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Online Relationship?

Learin

Learin

Elusive
Joined
Aug 31, 2014
Posts
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Literotica isn't the first forum I've been into, but it definitely is the first place where I got acquainted with the term "Online Relationship". How exactly does this thing work, especially for BDSM?

Do people skype each other? Do people keep such relationships despite being in one RL, or do they treat it like a real one? Do they have virtual whips or something?

Is it even viable?


Sorry for the unexpected barrage of questions, but I was born curious. :eek:
 
Probably yes to all of the above, except maybe the virtual whips :)
I think people tend to work out their own dynamics here, whatever works for them individually.
I'm sure somebody would be happy to show you their ropes :D
 
This is a question that seems to come up a lot. Not just specifically to the BDSM forum.

When I first joined Lit, there were a collection of threads discussing long-distance BDSM, and then subsequently a support thread. You'll find the links here.

More recently, the possibility of falling in love online has been discussed here and here. (I'd be willing to bet there are hundreds more if you use the search tool a little more effectively than I do)
Possibly a little off-topic but makes for interesting reading along the theme of online relationships.
 
I have enjoyed some long term online Ds relationship, they do vary somewhat from real time ones but can be fulfilling and rewarding nevertheless, both parties need to be committed to it and to be creative in how they keep it fresh and exciting, I would personally encourage anyone to give it a try even if it is just a stepping stone to a real time Ds relationship which I have found they can often be
 
Collar_N_Cuffs said:
Probably yes to all of the above, except maybe the virtual whips :)
I think people tend to work out their own dynamics here, whatever works for them individually.
I'm sure somebody would be happy to show you their ropes :D
Click to expand...

Hehe...no ropes from strangers please. I'm not looking for any relationship. I was just curious about this entire long distance online relationship and wondered if it ever worked. Too many people talking about it had me interested about the topic. :)


Gianbattista said:
I haven't had an online 'relationship' but I have online friendships.

And they are very real.

A few years ago when I was un able to attend a planned meet up for various non negotiable reasons some who had G's details and they arranged to bring a meet up to me. It was an incredible day. I don't find it incomprehensible people connect on other levels through this medium.
Click to expand...

I can relate to online friendships. :)

But RL is much different from online, right? It takes a huge leap of faith for someone to commit themselves to a person they barely know except what they're telling. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not....who knows until the meet? Even a small lie can blow up the entire thing.

You were good enough as a judge to find the wonderful people.


TheSilverLining said:
This is a question that seems to come up a lot. Not just specifically to the BDSM forum.

When I first joined Lit, there were a collection of threads discussing long-distance BDSM, and then subsequently a support thread. You'll find the links here.

More recently, the possibility of falling in love online has been discussed here and here. (I'd be willing to bet there are hundreds more if you use the search tool a little more effectively than I do)
Possibly a little off-topic but makes for interesting reading along the theme of online relationships.
Click to expand...

I used Google search, but it didn't throw any relevant results. On the Forums, it took me to the personal ads, in which I'm not interested at all.

I will read the threads and try to commit them to my god-awful memory. :)

Thanks for the links. :rose:


loves2spank said:
I have enjoyed some long term online Ds relationship, they do vary somewhat from real time ones but can be fulfilling and rewarding nevertheless, both parties need to be committed to it and to be creative in how they keep it fresh and exciting, I would personally encourage anyone to give it a try even if it is just a stepping stone to a real time Ds relationship which I have found they can often be
Click to expand...

If you don't mind me asking, did you ever transition from online to a real life relationship with the same person?

Sorry, curious minds wanna know. :)
 
Learin said:
But RL is much different from online, right? It takes a huge leap of faith for someone to commit themselves to a person they barely know except what they're telling. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not....who knows until the meet? Even a small lie can blow up the entire thing.
Click to expand...

Isn't it the same thing even if you meet IRL? You can't be sure they are what they say they are, you just have to have faith and believe they're telling the truth. It might be easier to sense if they're telling the truth when you're talking in person, but videochat is readily available these days, so I think you can get to know the other person pretty well online as well.
 
seela said:
Isn't it the same thing even if you meet IRL? You can't be sure they are what they say they are, you just have to have faith and believe they're telling the truth. It might be easier to sense if they're telling the truth when you're talking in person, but videochat is readily available these days, so I think you can get to know the other person pretty well online as well.
Click to expand...

Behind the screen, you'll be surprised to see how much courage it gives to some people to say things they'd never otherwise say in RL.

Yes, people can lie in real life meetings too, but they'd have to be bastardo suave of the highest quality to lie/string a shit load of lies and still be believable. To me, Face-to-face meets are more...reliable than online non face-to-face meets. I practically work in a sector that relies on meeting people and stuff, so part of my belief arises from that.

I'm not saying online meets cannot be successful. I'm sure there are loads of happily ever after relationships, but IMO, RL meetings are much better for long term commitments (I think that'd be non-applicable on relationships that will remain online for the rest of eternity)



I'm feeling a bit tired now, so logging out. Anyone else with their opinions, please feel free to chip in. :)
 
I think online relationships are the cause of many autoerotic asphyxiation scenarios gone bad and the many whispers at funerals that sound something like, 'So and so died a pervert.'
 
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Learin said:
Behind the screen, you'll be surprised to see how much courage it gives to some people to say things they'd never otherwise say in RL.

Yes, people can lie in real life meetings too, but they'd have to be bastardo suave of the highest quality to lie/string a shit load of lies and still be believable. To me, Face-to-face meets are more...reliable than online non face-to-face meets. I practically work in a sector that relies on meeting people and stuff, so part of my belief arises from that.

I'm not saying online meets cannot be successful. I'm sure there are loads of happily ever after relationships, but IMO, RL meetings are much better for long term commitments (I think that'd be non-applicable on relationships that will remain online for the rest of eternity)



I'm feeling a bit tired now, so logging out. Anyone else with their opinions, please feel free to chip in. :)
Click to expand...

Sure, I absolutely think that it's much easier to lie online than it is to lie face to face. However, if you talk several times, use voice and video chat, I really think you can get a pretty good grasp on what the other person is like. It always depends on the people in it, though.

There are lots of stories about how people have several relationships going on at once, several IRL relationships. Meeting in real life doesn't in my opinion make the relationship or meeting any more reliable than meeting and getting to know one another online. I know it is even easier to write about things online than it is to talk about them, so maybe on some level meeting and starting a relationship online can even be more reliable than starting it IRL.

I've had an online relationship, but it moved into real life pretty fast. We met in real life about 2 months after getting to know each other online. It didn't last, but the reason for that had nothing to do with how the relationship started and everything to do with sexual incompatibility, ie. I though I could get used to the amount of protocol the other person wanted. I couldn't. :)

My current relationship started online as well, but I guess it doesn't really count, because we met face to face later in the same evening already.
 
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I had a few online luvs I met for real. I stole a gal from the board DOM, and spent the weekend with her at a motel. She turned out to be old, over 65 old. A good fuck but not long for this world.

One flew here from New York and had a sick pussy that smelled pretty bad. She got pretty mad when I refused 2nds.

A couple were keepers but most were seriously damaged. Still in luv with guys who dumped them. But plenty of damaged gals live in my neighborhood.
 
seela said:
Sure, I absolutely think that it's much easier to lie online than it is to lie face to face. However, if you talk several times, use voice and video chat, I really think you can get a pretty good grasp on what the other person is like. It always depends on the people in it, though.

There are lots of stories about how people have several relationships going on at once, several IRL relationships. Meeting in real life doesn't in my opinion make the relationship or meeting any more reliable than meeting and getting to know one another online. I know it is even easier to write about things online than it is to talk about them, so maybe on some level meeting and starting a relationship online can even be more reliable than starting it IRL.

I've had an online relationship, but it moved into real life pretty fast. We met in real life about 2 months after getting to know each other online. It didn't last, but the reason for that had nothing to do with how the relationship started and everything to do with sexual incompatibility, ie. I though I could get used to the amount of protocol the other person wanted. I couldn't. :)

My current relationship started online as well, but I guess it doesn't really count, because we met face to face later in the same evening already.
Click to expand...

Hmmm....that's a fair explanation. It's much easier for me to digest the hard facts when someone relates their experience.

Thanks for the help. :)



Bramblethorn said:
Sometimes both. Not everybody's monogamous.
Click to expand...

Right you are. I didn't know if there are any predetermined "rules" to this game, or if people make them as they come together.

I guess its the latter. :)
 
Learin said:
Behind the screen, you'll be surprised to see how much courage it gives to some people to say things they'd never otherwise say in RL.

Yes, people can lie in real life meetings too, but they'd have to be bastardo suave of the highest quality to lie/string a shit load of lies and still be believable. To me, Face-to-face meets are more...reliable than online non face-to-face meets. I practically work in a sector that relies on meeting people and stuff, so part of my belief arises from that.

I'm not saying online meets cannot be successful. I'm sure there are loads of happily ever after relationships, but IMO, RL meetings are much better for long term commitments (I think that'd be non-applicable on relationships that will remain online for the rest of eternity)



I'm feeling a bit tired now, so logging out. Anyone else with their opinions, please feel free to chip in. :)
Click to expand...

I will have to disagree with the bolded part. I think it depends on who you are. I tend to connect with people initially much better online.

I met my husband about 16 years ago online. I was very young, and we both lived over a thousand miles apart, so a face to face meet was not possible. Initially we both participated in a roleplaying chatroom (nonsexual) and eventually started private messaging eachother and discussing our real lives. We learned we had a lot in common. After a few months we had our first phone call. By then we were already saying "I love you." Not something I do lightly. I never really knew what he looked like very well until our first face to face meeting a year and a half into our relationship. This was before the days that getting pictures on the web was easy, and before there was a camera in every device you could imagine. He only had computer access at the library.

Anyways, we did fall in love and get to know eachother online. We tried to talk on the phone as often as we and our money allowed. He moved to live with me 13 years ago, and we are happily married with 3 kids. He's my best friend, and there is very little I can't tell him. I am still connected through social media with another person who frequented that chat room, and she is still married to someone she met in that same chatroom.

It doesn't have to be different when you bring BDSM into the picture either. It might not make sense for you, but that's fine. I'm a pretty good judge of character when I interact with someone long enough online. I've given out personal information (such as mailing address) to people I learned to trust who I have never met face to face. Sure it's taking a risk, but you're taking a risk in opening up to anyone even face to face. I tend to be more level headed and able to think rationally about what people are doing online than face to face. I have more time to think about it. Sometimes in person I don't read people right and miss things.
 
Oh, and as for how it works, it works like any long distance relationship. Imagine meeting someone face to face, and liking them enough to work through a long distance relationship. How would you connect with them? E-mail? Facebook? Phone? Text? Skype?
 
I find very little difference between online interaction and real life interaction. If you're killing time, it doesn't really matter whether you're killing it online or offline. Different things work for different persons. You might find it hard to believe that many people have transitioned from online relationships to successful RL relationships. I have seen quite a few people making this work.

Basically, people talk. It could be about anything that can help them to know each other better. It's just like a RL chat, the only difference being the lack of actual touch, feel and sense of what the person is actually like. Some people can shrug off the lack of it, some can't. If they click together, they plan to meet in RL and test the waters if they're suitable for a relationship. Most of the time, it usually works unless one of the person is just stringing along the second one.

Online BDSM relationships...well, they're like any other online relationships...with just a new dynamic. There's a master, there's a sub and they follow their own codes of whatever-it-is. To each their own. The most lameass ones I encountered was a guy ordering around his sub to do oddball things that was really....oddball.

Anywho, that's not the focus.

I'm sure there are no virtual whips, but if it's a serious online BDSM relationship, there's a lot of cyber-sex involved. Usually if people find it appeasing, they take it to RL sooner or later.

Just imagine it as a dating that you have to engage online, instead of doing the actual thing by going to bars and hitting on your office mates. If you two (or three or four) people click together and feel it's worth a try, you take the plunge and take it in RL with commitments. :)
 
SpunThings said:
I will have to disagree with the bolded part. I think it depends on who you are. I tend to connect with people initially much better online.

I met my husband about 16 years ago online. I was very young, and we both lived over a thousand miles apart, so a face to face meet was not possible. Initially we both participated in a roleplaying chatroom (nonsexual) and eventually started private messaging eachother and discussing our real lives. We learned we had a lot in common. After a few months we had our first phone call. By then we were already saying "I love you." Not something I do lightly. I never really knew what he looked like very well until our first face to face meeting a year and a half into our relationship. This was before the days that getting pictures on the web was easy, and before there was a camera in every device you could imagine. He only had computer access at the library.

Anyways, we did fall in love and get to know eachother online. We tried to talk on the phone as often as we and our money allowed. He moved to live with me 13 years ago, and we are happily married with 3 kids. He's my best friend, and there is very little I can't tell him. I am still connected through social media with another person who frequented that chat room, and she is still married to someone she met in that same chatroom.

It doesn't have to be different when you bring BDSM into the picture either. It might not make sense for you, but that's fine. I'm a pretty good judge of character when I interact with someone long enough online. I've given out personal information (such as mailing address) to people I learned to trust who I have never met face to face. Sure it's taking a risk, but you're taking a risk in opening up to anyone even face to face. I tend to be more level headed and able to think rationally about what people are doing online than face to face. I have more time to think about it. Sometimes in person I don't read people right and miss things.
Click to expand...

SpunThings said:
Oh, and as for how it works, it works like any long distance relationship. Imagine meeting someone face to face, and liking them enough to work through a long distance relationship. How would you connect with them? E-mail? Facebook? Phone? Text? Skype?
Click to expand...

Well, it's nice to hear from someone who has actually worked out a relationship in RL from online. :) Yes, you're right....it depends on who you are. For some it may work, for some, it won't.

I've never had a long-distance relationship and never had any interest in any sort of online relationship. Almost all of my important interactions, including meeting with my SO, have been....physical, so I can perhaps never understand the allure of having an online relationship.

Thanks for the wonderful and detailed reply. :):rose:




The Soulful Bard said:
I find very little difference between online interaction and real life interaction. If you're killing time, it doesn't really matter whether you're killing it online or offline. Different things work for different persons. You might find it hard to believe that many people have transitioned from online relationships to successful RL relationships. I have seen quite a few people making this work.

Basically, people talk. It could be about anything that can help them to know each other better. It's just like a RL chat, the only difference being the lack of actual touch, feel and sense of what the person is actually like. Some people can shrug off the lack of it, some can't. If they click together, they plan to meet in RL and test the waters if they're suitable for a relationship. Most of the time, it usually works unless one of the person is just stringing along the second one.

Online BDSM relationships...well, they're like any other online relationships...with just a new dynamic. There's a master, there's a sub and they follow their own codes of whatever-it-is. To each their own. The most lameass ones I encountered was a guy ordering around his sub to do oddball things that was really....oddball.

Anywho, that's not the focus.

I'm sure there are no virtual whips, but if it's a serious online BDSM relationship, there's a lot of cyber-sex involved. Usually if people find it appeasing, they take it to RL sooner or later.

Just imagine it as a dating that you have to engage online, instead of doing the actual thing by going to bars and hitting on your office mates. If you two (or three or four) people click together and feel it's worth a try, you take the plunge and take it in RL with commitments. :)
Click to expand...

Thanks to you too, Sir, for the detailed anatomy...although, I still remain curious about this oddball relationship demands..;)




Gianbattista said:
I want to comment on the truth /lies aspect because I think this is the crux ( besides physical contact) and my comments relate to friendships and forum discussion, not so much relationships, but some have crossover I expect, I just have not been in the position to make conclusions. :)

As Seela points out, rl relations ships risk lies too. Some argue less so but then....there would be no bigamy, the proverb about it being a wise child who knows his father ( and the guess statistics behind this) and so on and so on would be less true.

We do not travel through real life with all our information an open book, and it take the same attitude ( not enough for G) to my online communication. I withhold facts. I make no bones about this. I have not and would not put my cv here, nor my full name and list of previous addresses. :D for example.

Sometimes things I do not talk about make me uncomfortable. Sometimes they make be freer and more able to express and explore ideas. My uncross able line is falsification. I am happy to withold information here, and in real life when necessary I. Sometimes its a privacy / security issue. Sometimes its one of personal comfort.

Which leads to the brave point. By setting aside some of those shackles of identity we can perhaps be a little braver and truer should we choose to be. This is my approach to online life here. By not giving a full detail of one aspect I feel I can be freer to express another without feeling 'ridiculous'. Braver.

In the same way I think it would be hard ( though unfair..that's not by point about fair, just that some would find it hard) for many in society to take say, cross dressing politicians seriously, the judgment of openly BDSM participant judges in sex crime cases, or that some countries would not deal well with openly and activist homosexual diplomats.
Click to expand...

I agree because in all of my online conversations I had till date, I have withheld facts that I was uncomfortable sharing with someone else. I don't find myself obliged to tell everything about myself to a stranger I barely know.

Yes, having an anonymous online identity gives the courage to say things that we otherwise can't...braver, that's what it makes you feel. But there are both sides present to this particular equation, don't you think? Online trolling and stalking are some things that are resultant of this...lack of fear of repercussion of any kind. I know, I know....I'm veering off topic here but I can't ignore this thing.

I agree with all the points you've made. I couldn't have said it better. :)
 
Gianbattista said:
Yes. This is true. ( although in real life there are the equivalents of stalking and harrassment).

But point about bravery is that we can sometimes be more honest, or open about the key points then some are after years of knowing each other. For example, everyone here I can tell I like to be tied up by my husband ..who in my 'real life ' knows this?
Click to expand...
:D That is a big plus point of such identities. I wouldn't dare say some things to people around me IRL for the fear of being judged as something I'm definitely not.
 
Gianbattista said:
I haven't had an online 'relationship' but I have online friendships.

And they are very real.

A few years ago when I was un able to attend a planned meet up for various non negotiable reasons some who had G's details and they arranged to bring a meet up to me. It was an incredible day. I don't find it incomprehensible people connect on other levels through this medium.
Click to expand...


I've met some of my dearest friends online. They are the ones that check on my family when the 5 year old is in the hospital and offer to send pizza or come to visit us, too, if they are local. Seriously, some of my most valued relationships.
 
I have met lots of guys online and determined they are not for me. In my short experience I have found that a lot of married men are looking for online relationships.

I don't see the appeal, but as I am single I will converse with guys online to see how they pursue a relationship and what exactly they want.

Most of my experience is they want to see me masturbate and send them porno pics. To me this is a huge turn off. There has to be something of substance there before you get into a sexual relationship whether it be online or RL.

Sam xx
 
Learin said:
Behind the screen, you'll be surprised to see how much courage it gives to some people to say things they'd never otherwise say in RL.

Yes, people can lie in real life meetings too, but they'd have to be bastardo suave of the highest quality to lie/string a shit load of lies and still be believable. To me, Face-to-face meets are more...reliable than online non face-to-face meets. I practically work in a sector that relies on meeting people and stuff, so part of my belief arises from that.

I'm not saying online meets cannot be successful. I'm sure there are loads of happily ever after relationships, but IMO, RL meetings are much better for long term commitments (I think that'd be non-applicable on relationships that will remain online for the rest of eternity)



I'm feeling a bit tired now, so logging out. Anyone else with their opinions, please feel free to chip in. :)
Click to expand...

10 years the happy property of Jounar, come September that is. :heart:

He is my soul mate, we've spent a total of 4 weeks in that 10 years in the same room, well hell in the same country! I would love nothing more than to move there and be done with the ocean between us, but it's a bit more complicated than just hoping a plane.

I love him with all of my heart and soul, I am fully committed to him, and I date others here when I fancy. We both have that option actually, but he hasn't opted to do so in some time, and honestly, I haven't put much effort into it either as of late. Above everything else, we want each other to be happy, and I need loads of human contact to keep me happy. Think of an open relationship type thing.

I'm not about here regularly anymore, but there once was a "distance domination" support group thread that I was highly active in. I'm sure it will reflect the evolution of our relationship better than I could go back and describe it now.
 
I've never been in an "on line only" Ds relationship. But am in a long distance one. With circumstances which keep us apart. Like any relationship. It is what you put into it. It works. And it works very well. We talk via instant messenger , via text and in phone calls. We meet when it's possible. We respect each other's boundaries and my submission to him is very real , as intense as any love/ power exchange can be.
In an ideal world we would be together 24/7. But life has its limitations for personal reasons. I still live it every moment of every day and am happy ane content.
Sometimes you have to make the most of what you have and it does not diminish it in any way. Your connection is personal. Unique to the individuals involved. But absolutely real.
 
Online Domination

Im a dominatrix and I have many online clients and slaves. I think it works wonderfully! Its especially great when the sub wants to be a 24/7 slave. It gives you the ability to be in control of them at all times even though you arent together. :kiss:
 
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