As The Hospital Pervs

B is for Beck's Triad
1. Distended Neck Veins
2. Muffled Heart Sounds
3. Hypotension

aka the triple DDD (not tits!)
1. Distant heart sounds
2. Distended jugular veins
3. Decreased arterial pressure

The surgeon Claude Beck correlated these findings with pericardial tamponade: fluid build up between the heart muscle and the sac that holds it, causing compression resulting in the hearts inability to pump properly. He is known for many great concepts in cardiology. He is the original defibrillator. It is all so very shocking.

blobfish said:

Too bad he's Canadian.

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This is a problem?

Bidin~Time said:

This is a problem?

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I think it's illegal to have a romantic relationship with a Canadian. Maybe they changed that.

Bidin~Time said:

A cutiepatootie patient with a killer smile.

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cutiepatooties with killer smiles are the best.

blobfish said:

I think it's illegal to have a romantic relationship with a Canadian. Maybe they changed that.

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Well hell.

sweepthefloor said:

cutiepatooties with killer smiles are the best.

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yes they are

Calm down. Calm is a funny word.

sweepthefloor said:

That was great, I like the policy. I can imagine walking into the room and saying: Mr.Smith, it is time for your daily crisis. If you want to go all asystole, jump out of the bed and fall, paint the bed rails with your poop, or decide to have a change in mental status, please do so now: you have 30 minutes. Go!

In 30 minutes we can: code you, get you back in the bed and x-ray the hip for fracture, clean up the poop, or go to CT scan stat and be on to the next room. I appreciate your cooperation.

It often happens all at once, at shift change.

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It happened again today. Between 1100 and 1200 we had 3 admissions (one expected, one we knew was coming but we didn't know what time, and one was completely unexpected), 4 emeses, a malfunctioning Arjo lift (one of only two), a stuck bed rail, a broken wheelchair, and 2 trachs that needed suctioning. (And a partridge in a pear tree...) Oh, and lunch trays arrive promptly at 1200, and none of our current patients self-feed. Up until 1100, it had been damned boring. Fortunately shift change isn't until 1400, but it took us that long to get caught up!

I pissed off a social worker today. In the midst of all this chaos, she asked if admission 2 could have a TV in his room. I said, "Sure, the storage room is down the A wing, last door on the left." She apparently wanted me to go get it. It could have been worse - when she asked me, I was carrying a chuk full of shit in one (gloved) hand, and pulling the one functioning Arjo with the other. I could have handed her the shitty chuk and gone to get the TV. (And I seriously contemplated it.) Really? Do ya hear the dude next door drowning in his trach secretions? And you're worried about how long your patient is going to need to wait for a TV?!? The phrase, "up to my ass in alligators" comes to mind.

Janey, you must read Becoming a Doctor by Melvin Konner. This guy had a Ph.D. in anthropology, and decided in his 40s to go to med school. He writes about it with the perspective of an anthropologist. Some of the acronyms, abbreviations, and just general observations are hilarious. Talk about hospital pervs! I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself.

sweepthefloor said:

B is for Beck's Triad
1. Distended Neck Veins
2. Muffled Heart Sounds
3. Hypotension

aka the triple DDD (not tits!)
1. Distant heart sounds
2. Distended jugular veins
3. Decreased arterial pressure

The surgeon Claude Beck correlated these findings with pericardial tamponade: fluid build up between the heart muscle and the sac that holds it, causing compression resulting in the hearts inability to pump properly. He is known for many great concepts in cardiology. He is the original defibrillator. It is all so very shocking.

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Not to be confused with pericardial tapenade, which is an accumulation of olive paste around the heart.

(Please forgive me, I'm somewhat inebriated tonight. I think I'm funny.)

I think it is hilarious! I will read the book, thanks for the recommendation.

LongDrySpell said:

Not to be confused with pericardial tapenade, which is an accumulation of olive paste around the heart.

(Please forgive me, I'm somewhat inebriated tonight. I think I'm funny.)

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I thought it was pretty funny as well, especially with those direct tv commercials they are showing lately.

Balladeer08 said:

I thought it was pretty funny as well, especially with those direct tv commercials they are showing lately.

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That's what was on my TV when I read "pericardial tamponade." Some of my coworkers have really, really poor spelling skills, and I thought, boy wouldn't that be an embarassing mistake to make.

LongDrySpell said:

That's what was on my TV when I read "pericardial tamponade." Some of my coworkers have really, really poor spelling skills, and I thought, boy wouldn't that be an embarassing mistake to make.

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You should try reading police reports. I've seen descriptions of suspects "Lerking" in the shadows and "Praying" on their victim. A man charged with "indecent explosion". Sentence constructions that leave me unable to say who did what to whom.

Generally, you like to read in the report that the officer arrived at the scene. Not that "I got down off my ride"... (What in the hell was he doing on the roof? Inspecting the emergency lights?)

Subliterates can be very entertaining. 8)

I tried to correct them gently, and lead them unto the path. But I have trouble keeping a straight face.

C is for cremaster

C is for cremaster

The cremaster muscle is the muscle which serves to raise and lower the testes. Yup, when you're really cold and the boys want to crawl back inside, that's the cremaster.

And, as the med students say, if you "master your cremaster," you can delay ejaculation.

(Hey, you wanted perverse, you got it.)

Balladeer08 said:

You should try reading police reports. I've seen descriptions of suspects "Lerking" in the shadows and "Praying" on their victim. A man charged with "indecent explosion". Sentence constructions that leave me unable to say who did what to whom.

Generally, you like to read in the report that the officer arrived at the scene. Not that "I got down off my ride"... (What in the hell was he doing on the roof? Inspecting the emergency lights?)

Subliterates can be very entertaining. 8)

I tried to correct them gently, and lead them unto the path. But I have trouble keeping a straight face.

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Oh, we get something similar. When describing an observation of a patient, one would like to see something along the lines of, "Mr. Doe has a 1 cm diameter bruise on his right arm approximately 3 inches above his elbow." What we get instead is "I seen a bruise on Danny so I got the nurse." I once threatened to throw a coworker out the nearest window if he wrote "I seen" one more time.

Now, indecent explosion? That I'd like to see.

Dear Janey
I have read just a part of this thread and I have not enjoyed reading something like this since House God by Samuel Shem when I was a med student years ago
You have a brilliant unique writing style
Your erotic insights in the world of medicine are just brilliant please please please write an e book and put it for sale for kindle or such like through amazon
You will be more successful than fifty shades

Laughandlove said:

Dear Janey
I have read just a part of this thread and I have not enjoyed reading something like this since House God by Samuel Shem when I was a med student years ago
You have a brilliant unique writing style
Your erotic insights in the world of medicine are just brilliant please please please write an e book and put it for sale for kindle or such like through amazon
You will be more successful than fifty shades

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I and others have been telling her to do a book for a while.

But money and fame don't seem to be what motivates her.

So I've decided to up the ante: Janey, write the book and I'll let you touch me like you know me. 8)

Balladeer08 said:

I and others have been telling her to do a book for a while.

But money and fame don't seem to be what motivates her.

So I've decided to up the ante: Janey, write the book and I'll let you touch me like you know me. 8)

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Good work; now she'll never do it.

sweepthefloor said:

I like pressing.

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I will not cheapen this statement.

jomar said:

I will not cheapen this statement.

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It is that time again. I am staring at the board. It is a hot heavy iron. This would be more fun if you were watching me, talking to me, or something.

Laughandlove said:

Dear Janey
I have read just a part of this thread and I have not enjoyed reading something like this since House God by Samuel Shem when I was a med student years ago
You have a brilliant unique writing style
Your erotic insights in the world of medicine are just brilliant please please please write an e book and put it for sale for kindle or such like through amazon
You will be more successful than fifty shades

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Thank you for these compliments. I am like a stand-up writer. The one good line turns into a thousand, but they never seem to make sense when put together. I think a sentence should have a verb and a noun. That is all I remember about writing. My formal education revolved around sciences, and I am lazy to teach myself language.

Balladeer08 said:

I and others have been telling her to do a book for a while.

But money and fame don't seem to be what motivates her.

So I've decided to up the ante: Janey, write the book and I'll let you touch me like you know me. 8)

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Yes you have been telling me that, and I appreciate the confidence from you and others.

You just want me to touch you, the book is irrelevant.

blobfish said:

Good work; now she'll never do it.

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Most likely I will not. I like writing here.

And can you imagine the professional outrage? They would hang me up on the IV pole with plastic tubing after they probe every orifice with medical torture devices.

sweepthefloor said:

And can you imagine the professional outrage? They would hang me up on the IV pole with plastic tubing after they probe every orifice with medical torture devices.

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Oh, that's easy to prevent. Just use a fake name.

Some of those orifices probably don't need probing.