Worst Song Ever

[Duleigh]

Usually when asked the worst song ever I will answer truthfully and correctly "Everything recorded after 1995" (that's when love songs died and were replaced with "Smack my Bitch Up") There's a lot of songs recorded just for humor sake that were never meant to be taken seriously (I hope that's the case with everything recorded by the New Kids on the Block) But earlier days had their share of garbage but the WORST THING EVER RECORDED by someone thinking it was actual music was

Rocky Racoon

I learned to hate the Beatles for that piece of garbage. So stupid, so simplistic, the vocals were as bad as the lyrics

"Now somewhere in the Black Mountain Hills of Dakota"

W.T.F.

Black Mountain Hills of Dakota?
Lil McGill = Nancy?
It goes on and on painfully, unmelodic brain numbing simplistic notes over and over with the DUMBEST lyrics ever written
This song alone proves beyond a doubt that Paul really did die

 

[MillieDynamite]

This is a hard one, because some "bad" songs have a fun, novelty "they're so bad they're good" quality. I grew up in the 70s, and that decade was filled with songs that fit this bill, like Kung Fu Fighting or Convoy. I would put some of the songs listed so far in that category.

Terry Jacks' Seasons in the Sun has always been, for me, an unredeemably bad, cringe-inducing song. It's about somebody who dies, which is bad enough, but it's sung with unbearable pathos by a singer whose voice makes me want to shoot puppies.

Talk about cringe-worthy, cue up Timothy, Bouys. When I finally figured out what happened to Tim, OH MY GOD, EEEwwww.

I must have blacked out just around then
'Cause the very next thing that I could see
Was the light of the day again
My stomach was full as it could be
And nobody ever got around
To finding Timothy
Timothy

 

[MetaBob]

This is a hard one, because some "bad" songs have a fun, novelty "they're so bad they're good" quality. I grew up in the 70s, and that decade was filled with songs that fit this bill, like Kung Fu Fighting or Convoy. I would put some of the songs listed so far in that category.

Terry Jacks' Seasons in the Sun has always been, for me, an unredeemably bad, cringe-inducing song. It's about somebody who dies, which is bad enough, but it's sung with unbearable pathos by a singer whose voice makes me want to shoot puppies.

You thought Convoy was bad? Silly, sure, but bad? It's one more song in a string that made C.W. McCall and his flat unassuming Midwest inflection into an unlikely star, but it exactly fit what he'd already done before (try listening to his hilarious Wolf Creek Pass, which with his Audubon spawned a multiyear sponsorship for Old Home bread, or Classified) and continued after: ridiculously exaggerated but sweetly sentimental nonstop farmboy-turned-trucker pure wit.

Consider that Convoy got made into a feature film starring Kris Kristofferson and Ali McGraw. Then consider C.W. McCall's (with Mannheim Steamroller backing before they, too, hit it big with Christmas music) arguably offensive stereotyping sequel to Convoy: Around The World With The Rubber Duck, which ends delightfully with "10-10 and do it to it like Pruitt used to do it. To it."

Then, go down the ultimate C.W. McCall rabbit hole with Nishnabota:

Okay, see who remembers this one by Arlo Guthrie. "The Motorcycle song."

I dont want a pickle
I just wanna ride on my morotcycle
And I dont want a tickle
I'd rather ride on my motorcycle
And I dont wanna die
I just wanna ride on my motorcy... cle
It was late last night, the other day
Thought I'd go up and see Ray
So I went up and I saw Ray
There was only one thing Ray could say was I...
I dont want a pickle
I just wanna ride my motorcycle
And I don't want a tickle
I'd rather ride on my motorcycle
And I don't wanna die
Just wanna ride on my motorcy... cle
Late last week I was on my bike
I run into a friend named Mike
Run into a friend named Mike
Mike no longer has a bike he cries...
I don't want a pickle
I just wanna ride on my motorcycle
Yeah, and I don't want a tickle
Cuz I'd rather ride on my motorcycle
And I don't wanna die
Just wanna ride on my motorcy... cle

I love that song!

 

[SimonDoom]

You thought Convoy was bad? Silly, sure, but bad? It's one more song in a string that made C.W. McCall and his flat unassuming Midwest inflection into an unlikely star, but it exactly fit what he'd already done before (try listening to his hilarious Wolf Creek Pass, which with his Audubon spawned a multiyear sponsorship for Old Home bread, or Classified) and continued after: ridiculously exaggerated but sweetly sentimental nonstop farmboy-turned-trucker pure wit.

Consider that Convoy got made into a feature film starring Kris Kristofferson and Ali McGraw. Then consider C.W. McCall's (with Mannheim Steamroller backing before they, too, hit it big with Christmas music) arguably offensive stereotyping sequel to Convoy: Around The World With The Rubber Duck, which ends delightfully with "10-10 and do it to it like Pruitt used to do it. To it."

Then, go down the ultimate C.W. McCall rabbit hole with Nishnabota:

I love that song!

I offered it up as one of many silly, 70s-era novelty songs. It's a goof. It's not offensive and it doesn't make me cringe.

 

[DreamingOfMyEx]

The lyrics, if I remember, go something like this --

We broke up recently.
I've spent all my time since then in bed with some other bitch, strung out on alcohol and cocaine.
I don't want to have to look at you when I'm fucking her.
So your picture is going someplace where I can't see it. Out of sight, out of mind.

But as I recall the music was pretty good, so it became the popular love song of the moment and all the women I knew were cluelessly singing along as though it were a foreign language and they didn't know what the words meant.

 

[jaykaythree]

[Robin Thicke] needs chemical castration [for writing Blurred Lines].

Or let me at him restrained and I’ll give him something big enough to tear his fucking lily white ass in two.

Em

No need to tear his ass ... when we can have a master, and a living world treasure, run circles around it.

 

[djrip]

@EmilyMiller 's thread that went off on a tangent about the song "I've Never Been To Me" got me thinking about bad songs.

A badly written song can be just as painful as a badly written story.

Jarring, badly worded lyrics, terrible rhymes, horrible messages, or just plain stupid nonsense that makes your ears bleed and brain hemorrhage.

I have one to kick it off:

"Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"

At first listen, it's a harmless enough little pop tune with a catchy, sing along chorus.

But then you start to delve into the actual lyrics and meaning.

And it all falls apart.

So the narrator has "been together too long" with his "old lady."

He finds a personal ad in the paper, placed by a woman, responds to it, sets up a meeting, only to find out the ad was placed by his wife, who was bored with him too and looking to cheat with someone else.

They laugh when they recognize each other, and wind up reconciling, discussing how they never realized they were into the same things.

Cute on the surface but in reality, it's a badly written LW tale.

In reality, that story doesn't end with a chuckle over Pina Coladas.

It ends with divorce papers.

Plus, how the hell was this guy with this woman so long yet never knew she liked Pina Coladas?

She never ONCE ordered one when they went out to dinner, or mentioned her fondness of them?

Never sent him to the liquor store to pick up the ingredients?

And I'm sorry, but no one loves "making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape."

They love the IDEA of it, sure.

But the REALITY of it is a gritty mess of sand and bodily fluids that makes me cringe just thinking about it.

I could go on but you get the point.

I have others I'll save for later. Maybe one of you will get to them first.

Coming in late but this reminds me of the idea I had where a married couple both write lit stories, neither aware that the other does, and fall for each other's lit personas, and meet up. Maybe they learn each other's hidden sexual fantasies from their stories in a way they failed to communicate directly. Hey, I never said I go for realism in my writing!

 

[Duleigh]

Some really good suggestions here, but for pure, unadulterated, unrepentant Awful, one needs to experience Loudon Wainwright’s 1972 classic You’ve Got Your Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road.

Trashy, terrible, suitable mainly for drunk 15-year-olds, it did amazingly well on Billboard, etc.

Dead Skunk was trashy and silly, and it was meant to be silly, just like "Uneasy Rider" by Charlie Daniels. I have a certain amount of respect for humorous songs that were meant to be humorous. My hero is Weird Al Yankovich who took those silly 80's songs and made them hilarious. I LOVE the movie Weird on Roku, it's a parody of parody songs.

 

[Duleigh]

You thought Convoy was bad? Silly, sure, but bad? It's one more song in a string that made C.W. McCall and his flat unassuming Midwest inflection into an unlikely star, but it exactly fit what he'd already done before (try listening to his hilarious Wolf Creek Pass, which with his Audubon spawned a multiyear sponsorship for Old Home bread, or Classified) and continued after: ridiculously exaggerated but sweetly sentimental nonstop farmboy-turned-trucker pure wit.

Consider that Convoy got made into a feature film starring Kris Kristofferson and Ali McGraw. Then consider C.W. McCall's (with Mannheim Steamroller backing before they, too, hit it big with Christmas music) arguably offensive stereotyping sequel to Convoy: Around The World With The Rubber Duck, which ends delightfully with "10-10 and do it to it like Pruitt used to do it. To it."

Then, go down the ultimate C.W. McCall rabbit hole with Nishnabota:

I love that song!

I love CW McCall unfortunately he died last year, it's a true regret that I never met him because if there's one thing that C.W. McCall could do was capture the flavor of an item or a moment in time, which is what music is all about. My biggest regret in life was getting sick and not being able to make it to Silverton Colorado, it truly breaks my heart that I had to leave the mountains, but thanks to CW I can at least feel a little bit of that area (with out the gasping for air)

Another piece of Colorado Narrow Gauge railroading is the Galloping Goose, which I did get to ride at the museum, maybe I can mash some video into Bill Fries (CW's real name) song, but he captured the goose in this song.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Dead Skunk was trashy and silly, and it was meant to be silly, just like "Uneasy Rider" by Charlie Daniels. I have a certain amount of respect for humorous songs that were meant to be humorous. My hero is Weird Al Yankovich who took those silly 80's songs and made them hilarious. I LOVE the movie Weird on Roku, it's a parody of parody songs.

A detour; Yankovich could get the look as well as the sound of material from the music video age. I believe the guy here with the mop was the same actor as in the Nirvana original.

 

[Djmac1031]

This song alone proves beyond a doubt that Paul really did die

Which brings us around to another on my Hit List: Wonderful Christmastime.

One day, a former Beatle woke up, checked his calender, saw "record Christmas song" on his To Do List, and realized he never wrote it.

So, he rolled out of bed, smoked a joint, pulled out his grandkids cheap Casio and recorded a demo in about ten minutes.

He rolled up into the studio, presented it to the band and producer, and no one had the balls to tell the Living Legend his song sucked.

Pressed for time, they smoked some more joints, added some cheesy Christmas bells, a few random background singers, and cut the record in one take.

Merry Christmas.

 

[alohadave]

A detour, by Yankovich could get the look as well as the sound of material from the music video age. I believe the guy here with the mop was the same actor as in the Nirvana original.

When Weird Al asked to cover the song, Kurt's first question was, "will it be about food?"

 

[gunhilltrain]

When Weird Al asked to cover the song, Kurt's first question was, "will it be about food?"

In "Eat It," he perfectly recreates the look of the bar/diner, the gangland warehouse (I love it when those guys can't get the sliding door all the way up), and even the clothes everybody was wearing.

Click the YouTube link for viewing.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Walk Like an Egytian is like nails on a blackboard. When it comes on the radio at the office, I find somewhere else to be.

I actually kinda like Eternal Flame. Does that make me a bad person?

Em

 

[Djmac1031]

I actually kinda like Eternal Flame. Does that make me a bad person?

Em

Susanna Hoffs has a beautiful voice.

It's a typical sappy 80s love ballad, but she manages to elevate it beyond that.

Doesn't hurt that she's gorgeous, either.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Susanna Hoffs has a beautiful voice.

It's a typical sappy 80s love ballad, but she manages to elevate it beyond that.

Doesn't hurt that she's gorgeous, either.

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/8b/46/ea/8b46eaf4b571a3528847c25e06531818.jpg

Am I letting down my gender if I say total MILF?

Em

 

[Rustyoznail]

I've re-written some songs for a friend over in Perth, WA. I did one based on "Knock Knock, Who's there?" sung by Mary Hopkin at the 1970 Eurovision song contest. Mary hated the song.

I sent my version over, but my friend, who's from the US, didn't know the original. I swear I could hear her howls from here as her ears started to bleed when she listened to it.

For the record, this is my version

Tears of pain run down his manly frame
He’s on his knees again, good evening butt hole
I laugh he groans because his arse I hone
And as I hit his thighs, he gets the strangest feelings

Knock, knock, who's there?
Could this be Squeeze for pegging?
His hole is really getting wide
Knock, knock, who's there?
Now, as the night is falling
Take off your clothes and come inside

He climbs the stair, I’m in my underwear
He is the one who shares my sex addiction
But instead as I lay down in bed
I have to leave his arse to my imagination

Knock, knock, who's there?
Could this be Squeeze that's calling?
My holes to him are open wide
Knock, knock, who's there?
Now, as the night is falling
Take off your clothes and come inside

Oo, la-la, come on and touch me there
Oh there’s no holes bar(red), my lovely squeeze toy
Kiss my mound and then let’s go to town
And we’ll write it down for the Lit erot site

I squirm and dream and then I slowly cream
And as I close my eyes I get the greatest feeling
Knock, knock, who's there?
Could this be Squeeze that's calling?
My holes to him are open wide
Knock, knock, who's there?
Now, as the night is falling
Take off your clothes and come inside
Oh, ah, ah!
Take off your clothes and come inside!

 

[EmilyMiller]

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/8b/46/ea/8b46eaf4b571a3528847c25e06531818.jpg

Am I letting down my gender if I say total MILF?

Em

I seem to recall going on a rant about the term MIlF.

It’s you guys that are meant to be consistent, not me, OK?

Em

 

[Djmac1031]

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/8b/46/ea/8b46eaf4b571a3528847c25e06531818.jpg

Am I letting down my gender if I say total MILF?

Em

Definitely makes me Walk With An Erection.

 

[SimonDoom]

Susanna Hoffs has a beautiful voice.

It's a typical sappy 80s love ballad, but she manages to elevate it beyond that.

Doesn't hurt that she's gorgeous, either.

I think her voice is good rather than great, but I liked their songs and hell yes she was gorgeous. She's in her 60s now and she's still gorgeous. She was probably my number 1 80s-era pop music crush. That side-eye thing she did in all those Bangles videos was such a cliche but it worked on me.

 

[SimonDoom]

I love CW McCall unfortunately he died last year, it's a true regret that I never met him because if there's one thing that C.W. McCall could do was capture the flavor of an item or a moment in time, which is what music is all about. My biggest regret in life was getting sick and not being able to make it to Silverton Colorado, it truly breaks my heart that I had to leave the mountains, but thanks to CW I can at least feel a little bit of that area (with out the gasping for air)

Another piece of Colorado Narrow Gauge railroading is the Galloping Goose, which I did get to ride at the museum, maybe I can mash some video into Bill Fries (CW's real name) song, but he captured the goose in this song.

I've ridden the Durango & Silverton narrow gauge railroad. The scenery between those two towns is truly amazing.

 

[Djmac1031]

That side-eye thing she did in all those Bangles videos was such a cliche but it worked on me.

You're not the only one.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I think her voice is good rather than great, but I liked their songs and hell yes she was gorgeous. She's in her 60s now and she's still gorgeous. She was probably my number 1 80s-era pop music crush. That side-eye thing she did in all those Bangles videos was such a cliche but it worked on me.

I quite like both versions of Our Lips Are Sealed, but Belinda Carlisle circa 1981 .

I’d play in a fountain with her.

Em

 

[SimonDoom]

I quite like both versions of Our Lips Are Sealed, but Belinda Carlisle circa 1981 .

I’d play in a fountain with her.

Em

Yeah, I saw them in concert in 1982. That video is so primitive; MTV was still new then. I'm impressed that your musical awareness stretches back that far. It would be like me crushing on Patti Page.

 

[Djmac1031]

I quite like both versions of Our Lips Are Sealed, but Belinda Carlisle circa 1981 .

I’d play in a fountain with her.

Em

"There's a weapon that we must use
In our defense,
Silence."

It's actually a quite clever lyric, IMO.

I need to practice this one on the drums.

Fun, catchy, simple. Shouldn't take me long to figure out.