Advice needed

(I hope I'm posting this in the correct place)

I'm a 23 year old female currently having a difficult time in her relationship. I love my boyfriend but our sexual preferences are starting to impact our relationship. I'm submissive and enjoy kinky sex. He does not like to play into my need for a dominant man. He's so reluctant, I haven't even told him that I'm into DD/lg. I'm honestly afraid that he'd freak out. How do couples make it work when one partner needs something that the other is unable to give? I really love this man, but I love my sexual side as well. I feel so unfifilled by our sex life and every time I try to speak to him about trying new things he shuts down. I feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place and I just don't know what to do.

Satisfyme21 said:

(I hope I'm posting this in the correct place)

I'm a 23 year old female currently having a difficult time in her relationship. I love my boyfriend but our sexual preferences are starting to impact our relationship. I'm submissive and enjoy kinky sex. He does not like to play into my need for a dominant man. He's so reluctant, I haven't even told him that I'm into DD/lg. I'm honestly afraid that he'd freak out. How do couples make it work when one partner needs something that the other is unable to give? I really love this man, but I love my sexual side as well. I feel so unfifilled by our sex life and every time I try to speak to him about trying new things he shuts down. I feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place and I just don't know what to do.

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Hi and welcome!

Lots of people deal with similar situations and there's no one answer that suits everybody.

Have you told him that you feel unfulfilled? Maybe he doesn't understand how important submission is to you. He might be more willing to at least try to dominate you if he knew the situation.

Or he might not be willing or after trying he might find out it really isn't for him at all, in which case you're left with a few options.

1. Stay with him and learn to find satisfaction in other aspects of your sexuality and your relationship.
2. Talk with him about opening your relationship so that you can get your kink itch scratched with someone else.
3. Break up.

If you choose to stay with him, think about if you can deal with the situation in the long run. How would you feel about not having your submission needs met in a year, in five years, in ten, in fifty? Is your love for him and his love for you enough? It's a good idea to think about how you would deal with disappointment, frustration, even regret down the road.

People change and relationships change. Just because he doesn't find the idea of dominating you appealing now doesn't mean he can't get into it later on. You might lose interest in kink as well and be perfectly happy without it. But on the other hand I don't think you should stay with him waiting and wanting for that to happen. It's not fair to him and it's not fair to you.

If you end up opening your relationship, make sure to keep the lines of communication open. I would not recommend going behind his back, that will most likely come back to haunt you in one form or another.

I hope you can find a solution that will work for both of you.

I agree with the above.

The first and foremost thing would be to have an honest serious conversation. Making sure that he knows exactly what you like and want. Making sure he knows you feel unfulfilled and depressed about it. Making sure he explains you honestly how he feels, what possible reasons he has for being reluctant.

Obviously, you two need to find a consensus, and that starts with laying your cards out. You can be scared he'll freak out, but he won't, at least not to a point of breaking up or it impacting your relationship. Just make sure the conversation is calm and in a comfortable situation (not in bed or romantic one, not in a public place). Just call him to the living room and say you really need to talk and discuss things that are important to you.

If you still feel scared, just picture him in his place. Imagine your boyfriend nervously telling you that he's into something that you find really weird, like scat or something else. Even if you are completely not into it and are not ready to accomodate him - chances are you will explain your concerns but it's not like you'll break up there and then. You'd try to make your way around his fetish, and that's pretty much the most he'll probably do.

Now, I stress it again, it's important to get him talking. The "I'm just not into it" is not an answer you should be satisfied with. If it was a neutral thing to it - he'd casually do it for you just to make you happy - like myself, I can do anal sex on request, I just don't find that's something I want.
Get him to explain his concerns. If he starts showing signs of anxiety or that he's uncomfortable about you pressing the issue - reassure him and still mildly push him to talk. I would not recommend trying to play a guess game, because it's too easy for him to get an easy way out without being totally honest. Use it as a last resort.

So, with any luck you've heard his reasons, he's heard yours. Now it's up to the two of you to reach consensus.
Chances are, he's not repulsed by an image of a tied up girl. In fact, you'll be hard pressed to find a man who is. Most probably his reluctance lies in something silly, here are a few possibilities:
1) Misconceptions. He has a defined picture of BDSM in his head about a mean "dickhead" master and an abused slave, and he doesn't like it.
You could try to remedy it by playing to his strengths, explaining how HE, with all the merits of his personality, could be a great master for you. Dominant could be a dick, yes, but he could always be a kind, loving, gentle person. He doesn't need to be a "pretend r@pist" to be a dom.
2) He's reluctant about certain aspects. Delivering pain can be especially hard. Or punishment.
Here, you should move slowly. Say (for now) that you are totally fine not doing those things, that you two can concentrate on stuff that he doesn't feel bad about. Holding your hands behind your back, ordering you around in bed. There are many ways to ease into it very very gently, you just need to let your imagination run. There may be things that a person will never do, but I'm sure you can still get a lot of what you want, if just you take time to work through it.
3) He's afraid of hurting you, turning you off of him. Again, this problem mainly lies in a misconceptions about his behaviour patterns. He feels that he'll be acting lick a dick.
What you will need here, is to convince him to include at least one thing in your sex life. Ask him to spank you. Ask him to hold your hands in bed. And then, make sure to sweaten the pill as much as you can, by telling him how well he did and how much you loved it, etc.

There could be other stuff. Don't hesitate to ask here about any specific problems that he has, and I'm sure we could recommend you ways of action.

Good luck!

I agree with everything that the previous posters have said. But I noticed that neither of them mentioned that your boyfriend might also be submissive. His reluctance to take the dominant role might lay in his own need to be the submissive one. And I am not sure there is a way to work around that. Unless you look for someone who is willing to take a couple as subs. Or you take turns in the dominant role.

I wish you the best of luck in working thu this.

lilcuriouscatt said:

I agree with everything that the previous posters have said. But I noticed that neither of them mentioned that your boyfriend might also be submissive. His reluctance to take the dominant role might lay in his own need to be the submissive one. And I am not sure there is a way to work around that. Unless you look for someone who is willing to take a couple as subs. Or you take turns in the dominant role.

I wish you the best of luck in working thu this.

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There's actually a way.
He's submissive, you are too. Both of you make a sacrafice of dominating each other from time to time.
And you switch between those roles.

I actually can't really imagine how someone can be a sub (or a dom) and never get turned on by exploring the other side. Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but I think all of us kinky people will be at least OK with providing out loved ones with the pleasure that we ourselves crave and love.

Satisfyme21 said:

(I hope I'm posting this in the correct place)

I'm a 23 year old female currently having a difficult time in her relationship. I love my boyfriend but our sexual preferences are starting to impact our relationship. I'm submissive and enjoy kinky sex. He does not like to play into my need for a dominant man. He's so reluctant, I haven't even told him that I'm into DD/lg. I'm honestly afraid that he'd freak out. How do couples make it work when one partner needs something that the other is unable to give? I really love this man, but I love my sexual side as well. I feel so unfifilled by our sex life and every time I try to speak to him about trying new things he shuts down. I feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place and I just don't know what to do.

Click to expand...

Idk I kinda have the same problem. You can probably convince him to go through the motions eventually but it's not really the same.

Satisfyme21 said:

I'm a 23 year old female currently having a difficult time in her relationship. I love my boyfriend but our sexual preferences are starting to impact our relationship. I'm submissive and enjoy kinky sex. He does not like to play into my need for a dominant man. He's so reluctant, I haven't even told him that I'm into DD/lg. I'm honestly afraid that he'd freak out. How do couples make it work when one partner needs something that the other is unable to give?

Click to expand...

You have written a lot about how you feel - but basically nothing about how your sex life looks like, what you tried to improve it and what your actual expectations are, except some catchphrases.

Satisfyme21 said:

(I hope I'm posting this in the correct place)

I'm a 23 year old female currently having a difficult time in her relationship. I love my boyfriend but our sexual preferences are starting to impact our relationship. I'm submissive and enjoy kinky sex. He does not like to play into my need for a dominant man. He's so reluctant, I haven't even told him that I'm into DD/lg. I'm honestly afraid that he'd freak out. How do couples make it work when one partner needs something that the other is unable to give? I really love this man, but I love my sexual side as well. I feel so unfifilled by our sex life and every time I try to speak to him about trying new things he shuts down. I feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place and I just don't know what to do.

Click to expand...

This may not be the answer you're looking for but as i approach 50 I've learned a few things along the way..
One of them being sexual compatibility is a real thing. You're young and not married yet, you may wanna consider bailing on the relationship and finding somebody you click with a bit more.

I think that your situation is a tough one. I have, over the years, met so many men cheating on their wives with the excuse that their wives are not meeting their sexual needs. Please don't stay in a relationship where your sexual needs are not being met. It will never get any better.

AngusBridie said:

This may not be the answer you're looking for but as i approach 50 I've learned a few things along the way..
One of them being sexual compatibility is a real thing. You're young and not married yet, you may wanna consider bailing on the relationship and finding somebody you click with a bit more.

Click to expand...

Not to be a pessimist, but being somewhat older and having gone through something analogous I tend to agree with this view. You (addressing the OP) don't say how long you've been in the relationship, so it might be too early to know for certain, but, generally speaking, people don't change, and people go through a lot of heartache in their lives hoping that their partners will change. Usually, they don't.

You have nothing to lose by forcing a conversation with him. Make it happen. If he absolutely will not engage with you, you have your answer: move on. If he will, then you can find out the answer in the course of the conversation.

Fortune favors the bold.

Without making a big ass wall of text.......

As many others have said, talk to him.

Explain your fears to him first.

Tell him what you need in order to do this conversation such as

• him to have an open mind and heart,
• to remember that you are friends and lovers,
• to be generous in this conversation,
• to offer hugs.
• To please not make a snap "no" decision,
• to honestly and informatively think about it.

Offer him some reading material.

Inform him that you want this because you have trust and faith and desire for him always.

Tell him we can start slow perhaps, see how it goes? Talk about what that looks like.

And also you must tell him.....that if he says no, that you will respect that.


And if he does indeed still refuse, then you must decide on where to go from there.

You will need all your courage, strength, heart, and grace for this.

You can do this. Trust yourself.

MistressMoira said:

I think that your situation is a tough one. I have, over the years, met so many men cheating on their wives with the excuse that their wives are not meeting their sexual needs. Please don't stay in a relationship where your sexual needs are not being met. It will never get any better.

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As a married man who has had to find an outlet for his kinky, D/s sexual needs elsewhere, I agree 100%. When someone is a sexual being, your urges and needs never leave. And if there is a lack of compatibility, it will fester and cause longer term issues, resentment, lack of sex life, etc.

My advice as hard as it is, is to likely end the relationship. You have real needs and you owe it to yourself and to your BF to find someone who can fulfill your needs in your relationship.

Happy to talk over PM...good luck.

I have had experience with guys that are shy and nervous, and with me being a sub but confident they don't satisfy me. They don't take the lead and are so nervous it kills the mood. I just had an experience this morning with someone like that, I have visited him twice and tried to wait until his nerves had dissipated and wanted to give him a chance to get used to me. But ultimately the whole experience with him turned me off, he just could take the lead and go with it xx