The role of protocols

I'm interested in two things with this thread:

The first:
What is the general consensus among Dom(me)'s and sub's about the value (or lack there off) purpose and need for protocols between individual Dom(me)s and their subs, as well as between Dom(me)s or between subs.

The second:
What are the most standard protocols out there? I have mine, but I'm interested in others, and most importantly - why a particular protocol.

Thanks and I look forward ot Y/your input

Protocols; good, bad or indifferent.

I was working on a completely different post for the Blog when I posted a question in Literotica’s BDSM Social Room. As is oft the case, the conversation turned in a way that I had not expected and it gave me the fuel to write this post, perhaps it will drive a discussion in here as well; W/we’ll see.

What are protocols?

Let’s start with the root of the word. It comes from Greek, Prot + Kollan (where Kollan means glue and Prot which refers to a very important piece of paper – the first roll of papyrus which bares the manufacturing date). I think of it as the glue that binds society (any lifestyle in particular) together – in the truly important things. It keeps people from accidentally offending each other.

There are simple examples of valuable protocols that are quickly imparted upon the uninitiated. In vanilla life, the first thing we teach our children is to say “thank you” and “please”. That is a common protocol. In the alternate lifestyles, protocols bring the same civility to the interaction between people. The one that makes so much sense that should become a part of the vanilla world, is the one found in the swinging lifestyle; where No, means No. It has no offensive connotation to it, it just simply means no.

In the BDSM lifestyle the protocols are similar in nature, and are based on the simple set of rules (with an author’s prerogative to expand on what has been written): respectful, safe, sane and consensual. I will focus mostly on the “respectful” aspect of the protocols I’ve learned.

One of the things that differentiate the vanilla world from the BDSM world is the respect that is first granted as a matter of courtesy and then earned as a matter of practice in exchanges between the submissive and the Dominant or between submissives or Dominants. The vanilla world could learn a great deal from the less PC (politically correct) subcultures. If O/one simply asks O/oneself if the action or words they’re about to take or use are respectful or not, then they are a long way towards being accepted into the D/s and M/s worlds.

I was taught as a child, back in the old country by My grandfather, that one must first “give” respect before O/one can earn respect. I find that teaching as useful today as I found it hard to understand when I was growing up. I give respect to any submissive or Dominant I speak with – until they prove unworthy, and even then I respectfully end the conversation or relationship because I know from experience that two wrongs don’t make a right: not today, not tomorrow, not next week, not ever! (e.g., in the cyber exchange a quick way to show respect for someone is not to shorten or abbreviate their screen name; don’t use MNM for Master_n_Mentor or TQ for TantrickQuestor unless you’ve been told it is acceptable)

I have certain protocols that I teach as I work with any submissive. They boil down to the reality, at least in my mind, that you cannot be in strict formal D or M / s protocol all the time – but respect must be the underlying theme in all forms and modes of My protocol. These are: at ease, formal, and slave modes. I’ll expand on each so that they may generate conversation and interaction with all who read this blog.



At Ease:

It sounds like it’s the simplest of the three, yet I believe it may be the hardest. Many a submissive has asked if they should call Me Sir or Master in this mode. The answer is, you may, and you may not; whatever feels more at comfortable for you.

In the “at ease” mode, the submissive must:

I also refer to this one, in real life, as the “blend into the vanilla world of the family and the kids” mode.



Formal:

Just as the title implies it has more strict protocols (or rules) that the submissive and the Dominant must follow, and I’ll start in the cyber world and end with the addition of the real life and in person rules.


So, you may be asking, what is the purpose of the “Formal” mode protocol? It is to help her focus on her role. It is to give her a solid footing from which to launch her exploration of new boundaries and new experiences. It should become her comfort zone where she feels the fullness of her submission, and His approval and appreciation for it.



Slave Mode:

The slave mode builds upon the formal mode and requires the submissive to concentrate further in her chosen role in the D/s relationship she’s in, so all of the rules of the “Formal” mode apply and new responsibilities are added to her.

Cyber World and Real Life


Throughout the whole of the “slave” mode He is responsible for helping her focus her mind on her role and He must recognize, correct and reward her behavior. This is the most formal mode and should be used when the lessons she’s being taught are the most significant. It focuses her mind completely to her role and can be used to facilitate staying in her role during scenes by helping her to remain focused.

I honestly hope to get the discussion going on this topic. It is very important that the Dominant and the submissive both understand their rights and responsibilities in the D or M/s relationship. Each Dominant and each submissive should negotiate the meaning of each one of “their” agreed upon protocol, so long as it maintains the fundamental requirement of: Respect first, safe, sane and consensual as a result of the first.

Thank you for posting this topic its of immense interest to me . I have read through it only once to date so I will leave off from too many comments at this point.

First permit me to say I enjoy and appreciate 'protocols/rituals'. Having said that I believe outside of the most general of vanilla courtesies feel the rest is open to the individual couple as they see fit.

Adherence to some you have noted or more to the point lack of adherence would not dilute the status of the parties involved. Many you have mentioned in regards to a Slave and Master relationship I fail to see as practical in real life. Having said that 'intent' counts for a great deal. Often it is in fact enough if respect is known then its implied also within any context .

I think perhaps it may be useful to be quite specific in regards to comments such as

"1) The submissive refers to the Dominant as “Sir” or “Master” until it is made clear to her that she may use another respectful form (e.g., capitalizing their first name)

I am uncertain here whether you are referring to a submissive owned by yourself or submissives in general. Actually you have here a personal thorn of mine. Doms that expect any/all submissive to use the term 'Master' with their name when the submissive is not owned by them and submissives whom use the term under the same misinformed pretence. The other being 'Sir' used in generality and often within the context of what I consider 'ego enhancing' .

I haven't much more time for this topic this morning though look forward to an ongoing repore of such. Again many thanks.

I will keep this simple. I use rules, protocols and rituals to guide my slave. I keep the number at a minimum, because the idea is to simplify my life, not to make it more complicated. Since they are few, I can be consistent with their maintenance and I can gauge if slave is in compliance. I do not have to micro-manage the relationship.

Eb

@}-}rebecca---- said:

"1) The submissive refers to the Dominant as “Sir” or “Master” until it is made clear to her that she may use another respectful form (e.g., capitalizing their first name)

I am uncertain here whether you are referring to a submissive owned by yourself or submissives in general. Actually you have here a personal thorn of mine. Doms that expect any/all submissive to use the term 'Master' with their name when the submissive is not owned by them and submissives whom use the term under the same misinformed pretence. The other being 'Sir' used in generality and often within the context of what I consider 'ego enhancing' .

I haven't much more time for this topic this morning though look forward to an ongoing repore of such. Again many thanks.

Click to expand...

rebecca,

Thank you for presenting this point. In humble opinion, there are two different "Sir" utilization. There is the one where it is used simply as a show of polite - as opposed to owned - respect for a Dominant. Once they act in a way where they loose your generally polite respect then it should be dropped. As you point out there are other ways to show respect that do not require the use of the "Sir" or "Madam" (e.g., not short cutting "@}-}rebecca----" with rebecca, or becca or... {fill in the blank})

In tend to agree that too many Cyber "Wannabe" Dom's think that the "Sir" / "Madam" is a requirement not as the gift from the submissive (as it should be) but as a demand from the Dom(me).

I look forward to further input from you...

Ebonyfire said:

I will keep this simple. I use rules, protocols and rituals to guide my slave. I keep the number at a minimum, because the idea is to simplify my life, not to make it more complicated. Since they are few, I can be consistent with their maintenance and I can gauge if slave is in compliance. I do not have to micro-manage the relationship.

Eb

Click to expand...

Ebonyfire, I would be indebted to you, if you'd consider sharing the brief list of protocols, rituals and rules that would apply to this thread.

Protocols or Rituals

These are the basic protocols that are revised as I see fit.

1.The greeting protocol. (Bowing and kissing of the feet.)
2.The kneeling protocol. (Beside Mistress at required times.)
3.Addressing the Dominant. (As” Mistress," “Ma'am” etc.)
4.Walking protocols. (Usually the submissive behind the Dominant (if she desires it)
5.Posture protocols. (Head bowed.)
6. Eye contact (no direct eye contact unless given permission )
7.Verbiage protocols. ("May I make a request?" instead of "Can I...?")
8.Eating protocols. (Slave feeding the Mistress in a specified manner.)
9.Presentation for punishment. (Ass up, face down.)
10.Beverage service. When a slave brings the Mistress his beverage, before it is served, the glass is unobtrusively kissed and held until accepted, or permission is given to set it down.
11.Bathroom protocols (no privacy unless given my Mistress, asking permission, crawling to and from bathroom etc.).
12.Worship. (Meaning the object/ body part/ toy, boot, item of apparel designated by the Mistress is to be kissed or licked until the order is given to stop.)

Rules

Rules

Rules are necessary to achieve a degree of consistency and to remind us of the things we are working on. Rules will be discussed, reviewed and amended often to prevent boredom and to help the relationship evolve and mature.

Rule Number 1:

You are Mine, owned completely by Me. You are to comply with these rules to the best of your ability and will do your best to serve and please Me at all times. You are encouraged to experiment with new things that you believe will enhance our lives.

Rule Number 2:

You will always wear the collar* at other times by My request. It is a symbol of My love for you, your love for Me, and marks your status as My slave. I promise that I will look after you and care for you to the best of my abilities. I will never act in anger, and I will be honest and forthright with you as you are with Me.

*collar – is the agreed upon physical symbol that must be worn or carried on your person at all times. This symbol represents your status of slave and is the property of your Mistress and is given as a gift to you.


Rule Number 3:
When asking permissions or questions, you will kneel (where practicable). If you wish to express an opinion or problem, you will ask permission FIRST.

Rule Number 4:

I expect all body and pubic hair to be removed or trimmed as I require**
**This is something to be discussed and negotiated after My first inspection of My Property.

Rule Number 5:

You are expected to keep yourself as healthy as possible. As will I. Your input on My health is both expected and invaluable.

Rule Number 6:

You must ask permission to pleasure yourself and for release.

Rule Number 7:

You must keep in touch. I expect a minimum of one email daily, one phone call weekly when W/we are apart. It is important for you to show respect by keeping me informed of what is going on with you. I am not into micromanaging your time, but I expect to know what is going on with you in a general way.

Rule Number 8:

Public (non lifestyle) Behavior

You may address Me by my name or with some other endearment when we are around others who are not familiar or comfortable with our lifestyle.

With lifestyle couples I will expect you to call the Domme "Ma'am" unless given permission to address Her in another way. I am your Mistress, and you will NOT address another as Mistress.


Rule Number 9:

Furniture (in my presence):

You will kneel in silence when I come into the bedroom.
Outside the bedroom you will stand when I enter and ask if you may get anything for Me, then you will seek the floor at all times unless I invite you to sit elsewhere.
You may sit or kneel so you are comfortable. This should include resting your head on my legs and being close to Me.
The kitchen is an exception - here you need not kneel unless asked by Me but should stand, legs slightly apart, hands clasped behind your back.


General Rules when we are alone

When I ask you to get Me something you will get the item and bring it to Me.

In private, you will kneel in front of Me (see the positions file) and with both hands outstretched holding the item (in the presence of others you will standing, offer the item to me with respect). After I have taken the item from your hands, you are to remain in position until I give you permission to do otherwise.

When I place an item in front of you, I expect you to kiss that item lightly. For example, I may place the crop in front of you to kiss before or after it has been used on you.


Bedtime Rule:

When given permission to go to bed, you may prepare and:

a) if at the same time as Me, fold back my side of the bed and when ready kneel awaiting permission to get into bed;

b) if before me, do as above, getting out of bed and kneeling when I enter the room (if you are already asleep it is up to Me to decide whether or not to wake you);

c) if after me, kneel as for (a), unless I am asleep, you slip quietly into bed.

Additional Rules

Additional rules will be added and necessary.

That is about it. I have diagrams that show the positions I prefer to different things and that is about it.

These are basic and are changed as I see fit to keep boredom away and to keep slave on his feet.

QuietlyMakingNoise said:

rebecca,

Thank you for presenting this point. In humble opinion, there are two different "Sir" utilization. There is the one where it is used simply as a show of polite - as opposed to owned - respect for a Dominant. Once they act in a way where they loose your generally polite respect then it should be dropped. As you point out there are other ways to show respect that do not require the use of the "Sir" or "Madam" (e.g., not short cutting "@}-}rebecca----" with rebecca, or becca or... {fill in the blank})

In tend to agree that too many Cyber "Wannabe" Dom's think that the "Sir" / "Madam" is a requirement not as the gift from the submissive (as it should be) but as a demand from the Dom(me).

I look forward to further input from you...

Click to expand...

Within D/s Lifestyle as is my experience its my choice unless owned and directed otherwise not to use the term 'Sir' in generality. It is a word that conveys real meaning to me and I will not address anyone as Sir unless it meets my own personal criteria.

I do understand that there are several different contexts involved. In the case that I am in service 'owned' as its specified as my Dominants want then so be it. Let me also qualify that by not using it in general relationships outside of that very often it does not just 'roll off the tongue' with me. It surpasses respect in this context and becomes unique/reverent. I also do not see it as a 'gift' its an expression equatable with the real strengths of character I appreciate in Dominants , these of course range depending on the individual and are not some checklist I have formulated. Its often an obtuse and unique expression that hinges on my ability to address a Dominant as Sir with true sincerity.

"Once they act in a way where they loose your generally polite respect then it should be dropped."

I for one would not be comfortable doing this. Its a deliberate slight and would be bad mannered to me.

""@}-}rebecca----" with rebecca, or becca or... {fill in the blank})"

As far as this is concerned common sense should prevail. I do not nor have I ever 'expected' anyone to type my name online with the embelishments I chose for myself on whim. I think intent has much to do with this. I prefer rebecca, I do not like being called 'becca'. Having said that many do and I am not slightly affronted because I know the person using it does so with a modicum of affection for me.I often change peoples names slightly and its a term of endearment on my part. If asked to use a specific name in general terms I will comply.

EDIT Just to be clear my personal observations are in reference to day to day 24/7 living and not set 'scene' times. If I wander into that area in my comments further down the line of this thread I will make that clear. End of Edit

Well, for Master and I we are in a 24/7 situation. So our daily vanilla lives mingle with our lifestyle lives. I am always his slave, he is always my Master. So I ask permission for a smoke, or to go to the bathroom, or to give him a kiss or what not. He'll often just tell or request things of me during the day.

Since I work at home, my day time work time is my own but since he is retired and with me during the day, if he calls me or needs anything I of course am there to comply.

Most of our scening is done in the evening or when my son is with his Dad. We have a housemate, and since we don't wish her to feel left out we usually play in the bedroom unless she's asleep, then it's in other parts of the house.

Master has allowed me to sit on the couch with him, because he likes to feel me next to him, so we cuddle. Most of the time my head is on his lap. Otherwise there are times I sit on the floor by him. When my son is around, the whole relationship is there, but played down abit because my son is younger (9 almost 10).

I do wear a collar full time (it is one of those eternity collars that locks on my neck) and my son is aware what it is, he actually thinks it is pretty cool. He knows I belong to Master and we haven't really discussed lifestyle with him yet. We'll save that until he's older. Master and he are getting to be great buddies which is wonderful.

As far as other protocols go, most of the ones you mentioned apply to our relationship, but they are more like breathing, so I don't even think about them anymore.

That's about all I can add here. Hope that helps!

Ebonyfire said:

These are the basic protocols that are revised as I see fit.

1.The greeting protocol. (Bowing and kissing of the feet.)
2.The kneeling protocol. (Beside Mistress at required times.)
3.Addressing the Dominant. (As” Mistress," “Ma'am” etc.)
4.Walking protocols. (Usually the submissive behind the Dominant (if she desires it)
5.Posture protocols. (Head bowed.)
6. Eye contact (no direct eye contact unless given permission )
7.Verbiage protocols. ("May I make a request?" instead of "Can I...?")
8.Eating protocols. (Slave feeding the Mistress in a specified manner.)
9.Presentation for punishment. (Ass up, face down.)
10.Beverage service. When a slave brings the Mistress his beverage, before it is served, the glass is unobtrusively kissed and held until accepted, or permission is given to set it down.
11.Bathroom protocols (no privacy unless given my Mistress, asking permission, crawling to and from bathroom etc.).
12.Worship. (Meaning the object/ body part/ toy, boot, item of apparel designated by the Mistress is to be kissed or licked until the order is given to stop.)

Click to expand...

Thank You, this adds a great deal of clarity as to your earlier observation and I hope brings further comments to the thread.

Ebonyfire said:

Rules

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This has both given me a great deal to think about as I work with My wife and submissive, and something that should bring many thoughts and additions to the thread.

Thanks once again...

malcah_ms said:

Well, for Master and I we are in a 24/7 situation. So our daily vanilla lives mingle with our lifestyle lives. I am always his slave, he is always my Master. So I ask permission for a smoke, or to go to the bathroom, or to give him a kiss or what not. He'll often just tell or request things of me during the day.

Since I work at home, my day time work time is my own but since he is retired and with me during the day, if he calls me or needs anything I of course am there to comply.

Most of our scening is done in the evening or when my son is with his Dad. We have a housemate, and since we don't wish her to feel left out we usually play in the bedroom unless she's asleep, then it's in other parts of the house.

Master has allowed me to sit on the couch with him, because he likes to feel me next to him, so we cuddle. Most of the time my head is on his lap. Otherwise there are times I sit on the floor by him. When my son is around, the whole relationship is there, but played down abit because my son is younger (9 almost 10).

I do wear a collar full time (it is one of those eternity collars that locks on my neck) and my son is aware what it is, he actually thinks it is pretty cool. He knows I belong to Master and we haven't really discussed lifestyle with him yet. We'll save that until he's older. Master and he are getting to be great buddies which is wonderful.

As far as other protocols go, most of the ones you mentioned apply to our relationship, but they are more like breathing, so I don't even think about them anymore.

That's about all I can add here. Hope that helps!

Click to expand...

Sounds like a really beautiful relationship.

I've always been fairly low protocol. I have some admiration for those with the discipline and patience to enforce protocol, but its just not in the cards for me right now. I do expect slightly more formal behavior from submissives I play with casually than my primary partner.

Ebonyfire said:

I will keep this simple. I use rules, protocols and rituals to guide my slave. I keep the number at a minimum, because the idea is to simplify my life, not to make it more complicated. Since they are few, I can be consistent with their maintenance and I can gauge if slave is in compliance. I do not have to micro-manage the relationship.

Eb

Click to expand...

Great outlook on this topic Eb. I also appreciated you sharing your rules and protocols. They seem very practical. Strong enough as a set guide, yet flexible in nature to allow for practicality.

Really enjoyed them, thank you for sharing.

I basically googled the topics, and downloaded the information. Then I formulated the stuff I liked and deleted the stuff that I didn't.

All of these things can be changed or revised depending on the scope of the relationship.

My motto is less is best.

Eb

Ebonyfire said:

I basically googled the topics, and downloaded the information. Then I formulated the stuff I liked and deleted the stuff that I didn't.

All of these things can be changed or revised depending on the scope of the relationship.

My motto is less is best.

Eb

Click to expand...

Hmmm, that brings up a modification of the old KISS principle to Keep It Simple (for the) submissive KISs

I guess I'm with the minimalist crowd; As either Dominant or submissive, I work best in an environment where I don't have to remember twenty thousand things; I prefer to operate in general principles than exact rules. Respect is key. Trust is built, and Deference flows from the confluence of Trust and Respect. Rules regarding forms of address, and the like are too artificial to me; I'd be embarrassed beyond words to be addressed as "Master", and the thought of using either "Master" or "Mistress" gives me giggle fits. In the right circumstances, being called "Sir" works, and I could use "Ma'am" or "Sir", or "Miss" without issues.

Then again, I like bratty women; not all the way to full-blown SAM, but suitably bratty, if that makes sense. And that doesn't lend itself well to the more formal protocols I've seen.

SpectreT said:

I guess I'm with the minimalist crowd; As either Dominant or submissive, I work best in an environment where I don't have to remember twenty thousand things; I prefer to operate in general principles than exact rules. Respect is key. Trust is built, and Deference flows from the confluence of Trust and Respect. Rules regarding forms of address, and the like are too artificial to me; I'd be embarrassed beyond words to be addressed as "Master", and the thought of using either "Master" or "Mistress" gives me giggle fits. In the right circumstances, being called "Sir" works, and I could use "Ma'am" or "Sir", or "Miss" without issues.

Then again, I like bratty women; not all the way to full-blown SAM, but suitably bratty, if that makes sense. And that doesn't lend itself well to the more formal protocols I've seen.

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Well that is the beauty of it all, you can decide what title is best or even no title at all.

It's all good.

Eb

Marquis said:

Sounds like a really beautiful relationship.

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Thank you so much Marquis! Even though it's later in my life, I am happiest I've ever been. It is what I've always wanted.

Ebonyfire said:

Well that is the beauty of it all, you can decide what title is best or even no title at all.

It's all good.

Eb

Click to expand...

Besides, when your kinks are mainly bondage and spanking, with a little crossdressing, how much protocol do you need? Oh, add "Bitch" and "Slut" to my titles list, now that I've had a chance to think about it, but only if they're used lovingly...

SpectreT said:

Besides, when your kinks are mainly bondage and spanking, with a little crossdressing, how much protocol do you need? Oh, add "Bitch" and "Slut" to my titles list, now that I've had a chance to think about it, but only if they're used lovingly...

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You are asking the wrong person, I bet I could think of a few if given enough time.

Eb

SpectreT said:

I guess I'm with the minimalist crowd;

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There seems to be a delicate balance between too much and not enough. A Dom friend of mine told me the other day, that if a submissive does not have someone to take control, then being a strong woman who understands her origin of her need for sumbmission, will take the control she needs. One way to help her feel the Dominant's presence in her life, is to have some rituals, some rules, and some protocols that keep her thoughts centered in her submission.

I'm truly enjoying where this thread is going; thanks for the post, and I hope you share more.