MercutioStar
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Why so serious? Just post dumb jokes and puns 
Jokes and puns
- Thread starter MercutioStar
- Start date
MercutioStar
Literotica Guru
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The host is interviewing the slutty actress.
"So how many people would you say you have slept with?"
"Hmmm..." she says, looking up and focusing, "ball park estimate... I'd say, um... maybe... one."
"What? Just one person!?!"
"One ball park."
"So how many people would you say you have slept with?"
"Hmmm..." she says, looking up and focusing, "ball park estimate... I'd say, um... maybe... one."
"What? Just one person!?!"
"One ball park."
MercutioStar
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What's the difference between an orange?
jeff_is_smiling
Flirtin' an' stalkin'
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Time flies like an arrow...
Fruit flies like a banana....
Fruit flies like a banana....
MercutioStar
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Those jokes BUG me for some reason
MercutioStar
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At least that's the BUZZ around town
MercutioStar
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Bump.
Kelleebabes
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An art therapist decides to throw a "Color" theme party, you're suppose to come dressed in a color of an emotion...
Ding dong...first couple arrives, dressed head to toe in red..."Let me guess" said the therapist host..."Your red with anger"..."welcome to the party !!! come in"
Ding dong...second guess arrives, A lovely woman in a beautiful green dress, and a smashing green hat..." ahhh" said the host, yes ,your green with jealousy or envy"..."excellent!, please join in the fun"
Ding dong...next it IS another couple decked out all in blue,..."ohhh my, exclaimed the host..." sad, your dressed blue because your sad and unhappy"..."come in , come in..."This went on for several more colors...The party was in full swing...lastly
Ding dong...the therapist opened the door, there stood a big naked man...with his penis sticking through a pear... the therapist scratched his head and said..."mmm I'm afraid I can't quite figure out what emotion you represent?...The man in a deep voice said..."I'm fucking dispear!!" ( THIS PEAR ...GET IT?)
Ding dong...first couple arrives, dressed head to toe in red..."Let me guess" said the therapist host..."Your red with anger"..."welcome to the party !!! come in"
Ding dong...second guess arrives, A lovely woman in a beautiful green dress, and a smashing green hat..." ahhh" said the host, yes ,your green with jealousy or envy"..."excellent!, please join in the fun"
Ding dong...next it IS another couple decked out all in blue,..."ohhh my, exclaimed the host..." sad, your dressed blue because your sad and unhappy"..."come in , come in..."This went on for several more colors...The party was in full swing...lastly
Ding dong...the therapist opened the door, there stood a big naked man...with his penis sticking through a pear... the therapist scratched his head and said..."mmm I'm afraid I can't quite figure out what emotion you represent?...The man in a deep voice said..."I'm fucking dispear!!" ( THIS PEAR ...GET IT?)
Last edited:
coochiebarber
Pussy Shaver
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"Umm, what....?"
"Third time, how do I look?"
"Beautiful...."
"Third time, how do I look?"
"Beautiful...."
Kelleebabes
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OOOOPS...
Last edited:
MercutioStar
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OOOOPS...
Ut oh, were you a bad girl?
MercutioStar
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Ha! You win a fruit basket
MercutioStar
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What did the slutty ghost eat for her birthday?
Boo-kkake
Boo-kkake
MilwSoccerGuy
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A Jewish kids asks his dad, "hey dad, can I have $50?"
His father replies, "$40? What do you need $30 for?"
His father replies, "$40? What do you need $30 for?"
Cicca_Jai
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A Jewish kids asks his dad, "hey dad, can I have $50?"
His father replies, "$40? What do you need $30 for?"
Yeah, that's just offensive...
MilwSoccerGuy
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Really? Sorry, I think it's pretty funny.
Leigh81
Live life 110%
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There's no such thing as an offensive joke
My mom sent me this
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags . Then try 50-lb potato bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level).
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
L
Lord Pmann
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Nah. Not offensive. As a half black, half white, half jew, half Asian, I take no offense.
Shalom, my good man.
MercutioStar
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MercutioStar
I think I love you!
A joke thread is just what was missing!
I am happy to be able to service you
MercutioStar
Literotica Guru
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MercutioStar
Literotica Guru
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Yah. Im going to hell
Leigh81
Live life 110%
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John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you
remember that good-looking widow
from the farm we stayed at on our
ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle
of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed
about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name
instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.'
'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
L
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you
remember that good-looking widow
from the farm we stayed at on our
ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle
of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed
about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name
instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.'
'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
L
QuietLibrarian
Too Sexy for my Socks
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Careful what you wish for...I have a collection of puns.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
(With apologies IN ADVANCE to ANYONE who thinks this was meant as racist...)
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
(With apologies IN ADVANCE to ANYONE who thinks this was meant as racist...)
QuietLibrarian
Too Sexy for my Socks
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Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
