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As The Hospital Pervs

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Back to school: I predict that Nursing Informatics will be the most boring class I ever attend.
 
sweepthefloor said:
Back to school: I predict that Nursing Informatics will be the most boring class I ever attend.
Click to expand...

Do you know how to make those Bullshit Bingo cards? Using the buzzwords from the class?

Get up a set of those, distribute them, that can liven things up a bit. 8)
 
Balladeer08 said:
Do you know how to make those Bullshit Bingo cards? Using the buzzwords from the class?

Get up a set of those, distribute them, that can liven things up a bit. 8)
Click to expand...
I am ashamed to admit that in nursing school, I utilized crossword puzzle software to create puzzles for my class based on each chapter.
 
It's not easy controlling this group. I can't wait to give up at 1930. The relief is neuro-gasmic.
 
Me: Mr. MVA status post anterior + posterior cervical discectomy + fusion. You have to poop. The time has come. You haven’t pooped yet, and it has been days. The narcotics are constipating you.

Patient: I refuse to poop on the bedpan.

Me: You will feel better. Let me give you this enema.

Patient: Look at me. I look like pinhead in Hellraiser.

Me: You went through the windshield of your car. Your face is sutured. Let me give you this enema and I will roll you onto the bedpan. Push this button when you are done.

Patient: My ass hurts.
Me: Let’s roll off this pan and see what happened.
Patient: ~moaning~ + ~groaning~
Me: You have had a large bowel movement. This is great.
Patient: Why are you so happy about this? How can you clean up shit all day?
Me: It is important to move your bowels. I do not clean shit all day, but this is a part of my job.

I get rid of the pan and begin to shower the man in the bed. I start in the front and roll him to the side and begin washing his ass. He is moaning and groaning and I wash, wipe, pitch, wash wipe, pitch. Eventually I don’t hear his moaning anymore. I am humming a song in my head. I wash his back, wash his legs, change the linens, and get the other side. Wash my hands. I give him a lotion topcoat and he looks great. Wash my hands. I clean up the room, wash my hands, change the IV fluids, label the tubing, and take a look around. Wash my hands.

I smile to myself full of pride as I lay on the fresh crisp top sheet.

Patient: It still feels dirty.
Me: I assure you all is clean. (I am a professional ass wiper)
Patient: My ass hurts. Is it bleeding?
Me: You just had a large bowel movement, but there is no bleeding back there.
Patient: Are you sure it is clean?

Me: Roll over to the side.

I wipe his ass a few more times for emotional security, and show him that the washcloth is clean. (see?)

Patient: Thank you.
Me: You are welcome.

washing my hands.
 
sweepthefloor said:
Me: Mr. MVA status post anterior + posterior cervical discectomy + fusion. You have to poop. The time has come. You haven’t pooped yet, and it has been days. The narcotics are constipating you.

Patient: I refuse to poop on the bedpan.

Me: You will feel better. Let me give you this enema.

Patient: Look at me. I look like pinhead in Hellraiser.

Me: You went through the windshield of your car. Your face is sutured. Let me give you this enema and I will roll you onto the bedpan. Push this button when you are done.

Patient: My ass hurts.
Me: Let’s roll off this pan and see what happened.
Patient: ~moaning~ + ~groaning~
Me: You have had a large bowel movement. This is great.
Patient: Why are you so happy about this? How can you clean up shit all day?
Me: It is important to move your bowels. I do not clean shit all day, but this is a part of my job.

I get rid of the pan and begin to shower the man in the bed. I start in the front and roll him to the side and begin washing his ass. He is moaning and groaning and I wash, wipe, pitch, wash wipe, pitch. Eventually I don’t hear his moaning anymore. I am humming a song in my head. I wash his back, wash his legs, change the linens, and get the other side. Wash my hands. I give him a lotion topcoat and he looks great. Wash my hands. I clean up the room, wash my hands, change the IV fluids, label the tubing, and take a look around. Wash my hands.

I smile to myself full of pride as I lay on the fresh crisp top sheet.

Patient: It still feels dirty.
Me: I assure you all is clean. (I am a professional ass wiper)
Patient: My ass hurts. Is it bleeding?
Me: You just had a large bowel movement, but there is no bleeding back there.
Patient: Are you sure it is clean?

Me: Roll over to the side.

I wipe his ass a few more times for emotional security, and show him that the washcloth is clean. (see?)

Patient: Thank you.
Me: You are welcome.

washing my hands.
Click to expand...

You are a saint.

Our Lady of Clean Rectums.
 
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