing. He just wants control and domination is not just about one sided control. Be careful and good luck on your endeavors.

cbelle02 said:

I'm glad to hear that you ended that.

He is not a good Dom, or worthy of even being called a Dom. A good Dom/Sub relationship is built on trust and agreement. You establish boundaries, what you are both comfortable with, and you DON'T break them. The definition of a Dom is NOT that he can control every aspect of your life and go against agreed arrangements because he wants to. No. That's not cool.

If you want to find this kind of relationship, make sure you trust the person first. Become friends and discuss your needs and how things will work. Be clear. Don't just jump in with anyone. You may be the submissive but that doesn't mean you don't have a say in anything. Is it ok to push limits? Yes. Is it ok to completely plow through them without warning? NO. This guy obviously doesn't have a clue what he's doing. He just wants control and domination is not just about one sided control. Be careful and good luck on your endeavors.

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Spot on, and shows the difference between dom/sub and someone who is just into sadistic control for his own pleasure. Dom done properly has to involve the sub, has to be for their pleasure as well... otherwise its not pleasurable for the dom, in my view. Yes, push a little at limits, but the most arousing aspect is seeing a sub go a little further, be tested but enjoy that aspect and get their kicks form this. Without that feedback there is no pleasure.. for me at least... and if there is no pleasure for the sub they do have the ultimate control choice... walk away!

Glad you ended it. Too many women, especially rookies, feel that being a sub means you just do whatever you're told even if it does not fulfill you. The Dom/Sub thing is a relationship not all that different than normal relationships. If a Dom is not satisfied in the relationship they are free to move on. If a sub is not satisfied in the relationship then they are free to move on as well.

I agree with everybody else. He should have respected your limits. Please do enjoy yourself, here, but be careful.

subwannabe said:

Glad you ended it. Too many women, especially rookies, feel that being a sub means you just do whatever you're told even if it does not fulfill you.

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On behalf of some women, such as myself, it is the "doing whatever you're told even if it doesn't fulfill you" that is actually fulfilling to you, although I understand that makes little sense to some.

Just for the sake of offering a different opinion, based on the OP's last comment, maybe the fact that he was married was more of what was creating the obstacle. I have been tempted on a few occasions by a Dom who was married. I knew better. By learning and gaining a better understanding of myself, I have come to realize that although I consider myself as someone with very few limits, a married man is actually what I would consider my "hard limit", if ever I were to have one.

While I actually do understand that (and figured someone would make this post) my main point was that it is a relationship and you need to find the right Dom for you instead of just following the orders of the first Dom that comes your way. Sometimes that might work but, as in real relationships, the first one might not be "Mr. Right".

Today he ordered me to find a social event to attend or a group to join this weekend. (I am new to the area and haven't met many people yet.) He became very angry when I told him that I had only agreed to submit sexually. He told me I had to use my safe word if I felt I could not obey him. I tried to explain to him that I needed to keep some distance, but he was insistent that I must either obey or use my safe word. I did not agree because I felt that if I used a safe word, it was acknowledging that he had the right to control other aspects of my life.
Any input????

Click to expand...

Red flags! Bad Dom! Get out before it gets worse!

Here's the problem that a lot of people face when getting into the BDSM community: some "Doms" think that "50 shades" version of 50 shades is how things go, when that's far from the truth. Safewords are meant to be used so that if you feel uncomfortable, you can get the hell out of whatever situation you're in (and fast). Safewords are NOT meant to be "so Doms can punish you". This is YOUR safety and well-being at stake.

Doms who are quick to anger are to be taken with extreme caution. Do not let them use that temper to abuse you. Power-hungry/tripping Doms are NOT to be messed with.