Rough sex and love.

[Reyhoney]

Can a man have really dominiating BDSM sex with me (which I consent to and enjoy) where he gets to spank me, belt me, cane me, slap me, choke me and even spit on me or in my mouth and call me his whore and slut and still be in love with me?

I guess I’m struggling that someone who loves me would want to slap me on the face. I know it must just be my subconscious and it’s stemming from societal norms but I can’t help feel unloved when this happens, even though I enjoy how it feels physically and he always asks me beforehand.

 

[KimGordon67]

Why do you agree then?
(Genuinely puzzled ... this never makes me feel 'unloved', but if it did, I wouldn't do it.)

 

[Reyhoney]

Why do you agree then?
(Genuinely puzzled ... this never makes me feel 'unloved', but if it did, I wouldn't do it.)

I do enjoy how it feels physically, but I guess when I’m alone again and think of it after the moments passed I start to wonder? I’m new to this, he’s the first guy who has gotten rough with me like this.

Could men do both? Be rough in bed, but still have romantic feelings for you?

 

[KimGordon67]

I do enjoy how it feels physically, but I guess when I’m alone again and think of it after the moments passed I start to wonder? I’m new to this, he’s the first guy who has gotten rough with me like this.

Could men do both? Be rough in bed, but still have romantic feelings for you?

Absolutely. My guy is really rough with me, but the only reason that works is because he loves me and totally has my best interests at heart.
Having said that, I won't abide being insulted or anything else degrading. I know other people enjoy that sort of thing, but I'm definitely not one of them.

 

[KimGordon67]

I've written a somewhat lengthy thread about my slide into being somewhere on the BDSM spectrum - click here. Not all of it is directly relevant to that question, but a skim should take you to the relevant posts, if it's of interest.

 

[Farawyn]

I do enjoy how it feels physically, but I guess when I’m alone again and think of it after the moments passed I start to wonder? I’m new to this, he’s the first guy who has gotten rough with me like this.

Could men do both? Be rough in bed, but still have romantic feelings for you?

Absolutely.

 

[Farawyn]

Does he take care of you after and know about these feelings you have, OP?

 

[KimGordon67]

Does he take care of you after and know about these feelings you have, OP?

Yeah ... this. Being able to crawl into his arms afterwards is essential. He says he loves how it brings me closer to him.

 

[Reyhoney]

Does he take care of you after and know about these feelings you have, OP?

He does, and when he first revealed to me that part of him he was pretty concerned if it would change how I feel about him.

I haven’t told him and I’d rather not, I know his ex did this and told him she felt as if he’s raping her and he said I felt so horrible for so long that he couldn’t get hard with her after.

Like I said I do enjoy it, it’s just the romantic girl in me that didn’t expect this? I guess I expected to have a more sensual sex with him.

 

[KimGordon67]

He does, and when he first revealed to me that part of him he was pretty concerned if it would change how I feel about him.

I haven’t told him and I’d rather not, I know his ex did this and told him she felt as if he’s raping her and he said I felt so horrible for so long that he couldn’t get hard with her after.

Like I said I do enjoy it, it’s just the romantic girl in me that didn’t expect this? I guess I expected to have a more sensual sex with him.

If you're wanting sensual sex, you should have that - tell him that's what you want. Being into some version of BDSM doesn't mean you can't do vanilla as well. And you totally should tell him how you're feeling ... in any relationship, but I think especially one that has some kink to it, clear open communication about this sort of thing is the key to it working well. Also, it's necessary for safety, both physical and emotional.

 

[Reyhoney]

We’ve done sensual vanilla sex especially in the start and it was pretty amazing, he was all about touching and squeezing and eye contact and I loved it all, and I DO enjoy the rough kinky sex, I want to keep having it, it turns me on a lot, so I wouldn’t want it to end at all.

But like I said if does make me wonder if he could really love me but still want to spit on me? I think I’m just struggling with accepting it even though I enjoy it?

 

[Bramblethorn]

answer: yes, because sex is weird and complex and people don't have to make sense.

 

[Blue]

Your problem is that you're presupposing that the acts you mentioned are necessarily abusive, or harmful, or done with malicious intent when from his perspective he does them for the exact polar opposite reasons.

Try some introspection. E.g. You've got the same sort of mentality as people who believe human euthanasia is necessarily immoral because killing people is supposedly always wrong regardless of the context. Or really, anybody who subscribes to any absolute rule.

 

[Reyhoney]

Your problem is that you're presupposing that the acts you mentioned are necessarily abusive, or harmful, or done with malicious intent when from his perspective he does them for the exact polar opposite reasons.

Try some introspection. E.g. You've got the same sort of mentality as people who believe human euthanasia is necessarily immoral because killing people is supposedly always wrong regardless of the context. Or really, anybody who subscribes to any absolute rule.

That’s interesting, and I see your point, that could be it, that I think someone who loves me wouldn’t want to physically hurt me. But what is his perespective when he does them?

 

[ariel58]

Yes, it’s absolutely possible to want to spank someone hard, dominate them and humiliate them and still love them with all your heart, cherish them and want to protect them.

If you enjoy that, but feel unloved, talk to your man. A man who loves you will want to fulfil all your needs as well as his own. Maybe you can alternate rough sex with sensual, romantic lovemaking, according to how you both feel at the time?

How he treats you outside the bedroom may be your best indicator as to his feelings for you.

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

I guess I’m struggling that someone who loves me would want to slap me on the face. I know it must just be my subconscious and it’s stemming from societal norms but I can’t help feel unloved when this happens, even though I enjoy how it feels physically and he always asks me beforehand.

If I’m reading this right ( correct me if I’m not ), in every other respect, your relationship is fulfilling and “ normal “. It’s only in regards to this one aspect that you question the validity of his feelings for you, and only afterwards as you consent to these activities and claim to enjoy them. There also seems to be no problems with aftercare or any sort of hard limits being broken.

To respond to the original rhetoric, if you trust him with you in this manner and he’s never dropped the ball or hurt you, I’d say you have all the proof you need. As for your own moral conundrum, just be honest with yourself. Is it that you truly feel unloved because of this, even though you admittedly have all the evidence to the contrary you could require? Or is it just that deviating from what is generally accepted as traditional expressions of love takes some getting used to, and it’s easier to look outward and say you feel unloved, than look inward and figure out what the real problem is?

 

[SalvDali]

I can fully see where you are coming from here. Having been married to my wife for 15 years before we discovered BDSM, for me, there was a struggle at first that it was OK for me to treat her in such a way. I got over it. It has brought us even closer together than we were before. The "rules" we feel bound by on what is right and wrong by societies standards are not ours. We make our own rules based on what we want, what makes us happy.

I had my doubts about "rough" sex and Love, but if you like rough sex, then it is just sex to you. Even more so I think it means more. It takes more trust.

My guess is the doubt and/or guilt you feel is from what we are programmed to think and believe about Love and sex.

 

[KimGordon67]

I can fully see where you are coming from here. Having been married to my wife for 15 years before we discovered BDSM, for me, there was a struggle at first that it was OK for me to treat her in such a way. I got over it. It has brought us even closer together than we were before. The "rules" we feel bound by on what is right and wrong by societies standards are not ours. We make our own rules based on what we want, what makes us happy.

I had my doubts about "rough" sex and Love, but if you like rough sex, then it is just sex to you. Even more so I think it means more. It takes more trust.

My guess is the doubt and/or guilt you feel is from what we are programmed to think and believe about Love and sex.

Maybe not 'more' per se, but it does (at least it should) involve a significant level of trust ... well, for me anyway.

 

[Reyhoney]

I really really can’t thank you all enough for explaining things to me, I’m still really new to this and there are not enough good online sources to learn from and the porn aspect is terrifying and I don’t want to associate BDSM with just rough porn, cause it’s not the same.

I should also say that my parents hit me a lot as a child, we get along just fine now and I know they love me and I love them, but maybe that has to do with it? I’ve never shared this with him and I won’t cause I do enjoy getting roughed up and want to keep doing it without making him feel awful, but it’s good to know that he could still love me even if he’s doing these things to me. I think I just associated being hit with someone not loving me or caring about me.

He always holds me and comforts me after, and I think that’s a big deal? Maybe do it for longer?

 

[Farawyn]

I really really can’t thank you all enough for explaining things to me, I’m still really new to this and there are not enough good online sources to learn from and the porn aspect is terrifying and I don’t want to associate BDSM with just rough porn, cause it’s not the same.

I should also say that my parents hit me a lot as a child, we get along just fine now and I know they love me and I love them, but maybe that has to do with it? I’ve never shared this with him and I won’t cause I do enjoy getting roughed up and want to keep doing it without making him feel awful, but it’s good to know that he could still love me even if he’s doing these things to me. I think I just associated being hit with someone not loving me or caring about me.

He always holds me and comforts me after, and I think that’s a big deal? Maybe do it for longer?

I hope you talk to him about the childhood hitting. Or someone you trust.
It could change the dynamic. This could be a release for you, or it may trigger you. I hope you keep thinking and talking about it.

 

[KUJACK]

I understand

Sometimes there is a disconnect between rough sex and loving fucking and that disconnects is the most delicious part of lovemaking not being sure that you're being disciplined or being loved to the max
Pain and pleasure is a delicious and wonderful part of sex we all love the idea of being hurt while we are in ecstasy and that disconnect makes sex so wonderful

 

[KimGordon67]

A couple of further thoughts ...

Be sure you're doing this for yourself, and not because it's something he wants. Well, not that the second reason is necessarily problematic in and of itself, but if it's causing you to do things you're not really into, you might want to think about that.

Take things very slowly. I think that's been the key to me being happy in myself about what we've been doing - circumstance has meant I only see my guy every month or two, and we have plenty of time to talk about things between times. Even if you've rushed to begin with (because new relationships are exciting!), there's no reason you can't scale back a bit and move a bit more carefully. Then you end up enjoying each new thing, each escalation, for itself, rather than them just all being a jumble of 'rough sex'.
Well, that's my thinking anyway.

 

[SalvDali]

All of my BDSM experience is with one partner and all within the last 12-18 months so I do not claim to be an expert.

A thought that just grabbed me though is that maybe some of your negative feelings could be part of sub drop. There are some good threads here describing it and methods of coping with it. Even if they aren't related it is definitely something you should educate yourself on in case you do experience it.

I will link to the threads later when I am more awake and not typing on a phone (assuming someone doesn't beat me to it)

 

[Reyhoney]

The thing is I was the one to suggest the more hardcore things like choking, slapping and spitting and maybe him getting excited about me bringing them up is what shocked me? He also said something like he wants to see me cry as I struggle with some of the things he does, or choke me and see me struggle to breathe, my head just couldn’t understand it.

He has made me cry once in real life (he just said something inconsiderate to me that just triggered me) but he instantly kept apologizing and said how it wasn’t okay for him to upset me or make me cry. I guess I’m just trying to find that thin line between real loving feelings, and rough role playing.

Maybe I should keep doing what we like, and stop what triggers me?

 

[HisArpy]

That’s interesting, and I see your point, that could be it, that I think someone who loves me wouldn’t want to physically hurt me. But what is his perespective when he does them?

He's not doing it to "physically hurt" you. He's doing it because you want him to possess you.

From a man's perspective, rough sex is partly domination, partly possessiveness, and partly the ability to actually show off how strong we are while making you like it/us. Let's face it, most women love being taken and pounded by a strong man. Not always, but sometimes. They also like the softer, gentler loving side of sex too. And again, not always. Or all women.

So, other than those times when it's vanilla, when your guy takes you and uses you and does all those things you like and want him to do AND gives you loving aftercare while making you feel safe and secure and happy, ask yourself; are you getting the best of both at the same time?

IF the answer is yes, then you have some proof your guy loves you, no matter what it looks like on the outside. IF the answer is no, then you need to sit down and talk to your guy and put limits on your relationship.

Safe words, boundaries, hard and soft limits, all of these things control when, what, where, and how. That two people can voluntarily agree to follow these rules and actually STICK to them in a world and life that changes daily says something about their relationship.