I'm saying that only if you're sure that you want be 100% invested in someone, should you marry. The precise composition of that marriage might vary from one arrangement to another, but it's still a major commitment, at least to me. I understand that people might have arrangements that might permit them to have sex outside the marriage (polygynous, polyandrous, and other polygamous marriages are obviously different).
Polyamorous relationships are a choice... but I find it difficult enough to balance work, girlfriends, my family, and other friends. The more people you add to the mix, the more chances there are for things to get fucked up. Things work as long as everyone is happy. Things go to shit the minute someone isn't happy. What happens when someone doesn't want to abide by an agreed upon limitation? What happens when someone wants to change the rules and someone else doesn't want to? (Democracy in relationships sounds great except when you are the trampled-upon minority.) What happens when somebody isn't happy playing second fiddle? What happens when people take sides in a conflict?
Yes... but we're only human. The more people you add, the more things that can get fucked up.
Technically, if one strays, the other is cuckold/cucquean, irrespective of knowledge or how it is 'dealt with'. Just saying.
Statistically, second and third marriages have a higher chance of failure. Why? Because people don't change (very much). I saw this with one family friend who got divorced because he cheated. He remarried. About seven years later, he got divorced... because he cheated. Let's say that I wasn't surprised. He simply never changed.
Change can be good, bad, both, or indifferent. The law of gravity hasn't changed... and we should be glad for that. (Technically, the scientific laws have been refined as our body of knowledge grows and becomes more precise.) Scientific theories change, but the model of scientific method has not changed very much. Rot is change, but it isn't good change if it's in the walls of your house. Shifting ground is change, but it isn't good change if it's under your foundation. Both the communists and fascists promised change in Europe and Asia. I don't think you will find many who would say that the changes that they wrought were entirely good. ;-)
Infidelity was involved in over half of divorces, even when it was not the primary cause.
I would not necessarily agree. Yes, most cases of female infidelity that I know of involved emotional infidelity, often leading to sexual infidelity. However, many cases involved boredom (husband was at work and the children, if any, were at school). A good number involved coworkers or internet chat/e-mail partners (particularly the case with stay-at-home wives). When when men or women spend more time with people other than their spouse, whether it is in person or virtually, it is a formula for infidelity.
Most people (~59%) who cheat are never caught... or at least, they claim not to have gotten caught (83% men and 95% women). But that is likely due to the degree of infidelity (most consider flirting to be cheating, but it has very low risk attached to it), the circumstances (cheating that stays online or restricted to 'sexting' never requires you to leave home--or wherever you were supposed to be), and the frequency (most affairs are brief, with 29% lasting a week or less, 47% a month or less, with 65% ending it before six months). However, if you do get caught, the chances of the marriage surviving the long term are very low. Infidelity played a part in 54% of divorces, according to a 2007 survey. (A survey of marriage counselors found that most marriages survived infidelity in the near-term, but most of them ultimately failed in the long-term.)
According to one survey, 23% of women who cheated believed that they were justified in cheat, while 18% of men felt they were justified in cheating. However, only 13% of cheaters were glad that they cheated, with 49% feeling guilt, 39% regretting their decision, 32% feeling more stressed, and 25% feeling sadness because of their affair. Cheating generally doesn't bring happiness to the cheater.
From the 2007 survey, here are the top reasons for actually having a sex with someone else after committing to their partner (just 19% of males and 12% of females):
What someone wants versus what they get are two different things.
Men use affection to get sex. Women use sex to get affection.
Interestingly, about 76% of the 2007 survey respondents indicated that they were 'too much in love' to be unfaithful and 20% of those having an affair claimed to have stopped their affair due to love of their partner/spouse. However, it's interesting to note that the number two reason for not having an affair was the risk of losing their partner/spouse (68%).
I agree.
Everyone wants to have their cake and eat it, too.
I agree and most people would probably agree with you. In the 2007 survey, most (73% of women and 53% of men) consider flirting (including sexy e-mails and texts) to be cheating. Most (about 66% of both men and women) consider sexy chats and webcams to be cheating. Many (21% of women and 12% of men) consider fantasizing about others to be cheating.
Exactly! Full disclosure from the beginning is important. That's the reason why my ex-girlfriends never hated me (though two of them stalked me for a while). I never lied to them and promised (explicitly or implicitly) that I was looking to make the relationship a lifetime commitment.
Keep in mind that, as the surveys pointed out, what precisely constitutes cheating varies significantly. For goodness sakes, fantasizing and porn is considered cheating by many! Flirting was considered cheating... yet many here would probably disagree. At the very least, I suspect that most would not classify flirting as an "affair". Regardless, when it comes to brass tacks, that is actual sex, whether oral or otherwise, the numbers drop down to 19% for men and 12% for women. So if a person's definition of "infidelity" is sex in person, then most people don't cheat. On the other hand, if a person's definition of "infidelity" includes fantasy and pornography as cheating, then very, very few people are faithful to their partners.
Interestingly enough, your experience follows many studies. People in the lower income brackets and those that live in apartments, particularly subsidized or government-owned, had higher rates of infidelity than those living in upscale neighborhoods. Cost-benefit certainly does appear to come into play, at least subconsciously.
Cheating might be like art (I know it when I see it), but it carries such emotional weight (and consequences) that many simply prefer to err on the side of caution when it comes to what they publicly consider to be cheating... even if that means that many will run afoul of their own rules at some point.
